Ozzy, notice anything different?

[Eli's fangs are out, it sparkles in the light with a sound effect that happens when cartoons show something shiny. He's in a mansion in a giant pool on a floatie, there's a cocktail in his hand.]
Did you miss me?

My friends all decided to settle down and get married, have kids... but I'm a vampire and I missed my bags. I compelled all of my old roommates to come back for one final hoorah, and this time, I got their spouses too.

[Camera pans to the front of the house where Dime carries Robin in. Midge comes out of a car, followed by Lola, followed by Ricky. The whole montage makes everyone look very hot and glamorous. Skye and Mason fall out of their car, making out. Kitty tosses her handbag at Ike on her way inside and scouts the area for Nicky who emerges from a car with Q. She starts kissing Ike when she spots him. Lorraine comes in with Jermaine and picks a room, Oz lurks in the doorway. Alfie comes in with one kid on each arm and Gwen leads the way to claim a room with a violin case in hand. Dean's unloading the trunk of his 67 Chevy Impala while Merc sips her smoothie. Seph heads inside with Jim's arm around her shoulder. Johnny and Winnie are laughing as they tumble into the bushes. Axel steps out of his car looking like a model.]

Hello. Some of you already know me because I work with you at the hospital. Admittedly, I've been more involved in research than actual practice as of late, but with the growing number of troubled youths in town, I've decided to open my own therapy practice. It will be open to anyone, but with an emphasis on teens. We seem to have so many with so many struggles.

My name is Dr. Melanie Scroggins.

Okay so, here's the official list ranked from best to absolute worst. Honestly everything under Midge on both lists is just sad. But, pun intended, here we go. The official Mason certified booty list is as follows.
( Read more... )

Someone call a tailor because I think Stepfurt needs a Button.

[Stripper crew past and present]
Drinks at our place. [Address]

[She's not in a bad mood. She sees Natalie walk in wearing her jammies and get a soda from the fridge before going home. She fucking hates her. Gwen texts to ask if they could come over for dinner and Lorraine switches off her phone. She has a lot to be stressed about, Evan and Phase are in the hospital, Oz's friend is always here, she's fucking swollen and can't fucking sleep and Kitty wrote her telling her that she saw Stark with "some tall bitch" AKA Pepper because every fucking version of every guy she ever liked has a fucking tall soulmate and Oz's is drinking her fucking soda.

She's not mad about it. She sees Oz walk in and suddenly everything's okay. She's happy, not stressed. Never stressed when Oz is here. He grabs some food off the serving plate and she snaps at him]
Can you not ruin my dinner? Maybe? Like seriously. [She didn't even care about the fact that he took some food, he always does, but now she has to run with it. She runs her hands through her hair and takes off the oven glove] No, you know what, you got it. You finish. I'm done.

I'm thinking of starting a youth outreach program. Volunteer mentors can look out and be a shoulder for kids in a totally confidential space with people they know won't judge them. Who wants in?

Submissions are anonymous unless you decide to sign your name buuut here we go. The perfect quiz to let you know which Avenger is your soulmate!

1. What is your sexual preference?
A) Men
B) Women
C) Either
D) Neither

2. Pick a color
A) Red
B) Blue
C) Yellow
D) Purple

3. Pick an animal
A) Cat
B) Dog
C) Bird
D) Fish

4. Pick a honeymoon location
A) Beach
B) City
C) Mountains
D) Countryside

5. Pick a dinner
A) Steak
B) Fish
C) Pasta
D) Tacos

6. Pick a sport
A) Football
B) Soccer
C) Baseball
D) Lacrosse

7. Pick an activity
A) Reading
B) Watching a movie
C) Partying with friends
D) Cooking

8. Pick a personality trait
A) Kindness
B) Loyalty
C) Sense of humor
D) Honesty

9. Pick a dessert
A) Cookie
B) Brownie
C) Cake
D) Lollipop

10. Pick a drink
A) Wine
B) Soda
C) Beer
D) Water

[Oz went for a walk and came back with a tall curvy woman he's known his whole life. They're tipsy and she can tell right away that this woman likes him. But... Oz never has friends, he hates most people, and Lorraine can feel herself projecting her insecurities on this situation. She needs to work on this.

The two stayed up all night watching romcoms and reminiscing on the couch. She waited for Oz to come to bed but he didn't. When she walked down to the living room the next morning she saw Oz and Natalie asleep on the couch with An Affair to Remember's end credits rolling. She knows nothing happened, she knows it... but she can't help but feel insecure. She leaves them and makes breakfast for the family.

When everyone's gone she sits at the kitchen island with Natalie and Oz, sipping her herbal tea]
Hey how are you feeling today? You look better. [She asks, slipping her hand in Oz's. Her eyes shift to their watches... when did they get matching watches?]

[Natalie's walking down the street alone at night. She's new in town, but this place is objectively better than Stepford. She's pretty happy she got sent here, but there is one person she wishes was here... then she spots him. She'd spot him out anywhere. She can tell by his gait that he's stressed out. She's not sure what number he's on or even if he started yet. Did he show up here straight from prison? She comes up from behind and loops her arm with his]
You can hop as many dimensions as you want, Oz, you still owe me that drink. [She says referencing the drinks they said they'd get when they turned 21.]

Open Spam
[It's been rough for him these past few days after that video aired, and he has no outlet for his anger. Or does he? He raides Jam's room for cigarettes so he can yell at him later. Jackpot]


Adults
Okay. Which asshole is giving my kid cigarettes?

PTA Meeting at my house. No under 21s allowed.

[It's a mixer. Come bring your adults to break some ice.]