log: songbird & spectre WHO: Sam Barton & Steven Barnes WHAT: Thursday, August 15th, late afternoon. Sam swings by the Rogers place to talk to Steven because he asked for her. They have a nice chat about their marriage being bad, and a not so nice chat about Pella that ends badly. Whoops.
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Sherwood wouldn’t like that Sam was out and about, considering what was happening, but it was a risk that she was willing to take at the moment. She took a limo, stayed away from the windows, and felt ridiculous being paranoid. She wasn’t a SHIELD agent and might not have been in even a little bit of danger through all this. Steven was. Sherwood was. Sam just... wasn’t.
She had considered dressing up, making herself seem as desirable as possible. Maybe so he would hear about the future and regret leaving her, or... actually realize he wanted her more than he’d ever wanted Pella. It was bullshit; Sam didn’t even know if she wanted Steven as much as she missed what her life had been like before they’d divorced. It hadn’t been great, but this was worse. In the end she made herself look nice, like a normal, pretty person instead of like a movie star.
When Sam knocked on the door, she hoped that Steven would answer it before anyone else would. Talking to Steve and Carol was still a little uncomfortable. They were like a second set of ex-in-laws.
Of course Steven didn’t answer it first. He was still in recovery, both mental and physical. Instead, the first person to answer was Carol Danvers-Rogers, dressed in sweatpants and a tank top, her long blonde hair in a loose braid over one shoulder.
She blinked and tried to hide her expression of surprise. “Sam.” She leaned up against the door, effectively blocking Sam’s entrance for the time being. It wasn’t that she was unpleasant, but she seemed cautious. “Hi. It’s been a while, how’ve you been?”
“Oh, you know. I’ve been.” Carol wasn’t nearly as bad as Natasha. At least with Carol, Sam had an idea of where she stood; Carol was straightfoward and aggressive, where Sam was never sure if Natasha was planning to be friendly or not even if the situation started out positive. Natasha wasn’t bitchy, but she was just... like that. She was a SHIELD agent, and Sam had treated her oldest son like shit. Asking Natasha to be really friendly with Sam was asking a lot.
Carol swayed on her heels for a moment before giving in. “Ohhh, come here.” She moved in and tugged Sam in for a tight hug, even picking her up off her feet. Relationships were messy and they were all far too close. She remembered the days when Jess Drew dated Sam’s dad, and Steven’s mom, and everyone in their generation bounced between one another like crazy, too. Sam’s marriage with Steven hadn’t ended well and it hadn’t been comfortable, but Sam wasn’t a bad person for it. Neither of them were.
Sam was grateful for the hug and squeezed back, stumbling a little on her heels when Carol put her down. “Hi. I missed you so much, it’s been forever, I’m sorry I haven’t called.” Compared to Carol, Sam was short, even in heels.
“Hey, life gets busy in Hollywood, I get it.” Carol patted Sam on the back before pulling back to look at her. She followed the news, she knew things hadn’t been great for Sam, so there was a bit of caution in her voice when she said: “How’ve you been, honey?”
Sam shrugged it off. “I’m... working on it. I came to see Steven, though. They wouldn’t let me in to see him before SHIELD let him come here. Pella texted me, of all people. I figured the next time I spoke to her it would be so she could shoot me.”
Carol’s smile faded. “Right. You heard about Steven. He’s...” She looked back over her shoulder. “He’s doing okay. He had some injuries but he’s healing well, it’s mostly trouble from the neuro stuff they did to remove his programming.” She hesitated, leaning up against the door again and keeping it as closed as possible. Lowering her voice, she said: “He’s lost three years of memory, more or less.”
Sam sighed, her expression falling. “Yeah,” she said quietly. “Pella mentioned. She said he asked for me when I woke up. I don’t know if he still is, but I can’t... it’s selfish, but I can’t let other people explain what happened to us. He deserves to hear it from me. For both of us.”
