meninopequenuno (meninopequenuno) wrote in summerview, @ 2019-03-20 21:37:00 |
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Nuno Chavez and Jocelyn Sole
March 15, 2019
Atlantic City & Arlington Va
R for swearing
Narrative-Complete |
He sat there with his finger over the call button. His quick check showed that she had the same number ask before. The one that was once linked to her Facebook, like a fool before Kayda told her how to remove it. She had the same email address. And when he made a Facebook just to see all this for himself, there were three years of this small, brown eyes child with a face so much like his and Bethy staring and smiling at the screen with Jocelyn. He had spent about an hour staring at the first few pictures she had ever posted of the little girl. New Year’s Eve. He had barely been back in Atlantic City from a long-needed trip back to Massachusetts. She was small, so small compared to her mother, but the caption said she was a week late. Healthy, though. And screamed like a banshee. So much like her father, he had thought. He had cried. Not even embarrassed by that fact. The first few sets of pictures. She looked like all babies did. That strange… not really cute because they look like deflated pumpkins appeal. She was not dressed in pink much, but he knew Jocelyn hated the color pink. A lot of yellow or purple though. Some green. Never too much on one side or the other. It was obvious that Jocelyn was the same with their kid as she was about herself—just wear clothes unless she has to be specially dressed. She had always joked that the military made her day easier, as most of it was spent in clothes picked out for her. Not that he’d tell her, but she always looked perfect in those clothes anyway with her hair pulled back into a perfect bun. All her tattoos he held her hand for hidden under those rolled sleeves and long trousers bloused above the boots. He scrolled through, idly wondering if she got more after he left. And who held her hand. Nuno sighed and rubbed his forehead with a grumpy expression. Matt and Holmes promised to give him space for this. That actually meant they were probably still right outside the door, listening in and waiting for a need to bust through like the super heroes they thought they were. That they actually were. Fuck. Where would he be right now without them. Marc had driven up from Arlington. He had apparently spoken with Kayda about this after a week of debating. He had seen Jocelyn at the Pentagon with her daughter when he was dropping food off for Kayda. The little girl was just old enough to make his head turn. And he knew that smile anywhere, as Holmes had been trying to hate it for years now. They did a standard social media stalk. Facebook. Instagram. Twitter. Jocelyn had gotten a lot better about it after Kayda talked to her about a digital footprint. Thankfully, she did not do well enough because they found this timeline matched far too well with the fact that a month or so after Nuno left Japan and fell off the map, she started asking to get in touch with him. She never said why so no one in Recon would tell her. The fear was that it would make Nuno fall further off the edge. He was already struggling at that time. If only he had known then what he knew now. Nuno would have wanted to know this. Especially as it was clear she was not after him for money. The research yielded one major ex. A promotion, and that she was in line for staff soon. One conversation Kayda found was a year before and she still was not looking for someone else at the moment. Facebook said she was single. At least there would be no one to get mad that he reached out. Only Jocelyn to get pissed. And Nuno would never hit her. He’d hit someone else, though. Nuno fought the fact. And argument. A lot of yelling. He had pushed Holmes at some point. Claimed maybe she had been with someone else right after. That maybe she had forgotten after him to wrap up. They had both been admittedly lazy about that part of their relationship, after all. Which was when Marc and Matt asked if it was fair to trash someone he cared for deeply and had never fucked him over. And they were right. Of course, they were. That was why he had taken off. Taken a drive over the speed limit. Why he came back and begrudgingly admitted they were right. And heard out the facts. The time line. And looked at the pictures himself. And that was the painful part. Was this the right thing now? She was fine alone. Maybe better without him. That was why his finger hovered over that call button. He did not want her to think he was coming to the rescue. Nuno figured he would be screened and when the voicemail was listened to, promptly ignored. He wouldn’t blame her either. How could he? The worst thing he did was disappear on her. Of course, he had no idea that this had happened, but he was not exactly about to