Star Nomad Cast (starnomadnpc) wrote in starnomad, @ 2015-03-15 19:53:00 |
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Entry tags: | character: jacen solo, character: rikki barnes, date: [61.01], location: yavin iv |
Who: Rikki Barnes & Jacen Solo
When: 61.01
Where: Rikki's Guest Quarters at the Jedi Temple on Yavin IV.
What: Hopefully Friends.
Rating: Low
Status: COMPLETE.
Jacen Solo stared out the window of his room at the temple and realized that twenty-four hours on land had meant that it really was time. He didn't know what he was doing now. After Centerpoint, after Drall, after everything that had happened - he didn't know exactly what to do with his life. But he knew something - he knew that he'd been avoiding Rikki, and that he'd put her in a position that was unfair, and that he felt terrible about having done so. He had misread her so completely, or maybe he'd just been avoiding the obvious signs that she wasn't available. About the only thing he was certain on, after days of having spent most of the time to himself, meditating, and just trying to reorder his thoughts, was that he had to be able to work with her again. She was his Aunt's niece. Beyond that, however, was the fact that Jacen had found a friend in Rikki Barnes. She was one of the few people he knew who he had been able to confide in and while he wasn't certain he could trust himself completely to make a good judgement call - he was reasonably certain that the rejection hadn't been about him. She had been engaged, someone that she obviously had cared for deeply, and he was dead - lost to the Yuuzhan Vong like so many in this galaxy had been. He closed his eyes and breathed in. This had to be done - sooner rather than later. If there was any hope of salvaging that friendship... and if there wasn't then he would live with his mistake, and simply regret it bitterly. He turned out of his room and walked to Rikki's guest quarters, breathing in and keeping his body calm. An apology was necessary, and perhaps some explanation... if it were not too awkward to do so, but regardless - he couldn't leave things how they had been left. To do so - was to fracture completely any hope of the friendship that he'd grown to appreciate. And he may have already fractured it, but perhaps it could be repaired. If she knew he wasn't - he didn't need that piece. Reaching the outside of her door he took a deep breath and knocked. The arrival back at the temple had allowed the first moment of truly being alone since they had left for Centerpoint. There was that first flurry of activity, reporting in and giving the full detail of their mission, but after that Rikki was left without any real guidance and the ability to simply be alone in her thoughts. At the moment her thoughts were not ones that she particularly wanted to be alone with though. So instead she had found her way to training simulations, wearing her body and mind down in hopes that it would stop the flurry of activity that was both relevant and not. Talking with Anakin had left her with new pieces of information to ponder over the Yuuzhan Vong as well as the creeping inevitability of the events coming. And all of this was in addition to the torment of loneliness caused by one Jacen Solo. Eventually though she couldn't run forever. So Rikki found herself in the guest room that has been assigned to her attempting to meditate. It has gotten easier as she was older and even though there was no connection to the force like the Jedi enjoyed it usually helped with clearing her mind and focusing. But today her mind didn't want to focus, it wanted to fray and drag her down the spiral of just what she had done wrong and doubt in her decisions. The knock on the door was welcome frankly. Sighing she opened her eyes and got up from sitting on her bed. "It's open." Even after hearing her voice Jacen hesitated a moment. Despite certain knowledge that he needed to talk to her, that they needed to clear the air between them after what had happened - what he had done - on Drall he really didn't know what to say, only that he needed to try to apologise for having acted so impulsively. He breathed in, working on pulling his emotions close, and opened the door . It slid open in front of him and he stepped into the room, and he tried for a neutral look on his face, but it settled into an uneasy smile as he saw her. "I was hoping you'd have a minute and we could talk," he said simply, the words coming out more formally than he'd intended simply by virtue of trying so desperately to keep himself from doing something foolish again. There were moments like this where Rikki really did envy force sensitives ability to reach out and just know who was on the other side of the door. Not that it would have changed her answer, Rikki was not about to send Jacen away, but it would have given her that moment to prepare instead of the sudden ball of stress that tangled up when she saw him. But there was an awkward, soft smile on his face instead of the stone expression she had gotten used to in the moments they interacted together on the mission. It was something, though what Rikki couldn't be sure. So instead she nodded, crossing her arms awkwardly over her chest as she did. "Yeah I've got a minute" Jacen stepped a little further into the room so the door could close behind him, wishing that he could turn around and run away. But he wasn't going to do that. He couldn't afford to do that, so instead he simply planted his feet in a simple Jedi stance, something that he had done a hundred meditations in, and looked over, his expression faltering a little. She probably hated him now. She didn't really look as if she were glad to see him, but then why should she be. Jacen, stop, he firmly pulled the circles, the doubts, the everything under control. "Uh, I just wanted to um, to apologize for my actions the other night," he faltered. He'd more or less said that the night, and this needed to be more than that. "They were impulsive, and I- If I - you have a been a friend, Rikki. I just... hope that we still can be." But even as he said it, he realized that he was having a difficult time relaxing. He had trusted her, at least a bit. Her status as an outsider, not someone inside the Jedi, or really deeply in his own family - even after he had learned she was related to Aunt Mara - had made her someone that was