jacen solo (jacen) wrote in starnomad, @ 2016-06-14 19:28:00 |
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Entry tags: | character: derek solo, character: han solo, character: jacen solo, date: [63.04], location: mon calamari (dac) |
Who: Jacen, Han, & Derek.
When: 63.04
Where: New Coral City, Dac (Mon Calamari)
What: Han comes to see his son.
Rating: Low
Status: COMPLETE.
Lyric had reluctantly taken off to the refugee camps earlier that morning leaving Jacen and Derek alone in the apartment. Jacen was slowly becoming better acquainted with and used to it. It wasn't big and Jacen suspected if he asked about it they could get one with two bedrooms so that Elix could have her own space now that it Jacen was here too although he suspected that this might be more for his comfort than for hers. She seemed unphased as she had when she'd walked in on him and Lyric naked in the Undercity. Right now though, even this space was more than Jacen was used to and the idea of changing it up seemed more trouble than he had energy for. So instead he was devoting himself to learning Derek and his rhythms and schedules. He'd taken him into the sanisteam earlier in the morning and Derek had cooed and added 'wawa' to his list of words (at least Jacen was pretty certain the sound had been purposeful) and Jacen wasn't certain either of them had gotten super clean while they'd been navigating it together but it had been almost worth it for the actual delight of dumping Derek on the bed in a towel twice as big as he needed and seeing his curls damp around his forehead. "Are you going to have curly hair like your Daddy?" Jacen mused at him as he went I search of clean clothes for the baby. "Because if so, I have to say that I approve." He finally found a box and started running through it and eventually a pair of trousers in a loose fabric and a tunic that honestly made Derek look a little like a Tiny Jedi was pulled into the damp body and Jacen found a pair of pants for himself and was reminded that he ought to go shopping for clothes. The visitor alarm sounded and he looked towards the main room. He hadn't been expecting visitors but when he reached out in the Force the identity behind the door made sense. He looked at Derek for a second, feeling suddenly uncertain of everything again and went for one of Lyric's shirts since at least it would be clean even if it was a bit tall for him. "Come on kid," he murmured as he scooped up Derek against the soft linen and headed to open the front door. "Let's go see grandpa." While it had felt like Han had lost both his sons these past few months, at least with Anakin there had been the hope that he was alive somewhere getting up to trouble. Jacen had been a different story. By all accounts Jacen had died and even with Leia's faith that somewhere their son was alive Han had spent most of the past year waking with a wound in his heart that he never thought would heal. He hadn't been able to properly greet Jacen when he'd stepped off that ship from wherever the Yuuzhan Vong had kept him. Maybe it was for the best, Han still wasn't entirely sure what to do or how he could possibly make any of this right. But his little boy was back from the dead and Han felt a little less like his heart was rotting in his own chest from loss. Leia had prodded at him to make his way to this address, his hand hovering over the alarm before he finally gave into instinct with a deep breath. Jacen would answer and that would be that. If it was lyric, well, leia assured him that lyric would let him inside. She visited infrequently but often enough to know. As the door slid open Han couldn't help but be overwhelmed with the face of the man in front of him. Despite the slopes that had grown tighter, losing their childlike roundness, all Han could see was just how much like his mother Jacen looked. His leia there in his Jacen, with that same heart that seemed to overcome odds no one else could. "Hey." Han offered, a tense and apologetic smile pulled as he looked down to Derek. "The kids gotten huge." Jacen looked at his father in the doorway. He looked older, and maybe smaller than Jacen remembered him. It was a disconcerting series of thoughts, and one that made him stop the thinking, and answer them by a small smile to his face as he stepped aside and motioned for Han to come in. "Yeah, he has," Jacen responded to his Dad's comment. And this much was completely true. Derek was so much larger than what Jacen had remembered. He had no idea when his Father had last seen Derek - he'd gotten the impression that his mother had seen him several times - but he didn't know about his Dad. If Han had visited, it hadn't been mentioned. He let the door close after his father. He hadn't seen Han before. It had been his mom, his Uncle & his Aunt, and then Lyric, and then Elix and Derek. His Dad