WHO: Steven Barnes & Luka Romanov WHAT: Christmas Day, late evening. Steven admits to Luka that he and Sam are getting a divorce.
Steven had gone a little quiet over the course of the day. He could probably pass it off as the eggnog getting to his head, but Luka knew better. He was distant (in a bad way), bothered, kind of off in small ways that only someone like his brother would really notice. Their parents had left the day before, called out on a last second mission, but Steven was used to not having them around on Christmas.
After Steven left the little get together, Luka wandered over to his room to knock on the door. “Hey. You mind if I crash in your room for a bit? My head is killing me and I don’t want to be alone.”
The door wasn’t completely closed; Steven wasn’t known for leaving it ajar. He was sitting on the bed, slumped forward with his head in his hands. For a moment, it was like he didn’t even notice Luka. For someone who was usually so on point and alert, it was … wrong.
He just barely lifted his head. “I do,” he said wearily, his voice thick. “So please, just go.”
Luka couldn’t leave well enough alone on a good day. He definitely wouldn’t do it now. Slipping into the room, Luka closed the door behind him with a click. “Hey. Heeey, what’s wrong?”
Steven looked up. His eyes were red and he looked nothing short of terrible. He’d been putting on an act all day, open and warm and inviting----and he’d figured not even Pella had noticed. He was a master at this, after all. Slipping in, being unnoticed, blending into his environment. No one did it better than he did.
“I told Sam I wanted a divorce,” he said hollowly, like he was confused.
“You---Steven. I’m so sorry.” Luka went to sit next to him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, come here. Look at me.”
“She’s leaving. She’s just----leaving.” Steven wiped at his face and couldn’t look at Luka. Not right now. He never pretended he was made of stone, but that didn’t mean he wanted to break down in front of his baby brother. Not again. “It all happened so fast, we had another argument, I said I wanted a divorce, and----it’s over. Like that. She’s leaving the school.”
It freaked Luka out when Steven cried. He couldn’t help it; Luka had always been sick, Steven had always held him up and taken care of him. Steven was a rock. He wasn’t supposed to cry, but Luka was really trying this time around. “I’m really proud of you,” he said gently.
Steven paused, glancing up. “You... what?”
“What you did wasn’t easy, but I know you weren’t happy. I’m proud that you’re taking care of yourself.” Luka kept eye contact for a second before lowering his head and closing his eyes, resting his forehead on Steven’s shoulder.
“I’m an asshole, Luka,” said Steven quietly. “Look at what I just did. Look at how I’m leaving her. She has her face damaged, it destroys her career, she’s going through hell and what do I do. I just----I snapped. We argued, I snapped, it was one time too many and I finally said it.”
“Wouldn’t staying make you a bigger asshole? At least now she feels free to go home and let her parents support her, or her friends in the city.” He wanted to look at Steven, but his headaches were getting worse and it was too difficult to focus.
“We’ve been damaged for a long time, and I kept trying to salvage it because I made a promise and I didn’t want to fail,” said Steven quietly. “But it wasn’t about not wanting to fail her. It was about just not wanting to fail.”
“Then you did the right thing.” It hurt to see Steven so upset, especially when Luka didn’t know what to do. He knew how to comfort Billy, or his friends, but Steven was his big brother. It didn’t usually go this way.
“No, I didn’t. It’s Christmas. She’s in a bad place, it’s still wrong.” Steven buried his face in his hands again. “I can’t believe I did this.” He wasn’t doing anything to stop it, though.
“Stevie. I’m going to be on your side no matter what, okay? If you set a puppy on fire, I’d still find a reason that puppy deserved it.” So no, sorry, Luka wasn’t going to indulge too much of Steven’s self pity.
Steven smiled faintly. “That’s sick, Luka, but thank you.”
“Eh.” Luka shrugged. “I’m a horrible person who fucks students, remember? I’m already sick. The least I can do is fuck up a cute baby animal for you.”
Steven put his arms around Luka and hugged him hard. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “For being here for me. I don’t know how many other people will. Pella, maybe. James. But this isn’t----none of this is good.” And yet, now that his head was a little clearer, he was starting to feel relieved. No more bickering, no more arguing, no bitching about whose job was more important. No having to choose.
“Pella, maybe? That’s one hell of a vote of confidence. You’ll get a lot more than just James, though. I bet there’ll be a lot of men who will jump right to your side.” You know, because patriarchy.
“Why? Because my beautiful wife isn’t hot anymore so I’d better ditch her?” Steven groaned. “Because that’s what it looks like. That’s exactly what it fucking looks like.”
“No, because men usually assume that women are catty and obnoxious and will eventually drive even the most patient person up a wall,” Luka corrected.
Steven snorted and looked away. “I don’t really need that, either,” he said. “I wish I could just deal with this in peace. But knowing Sam? It’s going to be all over the news. I’m just waiting for the backlash.”
“I can make sure your information stays on lockdown. Can’t change anything she does or says, but I can make sure no one in here leaks anything.” Luka went quiet for a moment, considered adding something, and decided against it.
Steven shrugged. “I could just leave for Bangladesh for a while and then come back.”
“Yeah, but...”
“But?”
“But. Emma offered me a job and I don’t want you to leave.”
Steven leaned back, raising his eyebrows and carefully looking Luka over. “You... really. It’s not a teaching position, is it?”
