Log: Spectre, Medic, Extremis, & Black Widow WHO: Steven Barnes, Thane Morgan, Luka Romanov, & Natasha Romanova (NPC) WHAT: Steven wakes up in a SHIELD facility and finds himself strapped to the bed and injured, with no knowledge as to why.
The last thing Steven remembered was walking to the hospital. For him, it was a split second later when he was waking up in a room with dark walls and bright fluorescent lighting, mostly bare except for the bed he was in and a couple of chairs. His body ached, his vision was blurred.
He tried to take stock of what was going on. Pain in his thigh, in his right arm, in his throat. Minor difficulty breathing. The light was hurting his eyes. The room was slightly too cold.
When he tried to move, he found that he was strapped down.
Steven was only alone for a few minutes. The door opened, and Dr. Morgan slipped inside, quietly closing it behind him. If they were locked in, it must have been from the outside. “You’re awake. Good.” Pulling up a chair, Thane settled next to Steven, scooting the chair in a little closer. “You’ve been badly hurt. Surgery went well. I need to change your bandages, now. You’ve been out longer than I thought; they must have kept you sedated after the anesthesia wore off.”
Steven let out a breath when he saw Thane. He wouldn’t have said they were close friends, but they were good acquaintances and he trusted his body to Thane’s care. Still, given what had just happened to Terrence and the fact that he was here, he wasn’t about to trust anyone in SHIELD.
“Don’t touch me.” His voice was hoarse and low; it hurt to talk. “Not until I know what’s going on. Not until I know what happened.”
Thane was quiet for a few moments, debating how blunt to be. In the end, he decided it was best not to beat around the bush. “You tried to kill Pella.”
Steven kept his expression passive; he’d had plenty of training and practice when it came to not giving away his thoughts. He was damn good at it, but this caused a flicker behind his eyes, a twitch of his mouth. “What? No, I didn’t. I was walking to the hospital, I woke up here.”
Thane shook his head. “You stabbed her. She called us as soon as they had you incapacitated. Very insistent that we check everything and that something was wrong. She thinks you killed Terrence, too.”
Steven’s breath hitched. He stayed quiet, but his mind was racing. Was Pella lying? Was she the mole all along, taking them out from the inside? Had it finally come to that? Or was Thane part of the conspiracy, capturing him and trying to keep him off guard? None of this made sense, and it made even less sense when he didn’t know who he could trust.
“I didn’t,” was all he said.
“Someone got to your head, Steven. The neuro doctors had a look at you. They found programming for a call phrase. I don’t think you’re supposed to remember.” Thane picked through the supplies he’d brought in, laying them out on the nearby tray for when Steven was ready to be touched.
Steven hesitated. Not a lot of things scared him. He lived a life of danger, of incredible violence. He saw terrible things on a regular basis. But being hijacked, being brainwashed, being forced to do things against his will and having no memory of it----it terrified him. He’d seen it happen to his father, he’d heard stories about it happening to his mother before he was born. They’d both had their minds abused so many times, been used as weapons against people they loved.
Was he so arrogant that he thought it could never happen to him?
“Someone got to me?” No. No. “I’d remember. I’d realize there was lost time. I’d know.”
“Not if you’re programmed not to notice it. ---May I?” Thane gestured toward Steven’s arm.
Steven’s eyes flickered downward. “Yes.”
Thane was gentle with him, carefully unwrapping Steven’s arm. With Steven tied down to the bed, it was slow going if Thane didn’t want to hurt him (and he didn’t). “You attacked Pella,” he repeated. “She’s not happy, but she’s … well, more or less. She had her side stitched up. Arm’s in a sling, but it isn’t broken. She wouldn’t let a healer touch her unless they helped you first.”
“God.” Steven let his eyes close and he rested his head back. “She’s tough. She’ll pull through. ---Rachel. Is Rachel all right? Did I do anything to Rachel?”
“No. But I don’t think they’ll let you back into the hospital. You went after Pella away from the baby. She got you pretty bad, though.” Thane dropped Steven’s bandage in the trash can. “Shot you point blank in the arm. I got that Foley kid in here, so you’ll be fine. Eventually.”
“Eventually?” Steven frowned. “That’s my right arm. I need my hand.” He twitched his fingers, hissing.