had presumably been there, but perhaps been with his brother the entire time. Someone would have needed to be, and Jacen couldn't blame his Father for that. Anakin got along better with their Dad, all things considered, and if it hadn't been for Sernpidal, Jacen was nearly positive that this would be true. And perhaps ironically, Jacen knew Anakin was more willing to forgive every slight after Sernpidal, than Jacen found that he could. Han had disappeared on the family when they had all needed him. Leia had needed him, and so had Anakin, and honestly, so had Jacen and Jaina, and although they'd made it through... it hadn't been without difficulties. And Jacen hadn't entirely forgotten his father's reaction to Lyric. But all that considered, Jacen had thought he might not see his Father again. There had been that possibility. And probably his Dad had wondered too. "He's walking now," Jacen offered quietly. "And he said his first word apparently. Lyric said he hadn't been talking before now, but he said Papa earlier. Didn't you?" he reached his finger up to Derek's hand and the little boy wrapped his fingers around it while his eyes stayed on Han's face, studying him. Jacen turned back to his Father as well. "I think - I guess you were with Anakin before." "Walking and talking. He's going to be more of a handful soon." Han gave an awkward chuckle as his mind flashed back to Jacen toddling towards him with those big brown eyes. Han had missed so much of that, every time him and Leia had gotten to visit it had almost seemed like they'd grown overnight. It was startling and he had missed so many first times. They told themselves it was to keep the kids safe and maybe it had. But they had lost so much time already and now they had lost more. He nodded with Jacen's question, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked around the small apartment. It was clean, neat, with little pieces that he recognized from the girl scattered about. Maybe he shouldn't just think of her as the girl, Elix had found her way to bother him more than enough since they had met. "Yeah. He's awake now. Well, in one of those healing trances now. Half expect him to flirt his way out of the medbay to get out." There was another brief laugh as he shook his head thinking about Anakin. Han didn't believe in miracles but two of them were standing in front of him these days, both of his sons. Han took a full look at Jacen, arms full of a kid that wasn't going anywhere. That last bit of childhood had faded away into hard lines but it was still his Jacen. The boy who had brought home any animal he could to take care of it, to protect and understand. Han really couldn't be surprised there was a kid come to think of it. "Sorry I wasn't there to see you yesterday." He offered, quiet as he tried to find his bearings. "It's. It's good to see you." Jacen watched his dad take in the apartment and wondered what he thought of it. It was small, although it felt almost extravagant to Jacen after the last few months - year? How long had he been gone? He really hadn't thought to ask. It was the sort of thing that he promised he would look up as soon as his Dad was gone, the sort of thing he ought to have known, and that made him feel like he was listing just a bit because he didn't. But Lyric and Elix hadn't taken it for granted. It was so much more, Jacen knew, than either of them had ever had before. Jacen had seen their homes - well, two of them - and he knew that for them this was likely more stability than they'd ever had. While he knew his Dad had probably grown up with no more, it had probably been a long time since he'd been in an apartment this size. He suspected even his parent's here on Daq where housing was at a premium because of all the influx of beings was larger than this one. Maybe he should have tried to figure out where it was and gone there this morning. He put the idea to the side. He'd chosen to stay here with his son to try to reorient himself. It was a reasonable decision and there was nothing wrong in it. Feeling guilty for not having gone to see his Dad would do nothing for him now in this moment. His Dad was here, and as difficult as their relationship might have been recently, it was still good to see him. "It's all right," Jacen shrugged, but his lips curled up in a genuine smile. "Anakin needed someone with him. I'm glad he's awake. He was pretty beat up when I found him, but now that he's out of that, and has some time to heal I think he'll be all right." Derek squirmed and Jacen knew almost without really thinking about it that the boy wanted to be set down, so he did, offering tiny bare toes to the carpet, and Derek settled his feet, hesitated for a moment to get his balance, Jacen leaving his hands hovering to offer it if it was needed, but when it wasn't he stood back up, his eyes on the