log: punisher & spectre WHO: Pella Castle & Steven Barnes WHAT: Saturday, August 17th. Pella and Steven talk. After smashing their naked bodies together, of course. They talk about fuzzy romance-things and a bit about the ~spy plot~.
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Steven had intended on talking to Pella when she finally got there, but instead, all he said was two words to Luka:
“Get out.”
After that, Steven locked his door, and there wasn’t much talking.
Just twenty minutes later, he was tangled up with Pella and his bedsheets, his head resting against her breast and his eyes closed. That had exhausted him one hell of a lot more than he thought he would, and he had a little twitch in his right hand.
Speech came slowly to him right now, and it took him a while to just open his mouth and form words. “God, I missed you like crazy. So much.”
Sex really hadn’t been what she was after, but she was only human, it had been over a month since the last time, and Steven had been kind of insistent. Even if it did feel kind of juvenile and cramped fucking on a single-person bed.
“It’s been a while,” she admitted. “Not as long, but...”
It felt like cheating on Sam, even with what he knew. He’d told Pella he loved her and asked her to marry him, but he remembered being married to Sam. He remembered having sex with her a couple of weeks ago. It was all a mess in his head that he was trying to sort out, but he knew what he wanted: a life with Pella, a chance with her, even if he never got his memories back.
“We have a kid?” he asked quietly. “Seriously. You and me. We have a kid.”
“Mm.” Pella was idly running her fingers through Steven’s hair, comfortably letting her eyes drift shut while his weight rested on her. “That’s what happens when you have lots and lots of unprotected sex,” she said dryly.
Steven chuckled, kissing between her breasts before slumping down again. “Tell me about her?”
“She’s... an infant. Tiny. But she came in fighting. I was in shock. I’d been shot a couple times. Minimal anaesthetic. She was born three months early, but she cried well.” Pella was quiet, almost wistful. “She’s perfect.”
“Rachel Natalia, huh.” Steven closed his eyes, sighing heavily. “Oh, yeah. She’ll break hearts. When can she come home? A month from now? I want to meet her.”
“A month if we’re lucky, October if we aren’t. She’s getting help, though. Elixir was here when she was a week old. I’m sure Thane’s been there, now that I’m not guarding the door. Unfortunately, that fight we got into got us banned from the hospital.”
“Yeah. Heard about that. Sorry.” Cursing under his breath, Steven rolled over onto his back. “I just don’t know when it happened. I mean, I extra don’t know now that my memory’s jacked, but … I should’ve seen this coming from a mile away. Both my parents have been hijacked and used and played for puppets more times than they’ve even told me. One of my worst fears.”
“It’s over now.” Pella propped her chin up on her hand and rolled onto her side so she could look at him. “You may or may not get your memories back. Either way, we’ll deal with it.”
Steven glanced at her, and for the first time since waking up from this he really looked. She seemed older, wiser. Different. It hadn’t been that long but Pella lived a difficult kind of life. Pregnancy had changed her body, the scar from the c-section was still new. “I want it back,” he said, reaching up to cradle her cheek.
“I know. So do I. But we’ll deal either way.” Pella kissed his forehead. “And when I find out who did this to you, I will murder them. It’ll be painful, and terrible, and I’ll probably like it. Promise not to think less of me.”
“Honestly... I feel kind of bad, but I think that’s hot.” Steven tipped his face up to brush his lips against hers.
“Really?” Pella almost smiled. Steven was probably the only person who found that likable or charming. It just made most people uncomfortable.
“Really.” They were soldiers. More than that, they were killers. Living weapons. Steven understood Pella’s mentality a lot better than other people did, and most people didn’t understand what Steven did for a living. Most of the time a job wasn’t done until someone was dead, clean and quiet.
Pella was quiet, leaning in a little more so she could give Steven a long, slow kiss. “I have something,” she murmured. “This needs to stay between us, in case it’s useless.”
“Mm?” Steven sat up and leaned back against the wall. “What is it?”
Pella leaned over the side of the bed to reach into her bag. When she pulled back up, she had something small and black in her hand. “It’s black market. I couldn’t just commission one. I don’t know who’s watching official channels.”
“Holy...” Steven reached out to pick it up, hand twitching before he could grasp it. “Are you serious? Are you serious. Do you know how hard these are to get? I don’t even have one of these.”