Carol’s expression softened. “Okay,” she said gently. “Come in. At least have a cup of tea. I can’t guarantee he’s okay to see you. He might be sleeping, but he does ask about you so I’m sure if he’s up for it he’ll want to.” She stepped aside and opened the door wider.
“Thanks. I promise I’ll try to keep it quick. I don’t want to make this harder for him than it has to be.” But he still needed the truth, which Sam was willing to bet most people weren’t giving him.
Carol nodded and led Sam into the living room. The house was massive, thanks to the added wing for the Barnes family and the guest bedrooms, but it was lived-in and comfortable despite seeming so big. “Have a seat on the couch, hon, I’ll get Steven.”
And then she was off, headed to the other wing of the house.
Sam had always loved the Rogers place. There was nothing uncomfortable or stiff about their living room, and the couch was soft and squishy. It didn’t really make up for having to talk to Steven about this, but it helped a little.
It took a minute or two, but soon Carol came back, guiding Steven and helping to steady him while he walked. He looked like hell and exhausted, but when he saw Sam he gently pushed Carol away so he could walk on his own. He was slow, and had a slight limp, and every step seemed to take extra mental effort.
“Sam.”
He went to sit beside her, throwing his arms around her and pulling her in for a hug. “I thought you weren’t going to come. Hey.”
Sam made a sympathetic noise and wrapped her arms around him. They didn’t get along, but she still cared that he looked miserable and hurt. “Of course I came. I just had to get away from something. You look terrible, sweetheart, I should’ve come at a different time.”
“It’s a rough time,” Steven admitted. “Recovery from this is shit.” Pulling away, he took her hands and rested them in his lap. “It should fade with physical therapy, exercise... my brain needs to do some rewiring, that’s all.”
“I’m just glad you’re safe.” It was genuine. Sam was scared for Sherwood, but it didn’t mean she didn’t care about anyone else. “How much has everyone told you?”
“Not much.” Steven looked down at their hands, his thumb caressing her knuckles. “I know I’ve missed three years. I know I was used as a sleeper agent and no one knows details. I know that...” He hesitated, looking up at her. “I know things are over between us.”
Sam breathed a sigh of relief and couldn’t bring herself to feel guilty about it. “Thank God. I really wasn’t looking forward to explaining that. It didn’t go well.”
“I’m sorry,” Steven said honestly. “I am so, so sorry, Sam. For what happened, even though I don’t know what it was. I never meant for it to go to hell.”
“I...” Oh. That... was nice. “You’ll hate me, but I was all ready to explain that we weren’t together, and give you this big speech about how terrible it was for me because we haven’t had a positive conversation since you left me. I was... honestly, I was horrible to you near the end. We were bad together, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but I was completely horrible. I never apologized for it because every time we spoke after that we’d fight and I wouldn’t want to give you the satisfaction.” But he was being nice and apologetic and he had amnesia. Now was a good time to be calm and sympathetic.
“Why?” Steven asked. “Why did things go so bad?” He knew they weren’t perfect, but the idea of it going to hell so fast and being terrible in such a short time that he was already with Pella and had a child? It seemed insane.
Sam shrugged and made a vague, one-handed gesture. “Because... it did. We wanted really different things. And promise not to be mad at me for this when you get your memories back, but I don’t think you liked me all that much. Not that you don’t like me, but we got married so fast and I was so in love with who you were in front of other people and not that fond of who you were in private, and you hated that I wanted to be out all the time and not at home. You came to the school last winter to fix things with me, but you were a few months late because I’d gotten there in September, and Pella was there. I didn’t stand a chance with you while she was around.”
“Oh.” Steven nodded, taking this in. “Okay. That makes sense, I guess. And I... Pella... God, I’ve barely talked to her in two years, I don’t even know how to take that.” It wasn’t that he couldn’t believe making that choice, but he didn’t know how he could have reached those circumstances, or Pella being interested.
