Star Nomad Cast (starnomadnpc) wrote in starnomad, @ 2015-11-16 15:12:00 |
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People were beginning to be less scattered, and for better or for worse, the pieces of what the galaxy was going to look like - at least in the short term - were becoming more clear. It wasn't the prettiest of pictures, but they were putting together plans to move back to Borleias - it would be a military campaign involving the Hapans, the Military that was here, and the Jedi - and Jacen would need to be involved with it. But for the moment, he had been given the afternoon more or less without any particular assignment, and Jacen kind of planned to go back and sleep. He felt a little silly using unscheduled time in that way, but, well, he hadn't been getting loads of it. Jacen was hoping for some time to think a little too. The reality was that Jacen was struggling more than he really wanted to admit to himself. He hadn't really thought about what it would be like to have a kid, and yet one had been effectively thrust in his hands via Lyric. And it wasn't that he blamed Lyric for taking Derek in at all. He understood that Lyric didn't want to leave the kid someplace where he wasn't going to be cared for and they more than had enough resources here, but at the same time... Well Jacen missed Lyric, he missed quiet, he missed uninterrupted time - he missed Lyric. This felt like the most ridiculous thing considering that he still had Lyric. He shook his head as he punched in the key code to unlock the door to their quarters in the diplomatic wing of the Hapan palace and entered. "Lyric?" It was possible the Elix had been a little too excited about meeting Derek. But Lyric couldn't deny the fact that she seemed so excited to have someone who might even possibly join their family was a small relief in its own way. So far trying to track down any refugee related to Derek was turning out to be a fools errand. If Lyric was honest with himself then he would have to admit that there was a part of him that hoped they wouldn't necessarily find one. He'd grown fond of Derek, the little smiles and laughs balancing out the crying and screams. Still he kept looking, if only for Jacen's weariness over his own. That didn't mean Lyric wasn't tired though. Elix was bound and determined to have Derek for herself at least for a little while and Lyric couldn't help but accept the chance to sleep when he knew who would be watching the child. After all Elix had done far more complicated tasks than watching an infant for a few hours and between her and her friends they probably wouldn't get into too much trouble. Which meant after spending time showing them some basics and setting them up with the baby bag Lyric had he had come back to their quarters and stretched out on the bed, falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. But a lifetime of light sleeping never went away. His eyes fluttered open as the door slid open, Jacen on the other side. A warm, sleepy smile lit up as he groggily registered his lover at the door. "Yes?" he mumbled sleepily. Jacen realized an instant too late that Lyric had been sleeping, and an instant beyond that realization that he should have been a bit quieter. After all, if Lyric was sleeping then it probably meant that Derek was as well, and if Derek was here and sleeping then the only way Jacen was likely to get any sleep was if he stayed asleep. But as he stepped in he realized that Lyric was in the bed alone, and that Derek wasn't in the small bed they'd crafted for him out of one of the drawers and Jacen stopped. He hadn't seen Lyric leave Derek with anyone. And after the droid conversation had gone over with such a lack of enthusiasm, Jacen hadn't persisted despite the fact that he still felt it was a good idea. He kept thinking maybe Lyric would find someone, and maybe he had. He glanced around the room as he came in, and stepped across to the bed. "You found somewhere for Derek?" he asked with a small smile on his face. Despite the edge of relief at the idea of Derek having found a permanent place that wasn't Lyric, Jacen could admit there was some small wish he'd been able to say good-bye to the little guy. He was sweet enough when he wasn't keeping them both awake at night and Jacen had begun to figure out what to do with him - well, a little better than he had previously - but still, the idea of falling into bed next to Lyric and not being woken again until the alarm went off was incredibly appealing. Lyric's mind caught up with the rest of him to wake up fully, processing over the question that Jacen had just asked. Maybe it was reasonable, the baby hadn't been far from Lyric really since the soldier had put him in his arms. Even when they were out with the refugees Derek was always close by and that was part of how he had been trying to find someone from Derek's family to begin with. And he there was a family to be found that would be happy news, wouldn't it? What Lyric wanted was for Derek to be somewhere that he could be happy, with someone who would care for him. "No, Elix has him." Lyric yawned as he pulled himself up to sit. "She came in with some of the Jedi reinforcements." "Oh," Jacen said simply, sinking down to sit on the edge of the bed. He hadn't realized Elix was here, but it made sense that she would be. He knew that his Uncle had been pulling people in who could fight, and that Elix would try to catch a ride to come and see Lyric as soon as possible made perfect sense. In terms of Derek - well, he had just been slightly sad at not being able to say good-bye hadn't he? But part of him had certainly hoped... He wasn't certain he really wanted to unpack too much why he hoped that Derek had found another home. Instead he turned his attention onto the man in front of him and reached a hand over to push Lyric's hair back from his still sleepy looking face. "You were sleeping," he said instead. