Log: Daredevil & Silent Knight WHO: Karen & Jack Murdock WHAT: Jack moves back into the Xavier's dorms and Karen's there to help him out, but Jack's newfound sense of independence (thanks to a summer of ninja training and vigilantism) and distrust of Kelly Walker rubs Karen the wrong way.
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Jack didn’t have a roommate this year. She wouldn’t say as much, but Karen thought it was for the best. Sharing with Mark clearly hadn’t gone well, and without Sean it might be easier for Jack to have his space. Karen had moved out of their apartment a couple weeks ago, and even before that she and Jack had barely seen each other once Jack had started in with his ninja training.
It felt like they were both too old for Karen to be helping Jack move in. The summer had changed them both, and Jack didn’t feel so much younger the way he had before. Now he was actually her big brother, self sufficient and assured, and Karen felt kind of overbearing, like she was just bothering him by helping out.
Still, she tucked in the edges of his sheets until they were stretched tight over the bed, stubbornly clinging to precedent and tradition. “Did you want to get lunch after this? We can hit Ruthy’s after the lunch rush.”
Jack didn’t want to be back at school.
It was safe to say that this summer had changed his life, given him a new sense of focus and purpose. He’d been training vigorously with Stick like it was a full-time job, and then at night he put that training into practice as Silent Knight. His body ached on a regular basis, but for the first time in ages he slept well. It was probably because he exhausted himself beyond belief, so that he had no other choice but to crash, but the sleep he got (in regular four-hour stints in early evening and early morning) was actually peaceful.
His body felt renewed. He still struggled with his tic, and none of his issues went away, but he felt a new sense of focus and a new appreciation for what he could do.
For the first time in his life, he didn’t feel less than.
And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to study. He still had plans for the future, still had plans to become a special education teacher. He wasn’t about to throw all that out the window, not when his father had impressed upon him the importance of education no matter the challenges. Being a vigilante wasn’t enough, using violence wasn’t enough. His father had made a difference by wielding the law like both a weapon and a shield, and Jack was confident he could do the same as an educator for people that were often overlooked and dismissed.
Being at school was a stepping stone to all that, but that didn’t mean he had to like the shift in routine. At least he had his room to himself.
He was setting things up how he liked it. His bookshelves arranged by book size, his clothes arranged by type and then by color, his expensive sheets freshly washed and tucked in with hospital corners (thanks, Karen). The empty bed on the other side of the room belonged to Lizzie now, apparently, and she took up most of it at the moment. He was rolling out a mat in the middle of the room, giving himself a space for meditation and yoga.
“Do you want to go to Ruthy’s after…?” Jack echoed without looking up. He was bent over in downward dog now, holding the mat down and keeping it from curling back up. “Yes, okay.”
“You can bring Mark, if you want to.” Karen had been making an effort lately to make nice with Mark. Not that Mark was making it easy; he was around all the time, but something was off about him lately. She never saw him drunk or high, but he looked ragged when she did see him. Then again, she’d moved back to Xavier’s a couple weeks ago and only ever saw him for short periods of time. Maybe she just kept catching him at the wrong time.
“Mm.” Jack was noncommittal about it. It wasn’t that he wasn’t listening, but inviting Mark meant inviting Kelly, and Jack didn’t feel like making that concession. Karen was making an effort to be nice to Mark, but Jack was making zero effort to be nice to Kelly.
Karen waited a couple seconds before accepting that Jack wasn’t going to give her an answer. “Or it could be just us. Whatever.”
“Okay.” Jack stretched a little more so his hands and feet each held down a corner of the mat. “Thanks. For helping, with all this, I appreciate it. I like the space to myself.” He wondered how he was going to get anywhere on time, but that’s what the alarms on his phone were for. “Why did you leave so early?”
“I wanted privacy,” Karen said. She shook out one of Jack’s sheets and let it float down onto the bed. “And you were starting to complain about the bathroom smelling. So.”