boy for a minute, the smile staying in place. When he looked back up it was to meet his Dad's eyes. "It's good to see you too. Do you want something to drink, or I was thinking maybe I should figure out food for Derek." "Yeah, I could take a drink." Han answered off hand as he took in Jacen actually smiling. How long has it been since he had seen Jacen smile? There was still the slight light of the young child that had once upon a time held out his arms to Han in excitement instead of this quiet standoffish stance that Han deserved and Jacens own horrors likely put into place. How did he even start? He couldn't ask how Jacen was. Leia had filled him in on a little and all it had done was twist Hans heart in his chest till it was nearly unbearable. And now here he was back and immediately with the small little family he'd pulled from the undercity. A little family leia had helped keep together to have some connect to a son they thought was lost, a son who had found his place back here. Instead he squatted down, offering a smile at Derek. The kid was cute, gotten cuter each time he saw him really. And Jacen had said that Derek was walking now, which seemed amazing to think about really. Holding out his hand to the small boy he kept his eyes on Derek. "Hey there kid. You going to let your-" his eyes darted up to Jacen before falling back on the child. "Papa get you something to eat? He's only got so many hands." Something about his Dad reaching out his hand to Derek lifted something that Jacen hadn't been entirely aware that he was carrying. It came off of his shoulders, the recognition of his kid maybe saying something that Han wasn't going to say in words, and in all honesty, Jacen might not have believed if he had. For an instant he stared and then convinced that Derek was in safe hands, Jacen headed towards the small kitchenette. "Two hands, last time I counted," he threw over his shoulder dryly. "I don't think I've grown any this year, despite everything. He's walking, but he's still a little unsteady on his toes," he told his father. "So a hand probably isn't a bad idea, but he might surprise you with how far he can go. I still can't believe how much he's changed." Probably Jacen had changed equally much. He wondered in a sharp pang if his father looked at him and thought the same thing. He breathed out and opened the refrigeration unit to check to see what there was. Lyric had said that Derek was eating things now, although they still needed to be cut up small or soft for him to be able to mash down with his gums and handful of teeth. He found some juice, and what appeared to maybe be a soup, and he pulled those out to warm them. It felt so odd to be cooking food on a stovetop, to be dealing with utensils... really everything felt odd to Jacen and this was no different. As he waited for the soup to warm he took a cup of the juice to his Dad. "I haven't heard from Jaina yet, but they said she was out with the military right now?" Little feet put one in front of the other as Derek stumbled forward as Jacen walked to the kitchen. The boy seemed hellbent on catching up with Jacen, catching up with his father. How many times had Jacen chased after him and Han hadn't noticed? They had always been so busy. Hans hand reached to brush against Derek's, little fingers splayed out to keep balance on chubby legs. He hunched behind the toddler as he toddled after Jacen. "Elix talks about him a lot." Han offered quietly as he reached up to take the offered cup. "She spends a lot of time down by the docks. Keep having to pull her out of the falcon. But she's almost getting to big to just pick up. Though she's still hell of a lot shorter than leia." On the question of Jaina Han nodded. Word had gone out to her but there was only so much that could be done when she was in the middle of a war on orders. "Last I heard she should be here by tomorrow." "She's good with him," Jacen looked down at the small boy who had reached out for his leg, hanging on tightly to balance himself. After a moment, Jacen reached down to scoop him up again. Derek was happy, and that made Jacen surprisingly happy really. He dropped an easy kiss on top of the boy's curls. "He sleeps out here with her most of the time, don't you?" He pulled Derek back into the conversation for a moment even if he couldn't really take part in it yet. He would though, and probably before Jacen expected it. He looked back at his Dad then. "I've missed her. I could probably reach out and find her, and I did, once briefly, but I'm pretty sure she was in a battle and I didn't want to disrupt her or distract her." He didn't want to get her killed, really, was what it boiled down to. He could have found Jaina easily enough in the Force. She was his twin and he always could, but he didn't want to endanger her by doing so. He could wait, even if he