“He needs to get in here again, before scar tissue sets in. He regrew your bones and tendons. I made him take a break to be safe.” For now, Steven was stitched up, the wound exposed long enough for him to get a good look at it before Thane started bandaging him up again. “She got you in the leg, too, with a knife. And she punched you in the throat. I’ll get Todd to clear that up when he’s here again.”
Steven groaned. “That’s my girl,” he mumbled. His mind was racing so fast that he couldn’t get much out. “No idea who messed with me? No idea when?”
“No. I’m sorry. They’ll probably be doing an official investigation, but that’s not my department. You have some other choices to make first.”
“Other choices?”
“They want to fix your mind. Understandably. But you know procedure; they need your consent to do it. I need to warn you about possible outcomes. Loss of intelligence, paralysis. Loss of memory.”
Steven opened his eyes, glancing over. “I know the outcomes,” he said flatly. “Brainwashing runs in the family.”
Thane smoothed down the bandages. “Is that consent?”
“No.”
Thane nodded. “Understood. You know we can’t let you leave here if you say no.” It wasn’t a threat, really. It was Thane’s job to say it, so he did.
“I know.” Steven swallowed hard. “I want to talk to my mother.” He was thirty-two years old, but when he said it he sounded so young. Scared, even, just for a moment. “I don’t trust SHIELD. I don’t know who did this. I don’t know when. I don’t know how long my mind hasn’t been my own and I don’t want any of you poking around in my head and destroying me even more.”
Thane calmly moved to the wound on Steven’s thigh. He hadn’t let Todd touch that one, just in case he exhausted himself, and Steven’s condition hadn’t been urgent enough to push Todd to his limits. “She’s here. Your brother and his boyfriend are in custody; I don’t think they’re letting her see Luka, but I’ve heard she’s visited Billy.”
“What?” For the first time, Steven struggled against his bonds. “What the fuck do they have Luka for?”
“He helped you do whatever you were doing. He’s not doing well,” Thane admitted. “He’s heavily sedated so he can’t play with the system. I patched him up a bit, once you were finished. I don’t even know if he remembers that I was there at all.”
“Let me see him.” If Luka had been helping him, then he had memories that Steven didn’t. “I need to talk to him. I need information out of him. Whatever he did, he did it because he trusted me.”
“Let me ask. I don’t think they’ll say no. Luka won’t speak unless he sees you. They want whatever he has as much as you do.” Thane had clearly been told more than he normally would have. If they’d sent in anyone further away from Steven---or any closer---his reaction might not have been so calm.
Steven nodded. He was exhausted from speaking and his throat felt swollen. “Let me see Luka. Make sure Billy’s unhurt and that he stays that way. He can get aggressive but he’s just a child. And I need to see my mother.” Pause. “And my father.”
“I’ll do what I can. Let me finish here and I’ll talk to whoever will listen.” Thane’s tone was mild, but it was sincere.
“Thank you.” Steven was quiet, carefully keeping himself calm, but inside he was barely holding it together. He fixed his eyes on the opposite wall and went silent.
* * *
True to his word, Thane spoke to whoever would listen. The next time the door opened, it was for two agents, each holding Luka up by one arm. He couldn’t stand, conscious but obviously confused. When they plopped him down into a chair, they cuffed him to it. He and Steven were left alone, but they weren’t unwatched; in the bare room, the camera was obvious.
“Hey, bratishka.” Steven glanced over, feeling a stab of regret. He’d dragged Luka into this. Of course he had. Luka’s resources, his skills, were too valuable. “I’m sorry. I am … so sorry. You shouldn’t be here.”
Luka wasn’t looking up. He wasn’t suppressing his glow, and his eyes were unfocused and eerie. “How do I know it’s you?”
“You don’t,” Steven admitted.
“I can’t see. They have me... swimming in whatever. Can’t smell, either. I’m---on backup. Bare minimum. One lung. One kidney. What’s happening?”
Steven frowned. Luka didn’t deserve or need that treatment. “I’m strapped down. Recovering from injuries I don’t remember getting. Thane says my mind’s been hijacked and I attacked Pella. I...” His voice cracked slightly. “I might have killed Terrence. I need to know. Have I been meeting with you? Asking for information?”
Luka frowned in turn, confused. “All the time. You don’t remember?”
“Where? What did you give me?”