“It cost me. I owe some people big favors for this. It’ll bite me in the ass later. But if it’s Yoko or the Logans, it’s worth it.” Pella wasn’t much of a gambler, either. “If it’s not, then killing the culprit will be easier and we have this for later.”
Steven whistled low, turning it over in his hands. “Tech’s jumped forward in three years, I’ve never seen anything this small. What’s the range on this?”
“One person. Two if they’re on top of each other, if you’re lucky, but it’ll keep someone like Wolverine out if it’s close enough.”
Steven passed it back. “You’re lucky I’m letting you keep it. I’m putting in a request. SHIELD owes me that much right now.”
“Don’t. Not yet. You’ll tip someone off.” Pella slipped it back into her bag.
“Please. I’ve lost three years of memory but I’m not an idiot.”
“Good.” Pella settled back in, crawling into Steven’s lap so they weren’t so cramped for space. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you’d decided to stay with Sam.”
Steven hesitated. “Yeah, well. It’s... complicated, honestly. With my memories how they are. But I never stopped loving you, Pella, and knowing how things change? How things are now, even though I don’t remember? I’m not going to go back to her. Especially not after what happened when she visited.”
“I shouldn’t have left.” They’d talked about this before, but not a lot. Things had always been going on that were more important. “It was a mess.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” Steven leaned in and kissed her lightly. “But I forgive you, okay? I forgive you. And forgive me for not fighting for you and taking you at your word.”
“You believed what I told you. There’s nothing to forgive.” Pella rested her forehead against Steven’s. “I always loved you. It made me stupid. And kind of crazy.”
Steven chuckled quietly. “That’s okay with me.”
“Mm. It probably is. You were the first person I ever had a real crush on. The first person I ever actually wanted to be with.” She paused before thoughtfully adding, “I’m glad I was with someone else before we got back together.”
Steven pulled back, surprised. “Yeah?”
“I think if I’d never been with a woman, it would have bothered me on some level. I did love her. It just wasn’t the same as us.”
“I love Sam.” Steven shrugged. “Our marriage hasn’t gone to hell----not yet, anyway, not in my mind. But it’s not the same as us. And I think deep down I know that. I’ve always known it wasn’t right. Not bad, just not … right.”
“You got together really fast,” Pella said flatly. “I was going to try to talk to you, but the next I saw you I was attending your wedding. It seemed like a bad time to apologize.”
“It… yeah. It was fast. We just kind of clicked, I guess. It was what I needed at the time. What we both needed. But that doesn’t mean it works out in the long term. She’s a good woman. Really, she is. She can be a judgmental bitch, but she’s not a bad person. She’s just bad… for me.” Steven leaned back against the headboard and sighed. Finally, he admitted: “It was also because she was pregnant.”
Pella went quiet, listening. When he was finished, she nodded. “And she lost the baby.” Had to. Everyone would’ve known if Sam ever had a baby.
“Yeah.” Steven looked down at his hands. “It hasn’t been that long. For me, I mean. And it’s… things have kind of gone to hell after that. We’re breaking apart, realizing that what brought us together can’t really last. And I’m…” He trailed off, shoving his fingers back through his hair. “Sorry, Pel, this is all ancient history for you. My head’s just confused with the timing.”
“I have a long memory. You can talk to me. We’ve never actually had a conversation about Sam before like this.” Pella sat back, giving him space. “I want to talk about this. Tell me.”
Steven glanced up, shrugging. “What do you want to know? I don’t remember the last couple years, it’s just. You and I split up, Sam was there… we went on a few dates and they were good. Back like old times, when we were in high school. It got serious, she got pregnant, and … it just seemed like the right thing to do.”
“Do you think it was?”
“At the time? Yeah.” Steven shook his head. “Now? I don’t know. We’re different people. Even if I didn’t kill people for a living, we’re different people. I’m just figuring that out, especially seeing her now, three years later.”
Pella ran her hand over Steven’s shoulder, watching him for another couple seconds before moving away to dress. “I don’t know much about you,” she realized. “We understand each other better than anyone else, but I don’t know much about your life. And you don’t know much about mine.”
“Huh.” Steven considered this, surprised. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. But that’s not on you. Most people don’t know me. Or they know what I let them know, and nobody really has everything.”
“I want to.” She picked up a pair of his boxers and handed them over. This would be a weird conversation if they stayed naked. “I want to know what your life was like before we met.”