“It’s like you were never apart,” Sam admitted. Talking about this was weird, especially after being so bitter about Pella for so long. Enough time had passed that she didn’t feel the need to call Pella a slut anymore (and would rather forget she’d ever said it), and now all that was left was what was honest. “Once she was around, I could barely get time with you because you were always running off for beers or target practice with her or James, and the way she could get you to laugh... It was uncomfortable. I hated her. I hated her more because she wasn’t putting any effort into it.”
Steven listened, but he didn’t say much. He was trying to place those memories, trying to make sense of it. He didn’t remember any of this, even if it sounded like it would be right. For everyone else, this had already happened, but this was like his future. “Did I... cheat on you? With her? Did I do that?”
Sam hesitated. She could’ve lied and made herself look good, and God was she tempted, but he was being so earnest that she couldn’t. “No.” Ugh. “I acted like you did. And a part of me really wanted you to so I wouldn’t look so paranoid. But... no, I don’t think you did.”
“Good. I, uh. I’d like to think of myself as honest, if nothing else.”
“Yeah, well. You left me on Christmas Eve and then in July you had a baby,” she said flatly. “You didn’t waste time.”
Steven shrugged. “I’m sorry. If I remembered anything I’d give you a real apology.”
Sam shrugged. “I’ve dealt with it. You don’t have to feel bad.”
“Still. That’s... it’s not how I’d want to end it,” Steven said. “You’re not a bad wife, Sam. And I do love you. I do. It’s just. Sometimes.” He leaned back, frowning. “Sometimes I wonder if we’re compatible, or if we should have gotten married at all.”
Sam sighed. There was the truth, and there was the thing that made her feel good. Maybe if she told the truth he wouldn’t spread it around. “I’m a bad wife for you, Steven. And you’re a terrible husband for me. Somehow you’re perfect for Pella, I have no idea how that works, she’s like this weird, awkward alien, but she gets you. I don’t. And you don’t get me.”
“We’re different. Even now, Sam. Or----even where I am, in my head. We’re just different, and I’m realizing it now. It’s not just our jobs, but I’m … introverted. You want a man who’s going to be arm candy for you, and love going to parties with you, and love the life you lead.” Steven squeezed her hands. This was the conversation they should have had. “You know what Pel and I used to do, when we were soldiers together? We just sat. For hours. And we didn’t say anything. And I was totally cool with that.”
Sam had to remind herself not to roll her eyes. “I am not surprised.”
“I know, I know.” Steven chuckled. “See.”
“I don’t get it. I guess I can only say that so many times.”
Steven shrugged. “You don’t have to get it. Our relationship was different from my relationship with you. It was … easier, I guess. More comfortable. I felt like I didn’t have to be someone else half the time. She understood my life and appreciated it, and sometimes I feel like you don’t.”
“Because I don’t,” Sam admitted. “I don’t understand it when you do it, or when Sherwood does it, or my parents.” She shrugged. She’d already had this kind of conversation with Sherwood. “Have you talked to Pella at all...?”
“When I woke up,” Steven said. “She... she essentially dropped the bomb on me and left. Told me I’ve got a daughter. Me. And I...” He lifted his head. “After what happened between us, and then knowing that my life is nothing like I know it, and Pella and I...” He ran his hands back through his hair, taking a moment to breathe. “She told me all this and left. Haven’t heard from her since.”
“And it’s not like you’ve been allowed to see the baby---”
Steven blinked, looking up. “I’ve been in recovery. I was told I’d see her once I could walk long enough.”
“...Yeah. That.” Sam nodded, hoping he’d forget about it.
Nope. “What do you mean ‘allowed’?”
“Nothing.”
“Sam.”
“I’m not trying to be a bitch, I’m just not really supposed to know anything.” Sam made an apologetic face and shrugged a little.
“So tell me what you know, anyway.”