“A lot. I can’t remember. I’m doped up, Steven, I can’t... get to some of my memory.”
“Shh. Okay. You must have passed evidence on that … I don’t even know. I don’t know what it was. I need them to let you be at full capacity so you can access the information you passed. Find out what you gave me; might give some leads. But... Luka, I don’t know who you can even begin to trust.”
Luka sat up a little. His head clunked against the back of his chair. “Do I speak Russian?”
“...What?”
“I can’t remember. Can I speak Russian? I have some really... obscure vocabulary. Vague grammatical rules. But I can’t... remember.”
“Yes. Yes. You speak Russian, fluently. Your memory banks are just shut down right now and you’re running on minimum power,” Steven said quietly.
Luka was quiet for a few long moments, and then: “Who’s Billy? They keep telling me they have Billy. I don’t know who that is.”
Steven hesitated. “He’s...” Damn it. “He’s no one, Luka. Someone you know. Focus on yourself right now. They won’t hurt him if they’re smart.”
“Okay.”
Luka twitched uncomfortably when the door opened again. Steven had asked for both of his parents, but their mother was the only one who came in. She swore, and didn’t seem to know which one to go to first. “I’ll kill them.”
Steven faltered a little when he saw his mother. She understood what he was going through. She understood the confusion, the fear, the internal panic. He was keeping it together and being a very good agent about this, but the moment he saw her he very nearly broke down in tears. “Mama----”
“It’s okay.” Natasha pulled up another chair so she could sit between them, taking Steven’s hand in one of hers and Luka’s in the other. “Hey.”
Luka reacted to the sound and touch, angling his head toward her, but it was the best he could do. “Mama.”
“I’m here,” she answered in quiet Russian. “Look up at me, Luka. What did they do to you?”
“He can’t speak Russian,” Steven answered. “Memory banks suppressed. He’s been sedated and he’s running on next to nothing. Memory’s spotty, doesn’t know who Billy is.” It was easier to focus on this than his own problems.
Natasha’s mouth pressed into an irritated line. “Mm. Your father’s already yelling at people. I’ll tell him to shout at whoever’s responsible for drugging Luka while he’s at it.” She reached up and smoothed down Luka’s hair, gently squeezing the back of his neck. “Tell me what happened, Steven.”
Steven did his best to stay calm, to be a good soldier and stay professional, to not break down and beg his mother to hold him. Luka was the little one. Luka was the one who needed to be coddled. Steven was an adult and had grown past that, especially when Luka was also in a bad state. He felt like he didn’t deserve the attention, even when he needed it.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Somewhere along the line I got hijacked. They found evidence of a trigger phrase, probably, causing the change. I don’t know how long it’s been or what I’ve done, I just know I attacked Pella. She attacked right back.”
“What you did wasn’t your fault. I’m not saying that as your mother.” Natasha had been brainwashed more than once. So had Bucky. It was an existential crisis she’d long been through and understood.
Steven nodded vaguely. “I’m being used as a weapon. Right now Luka’s our best chance of getting more information, once he can remember what information he passed to me. It may lead nowhere but...”
“But it’s something. If you hadn’t gone through Luka, we might not know where to start looking. You don’t have to deal with that right now, Steven. Someone else will investigate.” She’d never advocating giving up, but the process of clearing up a person’s brain just took too much time. Steven would miss the best window for following up on leads.
Steven was quiet for a while, just watching his mother and brother. “They want to scrub me,” he finally said. “They want... they want to get rid of what they did to me. I just don’t know if I can trust SHIELD to do it when the leak is within SHIELD. I can’t risk being damaged further. The risks of being scrubbed are bad enough.”
Natasha took a deep breath. She smoothed down Luka’s hair one more time before she pulled away from him, giving Steven her full attention. “SHIELD is experienced with this. You have to weigh the risk of damage with the risk that leaving the trigger in will get more people killed. Or you’ll be caged here like an animal. You’re in danger of the leak no matter what you do. Only one thing lets you get out of here.”
Steven was staying strong, fighting hard to keep from breaking. Luka was allowed to crack, but he always felt like Natasha expected him to be stronger. He was the SHIELD agent, he was the one who followed in his parents’ footsteps. “How bad is it? How hard is it to recover? Is it ever the same after?”
