¢ℓαякє gяιffιи (borninspace) wrote in storybrooketown, |
Clarke didn't believe there was any redemption for her. How could there be? They hadn't had another option, there was no denying that. But it didn't make what she'd done right. What they'd done. Bellamy had been there too. Still, it wasn't fair to make him carry the guilt over it all. Only one of them should have to do it. And the truth was, Clarke was going to do it whether or not Bellamy had put his hand on hers. She was to blame. Maybe he'd done it so she wouldn't have to feel alone. She didn't know. But it had been hard to be in Storybrooke. She was essentially avoiding everyone, but she knew that couldn't continue.
She wondered how Lexa felt now. She wasn't one to let her emotions get in the way. But she had done what she needed to in order to save her people. Was what Clarke had done that different? Of course, if Lexa hadn't betrayed them then maybe they would have had more of a chance. But they couldn't deal in ifs. They didn't matter. What was done was done. Jasper would never forgive her. But Clarke knew they never would have stopped. Their need to reclaim the ground was too great. They hadn't had a choice, but that wasn't much of a comfort.
There was a lot of blood on her hands. She wished over and over again that there could have been another way. But there was no other way. She'd made the only decision she could, to save her people. To save her mother. Abby had been on that table, and Clarke knew why. She wished Cage could have just let them all go, it could have been so much easier. She wouldn't have had to carry this. Bellamy wouldn't have to carry this.
She was afraid to see him, she didn't think she should have been allowed to. She didn't deserve even a measure of happiness after what happened back home. Bellamy made her smile. He made her happy. She didn't know the exact word for what was happening between them in Storybrooke, but it was nice. Did she deserve to have him? To have that comfort? All she could see was Finn's face, as she ended his life. And the lives of all the mountain men she'd been forced to kill.
She hadn't slept much. Bellamy would notice right away. The dark circles under her eyes, made her look far beyond her eighteen years. The sluggish way she moved indicated that she was completely exhausted but sleep was a luxury she wouldn't afford herself. She knew she couldn't avoid home forever. She couldn't avoid him forever. So she'd taken a few days to attempt to sort things out in her mind, and then she'd returned. She didn't feel right just walking in. She didn't have that right. So she knocked. Clarke knocked, and stepped back, prepared for what might happen should Octavia be the one to open the door.