heartmachine (heartmachine) wrote in superbabies, @ 2012-11-12 23:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | billy sinclair, luka romanov |
WHO: Luka Romanov and Billy Sinclair
WHAT: Friday, November 9th. Part 2 of 2. Later that night, Luka meets Billy out in the woods (not scary at all) so they can talk in private. They find out that they actually have very similar religious views and Billy learns some things about Luka's heart plans that he doesn't like.
Despite the cold, Luka bundled up and met Billy out in the woods. It wasn’t even that cold, really, but Luka had bad circulation these days and it was an extra excuse to wear comfy winter clothes. And a hat. And … gloves. But really, really soft gloves.
They were irresponsible first, plopping down into the grass and kissing until their lips were numb. The jacket didn’t even end up unbuttoned; everything was haphazard but over-the-clothes. There was no pressure to perform, no worrying about Billy touching him and not liking what he found (wherever it was). When they finally stopped, Luka tucked himself under Billy’s arm while they leaned up against the tree, looking over the lake. The moon was bright in the sky, reflecting off the water.
“So … tell me something I don’t know about you.”
Billy held Luka against him to keep him warm. Luka was cold, and Billy’s temperature was actually considerably warmer than a normal human’s. He wasn’t a furnace, necessarily, but the cold didn’t bother him much, and if he wrapped his arms around Luka it was easy to keep him comfortable.
“Mm?” Billy’s ears perked. “I don’t know,” he said. “I... what don’t you know about me?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking. I don’t know anything about...” Hn. Luka scrunched his nose. “All right, what about religion? We never talk about that.” And if it was going to be uncomfortable, they could get it out of the way now.
Billy raised his eyebrows. “Wow, okay, let’s jump right in, why don’t we.” He sighed, picking his words carefully. “I’m Catholic,” he said. “I was raised in the Church. My mom’s … very Catholic, everyone knows that. And up until recently I’ve felt the same way. But since being here I’ve been exposed to some other ways of thinking and I can’t really say with certainty that I’m Catholic anymore. My mom thinks gay people go to Hell. She can love her friends, look them in the eye, and tell them they’re going to Hell. It’s out of concern, it’s not out of hate. She loves them. She wants the best for them, and hates that she can’t help them. But I just... I don’t know how I feel about that.”
He hadn’t expected to ramble, but it was a touchy subject he didn’t talk about much. He talked religion with Mark, but Mark was pushy and impatient and usually just commented with “God’s not real.”
“I’m afraid to tell her. I don’t want her to be upset. And there’s still a part of me that really fears going to Hell over this.”
Luka smoothed down Billy’s pantleg while he spoke, idly picking at a stray thread. Unlike Mark, he was quiet, listening and digesting before he responded. “I understand that. It’s not really the same, I know; my parents weren’t really … into the issue of religion. Or no religion. They’re both atheists so it’s not like it was part of anything. I don’t know what I think.”
“Mark’s telling me that God’s not real,” said Billy. “And … I get it. God doesn’t make logical sense to me. I can’t wrap my head around it, and there are too many holes for it all to work for me. But----that doesn’t shake the feeling.”
Luka nodded. “Is it weird to say that I feel the same?”
Billy smiled. “Weird? I wouldn’t say it was weird.” He kissed Luka’s hair, nuzzling him and pulling him in closer to help keep him warm.
“I feel like logically I should know that God doesn’t exist. I don’t know if I want to believe in it because I have a gut feeling or if I just … really want to believe.” Luka nuzzled Billy’s arm and kissed.
“There’s no harm in----” Billy stopped himself. “I was going to say there’s no harm in believing, but that’s not really true. I honestly don’t know what I believe. I don’t think I believe in God, but I’m afraid not to.”
“Sounds about right. Then again, if he is real, who’s to say I’d end up in the right place, anyway?”
Billy smirked, nudging Luka with his nose. “Oh. Luka. We’re definitely going to Hell for what we’re doing.”
Luka chuckled, leaning up for another kiss. “I don’t think that’s fair. The rule is not to lie with each other, right? We’re just kissing.”
“Mm. Fair enough,” Billy murmured. “Are you cold...?” He touched Luka’s cheek, concerned. “I shouldn’t have brought you out here, you’re freezing.”
“Oh, hush. I’m fine. I’m always cold now.” Luka cradled Billy’s cheek in his gloved hand and kissed his nose.
“So----tell me something I don’t know about you. It’s only fair.” Billy held Luka’s hand against his face.
“Like what?”
Billy shrugged. “I... I don’t know,” he said. “I mean, I know you’re a genius. I know you’re good at chess but I’m better at Risk. I know you hate teaching and you’re just doing it while you work on your new heart, and that people are telling you just to wait for a transplant but you can’t.”
“I don’t know, I’m not that interesting.” Luka kissed his cheek again (eventually he’d be able to stop doing that every five seconds) before pulling back just a little, dropping his hand into his lap.
“That’s not true,” said Billy. “If you weren’t interesting, I wouldn’t be here.”
“I’m not,” Luka insisted. “I’m just smart. Smart and interesting aren’t that closely related.”
Billy shrugged. “Sure, there’s smart and boring, but you were building robots when you were three and you were out of college by the time you were my age,” he said. “That’s pretty interesting.”
“That’s just smarts. I didn’t put effort into any of that, not really. I have a hard time being proud of it.”
“Well, to be honest, it’s hard to be proud of things because your brain downplays all of your positive achievements, it’s scientific fact,” said Billy primly. A moment later, he looked embarrassed. “Sorry.”