wanted to see her so badly. "Elix said she'd been down on the Falcon," he looked over at his dad somewhat curiously. "Said you've been teaching her a bit of ship stuff, mechanics and flying and things." How long had it been since all three of their children had been in one place? Jaina had been the only one they had almost been able to keep track of even with the war. At least her squad would call in. But he hadn't actually seen his daughter in longer than he wanted to admit to. It was a theme with his family it seemed. "I'm not sure if teach is the right word." Still Han couldn't help the smile that begin to slip out. The falcon doesn't seem natural without at least one other person rolling around in it. Traveling alone was never something he was thrilled with. Elix was young but she was enthusiastic and underfoot and maybe exactly what he needed running around the falcon. "She just sort of ends up places and I don't really have a choice." Jacen laughed, he couldn't help it. "Yeah, that sounds about right with Elix. She's undeniably enthusiastic." The smile stayed on his lips as he crossed to stir the soup he'd put on to warm and when he turned back around he considered his words. He could say thank you for keeping her around, he could possibly even say Lyric had appreciated Han keeping her around, which was probably mostly true. For all Lyric worried about Elix running off and getting herself into trouble, he knew too that Lyric had wanted to give her opportunities, and that desire was at least equal with his worry. But would it just bring up something that would bring whatever sort of peace that he and his Dad had so far managed to a close? Jacen didn't really want to do that. "But you could still have run her off," he said cautiously, uncertain if he was saying the right thing, but going for it anyway. "You didn't. Thanks for that." Did Jacen really think that little of him? It made sense, Han had not exactly led a life recently that would have people believe he could actually look out for someone. He hadn't even been able to look out for himself. Maybe it didn't matter that Elix helped keep Han a little saner when he was planet side, that she kept the falcon from ever getting too quiet when he was always waiting to hear chewie answer him when he called out some demand. Han shook his head slightly, setting down the glass of juice to fully look at his son. Jacen had barely been back a day and he was already pulling more responsibility than he should. But Han kept his mouth shut on that because right now it looked like Jacen was holding onto the boy in his arms for dear life. "If I threw every annoying teenager I ran into off my ship you'd have never been born." He pointed out instead, shrugging slightly. "I like having her around. She's... Chipper. Follows directions. Isn't scared to see if something will work." Jacen didn't really know what to say to that. But his dad had always gotten along best with Elix from the very beginning. It had been Elix that had probably convinced him to allow Lyric on the ship in the first place. Jacen was fairly certain he could have begged and pleaded and told his father that he wasn't going and he was staying on Coruscant and probably it wouldn't have mattered, but Elix had managed to make him smile and let them on. Jacen wondered if his Dad regretted that now. Jacen tended to think that it wouldn't have made any difference. He would have found a way to get back to Lyric, and he would have found a way to keep Lyric safe through all of it, but at the same time, if Lyric hadn't come with them - if they hadn't been as close - when Coruscant fell... Jacen pulled his breath in, tensing up, and only relaxing at a protest from Derek that reminded him that probably the young boy could sense his moods. "Well, that's good," Jacen managed instead. "Elix has always wanted to fly, so I know she's been pleased with the opportunities." He pulled out the chair for Derek and set the child in it before he turned to put together bowls and food for him. As he dipped up some of the soup he touched his finger to it, and frowned at the heat. He dug around in the refrigeration unit again, finding some milk, and adding it to the bowl before he sat down with a spoon. He really had no idea how to feed Derek, he hadn't done it alone. Elix had helped with it that morning. But it couldn't be that difficult. "Lyric said that Mom said he was Force sensitive," Jacen dipped the spoon in the soup, holding it for a moment to cool it a little bit more. He looked over at his Dad. 