Star Nomad Cast (starnomadnpc) wrote in starnomad, @ 2015-11-11 12:31:00 |
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Entry tags: | character: derek solo, character: jacen solo, character: lyric, date: [62.03], location: hapes |
Who: Jacen Solo, baby Derek, and Lyric.
When: 62.03
Where: Hapan Royal Palace Diplomatic Wing, Hapes
What: Exhaustion really.
Rating: Low
Status: COMPLETE.
Days had passed into weeks and Jacen hadn't really stopped. He tended to fall into bed somewhat exhausted and if he wasn't than he could tell Lyric was, and then they would sleep until what point they were woke up by Derek. Inevitably this seemed to happen at the worst possible points in Jacen's sleep cycle so that he was pretty certain there were days he was running on nothing more than Jedi meditation trances that he kept doing in brief breaks here and there. There was word that the Yuuzhan Vong were gathering on the edges of the system and that there would likely be a battle which meant that Jacen was likely to be put into an X-wing despite the fact that he wasn't as good at it as his sister or his brother. He wasn't bad though and when the three of them pulled together they were amazing. When he could pull in the entire squadron of Jedi pilots, there was a lot there and it was something that his Uncle had asked him to do more of with training. Jacen had an intuition for linking them that nobody else seemed to be able to manage and when you coupled him with Jaina's talent and Anakin's determination it really was an unstoppable combination. But all of it and the discussions and meetings he'd been working with were taking its toil and so he almost wasn't pulled out of sleep with Derek's cry. Or at least it took him a minute, a long minute in which he pulled himself back to the waking world with the sense that he shouldn't be there and then a moan of frustration that swallowed the urge to scream, or cry, he couldn't have said which. They had gone to bed early, they had fed him and changed his diapers and he had seemed content enough curled next to Lyric and Jacen had to bite back the urge to snap at the kid 'what the hell did he want?' For an instant he kept his eyes closed and instead he rolled over to finally face Derek and also Lyric. It had been over a week and they still had him. Couldn't they get a droid if they were going to keep him? It might be okay for Lyric to sleep walk around the refugee camp but the exhaustion was likely to get Jacen killed. He sighed back the frustration as he reached out in the Force to push the lights up on dim. "What time is it?" Years and years ago Elix had nightmares. Every night at the same time it seemed she would wake up and Lyric would have to quiet her down before she drew the attention of anyone else. Eventually they had passed and as far as Lyric was aware she hadn't had them in quite some time. Having Derek was like being pulled back into that world only instead of once a night it was several times. From what he had been able to gather about infants in the past week between work, taking care of Derek, and trying to track down any sign of his family, this was pretty standard for the age they guessed he was about. When yet another cry pulled Lyric back into the land of the waking, he gathered the small crying bundle up automatically and stumbled to his feet. He had hoped to get him out of the room fast enough to not wake Jacen up. But the lights flickered on as Lyric's feet hit the ground and he knew he hadn't moved quickly enough. "Go back to sleep." he hushed quietly, half to Jacen and half to the crying infant in his arms. Getting to his feet, Lyric grabbed the bag of things for the child that was set neatly by the side of the bed. He wasn't sure where he could go but at least he could get out of the room so Jacen could fall back to sleep. Who knew what the child actually wanted, he couldn't talk. Lyric was only just starting to figure out what all the crying meant. "I'll take him for a walk. Go back to sleep." The damage was already done, Jacen couldn't help but think irritably. He was awake, and the crono he was blinking at said he'd been asleep for about two and a half hours, just long enough to hit the deepest part of his sleep cycle and to be jarred awake, which meant even if he did go back to sleep it would only help so much, especially if Derek woke up again in like two hours. If he'd known this was going to be days and days, he would have insisted on them getting a droid. "It's fine, don't worry about it," he said although he couldn't quite keep the edge from his voice despite himself. He pulled himself to a sitting position, turning to look at Lyric and Derek, and pulling on the Force to sharpen his awareness just a bit. "You might as well, just whatever here." He ran his hand over his eyes and