Re: Sam
We're closer now. There are no barriers anymore, physically or mentally. The only time we have to be apart is right now during therapy and even that's because I need to get better for him. I know the Phoenix is coursing through my blood and waiting for any chance to destroy everything and everyone and I can't let her hurt him. If I give her control... [She lets him in on her vision. There's an implosion. Everyone and everything catches fire or is torn apart. There's chaos while everything burns, then when there's nothing, life restarts. It's a barren but fruitful world, Annie and Evan grow up from the ground. They take her hands, one on each side.]
She doesn't get that I don't want to make them. It wouldn't be them. It'd be my version. Even if he was exactly the same. Even if she was. Even if they said all the right things, smelled the same way-- felt the same way. [She goes quiet. Then looks back at him] She wants me to give her this universe and everything in it. I can feel it, the power in every life and I know it's a fire I can create or extinguish. But they weren't created they just happened. These ones you see right now, they're what I knew of them, put together from memories and how I saw them but I don't want Evan how I see him, I want him how he is and the sooner this dumb bird gets that the sooner I'll be able to fucking sleep without worrying about waking up to see him 6 feet in the air.
She wants control. Over everything. Every life, every death, she wants to decide when and how it happens. If it was up to her, these manifestations of them would live happy and healthy forever. They'd never get hurt, the world would be built to protect them how I want to. [Annie looks over at her with teary eyes and Evan grips her hand tighter then they disappear. They're back in the room]
She's obsessed with the new start and I want nothing to do with it. No version of Evan is better than him. No manifestation of any version of him could be. He's the only version that could ever matter. Annie too. The only version I could ever love died. I could make her right here right now. I could make her exactly how I remember, but what would the point be if she's not really her. I never asked to be a god and I don't know why half of my brain keeps trying to make me into one.