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." It was instinct to lean closer to Jacen's hand. His brain was only half awake and it had seemed like forever since he had just felt Jacen. The distraction was nice even with the cloud over his mind. Jacen was always so considerate, thoughtful, and Lyric could have very easily just curled back into bed with him and fallen back asleep. Except there was something in Jacen's tone that kept him upright, his eyes open and focusing on the face next to him. "You sound disappointed." Lyric's reply was slow, careful as he kept his hand pressed against Jacen's. Jacen didn't know if disappointed was entirely the right word. It also wasn't entirely the wrong word and he was forced back into trying to parse through his feelings once again. On some level watching Lyric with Derek reminded him of everything that he loved about this man. He was able to give, and he had an endless patience that Jacen was vaguely in awe of. If he had thought twice about bringing Derek home with him for an indefinite period of time, he certainly hadn't shown that hesitation to Jacen. Not even after nights of no sleep, and gruelling schedules. Somehow Lyric seemed to just keep going, and it the determination with which he did so, was in some ways showing Jacen an entirely new side to Lyric - one that he had intellectually known must have existed to stay alive and to care for Elix in the Undercity - but one he hadn't really had much experience with himself. Not, at least in that way. And yet at the same time, there was a part of him that missed just the two of them in a bed, and the quiet moments with each other. Jacen understood Lyric's desire for Derek to be cared for, but Derek finding another home would have meant that the two of them could have returned to being the two of them. He moistened his lips. He didn't want to fight with Lyric. If they had a moment to themselves for whatever reason, then Jacen didn't want to waste it, and also he felt a little guilty for having woke Lyric up. It would have been easy to lean in and just kiss Lyric rather than answering his question, and for a moment Jacen wondered if it would be possible to distract him so easily. Neither of them had really felt each other much outside of the hand holding and hugs they'd managed around Derek. "No," he said finally. "Not... disappointed. It's just I miss us." Jacen turned his hand to wrap it around Lyric's. The skin was warm, the man underneath it someone he loved so much, and since Coruscant's fall hardly anything had been normal. Derek was just one more change that Jacen hadn't been anticipating. Perhaps it was less Derek and more everything. "It's good he's with Elix." "We still have us." Lyric frowned, watching Jacen carefully but allowing their hands to thread together. Since the fall things had been different, it was true. Coruscant was gone, everyone was scattered, the new republic was in ruins, and they'd had a baby thrust into their lives by a soldier who had only been trying to save one more life from a crumbling planet. But even with all of that Lyric had never doubted that Jacen was still there, he had been the only constant helping keep Lyric together while the entire galaxy was crumbling around them. His frown stayed in place though as he turned to fully face Jacen. "I haven't been able to find a family, Jacen." His words were calm, his mind becoming more alert. And Lyric had tried, questioning nearly every refugee that he had contact with. It had been hundreds of people at this point, maybe more for all he knew, most of the faces all started to blur together and there was only so much Lyric could do to stop that. "I know," Jacen admitted softly. And they did still have each other. He had come home every night to Lyric. It just hadn't been like what they'd had before and the change had thrown Jacen more than it seemed as if it had thrown Lyric. He wanted to ask Lyric how he was doing it. Jacen had begun to feel as if he was drowning under the consistency of the interruptions which couldn't be planned around except that they would happen and probably when he was most tired and most in need of quiet. But Lyric's words kept him from asking and instead brought his focus into the awareness that he knew that too. Even as he'd hoped to have a simple answer to the question that he felt hadn't even really been asked of him, he'd known it was impossible and unlikely. There was no last name, nothing other than the child's name, and what basic information he'd been able to uncover. A mother's name and an address that at one time might have been a way to track that family down meant nothing at all in the wake of Coruscant's destruction. He'd known that almost from the beginning. There didn't seem to be anything additional to add to that so instead Jacen shifted his gaze up to meet Lyric's. He loved this man so much, but he hadn't thought about a family - not like this. Elix, sure, but that had been part of the picture from the first, and something later, after the war - well, possibly. But this was more than Jacen had thought about having so soon. It was truthfully more responsibility than he knew what to do with. "So what's next?" He asked. What was next? That was a question that Lyric wasn't sure he necessarily wanted Jacen's answer to. This kind of upheaval, it was something that Lyric had done before. Someone deciding to protect an infant they had found was the only reason he was alive to be sitting next to Jacen right now. Now it was a legacy that he had to live up to, even if Izi had eventually failed for reasons he would never have the answer to. He owed Derek just as much