stared at infant for a minute and reminded himself that Derek was young, that he didn't have nights set to right, that he didn't have anyone, that a week ago, or just over at this point - he'd lost his mother and everyone in his life and that Lyric keeping him was not only the smartest option at the moment, it was the kindest. It half worked, even as he once again wished for Threepio to hand the kid to and say 'go feed him'. He ran his hands back through his hair and breathed out. "Unless you're dying for a night walk it's fine, Lyric." Jacen was used to quiet and Lyric knew that. No matter what Jacen might say he had grown up in the Uppercity and among the Jedi. Sure there was the Falcon that had that constant humming that was always there to unsettle Lyric's stomach, but by and large Jacen's world hadn't been one of constant noise. Lyric was fairly certain he'd never had a complete night's sleep before meeting Jacen, at the very least not since Izi had disappeared. But even then Derek's cries had been draining for him and he could only imagine what it was like for Jacen, the slight edge to Jacen's voice like a knife that pulled Lyric's back into a hunch to keep out of the way. "It's not, you need to sleep." Lyric's voice was quiet as he lifted the infant up to smell, assuring himself that at least this time it wasn't his diaper. Maybe he was hungry? Hungry seemed to be the most likely culprit. The child needed to eat more often than Lyric would have guessed. His eyes darted towards Jacen who had already pulled himself up. Lyric wasn't sure how he could help Jacen or really himself. "I think he's just hungry. We'll be back, just lay back down." "No more than you do," Jacen retorted, feeling unreasonably irritable at Lyric's attempts to smooth the situation over. It possibly wasn't entirely true, but Jacen felt awkward just rolling over and going back to sleep when he knew Lyric was up, and had been up the last time, and yesterday the same, and possibly would be up yet again at some point during the night because for all people made the claim 'sleep like a baby', what Jacen was discovering that meant was 'sleep a bit, and possibly soundly although it was unclear, and then wake up and scream like you were being conquered by an invading force'. When people used the phrase, it had never been in context like this, so how was he supposed to know that? He wondered if his Aunt Mara had some brilliant way of making it through these nights. Then again, Aunt Mara probably had a droid, and also, it was her kid. This wasn't Jacen's kid, and it wasn't Lyric's, and as much as it had warmed Jacen's heart to see Lyric reaching out and helping someone else, at the moment as he stared at his fiance and the small bundle of human in his arms, Jacen couldn't quite help the wish that Lyric had chosen that particular moment to be the stand-offish person he always played at being. He swung his feet over the edge of the bed. "I'll get the bottle, you two stay here." Lyric couldn't help the slight flinch from the edge in Jacen's tone, masked quickly in a blank, tired expression as he tried to soothe the whimpering child in his arms. With Elix it had been easier,s he could talk and even when she hadn't she had at least understood what he was saying to her. With Derek it was a complete mystery, like dealing with a wall almost. But he didn't know how to fix it and he had no idea where or when he would find a permanent home for the young child. They hadn't even been able to pull together a last name and so far no one in the refugees had heard of a small child named Derek matching his description. And that was even with one or two families looking hopeful and then the utter devastation when they saw the child was not their lost relative, having only heard rumor that there was a baby from Coruscant. "You don't have to." Lyric hesitated but made no motion to stop Jacen. He wasn't sure why he kept deferring, but it seemed like what he should do. He had made the choice to bring Derek back and take him in, that made the child his responsibility. Jacen was just caught up in this because he loved him. "It's hard to balance everything," Jacen muttered as way of explanation as he stood up, yawning and reaching for a shirt to slide over his shoulders as he went out to try to sort out the formula for them. "Just sit down, you're fine." Honestly, there were moments he just missed the ability to wrap his arms around Lyric, and kriff until they were exhausted and then sleep for as long as the alarms would let them. The alarms were way more generous than Derek tended to be, and with an infant in the room, it had been difficult to find the right moment for anything more than cuddling. But he knew Lyric was trying. Jacen was well aware of that. He knew that what Lyric had done bringing