“I don’t think that’s the right way to put it. You get better. With SHIELD, your memories usually come back one way or the other. Even with others. Completely wiping a person’s mind is almost impossible. So is completely taking them over. But the experience of being controlled is hard to shake. You’ll be afraid for a long time, and that’s normal.” Scooting up a little, Natasha kissed the top of Steven’s head. “But it’s better to be free and paranoid than giving anyone the keys to your head for any reason.”
Steven closed his eyes. His breath hitched and he bit back his emotions again. “I’m scared,” he admitted. “Of what I did. Of getting scrubbed.” Worst-case scenario, he’d end up with irreparable brain damage. “At least maybe with memory loss I could forget that I’ve probably murdered a friend.”
“Nobody can ever take away who you are. No matter how many times your head is messed with like this, they can’t truly rewrite you.” Natasha was careful not to touch anything that was particularly achy or injured. In the restraints, holding him was a little awkward, but she didn’t care. “I’ve done things to people that I never would have done if I were in my right mind. I’ve killed fellow agents and friends. It took me a long time to realize that it isn’t my fault. It wasn’t me.”
Steven finally cracked. He let out a soft, barely-audible sob, burying his face against his mother’s arm. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I never should have let this happen. I’m better than this.”
“Shhh. It happens to the best of us, Steven.” She rocked him as much as she could (just barely, there wasn’t much room) and held him tight so he had something to push against. “It’s not your fault. You resisted, whether you remember it or not. You left a trail. You made mistakes. You made it easier to find who did this to you. They couldn’t wipe you away.”
Once he’d broken, getting him back wouldn’t be easy. “I killed him,” he breathed. “Terrence. I killed him. I don’t remember it, but I... I just know it. I was trying to find who did it and it was me.” He’d done things he regretted, made tough decisions, but he’d never done anything like this before. “And Pella...”
“It wasn’t you,” Natasha repeated. “It wasn’t your fault. Listen to me, Steven: It wasn’t your fault. I’ve been there, and I know exactly how you feel, but it isn’t your fault. You didn’t kill Pella. You were still there.”
Steven nodded, but he went quiet. He’d already said enough, already broken enough. The fact that he’d done it in front of Luka just killed him. When he spoke again, he was forcing himself to pull things together. “Take Luka out of here, get them to take him off whatever he’s on. Make sure Billy hasn’t been hurt, Luka will thank you later when he cares. Check on Pella. Send Thane in here so I can give consent. Call Carol and ask about Rachel.”
“Five more minutes.” Steven was sucking it up, but Natasha wasn’t ready to let him pretend he was all right yet. He needed her.
“I’m fine,” Steven lied.
“No. You’re not.” She kissed his hair. “Do you remember what I told you about how I met your father?”
“I remember.”
“I told you that they put him on ice. I didn’t tell you why.” Natasha nuzzled him, holding on even when Steven was trying to be tough and put together. “Being around each other made us break our programming. They couldn’t make us do what they wanted when we were together, so they took him away from me. And when I was under, before you were born, they couldn’t make me forget him. I couldn’t kill him. And you couldn’t kill Pella. Do you understand?”
Steven listened, taking this in but not attempting to interrupt. It was a lot to take in, a lot that she hadn’t told him. He was thirty-two years old and there was so much that Natasha hadn’t said. “I sabotaged myself. Made mistakes. Must have.”
“You fought. You’re my son. You’re the best thing we’ve ever put into the world, Steven. You’re much harder to break than they think you are.” Natasha squeezed his hand before she finally pulled away. “I’ll make sure everything is taken care of.”
“Good.” Steven nodded, looking off toward the wall again and lapsing into silence. His eyes were red and his cheeks were wet, but it wasn’t like he could lift a hand to dry them. “I’ll be fine. Thank you.”
His mother reached over and wiped his cheeks dry. “Do you want to see Pella?”
“Not if she doesn’t want to see me,” Steven said quietly.
“And if she does?”
“Then... yes.”
“This will get fixed.” Natasha gently touched the underside of Steven’s chin before pulling away entirely. Before she left, she cradled Luka’s face in her hands and murmured something that Steven couldn’t hear. Luka shifted when she walked out, leaning toward the door.
Steven was silent for a few moments, waiting for Luka to speak. When he got nothing, he said: “You doing okay, bratishka?”