“...Why?” Steven asked. He tugged on his shorts and leaned over the bed to grab his shirt. “I was twelve years old when I met you, there’s not much to know.”
“A lot happened by the time I was twelve. You never tell me anything about your parents, or much about Luka. Most of what we know about each other is just observation, or it’s something we learned being in a relationship.” Pella tugged her underwear back on.
Steven pulled on his shirt, taking time to adjust it when the fabric got bunched. “I … I don’t know, what do you want to know?”
“I don’t know. Anything,” Pella said awkwardly. “I… want to know what your mom is like. What was she like when you were a kid?”
Caught off guard, Steven smiled. “She’s ... my mom.” His smile widened and he glanced away, looking boyish and young again. “When I was a kid she was always smart, and kept me in line, but she was warm. Protective. Back then we didn’t know where Dad was, we thought he was dead, and before Luka was born it was just me and her. She taught me Russian, taught me a thing or two about fighting by the time I was seven. She didn’t do the … normal mom-stuff, I guess.”
“And your dad?” With her dress back on, Pella moved back in close, drawing her legs back up onto the bed.
“Good. Taught me to play football, and he could cook. Not that Mama doesn’t cook, she does, but it’s different. Never… you know what, he never had a problem with Luka being Tony’s kid. If he did, he never let me see it. He always loved Luka like his own and kept any shit he might have had with my mother or Tony out of earshot.”
“It didn’t impact your relationship with Luka, either.” Pella knew that Steven would choose Luka over her---he was family, it was only right---but it was more than that. It wasn’t family loyalty, it was genuine loyalty.
“Not really.” Steven rubbed his wrist, stretching his hand. Pella had really done a number on his forearm, and even with Todd’s help, it wasn’t perfect. “I mean, it was bad for the first year or so. He was a snot-nosed little shit and I insisted he wasn’t my brother, but I got over it.”
Pella blinked. “He was an infant.”
“Yeah. Asshole.”
“But… ---I missed a joke, didn’t I?”
Steven smiled. “Yeah, Pel. You missed a joke. And Luka… you know, we had our ups and downs, he was too smart for his own good and a real brat about it, too. But he’s mine.”
“He’s doing well. I don’t think he’s happy about joining SHIELD, but he’ll be good at it once he gets comfortable. He’s been helping you the last few months, ever since Extremis. You’d never admit it to me, but it would be out of character for him not to.”
“Has he?” Steven wasn’t sure what to think about that. Luka was valuable, and wildly intelligent, but he really wasn’t sure if this was the life he wanted his baby brother to lead. “He’s got a boyfriend. They’re both so young.”
“Billy’s older than he seems. Not much, but he’s old enough for Luka.” To Pella, Luka was more than old enough to be getting involved in this sort of thing. Overdue, even.
And Steven just forgot that Luka wasn’t nineteen anymore. “I just don’t want them fucking up their lives, you know? I’m not saying my life’s fucked up, this is what I’m meant to do.” He flexed his hand again, taking time to rub and massage his forearm. “Sometimes I think I want a normal life. I thought I could have it with Sam, but none of us really want that, or can’t have it. Luka’s got a new life now. We didn’t think he was going to make it past twenty and now he’s healthier than all of us. I just want him to…” His breath hitched. “I just want him to stay that way.”
“You can’t make that decision for him. He’s twenty-three. He’s been an adult for a long time. If he wanted to disappear, he would. He’s choosing to stay.” Maybe for Steven. Maybe for Billy’s sake. Maybe just because he didn’t think SHIELD was so bad after all. He’d had plenty of time to bolt, and he hadn’t.
“Twenty-three. Jesus Christ.” Steven covered his mouth with his hand and looked away. “I really… I really never thought he’d make it.”
“He almost didn’t. He died last year.”
“But he’s alive. And that’s what matters. He’s alive and he’s okay, and he’s… got all these fucked up powers, Pel, it really freaks me out.”
“You get used to them. Usually it’s just invasive and annoying.”
Steven chuckled. “Yeah, well. Right now it freaks me out. Luka wouldn’t have wanted a life like that unless he had to have it, and… yeah. He had to have it. I’ll take it over the alternative of losing him.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Beat. “I’m also thirsty. I’m going to grab a beer.”
“Grab me one, too? I’d go with, but I’m still a little unsteady. Wouldn’t want to slow you down.”