Derek home was the best scenario for the infant. He knew that they could offer him more here in the diplomats wing than he would ever be able to get in the refugee camp. Jacen knew too, that Lyric had tried to shoulder the most of it, allowing Jacen to help only here and there, and quick to step in. Tonight though, knowing all of that only made him more frustrated. Because despite that, it wasn't enough, and Lyric hadn't asked. And even if Jacen would have agreed - had agreed to keep the baby here - it would have been nice to have been asked. The bottle was retrieved, the formula heated to the right temperature, and Jacen plodded his way back to the bedroom. They could feed him, and hopefully that would soothe him, and he'd just fall back asleep and they could all fall back asleep. Lyric sat, obedient and quiet as he watched Jacen. This was more than he should have asked of the man and Lyric knew it. But he still didn't see another choice in the matter outside of requesting a separate room. And if he did that Lyric wasn't sure how much it would help or if it would just make each of their frustrations more noticeable. Lyric hadn't asked for a child to be put in his arms but it had been the same choice he had found with Elix and Lyric already knew what choice he would make, the choice he would always make if pushed to that situation. So he held Derek against his chest, cooing softly to try and soothe the wailing infant. But the bottle in Jacen's hands was palpable relief. Lyric's face cracked in a weak smile, nearly enough for tears that he held back quickly. Derek was adjusted in his arms as he reached to take the bottle, settling the boy into what seemed to be the position he most enjoyed feeding in. And luckily it seemed that right now that was all Derek wanted, lips latching onto the bottle and blessed silence outside of the rhythmic noise of him eating. "I'm so sorry." he offered to Jacen, knowing it didn't make up for tonight or the past week of nights. Jacen sunk back down into the bed and watched the infant greedily drink. There were a hundred things he ought to be grateful for, and he knew that, but knowing it, and not feeling it, only increased his frustration with the current situation. He pulled his legs up, putting them under the blankets again because in the night, the room was a little on the cold side. Understandable, perhaps, but it meant that now he didn't have a reason to be out of the covers, he didn't particularly want to be. Lyric's apology though crept in and sat there on his heart. Even though Jacen didn't respond immediately. He wanted to yell, he wanted to scream, but he was a trained enough Jedi, and calm enough to recognize that it wasn't particularly effective to do that. Instead he just said the thing at the forefront of his mind, the thing that kept running through his mind every time he was jerked awake: "I can't keep doing this." And that was what Lyric had been fearing to hear. That was not to say he didn't understand it. Jacen was more important to this conflict than Lyric could even understand and he needed what rest he could get. And instead of rest, of getting to come to terms with the loss of Coruscant, he had been dealing with the infant Lyric had decided to take on. "I understand." he answered, voice quiet as he looked down at Derek. He couldn't just give up the child. There were too many people already without a home, without anyone to watch after them. At worst he could track down the soldier that had found him, see if somehow he had family that could take in Derek. But he needed to know that the child would be seen to, watched after, and right now here, in the wings of the palace, it was a better life than fighting for scraps among the refugees where formula would be even more difficult to get a hold of. But maybe they couldn't be in the palace. It wasn't the worst idea, Lyric could be closer to the refugees as they needed him. "I can see if I can stay closer to the camps?" he offered, hesitant. Jacen wondered briefly at actually asking his parents if he could borrow Threepio for a while. While the droid's nanny programming hadn't been used in decades, it was still there and it could be updated, and he wasn't the worst caretaker for kids. He and Jaina had loved the droid when they were younger, even as they had likely made him burn out several circuits more quickly than he would have otherwise. The train of thought was brought to an abrupt close with Lyric's offer, the implications of it crashing into the sleep deprived fog of his brain and causing him to look up at Lyric, with his eyebrows gathering together in confusion. "What? That's not what I'm -" Jacen put his hand on the back of his neck and paused trying to gather up his words to actually make them make more sense. "I just need sleep, Lyric, and