“Privacy.” It was a little bit mocking, but it wasn’t mean-spirited. “You wanted space to have sex.”
Karen frowned, and was pretty content to straighten out the sheet instead of looking right at Jack. “I didn’t like that you could hear us, and you’re an ass to him whenever he’s around. It made me uncomfortable, so I left.”
Jack shifted his weight onto his forearms. He gently kicked up his feet and brought himself to a headstand. “I don’t like him,” he said by way of explanation. He curled his toes.
“I don’t really care what you like,” Karen snapped. When she caught herself, she took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. When she spoke again, she was a bit calmer. “I don’t like Mark, either, but I’ve been trying to be nice to him.”
Jack sighed heavily. As zen and focused as he was, he really wasn’t good at hiding his feelings about things. If he was unhappy about something, he was blunt about it, his reactions bordering on exaggerated. “Mark doesn’t beat the shit out of people for a living.”
“No, Mark just beats the shit out of himself. And Kelly’s going to school in a week, he’s not doing that anymore. He doesn’t have to. At least for Kelly, it’s a job. Mark’s just fucked.” She almost felt petty for saying it, but it wasn’t untrue.
“Mark is an addict,” Jack responded. He flexed his feet and rolled his ankles.
“It’s not like he was born an addict. Kelly took a job to support his mother. It’s not his fault he’s tangled with Fisk. If Mark doesn’t want to shove drugs up his nose, he has the option not to. That’s his fault.”
Jack scoffed. Spreading his legs apart, he swung down into a straddle and sat up. “No, I know, but…” He tapped his head. Mark’s brain was troubled. Jack’s brain worked differently; he could sympathize.
He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face. Okay, okay, okay. “We can’t change the past. We are just our choices from here out. Improvement is a journey.”
Karen just rolled her eyes and shook her head. “I love that you get all zen about your druggie boyfriend, but you hate Kelly. You know, if Dad was still around, he’d give him a chance. Kelly’s exactly the kind of guy he’d sympathize with.”
Jack finally lifted his head to look at her. He squinted. “Not okay.”
“It’s true. He would. He’d want to help Mark, too. You’re being a hypocrite by not even making an effort.”
“I don’t like him,” Jack repeated flatly.
“You’re not even trying,” Karen reiterated. “You can pull this bullshit with everyone else, Jackie, but not with me. Being blunt and autistic about it doesn’t mean you’re not being a dick.”
Jack tossed up his hands. “I don’t like him!”
“You haven’t even made an effort! I had to get to know him. Mark even likes him. He can be kind of a jackass, but it’s for the exact same fucking reasons that Mark is.” Ugh. Karen plopped the pillows onto the bed without putting the comforter on. Whatever. Fine. Jack could do it himself.
Jack shrugged his shoulders and shoved his hands back through his hair. Communication was breaking down. “I don’t like him.”
“Why?!”
“I don’t----like----I don’t like the----” God damn it. And he’d been doing so well, too. Jack grasped at the air in frustration. “His hands.”
Karen sighed and dropped her face into her hand. “What about them?”
“I don’t like them.”
“You need to give me something specific.”
“I don’t like them.” Ugh. Jack wanted to tear his own hair out. He shoved at his temples. Once he got stopped up, he was usually his own worst enemy. Frustration just made it harder. Finally, he blurted out the rest. “On you.”
“Is that seriously why you don’t like him?” Ugh. Of course. Of course Jack would pick now to go all protective older brother. “You have gross junkie sex with Mark all the time and I try not to bitch about it.”
Jack folded his arms across his chest, making a face. Deal with it.
“Oh, grow up.” Karen shook her head. “It’s not cute, Jack.”
Jack raised an eyebrow at “cute”, his lip curling in disgust. Cute. “Too old,” he said with a shrug.
“He’s younger than Luka.”