“God no. She wouldn’t dare. Weirdly enough, I’m not sure how much she cares about Billy. I tried to talk to her about it and she brushed me off.” Luka fidgeted. Something was wrong about that, but he was afraid to push at it. “No, she wants me doing security and taking over programming and maintenance for the Danger Room. I’d be making sure there are no more information leaks or spies using our system against us, that kind of thing. Honestly, I wouldn’t have taken it if Billy wasn’t still in school.”
Steven nodded. He was interested, but his heart wasn’t in it right now. He just looked exhausted. “That’s great, Luka. Really.” Sure.
“It’s not and we both know it, but if it keeps Emma or Josh from trying to fuck with me, then I’ll take it. But I don’t want to be here alone, is what I’m saying.”
“You want me to stay here to protect you?”
“No, I want you to stay here because I actually like having you around. I don’t need you to protect me, I just don’t have a lot of people I’m close to right now.” Which really meant that he wasn’t close to Bethany anymore and wanted his brother.
“All right. Okay.” Steven squeezed Luka’s shoulder and then pulled away again. “I’ll stick around for your sake if that’s what you need, bratishka.”
“I should feel a lot worse. I’d have more friends right now if it wasn’t for Billy, but I can’t even care. But it does mean that I’m a little lonely.” Luka nudged him fondly. “And then I can be here for you through this.”
Steven felt sick to his stomach, honestly. “Looks like we’ll need each other,” he said, but his tone was flat. He was too distracted and shellshocked from what happened to really focus. He wasn’t feeling chatty and he’d already cried long enough for the day. On the other hand, he’d already faked being personable for too long. Drinking himself stupid wasn’t his style. So:
“I need to go out and shoot something,” he muttered, tugging himself up off the bed. It was late, and dark, but that just made it a challenge.
Luka almost let him go. Almost. This was a stupid question and Luka knew it, but maybe he was looking for a little strength here, that little bit of proof that Steven was still smarter (or at least better and more controlled) than most people. “Can I ask you something?”
Steven blinked, glancing back at him. “Yeah, sure.”
“Pella didn’t have anything to do with this, right?”
Steven frowned, folding his arms across his chest. “Do you really want to go there right now?” he demanded. Because Sam had gone there, and he didn’t feel like doing it again.
Luka held up his hands. “I promise to believe whatever you tell me.” He had a feeling he was hoping for exactly the opposite of what Sam had been digging for.
“No,” he snapped. “It has nothing to do with fucking Pella. It has to do with the fact that Sam and I just didn’t get along. That she resented my career and I resented hers, and when I was trying to support her in this, she blew me off and made it about how I hate her job. And you know what? I do. And we can’t work together, not with our careers, and at the end of the day, sometimes I feel like she doesn’t know me at all. That we’re strangers, with how much time we spend apart. She doesn’t understand my world, I don’t understand hers, and I’ve been pretending for too long. That’s just how it is.”
“Okay,” Luka said quietly. “All right. That’s what I thought.”
“Pella is my friend. She’s my ex, too. I’m allowed to speak with her and spend time with her.”
“I didn’t say you weren’t.”
Steven sighed. “I know. I know. It just... it came up. I’m tired of defending my friendship with her, too.”
“She scares the shit out of me,” Luka admitted. “I don’t go near her if I can help it. I don’t get how you two happened in the first place, but hey, if it worked it worked.”
Steven just looked away. He wasn’t going to do this right now. “Luka. I’m going outside to shoot some things. I need you to stop talking. About Sam, about Pella, about everything. I’m glad that you’re here, but … please. I’m not defending Pella again.”
“I’m not---” Luka sighed, frustrated. “I’m not digging for anything. Sometimes I need a reminder that you really are as good as I think you are, because if it was me, and my marriage was in the shit, and I had a best friend that I had good memories of sleeping with? I can promise that best friend would be part of the reason I finally left, because I’m not... great. You are, I wasn’t trying to needle you. And just because I don’t get Pella doesn’t mean you don’t. I’m not asking for an explanation.”
Steven was quiet for a moment, digesting this information like he was deciding what to do with it. “All right,” he said. “Thank you.”
“Shit, I’m happy and I still think about fucking other people. No idea how you do it.” Luka pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut for a second.
“It’s not that I don’t think about it,” said Steven. “It just isn’t on the forefront of my mind all the time. Pella and I aren’t involved, it isn’t like that, and I’m not interested. My marriage has been falling apart on me for years and now it’s finally destroyed itself----that doesn’t really make me want to be close to other people.”
“How? Whenever I’m upset, the only thing I want to do is be close to other people. If I broke up with Billy tonight, I’d be in bed with someone by tomorrow, and I wouldn’t be picky about it.”
Steven shook his head. “Not how I work,” he muttered. “I don’t do casual sex. I don’t fuck because it feels good. I fuck because it’s with someone I care about, someone I let into my life. And I don’t feel like doing that.”
Luka was trying to understand. It wasn’t working well, but he was trying. “I care. I wouldn’t fuck someone if I didn’t care in some way. Maybe if I had your views I wouldn’t have ended up involved with someone like... ---Anyway. Doesn’t matter.”
“No. It doesn’t. Do you have any other questions?”
“No. And you’re biting at the bit to get away from me, so shoo.”
“Thank you.” Steven turned and left the room, heading for the basement where he kept his guns. A few hours of nighttime target practice would make things a little bit easier.