'I feel ridiculous that I didn't realize it sooner." "I've noticed. Half expect her to try and steal the falcon from under me. Luckily she's not that good at sabbac yet." Han allowed himself an awkward chuckle but in truth he wouldn't mind taking the kid out with him when she was a little older. Right now she still had the chance to scrap by some kind of childhood even if the Yuuzhan Vong were trying to kill them all. He had a copilot anyway when the new republic didn't need her. Watching Jacen, he smiled just slightly. "He got a bib?" Han asked easily as he jerked his head towards Derek. He remembered all too well in the haze of the past trying to feed force sensitive toddlers. "And yeah, your mother mentioned it. She brings Ben by sometimes. To check up on them." Jacen chuckled briefly. "Probably Lyric's better at sabbac, but luckily he's not going to want to steal the Falcon," he mused, wondering almost as soon as he said it if he should have brought it up. But he couldn't take it back now, and if Lyric was going to be the thing that ruined this conversation, then Jacen would have to live with that, and he might as well know sooner rather than later because he couldn't just not talk about Lyric. "Probably he'd be happy if he never had to travel in space again, honestly." He considered Derek and then put the spoon back in the bowl and went looking through drawers and cabinets. He couldn't find a bib, but when he eventually found a towel, he took it and wrapped it around the boy's neck. "I guess, this will work? If your Daddy has a bib somewhere, I don't know where it is," he told Derek as he sat back down again and picked up the spoon with a small bit of the soup on it. "I can't imagine doing this with two," he looked at his Dad. "How did you ever manage with Jaina and I?" Of course lyric would be good at sabbac. Han still couldn't put his finger on it but that kid riled him. Something about him didn't settle well in Hans gut. But leia was growing to like him and it seemed all he had done after losing Jacen was take care of these two kids. There were worse people to like and better people to dislike. Han, for better or worse, held his tongue as best he could. "Lucky me we're not likely to play a game." He mused emptily. Jacen he run right back into Lyrics arms and Han wasn't about to try and run him even further away. Leia would kill him if he somehow managed to. So instead he took his place on the other side of Derek's chair. "We had Threepio. Winter too." Han honestly wasn't sure who had raised their kids more. Despite the best of intentions it hadn't been him and Leia. "Chewie would help out." His heart felt empty as his best friend haunted his mind. Han had started to come to terms with the fact that he would never not feel that emptiness. Still he allowed himself a sad smile. "He cold practically hold you both in one hand." Jacen lifted the spoon to Derek's lips and let the boy take some. Derek considered it, most of it went into the mouth, and the rest went along the sides of his lips. Jacen was instantaneously thankful for his dad's mention of the bib and used the corner of the towel to wipe it off. "That's not so bad is it?" He said to Derek, hoping that at least the rest of this would go so well. It was nice to not look like he had no clue what he was doing in front of his Dad even if the truth was that he really did have no clue what he was doing. He picked up another spoon and glanced over at his Dad. The mention of Chewie brought a small smile to Jacen's lips and an ache to his chest. He knew how much his brother had continued to feel guilty for months after Chewie's death - maybe he still did. Jacen hadn't spoken with Anakin enough to know. And his Father had lost his best friend. Somehow Jacen knew that, and Chewie's loss had lingered with him too, but everything that had happened in the aftermath with his Dad. They just hadn't seen him. Jacen pushed the thoughts away. The sudden burst of sympathy for his father's pain was there, but he didn't know what to do with it. He still should have been there. "He could, I mean, he did sometimes. And his fur made it pretty easy to hang onto. It must have smarted but he always put up with it." Jacen fed Derek the next spoon, most of this one actually going in Derek's mouth, and he managed to scrape what hadn't off using the spoon itself this time. "I miss him," he said to his dad. "Yeah." Han's smile faded away as he tried to focus on the kid in front of him. Derek was cute, full of life, everything that they were working to keep together as the galaxy fell apart around them. It was good to see that reminder, after everything that had happened around them. There had been so much loss that Han was beginning to think there wasn't anything else to life. He had lost his best friend, his sons, and he wondered if some days his sanity had gone as well. "Yeah we all miss him." Han gathered up the courage to finish, to acknowledge the pain that never quite went away. "He loved you kids." He pulled a smile that he didn't quite feel and leaned in to watch Derek. "You're pretty good at this, kid." he offered the child with the rare bit of