Luka chuckled. “That too. But it really doesn’t matter as much to me. Science is something I do, not something I am.”
“So what are you, Luka? Tell me what you are.”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m still figuring that part out.”
“Fair enough.” Billy slumped back against the tree and gazed out at the lake. “I don’t know what I am, either. I’m still working on it. Still... forming.”
“It turns out when you’re defined by something, everything else is harder to come by. You know I don’t even like biology that much? I never wanted to go into medical science. Then again, I don’t know if I belong in Stark Industries, either. I worked on my dad’s projects---energy efficiency, that kind of thing. I never nailed down what I actually wanted to do.” Luka looked down at his shoes and chewed on the inside of his cheek.
Billy glanced at him. “Do you even want to do science for a living?”
After a few long moments, Luka answered, “Yes. I just don’t know what. I think I just want to feel like it’s my choice.”
Billy fell quiet. This was a bad idea, talking about Luka’s future. He might not have one. He gently stroked Luka’s hair and cradled him close. “It will be,” he said softly.
“If I can save myself, it’ll define me. I’m doing it without help. No one from Stark Industries is involved, my dad doesn’t weigh it. It’s just me. I’ll be making life without leaning on anyone else, and I’ll be playing God without using other people.”
“What?” Billy stopped. He pulled back to look down at him. “Luka. What? What do you mean, no one’s helping you? I thought you were working with a team of Stark Industries people to save your life. You----what?”
Luka shook his head, drawing up his knees so he could rest his arms on them. “That’s why I left. I needed privacy. It’s my project. My dad remade the arc reactor in a cave while he was running on a car battery. I can do it on my own.”
“Luka!” Billy shoved his shoulder, a little harder than he meant to. “Are you insane? This isn’t a game! This is your life you’re talking about! It isn’t some pet project that you can use to show up your father. This is your life!”
“Hey, ow---” Unfortunately, Luka was delicate. That would bruise. He pulled back so he could pick himself up, brushing grass off of his pants. “It is my life, and I don’t want to owe it to anyone else. I don’t want to be part of someone else’s legacy or have someone else’s heart in my chest. If I can’t save myself, then I don’t deserve it.”
Billy bolted to his feet, far faster than Luka was able. “That’s honorable. But it won’t mean anything if you’re dead because you’re too stubborn to ask for anyone’s help. How arrogant are you? Are you telling me that if I got sick, and if I needed a new heart, I wouldn’t deserve it unless I built it myself?”
“No. You’re not like me, Billy. I’m capable of this, and this is my family legacy. I’m not taking a handout from my father and becoming some less-than-human computer person because I wasn’t smart enough to save myself like he did!”
For a moment, Billy just stared at him. “Are you telling me that he gave you the option to beat this and you turned him down...?”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew what Extremis does to you.” Luka pushed his hands through his hair and groaned. “It---changes everything. I want to be human. I want my senses to work the right way. I want to get older. My dad hasn’t aged since before I was born. I don’t want to be connected to everything the way he is. I can barely handle my own head. I want to stay me.”
“But he gave you the option to live. He offered you a miracle cure.”
“Miracles have their price, and I don’t want to pay this one. I’d rather die as myself than be that.”
Billy fell quiet again, watching Luka carefully. Sometimes in moments of tension it was difficult to tell if Billy was going to fight to dominate the argument or bow his head and admit defeat. This time, he closed the gap between them and kissed him softly on the mouth. “I can respect that,” he said.
Luka sighed, relieved. “Thank you. Nobody else seems to. It’s why I don’t talk about it.”
“No, I can respect that,” Billy said, kissing him again. “You shouldn’t have to live in a way you don’t think is right. If you want to do this, then... God, I hope you do it. But have someone check things for you, have someone else look at your research. So you don’t want a miracle cure, but don’t think you can do this all by yourself.”
“I’m capable of this,” Luka repeated gently. “I’m going to be fine. And if I’m not, I went down fighting. I want to live, but I want to be able to live with myself, too.”
Billy cradled Luka’s face in his warm, ungloved hands. “Are you sure you’re capable of this?”
“I’m positive. Please trust me. I’m a Stark. Tech is kind of my thing.”
Billy’s mouth twitched into a little smile. “Let someone check your arrogance every once in a while.”
Luka grinned. “I think you can handle that part, don’t you?”
“I just did, didn’t I?” Billy tipped his chin defiantly.
Luka leaned up to nip at Billy’s throat. “I think you bruised my shoulder.”
Billy pulled back to look at him, pawing at Luka’s clothes to examine his shoulder. “Oh, God----I’m sorry. I’m stronger than I look.”
Luka brushed his hand away. He really didn’t want to take off his jacket right now, anyway. “It’s okay. I’m really delicate right now.”
“As long as you’re fine. I don’t want to baby you, but we should really get inside.” Billy paused. “You should get inside. I’m going to stay out here for another half hour or so, keep it from looking suspicious.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m wearing gloves. Don’t worry about me. It’s not even that cold.” Luka was delicate, though, and his circulation was bad. He was flushed, and not in a good way.
“Then----go,” Billy insisted. “Go back inside, have some chicken soup. Warm up. We need to keep this quiet, whether or not clothes are coming off. I’ll be back inside soon, but... if anyone asks you were out for a walk.”
“Come here---” Luka tugged him in, kissing Billy hard. His lips were cold.
“Mm---” Billy kissed him desperately, pulling at Luka’s clothes. He kissed and nipped at Luka’s mouth until he’d warmed his lips, until he was panting for breath and wanting nothing more than to just collapse onto the grass and tear Luka’s clothes off. “Go. Go, get outta here.”