log: punisher & pari WHO: Pella Castle & Kinah Guthrie WHAT: Wednesday, August 14th, evening. Kinah drops by Pella's apartment to check on her and finds that Pella's packed up all Steven's stuff.
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Banned from the hospital and with Steven staying with her parents, Pella just decided to go back to Xavier’s. She didn’t want to mope, but she needed the time away to be back into her own space. She collected her weapons from Luka’s room, cleaned out her apartment, and put all of Steven’s things together. He might not want to leave them here once he decided what he was going to do, and Pella wasn’t going to make him pack.
She wasn’t expecting any visitors, but she answered the door there was a knock anyway. Pella cracked open the door with the chain still on, and then closed and opened it for real when it was just Kinah.
“Hi. Come in. I was about to eat.”
Kinah was dressed in a tunic and soft pants, her sleeves rolled up and her hijab short and just tied up at the nape of her neck. It was a little revealing, but Kinah had been working on packing up her room all day and finalizing wedding affairs and it was just too warm to be completely covered up.
“As-salamu alaykum, Pella, is this a bad time?” she asked gently as she stepped in. “I just wanted to see how you were doing, ask if you could use some tea or anything...”
“Wa alaykumu s-salam,” Pella echoed, closing the door behind Kinah and locking it. “It’s not a bad time, but I could use some tea.”
“Good, because I brought tea.” Kinah produced a little tin from her pocket to show her, then pulled Pella into a tight hug. “Any news about Steven? Is he safe? Please tell me he’s well.”
It was a little awkward at first, but eventually Pella hugged back, resting her head on Kinah’s shoulder. “I can’t tell you much, but he needed surgery. He lost some memories. He’s awake, and alive. He’s probably well.”
“Probably?” Kinah cradled Pella against her shoulder and took a moment to look around the apartment. Things had moved. Boxes looked packed. “Are you moving...? If you needed boxes, I have plenty right now, but...”
“It’s fine. I’m done packing. It’s all Steven’s.” Pella gave Kinah an extra squeeze before she pulled away. “He lost years. Still thinks he’s married to Sam. There’s a chance he won’t get his memories back. I don’t want it to be difficult to get his things if he wants them.”
Kinah gasped softly, covering her mouth with her fingertips. “What? No. You have a baby. Pella...” She couldn’t contain the concern in her voice. “Did they say it was permanent?”
“They don’t know. Sometimes it’s permanent. Sometimes it isn’t. It’s not an exact science. I would explain if I could.” Pella plucked the little box of tea out of Kinah’s hand and moved into the kitchen.
Kinah followed her like she didn’t want to lose her. “It’s only been a day, and you’ve packed his things?”
“It’s just a precaution. If he remembers and comes home, we’ll put it all back up.” Pella wasn’t one to waste time, and without Steven or Rachel to protect or fuss over, she had a lot of free time.
“Pella.” Kinah caught Pella by the arm and forced her to stop. She spoke as softly as ever, but the gesture was strong. No one would ever say Kinah was tough like Pella, and some people thought she was so gentle that she had no power, but those people had never seen her like this. “Where is your faith?”
Pella let herself be pulled at. Right now, it was definitely a privilege. “My faith is with Allah,” she said firmly. “Not with people.”
“Then trust Him to take care of Steven.” Pella was one of the most intimidating people at the school, but Kinah stood her ground. “Have faith in Steven, give him your support. I know you aren’t married to him but you have a child with him. You’ve made a commitment. Honor that commitment.”
On anyone else, Pella might have been offended, but she had respect for Kinah. Kinah never meant harm, and Pella didn’t have many friends, either. “I do support him. If he wants something from me, he’ll tell me. Right now he’s with his parents and his brother. He’s staying in the home he grew up in. Having me around isn’t support, it’s pressure.”
“You’re packing his things,” said Kinah, staring at her.
“He was scrubbed, Kinah. There’s no fantasy fix for it. He won’t see something familiar and have things flood back. If he comes to see me and has all of his things around, it’s just a painful reminder that he’s missing something. It will hurt and confuse him. Let go of me now, please.”
Kinah shook her head in disappointment, but she did as she was asked. “You’re giving up on him,” she said.
Pella frowned. “I’m not perfect.”
Kinah raised her eyebrows, slowly folding her arms.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Pella turned away and decided to start making tea. Filling the pot was clunky when one arm was in a sling. “It may take him a long time to remember, if he ever does. I’m not giving up, I’m tired. They won’t let me see my daughter, and my boyfriend is back to being in love with his ex-wife. In the last month, I’ve been shot, stabbed, and attacked by someone who loves me. I want my space to be mine, not ours.” Pella never complained. She was either that tired, or trusted Kinah that much.
“I...” Kinah closed her mouth and looked down at her feet. That was fair. Pella had been through so much that it made sense if she wanted to have a space free from things that reminded her of all that. “I hadn’t thought about it that way. I’m sorry.”
Pella shrugged with her good shoulder. She’d popped the bad one in so fast that it was badly bruised on top of everything else. “Thank you.”
Kinah nodded. “Have you heard anything? About Rachel, or...” She wasn’t sure what to talk about. She hadn’t come in here to be combative or to push Pella past her comfort zone, and she couldn’t completely understand all of the things that Pella had been through in the last week. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“My parents are keeping me updated. It’s not the same.” Pella was quiet for a few long moments, the quiet occupied by the sound of her plopping the kettle down onto the stove. Eventually, she admitted, “I miss my father.”