charm he could muster. "Real food and everything. We'll have to watch out for you." Jacen pulled another spoon of the soup for Derek, his eyes turning back on his father to watch him for a moment. He couldn't quite keep a smile from crossing his lips as Han reached out a little to Derek. He offered Derek the spoon and this time he batted it away. The soup did not recover quite as quickly as the spoon did, and it went flying. Jacen blinked splatters off his own face as he pushed back just a little bit from the young boy. "Derek!" He looked over quickly to his Dad and his smile became slightly broader at the sight of the soup splattering Han. How had such a little spoon, and Jacen had felt like he was putting hardly anything on the spoon in the first place, somehow splattered that much everywhere? "Here," he reached for the bib/towel that he'd put around Derek and handed it over to his dad trying not to laugh. "I'm so sorry," he offered. "I thought - well. Derek - you don't use the spoon as a weapon, okay? It's for soup in your mouth, kid, not soup on your grandfather!" He reached forward to take his thumb and wipe a splatter off of Derek's soft cheek. "Spoon, soup, mouth, got it?" Derek laughed and waved his hands. "Papa soo." Once upon a time Han's reflexes had been tested by enough children that he could have easily dodged the splatter of the knocked aside spoon. But that time had past over a decade ago and instead Han was left with the cooling soup splattered over him and Jacen at least attempting to keep it together as he handed him a towel. How long had it been since he'd seen Jacen laugh? There had been a few times on the falcon, when Jacen and his boy hadn't noticed Han yet, with their heads ducked in close together. Jacen had smiled with an ease that Han hadn't seen since his days at the academy, before all this mess had started and Jacen had become a little hard and Han had lost what softness he had left. "I see, you want to play games?" Han rumbled as he wiped off his face. He reached out with the rag, wiping a bit of soup off Derek's cheek. His hand reached up with the cloth and squeaked Derek's nose, pulling back and slipping his thumb between the fist of his fingers. "Guess I'm going to take your nose in exchange for that." Han chuckled soft and low in his throat. Jacen was pretty certain that Lyric would have managed this feeding thing without getting soup all over the kitchen, but for half an instant he didn't care. He couldn't remember the last time he'd heard his Dad laugh. Before Chewie maybe. Before Sernpidal. Before everything had gone to hell and the entire galaxy had been tipped into a darkness that Jacen sometimes wondered if it was possible to recover from - and not just for himself. Derek returned the giggle, and Jacen didn't know if he quite realized what had been done, but the squeal from the child was pure delight at the attention if nothing else, and Jacen couldn't even mind how piercing it was because it was so free - without any of the weight of the two adults in the room with him. "You've got to watch him, Derek," he said instead, with an ease he hadn't felt for a while. "He's terrible about stealing noses and if he doesn't give you the right one back, then you'll end up pawning off the giant one he's got on you." Soup wiped up, he re-positioned the towel and picked up the spoon and reached for one of Derek's hands with his empty hand while he moved the one with the spoon in. "Trying a second time here. Repeat after me soup in the mouth, not on the Grandpa." "Gapa." Derek said and the soup went mostly astray, but Jacen realized he couldn't even mind. "I thought Lyric said you weren't talking." "Soo." "I don't know about that, seems pretty chatty to me." Han mused easily as he reached out to cup the side of Derek's head momentarily as the spoon went a little wild again. Maybe Leia had the right idea, coming to see this kid. As much as Lyric didn't sit right in Han's gut, he had to admit somehow he had come up with two wonderful kids that Han wasn't exactly begrudged at having alongside his own. Jacen just seemed so happy, so willing to reach out and take care of someone else. Maybe it shouldn't have surprised Han. The kid had always wanted to look out for things smaller than him, to take care of someone. Now he had that and apparently a street kid that made him happy. Hell his mother had run off with a two bit smuggler, and Jacen took so much after Leia it hurt. "He does," Jacen mused again, a smile staying more easily at Derek's gestures and words - and even if those words were sounds as much as words, Jacen couldn't help but feel there was real meaning there. The kid was definitely communicating, and if he hadn't before... well, he was now. That was all there was too it and Jacen couldn't wait to tell Lyric that when he got back. But Lyric wasn't