I thought this was a few days, and it's turned into more than that, which is fine. But I've got to figure out a way to get a full sleep cycle at least, cause right now even with meditation it's not cutting it and I don't know how you're doing it at all because you don't have the Force to fall back on. But you don't need to leave. That's not what I'm saying at all." "I don't know how else to help, Jacen." Lyric kept his voice low, a soft rumble to keep from disturbing the child eating in his arms. He didn't know how he was functioning, other than he felt that he had no choice but to. Sleep in his and Elix's life had always been interrupted, even as Elix got older and they could occasionally sleep in shifts to keep watch. It wasn't great that he was used to it but he was. Honestly he had likely gotten more sleep in Jacen's arms than he had in the rest of his life. "I haven't been able to find a family, and I can't just drop him on unrelated refugees that are barely holding it together as it is." he took a slow breath to keep the panic and exhaustion from his voice. "I know you need to sleep. And you didn't ask for this, you didn't ask for any of this. But if we sleep by the camps you'll be able to sleep." There was a rapidly forming pit in his stomach that Jacen could only partially blame on lack of sleep. Had they slept apart before, yes, and would they do so again in their lives? Well, probably. They were working apart now, which was different from what had happened at the beginning, but the idea of Lyric being elsewhere - of having volunteered to be elsewhere - it was apparently eliciting a stronger reaction than Jacen would have expected. "But you'll be there with him, and not here with me. Is that what you want?" He swallowed, realizing that the words had come out more terse and perhaps accusatory than he had intended. He bowed his head staring at the sheets in front of him. It wasn't what Jacen wanted at all, but he wasn't the only person in this relationship. Perhaps something like what Lyric was suggesting made sense in a way, but no - it didn't. There were not the resources at his disposal that he might once have been able to simply conjure but there were still things he could do. "Look, I can talk to Mom and Dad, and see if they'd loan us Threepio for at least some nights. Or if they need him, then I can talk to Tenel Ka, and see if I can get us an actual nanny droid. You don't have to sleep somewhere else, we just get help." Lyric's veins dipped themselves in ice as his eyes snapped up to look at Jacen. Being away from Jacen wasn't what he wanted at all but he didn't want to be put in the position to choose. Because if that position happened Lyric knew what he would have to do. While Jacen loved him, he didn't need Lyric to watch after him. Derek was an infant with no one else in the galaxy it seemed like and if he had to, he would have to choose the infant. He was too small to be on his own and they both knew it. But his throat went dry before he could answer any of that, words trapped in his chest before he could even begin to speak. None of this was about what Lyric wanted. He stared at Jacen for a moment, not sure what to say as his lover began to rattle off about droids. While he hadn't said as much to Jacen, part of why Lyric had taken such an interest in Ben was the tendency for people to just hand that child off to droids with no warmth outside of what was programmed. Instinctively he held onto Derek a little tighter, looking down at the now calmed infant in his arms. "Droids." he managed, his voice strangled as he frowned just slightly. Jacen was not so exhausted that he couldn't sense the shifts in the room. While he didn't typically try to dwell on them, and right now it would have been exhausting to specifically track them, Jacen was empathetic by nature and he tended to pick up on the cues almost automatically. Right now he found himself looking up to scrutinize Lyric's face, and the frown, the slight tightening of his grasp on Derek and Jacen found himself frustrated and perplexed both because it seemed as if Lyric didn't like the idea, but it was an obvious solution and one Jacen probably should have suggested early on. Even if they only had the child for a couple of days, it would have helped ease them both into this whole parenting sort of thing. He stopped and tried to find the part of him that knew how to be diplomatic, and see other people's perspectives. It was what he was good at so why right now did it seem like so much work? "You're exhausted," Jacen pointed out. "I'm exhausted. I can exist on a few hours of sleep, but its this uncertainty of knowing how many I'm going to get that's killing me. A droid would help both of us. It wouldn't even need to be there all of the time, but six hours every night when