as he owed Elix. Maybe it wasn't because he had asked for it, but Lyric hadn't asked for anything in his life and he had still been luckier than most. So he reached out, taking Jacen's other hand and holding them both close in his. More than anything Lyric wanted Jacen, wanted him to stay with him for the rest of his life however long that would end up being. But Lyric was also used to not getting what he wanted. "I have to take care of him." Lyric lifted his eyes up to meet Jacen's, his throat going dry as he pushed his way through the words. "I can't just leave him on his own and I'm willing to do that." But Lyric's life hadn't just been his own for a very long time. Before he just had Elix but now he had someone else that he wanted to keep. He squeezed Jacen's hands tight. "If you can't I... I don't know." Jacen wondered at himself for even asking the question when he had known the answer. Maybe not exactly, but it had been easy enough to guess at. He now looked down at their entwined hands and was silent for a moment. Lyric wasn't really asking - at least it didn't feel like asking - but then again, Lyric hadn't really been asked. Derek had arrived, someone had needed to take care of him or he would have died, and Lyric had simply stepped up to help him for no reason other than he was needed. And somehow he kept calm, he kept moving, he had not only accepted Derek's physical care, but it seemed increasingly likely that he was accepting the emotional care too. Children hadn't been something Jacen had ever really considered. Yes, it had been thought of, but as an abstract some-day concept, and not even that frequently. Jacen hadn't ever really thought of himself as even particularly capable of caring for another human being like that. He'd watched the choices his parents had to make, and the choices his Uncle was making, and he'd wondered whether he could live with navigating the ethics and necessities and responsibilities of being a Jedi on top of trying to be a parent too? And with Lyric he'd never considered it because - well, biologically it hadn't been a question and he'd always assumed that it became something they wanted to explore, that it would be something they would have time to explore together a long time before they got to the point where soft skin and perfect velvet hair against a tiny head were sitting there waiting to further cloud the issue. Finally Jacen looked up, his eyebrow raising slightly, and the smallest of smiles curving his lips. He didn't want to have to navigate fatherhood while he navigated war. He didn't want to lose the easy assurance of Lyric's attention because that focus had slid to someone else, smaller, but equally deserving, and certainly more rightfully needy. He loved Lyric, and he would give him almost anything that he could think of, but he didn't really want to say yes. Still there was a truth in all of this that he couldn't deny, and there was a deep absurdity in him being surprised by this particular situation. He'd put Lyric in a position where this sort of thing could easily happen, and why? "This is part of why I love you," he said softly. For a long moment Jacen was silent and Lyric could feel his heart sink as each second passed. Honestly it would make sense if Jacen left. There was already so much going on in his life and there had been so much loss piled on top of those responsibilities. Adding a child who couldn't do much more than need care was maybe a burden too much to ask for the Jedi. On top of everything else Jacen was asked to help them fight and solve a war that no one could figure out. Jacen loved him, but Lyric knew that there were often limits to love no matter how wonderful a person seemed. When Jacen finally spoke, with that small curve of his lip that made Lyric's stomach flip, Lyric still wasn't quite sure where this stood. He'd given Jacen his choice and he could only hope to know what Jacen's would be. "It's less fun than some of the parts you love." Lyric teased gently, his own smile flickering before disappearing away. "Jacen, I love you." He knew this more than he possibly knew any truth in his life. Lyric would follow Jacen to the ends of the galaxy, he would do just about anything Jacen asked him to and had when opportunity presented itself. Looking down at their hands though, Lyric feared that he'd have to give up the one person who made him truly happy because the one thing that he couldn't do for Jacen would be to give up this child to what would be a very short life. "He needs me though. But me doesn't have to be us if you don't want it to be." Lyric's tease pulled a smile to Jacen's lips as he looked over at Lyric. Everything they had both been through in the past few weeks, no, really few months, had been so much and it had started from nothing that Jacen had anticipated would last. His parents had been skeptical and Jacen knew his father still was. And maybe it had been right to be. He and Lyric had different backgrounds, and nothing about the way this had started would have spoke to lasting. But Lyric had given him so much that Jacen didn't know how to put it all into words. A year ago he been in a much darker place, even if the galaxy had not yet been this dark. Jacen pulled his hands from Lyric's to lift them instead to cup Lyric's cheeks and he looked into those beautiful eyes. "There are possibly other options," he pointed out, but there was no push behind it. With Jacen's connections they could probably find a family who would be willing to take Derek in and given him a good life -- probably, but Jacen could also respect Lyric's sense that it should be him. He moved slightly closer onto the bed so that he could sit directly in front of Lyric, facing him fully, his intention turned fully onto the man next to him. "But if you