“Billy’s… not my sister?” That wasn’t the least bit relevant. People didn’t need to be pointing at Billy and Luka as an example of anything, and all Jack had to do was say Billy’s name to make it clear how he felt about him. If anything, it had gotten worse. Jack hated Billy.
“Jack, you know what? Whatever.” Karen just shook her head. She didn’t want to get into a fight right now---or she did, but she knew better. “I’m just going, this is stupid.”
Jack frowned. He shifted so he could crawl over to Karen and take her hand. “Hey. No. Hey.” It was unusual for him, his attitude a little more perceptive to the fact that she was more bothered than just angry. “I’m just…” He rubbed his thumbs over her knuckles, working his tic out over her hand. “You’re my little sister. And.”
“And.” Karen paused for a second before pulling her hand away. “I’ve been acting like your older sister for how long? I don’t care what you think about who I date. I’m trying to be nice to Mark because I know you won’t come to me when you have problems if I act like I hate him. You’re not being a good brother, Jack, you’re just pushing me away.”
“I’m not----I’m…” Jack leaned back a little, genuinely hurt. He sniffed once, mouth twitching, and he ducked his head away. “Mm.” He crawled over to a box instead and opened it up.
“What? Come on, if you have something to say, just say it.” Karen planted her hands on her hips and waited.
Jack ignored her. He pulled a stack of books out of the box and dropped it onto the floor.
Karen waited for a few more seconds before giving up. “Fine. I’ll see you later, Jack.”
He almost let her leave, but when she was at the doorway he spoke up. “I’m not trying to push. I just. He’s older. And he’s… he just comes in here and comes in our space and we don’t know… he’s… his mom? Tried to kill Dad how many times? He just comes in here and now he’s. He’s putting his hands on you and…” He rolled his shoulders, twitching like he wanted to shake off the bad feelings.
“Stop talking about it like I don’t have a choice. He’s not beating me up---” Anymore. “---we’re having sex, I’m… part of it.” Talking about it made Karen uncomfortable. Not because of the actual subject; she was still embarrassed at how fucking horrible she’d been to other people when it came to sex and felt guilty ragging on them and then enjoying it herself. “And he’s not his mom. You can’t blame him for what she did.”
“No, but I can be bothered. I don’t trust him.” Jack looked down at his books and started stacking them by size.
“I’m done with this conversation, Jack. You’re not listening to me.”
“So? Tell me. Tell me why you trust him.” Jack scooted around to face her, sitting cross-legged. “Listening.”
Karen’s jaw tightened and she fidgeted, uncomfortable. “No. I don’t owe you an explanation. I’m not even asking you to do anything but make an effort to be civil, Jack.”
Jack was quiet for a while, looking up at her and then checking out to look at the wall. “Okay,” he said, giving in. “I’ll try.” He tipped his head and let his eyes close. He couldn’t read facial expressions, but Stick was teaching him how to read people in other ways.
“Okay.” Karen folded her arms, seeming like she did it for safety. “You can’t decide to act like my big brother all of a sudden because you had a couple of months freerunning and meditating, okay? That’s not how it works, and you can’t pull this protective older sibling bullshit on me because you finally feel like it. It’s not part of our relationship, and infantilizing me to… to, I don’t know, make yourself feel more mature is crap. I let stuff go down with Mark, and I don’t ask you for an explanation anymore, so don’t get on my ass about Kelly. I don’t owe you shit, Jack. You growing up doesn’t change that.”
To his credit, Jack listened to all of this without protesting or saying a word. He’d been taught in special communications classes as a child, how to behave in a conversation, and listening was one of those steps. Thinking about what was said was another, and Jack looked down at his hands with another little twitch of his mouth.
“I don’t… want to go to Ruthy’s anymore,” he said. He didn’t know what else to say. Everything else hurt.
“Good. Because I want to go with my boyfriend without you glaring at him.” Karen shook her head and left, letting the door close on its own on the way out.
Jack flinched at the noise and slumped to his left, leaning against his bed. He was certain now that he wasn’t happy to be back.