She bit her lip, weighing exactly how upset people would be with her versus Steven’s sad faces. “You sort of... got banned from the hospital. So did Pella.”
Steven stared at her. “Bullshit.”
Sam shook her head. She should’ve kept her mouth shut. “They found out you were a sleeper because you attacked Pella. In the hospital. So...”
“So we were... fuck.” Steven groaned, leaning down and covering his face in his hands. “Fuck. Rachel’s premature, she can’t leave the … this is fucked, who do I call. This isn’t happening.”
“She shot you, Steven. And you attacked her. You can’t blame the hospital for wanting to keep everyone safe.” Sam frowned. She wasn’t trying to be a buzzkill, but she couldn’t really blame the hospital, either.
“No, I know, but this is our child we’re talking about. Pella was the victim in all this, she shouldn’t be banned. Christ. I can’t even remember our child, Rachel deserves a mother, not being alone there.”
“She’s probably not alone. Steve and Carol and your parents must be there all the time. They’re just afraid, and it’s not like Rachel will remember being separated from her parents for such a small amount of time---”
Steven frowned. “It doesn’t matter, a child needs her parents, Pella needs to be with her. I know her. I know how she thinks. I know if … if I’m not there, and she can’t be near her daughter----she’s going to lose it. She doesn’t deserve to lose her family like this.”
Sam raised her eyebrows and snorted a little before she realized how rude it was. “I’m sure Pella can handle it.”
“Excuse me?”
“She can handle it? Come on. It’s... it’s Pella, nothing gets to her. She’s like a robot---”
Steven held up a hand. “Stop. You don’t know her. You clearly don’t know her. Pella doesn’t make a big deal about her feelings, she doesn’t show her feelings, but they’re there. She cares deeply about people, Sam. She cares about what people think of her, she knows she’s off-putting, she knows she intimidates and bothers people. I know her better than most and to say she’s a robot is so completely wrong... this is killing her. I can tell. This is killing her and no one knows because no one’s going to see it. They’re just...” Steven covered his mouth, like he could hide the way his voice broke. “They’re just going to say she can handle it and ignore her while she’s dying inside.”
Sam listened, idly nodding her head and trying not to be rude. It was all hidden depths and everything, but it was hard to believe. Pella was this strange, emotionless alien as far as Sam was concerned, albeit a strange, emotionless alien that Sam had lost a man to for whatever reason. Steven just sounded... crazy. Like someone who described the intricate emotions of their Barbie doll and believed it.
“...Right,” Sam said lamely. “Maybe I shouldn’t have called her a slut, then.”
“You what?” Steven leaned back, going silent. He looked away, closing off in the way he always did. He was done. Sam had crossed a line and Steven couldn’t even bring himself to argue.
“Come on, we were trying to work on our marriage and Pella was all ‘have a beer with me, Steven’ and ‘come to the Danger Room with me, Steven’ and ‘I got you this absurdly expensive Qu’ran for Christmas, Steven’. She was on you all the time, she’s never had anything nice to say to me, and she was really bitchy when I asked her what was up between you two.” Sam was getting shrill. She could hear it happening and couldn’t seem to stop it. Hell, she almost didn’t feel that bad. “We were having horrible, boring sex when you were around me, and then you spent all your free time with this girl that you had this super secret relationship with that you would never talk to me about. What was I supposed to think? All we did was argue, and all you did with her was look happy, how wasn’t I supposed to think you were fucking her---”
Steven couldn’t listen to it anymore. Instead of blowing up at her, he stood. The process of moving so suddenly made him dizzy, and he lost his balance. He stayed standing thanks to a sharp grip on the chair, and he straightened up to slowly leave the room. He just couldn’t do this right now. He couldn’t. Sam wasn’t like this. Is this how bad things had gotten? Really?
Sam flopped back on the couch and covered her face with both hands. Sam got screechy, and Steven checked out. No wonder they never spoke when they were married. No wonder they’d failed.