relatively safe. He had felt connected to her, and he had tried to make that connection something it wasn't. It was a connection he had wanted in the moment, but he would have never wanted it at the expense of destroying the friendship - he just hadn't realized until too late what it was he was doing. Even if she forgave him, he was afraid the simplicity and ease he had felt around her would never return. "If not. I - I understand." There was a long silent moment where Rikki could almost hear the ticking of an imagine clock. This entire situation was one that she hadn't exactly been anticipating to happen. And the last time something like it had, well, John had died after being brainwashed by the cult he had joined up with. That fear when Jacen was already on the edge of darkness, it was a responsibility she didn't want. She didn't want to be the girl who made peoples lives worse, even if sometimes it felt like that was all she did. "I'm not angry." She said finally, letting go of a long held breath she hadn't fully realized was there. At least Jacen had come to talk to her and didn't seem to be angry or bitter at her. Shifting awkwardly, she looked up at him. His stance was sure, controlled, likely to give him some manner of stability here. In contrast her own was swaying, unsure, tentative. Rikki just felt like such a fool, like the world had shifted under her and how could she not have noticed? "I don't have anyone here." She admitted, reaching up and brushing a hair behind her ear to distract herself. "Not to say, I mean Aunt Mara and Master Skywalker have been more than generous. Your whole family has. I just thought...." Her voice trailed off for a moment and she looked into jacens eyes. "I missed having a friend and I thought that's what we were." "We were - we are, I hope." Jacen spoke quickly, perhaps a little too quickly and he stopped, looked down for a minute and tried to gather whatever it was he wanted to say. He mostly wished he could take back his actions. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to kiss her. He had. He was lonely sometimes, and she was pretty, and there was a part of him that still wished she'd reciprocated. He had no idea what they would have done then. It would have certainly changed their relationship and perhaps they would have still ended up here, but after having been closer, more intimate, and less likely to be able to salvage the connection that had led him to kiss her in the first place. "I didn't realize - you had lost someone. And I should have-" He stopped. He couldn't have known. He still didn't think there was anything that she had said that should have clued him into that, but almost everyone had lost someone these days. It wasn't a surprise. He looked over at her, pride warring with wanting to simply try to explain what he'd wanted. Honesty had been possible with her a few weeks ago. Now it felt like the most difficult thing he could try to do. One evening ought not to have changed it so desperately. "I just wish I had not put you in that situation, or... us. I guess. I don't suppose it's too late to claim the flowers had an intoxicating effect?" he raised his eyes to meet hers and offered a weak smile. "I'd like to be." Her voice was a little hopeful as she watched him. What he had wanted, that was something she couldn't give anyone right now. Even Anakin, who she still cared about desperately, it wouldn't be fair. She was better off alone, where she couldn't hurt anyone. But somehow she had managed to hurt Jacen despite her best intentions. Her silence on her past was in the best interest of everyone. There was only so much she could say without falling into territory where there was no reasonable answer. Luke and Mara believing her had been a blessing in itself but she couldn't reasonably expect Jacen to understand. And yet with some of it he had, it was why she had started to treasure their friendship without realizing. "I don't talk about him." Rikki offered softly. "You couldn't have known... I told Aunt Mara and Master Skywalker. I don't talk about any of them. It's just... It's easier not to." Jacen nodded slightly. He did get that. He so rarely talked about Chewbacca. None of them did much. Anakin least of all, and Chewie's death had pulled the family apart. He had been family, not a romantic love, but the idea that it was simply easier to move on and to not dwell on the past that you missed, he understood. "You don't owe me an explanation," he said. "It was impulsive. It's not that I-" his cheeks heated slightly. "You're very pretty, and I did want to kiss you. But you've understood me and that's enough." "I-" Rikkis voice caught and she felt the heat rising up in her cheeks at that. Granted it should have been obvious. Jacen wouldn't have kissed her if he didn't think she was pretty. But she definitely wasn't used to him being so blunt. And she definitely didn't think of herself as pretty. "Friends." She finally managed to say even if she couldn't quite get the blushing under control. And apparently with that went any ability to be articulate. "Friends is good." "Good." Jacen said, because he really didn't know what else to say. He hadn't entirely meant to tell her she was pretty but he didn't know how else to explain what he'd done. It was easier to say that she was pretty - and she was - and to explain it that way than to explain that really it had been the connection he'd felt that had pulled him towards her. The understanding had been like water when he was desperately thirsty, and the stiltedness of this conversation made him feel its loss more keenly. But there was nothing for that. Friends or no, things had changed and it was impossible to not feel it. "I - good. Are you, uh, headed back to Coruscant with Uncle Luke?" Maybe some time and some separation would help. Even though he would be back at Coruscant himself within a week, probably. Maybe he needed a change - some place he could help without being a part of the missions the Jedi kept trying to complete - something that was just him and people who needed help. Not unlike what he'd done with Rikki and Anakin in the undercity... but not with Rikki either. He wasn't ready for that. Maybe he could go somewhere with his mom... if he could find her. "Good." Rikki echoed for no real reason other than filling in the space around them. This was painful, a reminder of