Please help. I've been kidnapped by Captain America and illegally detained in Avengers Towers.

Hi.

Captain America, will you please allow my friend Judy to live with you until I find a career and am able to marry her? She's a delicate woman who needs protection.

Captain Rogers and the Avengers, it has come to our attention that our sister Beth has been defiled by a member of your team. She's just a young girl and immediately when she arrived, Cole Porter accosted her and married her. She's a minor and knows nothing of your world, I beg you to please take the appropriate measures to rectify this situation and save my sister.

All here

Hello, my name is Jeremiah. If you know who this tablet belongs to, please contact me. I don't see a serial number on it, but I found it on the corner of First and Amistad. Thank you very much for your time.

Oh...Jiminy Christmas...

ETA:
Can I come over to sleep?