believe it should be you, I respect that. I've watched you, and I don't -" he struggled to put words to what he'd seen and how he felt about it. "I don't know how you do it, Lyric. You give so much of yourself. And I knew that - I've watched you with Elix, but..." he shook his head gently and the awe crept into his voice. "You haven't flinched." Jacen's touch wasn't rejection and Lyric couldn't help the small flicker of relief on his face as Jacen looked into his eyes. This was more than he had ever asked from Jacen and really more than he had ever asked from anyone. When it was Elix it had just been him. There had never been a partner, someone who might love and care as much as he did. For a while there was Elix but as much as she ran to him Lyric knew that she was pulling away just as often, becoming someone that stood on her own and wouldn't necessarily need him or be there always. "I wouldn't be here if someone flinched." Lyric pointed out gently. As cruel as the Undercity was there were small measures of kindness that could be afforded and without them Lyric would have ceased to feel human a long time ago. Whatever had happened to Izi, it was the one thing he'd learned from her that he had to carry with him otherwise everything in his life would have simply been a lie. He reached up, pressing his hands against Jacen's for a moment. "Jacen, what options? The Hapans? Coruscant is gone, along with how many other systems? The entire galaxy is under fire." Jacen let out his breath and leaned forward to drop his forehead against Lyric's. He knew as well as Lyric did, that yes, there might be other options, but they were slim, and even if he could pull in favours and make it happen, it would probably mean one less place for someone else who needed it equally as badly. His hands dropped to Lyric's shoulders, curling up around his neck, finding the base of it and resting there. Lyric was comfort and strength, and it was comfort and strength that was sorely needed right now. Jacen understood duty, and he understood not always wanting to do the task placed in front of you. Usually though it had been easier to measure in terms of meetings, or controversy, or even a battle he might not come back from - because thus far he always had. This was measured in different terms. It was measured in the moment by moment emotional care of a small human being and Jacen felt wholly inadequate for the task. "I love you," he said softly. "I just don't know how this is so easy for you. Doesn't it frighten you? It's so much." At that Lyric had to smile, an actual smile as he chuckled softly and leaned into kiss Jacen gently. As much as was put on Jacen's plate sometimes Lyric almost forgot just where his beautiful princess came from. None of this was easy, but Lyric wasn't entirely sure what easy was so why should he bother worrying over it? "Jacen, everything is hard." he mused, an eyebrow raising gently as he pulled back. "I've been scared out of my mind almost since you pulled me off Coruscant the first time. This is just something else to add to all of that." The kiss was warm and soft and Jacen couldn't keep a smile from his lips despite the fact that it hadn't changed anything exactly. There were things he still was uncertain of, but outside of his own fears, and his own personal desires, he couldn't deny that Lyric was right to keep Derek. In the larger picture of everything that had happened to the galaxy, keeping track of one small boy who would have been lost in the shuffle otherwise, was almost certainly serving light. If he had fallen in love with Lyric for this tendency he could hardly fault him for it now. His fingers tightened against the base of Lyric's neck, and he leaned in to find Lyric's lips again, pressing against them with warm insistence. He had questions still, and they were questions that he didn't quite know the answer to. They had agreed to get married, but with questions like this what did it mean? What was making decisions together going to look like? What was supporting Lyric going to look like? What happened the next time Lyric found a baby that needed help? "Just Derek," he pulled back from the kiss long enough to say softly. A kiss was all he needed, warm and insistent against his lips and it felt like acceptance. As always all it took was Jacen against him to feel like he could take on the galaxy, even if the galaxy was just one small child. He smiled bright as Jacen pulled back, reaching up to cradle his cheek. Everything about Jacen was more perfect than he could have ever dreamed up on his own. "Just Derek." he agreed easily. Another baby would be more than he could handle and likely more than Jacen could as well, it'd be doing a disservice to both children. But his smile turned a little more wicked as his hand trailed down to Jacen's chest, fingers running over the muscles hidden underneath. "Now, unless you're too tired..." Lyric's voice trailed off as he cocked his head to the side. That smile could pull him under. It was dazzlingly beautiful, and Jacen's heart seemed to swell with the wonder of being the focus of it. But every thought he had of what might still need to be settled was pushed out of his mind at the continued smile, and Jacen's own smile widened, his heart beating quicker as Lyric's fingers moved southward and Jacen couldn't remember having been tired a few moments previous. It had been too long since he'd been able to put his skin against Lyric's, and feel lithe fingers against his own. His grin turned sly and his own fingers sought Lyric's waist. "You've been avoiding me for way too many nights," he teased softly. "I think it's time to remind you what you're missing." And Jacen closed the distance between them without any further words. Sleep, no matter how necessary, could wait. |