Soft light crept in through the window, pouring across the floor and washing Sidney’s four post bed in the early morning sunlight. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been awake, but was certain he hadn’t slept more than half the night. Closing his eyes for a moment he took in a deep breath and brought his hands up to cover his face as he let it out. Ever since they’d been transported to the seaside his mind hadn’t stopped racing. It was full to the brim with thoughts of his family, of London, of whether or not he had made a grave mistake coming here. Tom had written him back, reassuring him that everything in Sanditon was alright, but Sidney couldn’t help thinking he should be there to help. To support his brother.
Staring at the ceiling a moment longer he found he could not stand it anymore and pushed himself out of bed, pulling on an old worn shirt and pants. Not anything he would ever be seen wearing, but it was highly unlikely anyone was awake at the estate. The clock showed it was just past 5:30am, but no matter. He knew his way around. Riding boots on, he quietly left his room and made his way down the corridor and out toward the stables.
Thankful to discover there would be no company to be had, Sidney gathered his own things for once – bridle, reins, blanket – and as he tightened the belt on his saddle he could hear the birds outside beginning to sing their morning songs. Sun snuck through the crack between the double doors out to the pastures and as Sidney pushed them open it lit up the stables, washing everything in gold. Holding for a moment, Sidney took some comfort in its warmth, then turned and climbed atop Sampson urging him out and into the sprawling fields.
Air still cool from the last lingering remnants of night, beads of dew flew glittering into the sunlight as man and horse drove a path through the grass toward the river. Fwip, fwip, fwip, fwip, fwip. Sidney welcomed the wind as it whipped past him. For just one moment there was no one to set an expectation for him, no one desperate for him to fix things. The weightlessness of it all made him feel as though he could take to the sky just as easily as the sparrows that kept pace with him as he rode.
The river came into view then, carving its path through the earth, the surface of the water shimmering in the early morning sun. Pulling the reins to a full stop Sidney and Sampson then held quite still, chests heaving as they took quick breaths, heartbeats thrumming in their ears. As they calmed the rush of the river drowned out the sounds of the morning save for the birds and Sidney climbed down from his horse, tying him to the old oak.
Insects began to chitter as he walked the short distance to the riverbank, and he quickly realized the last time he’d come here was with Charlotte. Dear Charlotte. Sinking to the ground his figure disappeared into the long grass as he sat, finally letting his thoughts run free.
Long beautiful umber waves. Bright eyes. Freckles. Wrinkled nose.
The ocean. Sand. Sound of the waves. Tom’s study. Hushed voices. Worry.
Chimney stacks. Carriages. Extravagant balls. Expectation.
He let out a heavy sigh and put his head into his hands. How did the stoic one, the rock in the storm, navigate life on their own? It felt almost wrong to put himself first for once, to put his own desires above the needs of his family’s, and the crushing weight of everything came crashing back down upon his shoulders.
How dare he come here looking for love. For all he knew Tom could be sinking further into debt and Sanditon at the brink of collapse and here he was pursuing god knew what. He hadn’t even told Charlotte his true feelings yet, not really. And in that moment nothing felt more important than his family, marriage be damned.
Lifting his head he watched as the sun made its full debut across the horizon, waking the rest of the sleeping world with its warmth. He knew he couldn’t, that it would be rash, but all he wanted was to go home. To run away from these feelings that were swelling in his chest.
Or maybe, just maybe, it was that he could not bear to be alone any longer.