claim innocence just because of ignorance. That was unfair to her. “Just fucking…” he grumbled and pressed play. One ring. Two rings. Nuno took a long, shaking breath and exhaled. The third ring started. “Sergeant Sole,” a voice clipped in from the other side. He choked on his own air and his hands gripped into a fist so tight his nails were digging in. “Hey,” he breathed out shaky. The line went silent. Long enough that Nuno looked at his phone to see if she hung up. But the seconds ticked away on the screen. “It… ah… its me.” “I know,” she replied immediately. It was not so much a cold statement as it was guarded. She sounded like a sergeant. “It’s been a while.” “Yeah. Yeah it has. East Coast?” “Pentagon,” Jocelyn answered. He could hear her sigh. “But you knew that already.” “Yeah,” Nuno asked but smirked. He was caught. She always caught him. “Needed to access my Facebook for the number,” she told him. Nuno let that hang in the air. “Kayda.” “Yeah.” He sighed heavily and rubbed his face. “I heard.” “Nuno-“ “Wait. Before you hang up, can I just… I’m not going to apologize because the fuck is the fucking point? The fuck is an I’m Sorry going to do here?” “You’re really selling your case here, Chavez.” “Yeah, my bed-side manner was always total cock.” The silence stretched for almost a minute. Nuno figured that was his permission to talk. “When I got out, I was not okay. I was… bad. I ah… I didn’t do much, you know. Right out the gate. Impulse power and all that shit.” “I noticed.” “I went to the VA for help because I thought I was going crazy…” he paused and rolled his eyes. He knew she had a comment and was being polite. “Yeah, yeah. I was sent to a specialist for a better diagnosis.” “PTSD?” “Oddly enough, no. I guess all the fucked-up shit I saw as a kid balanced out in the end.” He heard a hiss of an inhale and he remembered right, Jocelyn always hated hearing about his past with that joking tone. Apparently, it was in bad taste. “Sorry.” “Just not used to you anymore.” That stung. “Bipolar,” he replied in a small voice. “What was that,” she asked. Either she had not heard him or she thought that was at her. “That’s what they said. Bipolar disorder. Anxiety. Depression. Those two are hand in hand with our generation and job field. But yeah, apparently, I hit a real bad… mania and was a risk. So. Matt kind of told everyone to fuck off except for the three amigos.” “He just said unless I had a reason to talk to you, he couldn’t help.” “Yeah, he’s a cunt. Did you give him a reason.” “No.” He heard the smirk in her voice. He felt light for a second. A grin twitched his lips. “Would it have mattered?” “Jocelyn,” he snapped. Then sucked in a breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. Yes, it would have fucking mattered. There’s a difference between ‘Yeah I just want to pick at an old scab until it bleeds’ and ‘yo I have a parasite of yours growing in me.’” “A parasite. Really.” “Hey. Fuckers steal your nutrients, grow, and then when they’re ready to live outside of the host, they exit in a very uncomfortable manner” Nuno replied in as close to a casual tone as he could manage. “You gonna tell me to fuck myself?” “Jury’s still out.” That hint of a smile was back. Nuno’s grew a bit more as well. “Can… what she like? I... fuck her name is bad ass.” “She’s three, there is not a lot of cognitive formation to decide how her future personality will be,” her voice chastised.” “Talk smart at me some more,” Nuno snipped back. “Please tell me Matt and Holmes aren’t there if you’re getting off on that talk,” Jocelyn groaned. Nuno looked over to the door. “Not in the room, no. They’re probably outside like gossipy bitches, if you want me to tell them you say hi,” Nuno offered. A silence hung between them again. “She’s a hellion, Nuno. She’s got way too much energy. She talks nonstop. She’s messy, throws a fit if things don’t match, holds court with her stuffed animals, and informed me my music is for old people.” “Yeah, that’d be my side,” Nuno admitted. He had been a disaster as a child. “She probably has my ADD.” “She’s now in preschool. She colors a lot. Wants a dog.” Nuno flinched at that and was glad she was not there to witness it. He’d have to bring that up at some point. “Her favorite Disney princess is Moana-“ “Oh, fuck yeah. What about Mulan,” Nuno asked immediately. “I haven’t held a poll within the last year, but I’m sure she will score high,” Jocelyn replied dryly. “I mean, Alijah’s a nightmare some days and amazing others. She’s a kid, not a cat.” Well… Nuno knew that could be a possibility as well. “How about you,” Nuno asked, his voice losing all the teasing. “I could ask the same about you,” Jocelyn’s was lined with worry. “I’ll live, you know that. How’ve you been.” There was another long pause and Nuno looked out to the window, where he saw the lighted screen of a cell phone. Gossipy