“Your real father?”
Pella nodded. “I haven’t seen him in a month. If I’m working a job I can live with it. Now I just wish he was here.”
“I’m sorry, Pella.” Kinah quietly moved into Pella’s space, taking Pella’s hands from the kettle and turning the stove on for her. “I just wish there was something I could do beyond bringing you tea.” Part of her wanted to suggest that maybe it was time Pella gave up her life of violence, but she didn’t want to insinuate that any of this was Pella’s fault, or her father’s fault. In a way, it might have been, but violence came to the innocent as well.
“It’s enough. I’ll deal with it. I always do.” But damn it if she wasn’t tired. Pella picked herself up faster than most people. It was a rare day when she wasn’t steadfast or calm. “I appreciate that you’re here.”
Kinah gently put an arm around her, rubbing circles against Pella’s back. “I know it doesn’t seem like much right now, and maybe it seems silly, but … have faith. Pray. Let yourself be open. Allah doesn’t magically solve our problems but I like to think He doesn’t abandon us, either.”
“It doesn’t seem silly. Praying is the only thing that makes me feel good right now.” Pella was still for a good long time, letting Kinah touch her without touching back. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, she turned and leaned into another hug, wrapping her good arm around Kinah.
“Oh----Pella----” Kinah wrapped her arms around her as gently as possible. She let Pella hug, let her do whatever she needed to do, and softly rubbed her back again.
Pella rested her head on Kinah’s shoulder again. “I’m alone again. I hate it.”
“You aren’t alone,” Kinah said quietly. “You have me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“It’s not the same. Steven is my partner. I don’t like doing anything without him.” Pella was hardly codependent by nature, but...
“I know.” Kinah pulled back so she could cradle Pella’s face. “I know. But you can, and you will. You’re going to stay strong, so that when he comes back you’ll be ready for him. Yeah?”
“He’s better at these things than I am. If it was me, he’d be waiting outside my door every day until I remembered him.” When the kettle whistled, Pella pulled away to take it off the heat. “He would do the right thing without thinking.”
Kinah leaned against the counter. “So, you’ve thought about it. Now do the right thing.”
“I’m not like that, Kinah. I don’t walk into a room and say the right thing. I don’t know when to leave people alone and when to push when I need to. If I can’t hurt someone, I don’t know what I’m doing.” She picked up the little box of tea, resting it in her bad hand and prying it open with the other.
“Yes, you do. When it comes to Steven, yes, you do. There’s a reason he loves you. You know that, right? That you deserve love?”
“I still don’t know why,” Pella admitted. Making tea one-handed was a welcome distraction, and a good reason not to look at Kinah directly. “I’ve never asked. I know I deserve to be loved, I just don’t know why Steven does.”
Kinah smiled faintly. “When his memories return, ask him.”
“He’ll be angry at me until they do.”
“Angry?” Kinah’s smile faded. “Why would he be angry with you?”
“Because he was angry with me nine months ago, and had been for years. Apparently he was able to hold it in because he had Sam, but once she wasn’t between us, he was angry because of the way I left him. We fought for a month.”
“Oh. Well.” There wasn’t much Kinah could say. There was only so much supportive advice she could give before it all sounded hackneyed, and it was getting slightly awkward. She glanced away, at a loss.
Pella was quiet until she realized that Kinah might not have known what she was actually talking about. “I told you that this isn’t our first time together, didn’t I?”
“You might have mentioned it, but you didn’t say your breakup was bad,” Kinah said. She went to sit at the kitchen table, sinking down.
“We were together for a few years when I was a Marine. He was assigned to keep an eye on me, in case I went rogue. I don’t blame SHIELD for doing it.” Pella settled down across the table from Kinah, sliding over her mug of tea. “We didn’t tell anyone. When I was on leave, I ran SHIELD jobs with him, and we mostly went our separate ways at home so he could spend time with his brother and his parents. I lost my virginity to him. When my last tour ended, I knew I wasn’t going to re-enlist so I could come here and teach Owen. I panicked, and I broke it off before we got home. He never really forgave me.”
Kinah nodded, picking up her mug and blowing on the surface. “It takes time to heal from a broken heart.”
“I wouldn’t know. Neither of us ever did.”
“Let him feel how he feels for now. He’ll get his memories back and will remember everything.”
Pella responded with silence. Her small talk was lacking, so she changed the subject instead. “I’m still coming to the wedding.”
Kinah looked up, genuinely surprised. “You... really?” She blinked. “You are? After everything, you’re still coming?”
“Of course.”
It took a moment, but Kinah’s mouth twitched up in a little smile. She almost looked like she’d cry. “Thank you. That means a lot. I’d understand if you weren’t coming, but it’s... really important to me to have my best friend there.”
Pella blinked. “I’m your best friend?”
Kinah’s cheeks flushed. “I... yes,” she said quietly. She looked back down at her tea, rubbing her thumb over the lip of the mug. “Since coming here I haven’t made a lot of friends. In fact, I’ve made a few people very unhappy, or made them feel uncomfortable, I’ve been in fights, and I keep to myself, yeah? So.” She’d gotten past heartbreak and found love, but other than Pella she hadn’t really found friends.
Pella’s mouth twitched---and then she smiled, no interpretation required. “I don’t make friends easily. I’m glad I have you.”
Kinah reached out and took Pella’s hand. “I’m glad I have you too.”