here now, just his Dad, and his Dad was reaching out and accepting Derek and for the moment - well it was more than Jacen felt like he'd had for a long time from his father, and maybe it didn't make up for everything, and maybe it wasn't even a perfect acceptance - if Jacen brought up Lyric again would his dad be okay with it? Would he run? The answer to that question was to not bring him up unnecessarily, but that meant Lyric stayed an unspoken certainty. For a moment Jacen wanted to try to explain to his Dad the way Lyric's arms held him up, and let him be, even when he was terrified - and how somehow, when Lyric was there Jacen felt as if he could do everything that was expected of him - even the things he hated. For an instant he wanted to try to explain again (and if there was any time to try to explain it having come back from presumed dead might be a good time with more leeway than he'd gotten in the past five years?) everything that Lyric gave him and why he loved him. But he also didn't want to ruin the moment, which was mostly peaceful, and felt more comfortable than any moment he'd had with his Father thus far, so instead he pushed the spoon into the soup and gave Derek another spoonful of it. "Here you are kid, let's have another bite. I'm going to tell your Daddy that you've been holding out on him, all these words, what were you waiting for?" "Kids pick up a lot more than you think they do." Han offered, quiet and not sure why he was to begin with. Right now Jacen was smiling, content. It was more than Han had expected to find after spending almost a day at Anakin's bedside, making sure his youngest son was still breathing as he slept. It felt like yesterday that Jacen had been this small, and now Han was in the future and watching his babies with babies and risking their lives for a galaxy that didn't seem to ever give a damn about anyone. "You don't think about it, but they see just about everything." Han reached out to tease Derek's hair, soft and curly under his hand. "Maybe he knew something... Lyric didn't." Jacen's hand paused with the soup spoon in midair as he looked over to watch his Dad. Somehow he hadn't expected the hardest part of coming back to be the coming back part. But with everyone around him, he felt as if he was relearning everything - at least with his Father he'd been relearning everything for way too long. Derek, he was relearning everything, but it felt more natural there because he'd never really learned Derek in the first place and Derek had no expectations, Derek just reached out for him, and said papa in that little voice, and it was okay. He put the soup spoon back in the bowl and stared at it. He didn't know what to say in response to his Father. But then he hadn't known what to say to his Dad for so long that this wasn't unusual. What was unusual was not simply saying something angry or frustrating - not actively trying to hurt his father - that was unusual and it wasn't a thought Jacen much liked about himself. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Lyric -" he broke off and shook his head at himself quietly, instead reaching for the spoon again to help Derek eat. He wasn't even sure what he was going to say, and wasn't certain how it would be received if he had said it. Lyric had missed him, of course he had, and Jacen was half afraid he'd changed too much, no matter how accepting Lyric had been. Han's eyes turned to Jacen, watching him quietly close back in. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he knew that look and it was one that Han had never wanted to see in his children. The hollow look of someone unsure of how to even function, catching themselves when it felt like it was all too much and remembering that none of this was deserved. Han had fallen into a bottle so deep to try and lose that feeling he had almost lost the few people that actually mattered in this galaxy. And the pain of losing his right arm, his best friend, that was nothing compared to what his son had been put through. The Yuuzhan Vong didn't take prisoners and Han didn't want to imagine what hells they had put his son, his baby, through. Because no matter how old Jacen was it didn't matter, he was still that bundle of fat cheeks and smiles that Han and Leia had eagerly wanted while a war was waging around them. He didn't remember reaching for Jacen but his hand found his son's shoulder nonetheless. It was strong, lean, powered by an experience that Han couldn't take away from him no matter how much he wanted to. "Hey." Han's voice pitched low as he looked Jacen in the eyes, hoping maybe this could ground him in the moment even if it never really worked for him when Leia had tried so hard. "It's okay if you're not all right. We've got you." Jacen glanced to his father's face and he nodded once. A thousand conflicting thoughts ran