bitches. Nuno walked over to the window and knocked on it, flipped them off and walked back to the kitchenette while she thought. “I am better now,” she finally replied. “I was hurt that you’d vanish on me. I was angry when I had her. There was a few times I wanted to end things when I was pregnant, and I even thought about giving her up an few times.” Nuno tasted bile. “It was rough, specifically in Japan. As a single mother, the Pentagon was a perfect job for me. After getting here it’s been… better. Much better.” “You’re almost up, right? I mean, you are at year eight.” “I want to re-up.” “Fucking moto ass sergeant,” Nuno sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Recruiting? I know you have your B-Billet coming up if you want to go staff.” “I want to go to be a Drill Instructor, actually.” In the silence, he managed to knock over a plastic plate that clattered loudly. “You good?” “I mean. You do realize that’s a shitty situation as a single parent. You sending her to California if you make it? Or is your ma going to move to Beaufort?” Nuno pleaded he was not about to hear some new lover would be helping her raise the kid. As terrible as it was. “I have friends in South Carolina. They’re willing to help.” Nuno sighed and nodded. She couldn’t see it. He knew that, but maybe she remembered he tended to reply silently over the phone as id he could be seen. He swallowed. “And what about you.” “I’m a detective now. Still certified for… everything. But.” He stopped. She got it. She had been there through a few nightmares. “I live with Matt still.” “You two gay yet,” she asked. Nuno actually laughed out loud. He heard her chuckle as well. “Nah,” he replied. “But we are currently in a studio. Waiting to move into a normal apartment.” “Right. A studio that fits two beds?” Nuno snorted. “I’m glad you have him. And Marc.” “Yeah. I uh… I have been seeing someo—a therapist someone. Here and there. I guess it helps. I at least get what’s going on.” “Medication,” she asked quietly. Nuno stayed silent. He did not like the way it felt while he was testing the dosages and combinations. After three ending in higher panics or stronger and angrier swings, he had just stopped medication and went with therapy. But even that was far from regular. “Nuno…” “I know.” He stopped and sighed. He could feel a lump forming in his throat. “Hey… can..” Jocelyn paused and Nuno’s heart stopped. “Never mind.” “No. What’s up?” “Face time?” She paused again. “I need to see your face for this.” He knew what that meant. It was not so much she missed his face or looking at him. Nuno was a professional at masking his voice. He could deadpan anything. Say it all as if he were reading a reward ceremony. It was his face that gave him away. She needed to have eyes on him to really get how he was doing. And that was an issue. He couldn’t hide his reactions from her. More so than normal. And he was not sure how he would feel seeing her. Still… “Yeah. Uh… I think. Let me just… send a…” he moved his phone from his ear and walked to the door. He tucked the phone against his chest as he poked his head out the door and saw the other two. “You two can go. I’ll call when we’re done.” His eyes locked on both of theirs with a grave honesty to them. He was terrified. But he also knew he needed to do this alone. Still, he heard a muffled call, ”Not that kind of video call, guys,” from Jocelyn and snorted. It took a moment. A lot of deep breaths like his therapist taught him. Really, he thought it was stupid before. Now? Oh, now, he could kiss his fucking therapist for insisting on these damn breathing exercises. Fucking bitch was a goddamn genius. And then he told her he was okay. The phone switched from the boring, black background and white numbers to a pixelated face. It was indiscernible at first, like an old crime show that “masked” the interviewee’s face. When it cleared, he swallowed thickly and tried a smile. Jocelyn looked almost the same as she had before. She had longer hair now and her face was not as tan as it had been. It seemed the winter had gotten to her as well. And she seemed tired for obvious reasons. She never got the circles under her eyes, but they would always seem puffier. Almost swollen rather than bruised. He offered an awkward grin that managed to pull enough for a dimple to crease. She returned it with a small one of her own. Her eyes were studying him with the same curiosity. The only differences between then and now were not visible on the video call. He was still youthful, maybe a bit older. He had always kept his hair a little longer than regulation. Even out of uniform, he always wore a bland and long shirt like he had on now. Still… “You’re not sleeping.” Well, already up his ass. “I’m a cop, Jocelyn. I don’t have a normal schedule.