just how easy it had started to become with Jacen. And now all of that was gone, replaced with a stilted awkwardness that she wasn't sure how to fix. Even with him standing right here Rikki felt painfully alone in this moment. Who was there even to talk to about this? Anya wouldn't have known what to do but at least she would have been a shoulder to lean on. Instead Rikki just shifted her weight to try and refocus herself. "I'll go where they ask me to." She offered with a shrug. "I wouldn't mind returning to coruscant. I've some contacts to check in on, and there's always something to do in the undercity to help. I don't know if Aunt Mara had anything else planned." "Well, if you are, I'll probably see you. I'm headed there myself towards the end of this week," he offered, trying something akin to the openness they'd had. It was about something light, and he didn't add that he didn't plan to stay there if he could figure something else out. But he wasn't comfortable here at the temple, and he didn't want to be sent out on a mission. And so it was less open than what they'd reached before, but it was something. He pressed his hands together, a Jedi stance, and he nodded. "I should... go. But I didn't know where you would be next and I wanted to talk to you before it had been too long." He clamped down on any discomfort and instead tried to offer a smile. She had said he should smile sometimes. "I'll see you in Coruscant, perhaps. If not, I suppose... sometime." "It's going to be weird." Rikki have him an awkward smile of her own. "I'm kind of used to you being nearby now." After being on her own so long she had to admit that the Solo brothers had filled a hole she knew she was missing. Part of it was by design, her mission was to protect Anakin and by extension Jacen as well. But they were never just a mission. And she knew that she wouldn't see Jacen for some time. And if she left soon this may very well be the last time until their paths crossed again. Rikki knew that she could keep her distance, that this hurt both of them and she didn't know how to fix it. Jacen was her friend though, a friend she was now having to say goodbye to for a time. So instead of keeping her distance Rikki moved. Jacen was foolish, stubborn, and painfully kind even if he had trouble accepting others. She ignored the hands as a barrier in front of him and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tight. This was likely the worst thing she could so but Rikki cared despite the awkwardness and she hated goodbyes no matter how used to them she got. "Just... Don't do something too stupid when I'm not around to back you up, okay?" Rikki Barnes was possibly the most startling person that Jacen Solo knew. He could think of no one else in his life that would have simply stepped up to him and hugged him, and there was a warmth in his cheeks as she did so, but the hot embarrassment faded into something less acute. She maybe didn't hate him and she maybe didn't just want him to leave. And maybe there was hope for something... enough. The tension that occurred almost instinctively lessened as that tiny bit of hope sunk in. His arms were awkward enough that he couldn't really hug her back, but he didn't really pull away either. "I'll try not to," he managed, and the small smile that had pulled to his lips was the most natural one he'd had since that night on Drall when he had messed thins up, but maybe not as badly as he had feared. "You either. And if Anakin's around, you make sure he doesn't either, all right?" And there was a seriousness to Jacen's tone as he mentioned his younger brother. Anakin's impulsiveness and desire to fix all that was wrong in the world might not be all bad, but Jacen knew there was danger there and if he left - which he still very much intended to do - there would be no one to keep an eye on Anakin. Not that Anakin much appreciated Jacen's keeping an eye on him, but he might listen to Rikki. Rikki pulled back, letting her arms fall to her sides as she did. It wasn't much but Jacen at least looked a little more at ease. And on top of that Rikki felt a little better, knowing that he hadn't just pulled away, that he hadn't run away from her. She had lost so many people and only just started finding them again. Going back to being alone wasn't an option. "Watching after Solo boys is like half of my job description here." Rikki teased him gently but her smile went a little somber as she nodded. "Don't worry though. Anakin can't stop me from keeping an eye on him." "I feel so much better now," his lips pressed together in a wry grin, but perhaps some of the awkwardness had passed. And he felt better knowing someone a little older would be keeping an eye on Anakin. Jaina couldn't with Rogue Squadron, and he was more and more feeling that he should be elsewhere as well. Rikki had proven herself able to keep up with both of them, and there was whatever had happened at Centerpoint with their cousin. "I will go," he said, the words feeling more formal than he really meant them, but he hesitated. It could be really awkward, or it might make everything better. If she could hug him, then he decided he could risk the potential awkward. It wasn't as if they'd have that many more chances for potentially awkward. "I've not eaten yet today, have you? Do you want to go see what they've got in the caf?" "You should. I'll have you know I've a pretty awesome track record with keeping Solo boys out of trouble. I heard Jacen would give me an excellent reference." Rikki teased gently, returning the smile in kind. It wasn't perfect and it wouldn't be for a while, but she felt less like she had completely lost him to something she couldn't control. But before she could answer her stomach reminded her that she had been avoiding eating. Granted she had at least something small stashed in her room out of habit but that wouldn't hold her for long. "I could eat." "An excellent reference," he stepped back and gave her a teasing look. "I don't know if I'd go with excellent. Acceptable," he wrinkled up his nose as if considering the idea. "Yeah, maybe acceptable..." He reached out and opened the door to her room so she could exit. "It would probably get you the job at least." He stepped out and to the side, waiting for her to follow. Food would be good. Teasing felt normal. There were far worse ways to end a mission. |