through his head, thoughts about choosing what to do next, thoughts that his father hadn't been there always, thoughts that it might be different now, a promise to the boy in front of him that Jacen wouldn't let him down, the fear that he was inevitably going to. He swallowed, and finished feeding Derek, letting his breath out a little shakily as he reached out to pass a hand over Derek's hair. "Thanks, Dad," he said softly and he turned back to look at him. One hand still caught in Derek's soft curls. He loved this little boy. He hadn't realized it before, but him being here and Jacen being back, it was so clear he couldn't mistake it. "I've got Lyric, too. I just need a little time is all. I'll be fine." "I know you do." Han admitted, which was maybe too little when it came to his son and the boy who had his heart. Han had seen just how Jacen looked at Lyric, he'd listened to Leia tell him how broken Lyric was without him. Hell he'd listened to Elix's quiet worry behind her forced chipperness that had started to eat away at the little girl. He knew what Jacen's choice had been. Even if he didn't like it, he respected it. "But if you're not fine, it's okay." Han repeated, squeezing Jacen's shoulder before letting go, letting his hand fall to the table. "No one's going to hold that against you. You've got a family that cares more about you than I would have thought." His eyes watched Jacen because this new family wasn't one he had expected, but he meant it all the same. Jacen let the words hang in the air as he considered them, the weight of them, what wasn't said. He didn't know what to expect from his dad with Lyric. Some part of him could see Han's angry accusation and the nastier part of him couldn't help but think that Han had been waiting for a reason to jump on Lyric from the beginning. But also he'd told Han about the relationship in a way that - well he hadn't meant to. Not on any front. That had been the day that Lyric had told Jacen he loves him. Jacen couldn't help a smile at the memory of their hands crossing a greasy table in a stupid cantina. "I do," his hand ruffles Derek's hair gently and he turned to look at his dad. "You know I didn't mean for that to ..." He stopped and reached for another bite of the soup for Derek, fed it to him and then set the spoon in the soup bowl, and wrapping his hand around Derek's quietly. "I would have told you differently. If I could do it over..." He pressed his lips together and breathed in. "I love him so much." "I know you do, kid." Han sighed, shaking his head slightly. It didn't matter if something didn't sit right in his gut about Lyric. The facts were that despite that the street kid had proven more than loyal to his son, to an extent that had never been required of him. And if that kid was the one Jacen wanted, Han just hoped somehow this kid had the guts to actually be able to help put Jacen back together. Hells knew that Leia had almost given up on Han. "You know, I thought liking men would mean I wouldn't be a grandpa this young." Han raised an eyebrow with a slight tick of a smirk towards Jacen. He turned to Derek, holding out his hands. "Are you still hungry? Or are you ready to come to grandpa?" Jacen couldn't help the heat that flushed to his cheeks at his Father's words, even though the question of whether or not he and Lyric had been sleeping together had long ago been answered without much doubt. But even with it, he couldn't help the smile that followed the flush, because, at least for the moment there was something that resembled acceptance, and Jacen didn't know if he could trust it, or if it would stay, but it was more than he felt like he'd gotten all of this time, so it might need to be enough. "Lyric said he needed us," he offered with a smile as he pushed back the remaining bit of the soup, and reached out to pick Derek up so that he could lift him. "I think he might have been wrong though. I think we needed him. "Go see grandpa," Jacen dropped a light kiss on Derek's head as he handed him forward to his father. "I think you'll be good at it," he offered. His eyes stayed on his Dad, watching his arms as Han took Derek. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Han mused as he reached out, taking Derek into his arms. It was strange in its own way, even if he had held Ben a few times when he'd been left with Leia. But this boy was something different, this was as much his blood as Chewie had been which was a damned sight moreso than what anyone else might say. If his son had decided this was his kid, then Han was stuck with that. Big brown eyes looked up at him and Han couldn't help but think even if they weren't related they looked an awful lot like Jacen's. "Oh you're big." Han teased gently as he settled Derek in his arms. "How bout we let your dad clean up, huh? We'll go get into some trouble." |