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “You look good.” “Thank-you.” There was a long pause after that. One that Nuno felt in his bones. She had something to say. He could see it in all her old tells, no matter how her baring had improved. Her eyes were piercing, almost like his got, and her jaw clenched just enough for the muscled to show. She swallowed a few too many times, almost like she was choking down versions of what she wanted to say before they reached her tongue. With every passing second in silence, he could feel his heart speeding up and the old prickle of anger mixing with anxiety. His hand clenched again out of view to keep his words to himself. But there was a lot in his eyes. Fear. Annoyance. Indecisiveness. Pain. Joy. Anxiety. Adoration. Dread. It was all flickering as fast as the shower scene in Psycho as he watched her image on his phone. She must have noticed his mood shifting, because she broke eye contact. No, that was not the reason. He heard a wet clearing of her throat. Everything bottomed out at once and the sick sensation of missing a step of two hit. He knew that sound too well. “Joce, what…” He started but she cut him off. “Why did you call, Nuno?” Her voice was hollow. Almost as if she had a few options he would say ready. Like that moment watching him was building a series of possible replies. He did that himself, after all. Most people had a set list of possibilities to work through. “I don’t know,” Nuno answered honestly. They stayed silent for another few, long moments. “I needed to know…” “If she was yours?” Nuno gave a shrug as an answer, though it lacked all his usual lose casualty. “I wasn’t with anyone else until after she was born. And…” “Yeah,” Nuno knew what that ‘And’ was. They spent almost all of their last three months together. She stayed n his room at the Naval Staff NCO apartments. She was only not there when either of them had duty, they were at work, or she had field day every Thursday. Considering the time line, even if she had cheated on him while he was out for training, the birth would not have matched. And he strongly doubted she’d cheat. “I don’t know what you want from me, Nuno. You’re doing your thinking thing again.” He winced, but she looked at him unwaveringly. With those brown eyes pooling with tears. That he put there. Why did he call? “I wish… I had a good answer, Jocelyn. I just…” Had to ask? Had to hear her voice? Wanted to know where he could fit in? If he could fit in? Did he even have a chance to at least meet her once? Did he even deserve that now? Three years later? “I missed you,” Jocelyn’s voice cut through. She pitched it in the same way she always did when he started falling down into his thinking spiral. “I figured it would be better to just stop trying to find you when Recon refused to help.” Nuno looked down and rubbed his spare hand down his face. He noticed his nailed had broken the skin. He’d clean those cuts out later. His throat was constricted and eyes burning. He shouldn’t have called. His head was no longer dwelling on her and being pushed away. He was feeling all the reasons she should. All the issues he could have sent to this child that did not ask for them. She clearly had his ADD. What else did she get? Was she a shifter? Would she become bipolar? Prone to addiction and bad choices? Would she get his inability to shut up and get into too many fights? If he was there, even barely, would he just make all those issues worse? “Nuno,” her voice was sharp. It was an order this time. One that caused his head to snap up immediately on instinct. Her tears had fallen, and he could feel his own start to drop. “I know you have something you want to ask. You’re avoiding my eyes.” He had not even noticed that. He had been looking at her cheekbones. He had been scared to look at her in the eyes. She would see his internal conflict. Get a hint of what was going on upstairs and dig in. Jocelyn would know. And Nuno was terrified to open that door just to have it closed in his face again. But now that she was looking into his eyes, her stare gave no room for an argument. He swallowed once. Twice. And looked down at his hand. Droplets of blood were pooling where he had gripped. He fingers extended and retracted a few times before he looked up at her. She was still waiting. Still steady and stern. “Could I meet her,” he asked finally. His voice was fucked from the tears he was trying to keep in. Against his will, Nuno kept his eyes on her and watched with panic bubbling as she thought about it. The moment stretched. “I could drive down there and stay with Kayda and Marc. I should see Alex and Felicity anyway.” He was now spit balling and expecting to be shot down. Silence fell between them again and he felt that pit of hell growing again. The rug ready to be pulled out once more. Nuno swallowed and fought against the burning panic to keep his eyes on her. His body was beginning to tremble a bit in the growing dread. “Yeah,” she finally replied. Nuno felt like he had an ice bath poured on him. The built-in adrenaline of the moment dumped out of his system, and he became to shake and shiver. He started his breathing exercises again and he watched as the look of uncertainty on Jocelyn’s face turn to shock and worry. It was then that the man registered he was not so much crying as his eyes were leaking without hope of stopping. “Nuno?” He covered his eyes with his hand and took a few deep, shaking breaths. She waited on the other side as Nuno tried to get his body under control. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. His breathing was finally deep enough that his shoulders raised, and he could feel that satisfying feeling of his chest expanding. He looked up at the screen and Jocelyn was still there. Watching him gently and waited for some kind of cue. Well, if she wondered what he had meant by he was not okay before… He gave a hollow mental laugh at that. “Are you good,” she asked after another beat. Thankfully, Jocelyn did not put on a kiddy-glove voice with him. “No,” he replied honestly. “But I will be. When are you free?” “I work Monday through Friday, you know that. What does your schedule look like,” she replied. Her eyes showed she was still expecting another breakdown. “I have some favors I could call in,” Nuno replied in a shaky voice as he processed how real this was. He’d fucking drive down tonight if he could. He’d break the speed limit the whole way, fist fuck anyone who gave him a ticket, and be there. “How about in two weeks,” she offered. “Next week I have a play date, don’t even go there asshole, with some of the families here next weekend. But I can come up with an excuse for the week after.” “Yeah. Yeah. No, that’s. Yes. I uh…” Nuno swallowed and felt the panic starting back up. “I’ll text you my address when we hang up,” Jocelyn offered. Her eyes narrowed. “Where did the guys go?” Nuno offered a loose shrug in reply and looked over his shoulder. When he looked back, Jocelyn was rolling her lip in her teeth. He noted she never got braces, which made him happy. He liked her teeth. “Text them. I’ll stay on the phone with you until they’re back.” “You don’t have to, Joce. I know I already fucked up your weekend by doing this.” “I don’t want you alone right now,” she replied. Again, that voice was an order. One that made his mouth snap shut. And his eyes drifted to the closet door where his firearms were. Maybe she had a fucking point. “Yeah. Okay.” And he texted them. “What… do you want to talk about?” And then she laughed at him. Rich, deep, with her head tossed back. He looked at her, confused, like she was a fascinating bug. He remembered that was a look he often gave her at the beginning when she would do something or react in a way he never expected. “You sound like we’re on a house line and you know mom is listening,” she told him. Okay. She had a point, that was a lame question. “Can you send me a new picture for your contact.” That question made a smirk try to form. But he arched an eyebrow. “You really want this ugly mug on your phone again.” “I have plenty of your fucking face on this phone, I want a new one,” Jocelyn snapped. And that hit him. Hard. He choked audibly and just nodded. He’d fucking send her eighty after that comment. Fuck. He was not going to ask what exactly she still had. “How long will you be in the area,” Jocelyn asked off-handedly. He looked up from his keyboard and noticed both a notification from Kayda and that Jocelyn was looking at the bottom of her phone. So, she was also using her keyboard. “Probably drive down Friday night and back up Sunday,” he answered slowly. Wondering if she forgot exactly what a weekend was. That was shot down when, while not even looking up, Jocelyn flipped him off. Nuno squawked in reply. “The Cherry Blossom festival is still going on. Figured it would be a nice thing to do together after you meet her at home,” she offered looking up. His phone showed she had sent him an image. He hoped it was one of them both. “You want me to fucking traipse around with a bunch of hippie flower fucks and marvel at the beauty that is nature jizzing on me when the wind blows too strong?” “Yes,” she replied blandly. As always, ignoring the descriptors. “Only if she gets to wear a Red Sox hat,” Nuno offered. “Don’t press your luck,” Jocelyn replied. There was a smirk there. Her eyes looked at him and back down as his message went through. “Nuno. What the fuck is this picture.” The answer was one of him dressed up while playing Pretty, Pretty Princess with his niece and nephew. Complete with hot pink, glittery lip gloss and terrible eye shadow. Nuno just grinned at her, his dimples both creasing his cheeks fully and eyes warming up. “I am a pretty princess, Jocelyn.” “You’re something,” she replied dryly. Her smirk gave him hope maybe things could be okay. |