we both knew we could sleep undisturbed? We'd feel so much better. I know it maybe seems extravagant, but at the same time we'd be functioning better for everyone who needs us - including Derek. I -" he sighed. "I'm just trying to figure out something here. Maybe something that doesn't require us sleeping in different places. I feel like we hardly see each other as it is." "He doesn't have anyone." Lyric was quiet, honestly he didn't even know if he was talking. A droid certainly made sense from a logical point of view. People like Jacen always had droids around to pick up work, Lyric had seen it as he began becoming more familiar with the world that Jacen knew versus that one that Lyric did. But Lyric had been alone before, he'd been the child no one wanted who might as well have died in a gutter somewhere. What he would have given for someone to have cared enough to keep him around. "You want to just hand him over to a droid." Part of Lyric knew that wasn't what Jacen was saying. But his mind was spinning and soaked in lack of sleep. And the part that wanted desperately to help this child to the sacrifice of his own happiness simply saw this as Jacen pushing this unwanted child away, to get rid of something that was inconveniencing him. Lyric knew Jacen, he knew that wasn't what Jacen did to people. But that was what happened to children like Derek. If someone didn't watch out for him he'd be lost. "That's not what I'm saying," Jacen pushed back, frustration difficult to keep out. He honestly wanted to cry he was so tired and this was probably a terrible time to be having this conversation. He just didn't know exactly when would be a better time. He'd been kept running from thing to thing, and Lyric was throwing everything into helping Derek and the rest of the refugees, and they were things that Jacen encouraged, was proud of him for, even, but he also missed the quiet moments the two of them had shared. There had been so few of them recently. His bedroom, the apartment on Coruscant, the way Lyric could look at him and see past Jacen the Jedi, or Jacen the Solo, or Jacen the heap of expectations, and to just see Jacen. And in his head he knew that hadn't gone away, but right now he felt like Lyric wasn't hearing him at all. "He has us, Lyric. We're not going to leave him without care. And Threepio is a family member. He helped raise Jaina and Anakin and I. I don't know if we can get Threepio, but even if it wasn't Threepio it would hardly be just handing him over to a droid. It would be asking for some extra help so we can sleep and be better the rest of the time. It's not -" Jacen stopped. His heart felt heavy and he could see the look on Lyric's face, and he raised his gaze to take in every angle of that face. He was kriffing the whole thing up and he could tell, he just wasn't certain how to right the coordinates to get back on course. He let out a sigh. "It's just an idea." The bottle was empty, Derek now content to curl up against Lyric and start to doze back to sleep. Who knew how long this reprieve would last before the infant would need something else. A droid made sense and Lyric knew it in his mind. But his heart screamed out against it, wanting to hold the small child even closer than before. He didn't logically think that Jacen was trying to take Derek away. After all Derek wasn't really Lyric's to keep to begin with. The whole point was to find a more stable option to have him cared for. Still Lyric fell quiet as he cleaned up after the feeding. Hesitating for a moment, he came back to bed, sitting down on the edge and looking down at the yawning child. Derek was so small and alone, but in the moments when he wasn't crying he happily settled against Lyric as if he belonged, nothing but a child's trust that he would be cared for because he hadn't become old enough to know how cruel the world could be. "I just don't want him to be alone." Lyric finally answered, quiet as always as he pulled himself and Derek back into bed to lie down. Lyric's words hung in the air between them and Jacen didn't speak as Lyric laid down again with Derek content now and seemingly close to being asleep once more. Jacen turned his head to look at them both, the small infant who - so far as they knew - had no one else in the world, and the man who had taken him in without a second thought, and seemed to be capable of unending giving where the infant was concerned. Part of him wondered if they would end up finding anyone to take him, or if they would somehow have ended up with a child before they had a wedding and part of him didn't want that. He just wanted Lyric back, without the complication of this tiny little boy who hadn't asked to be here. Jacen had always considered himself someone who took care of others, but for an instant he wondered if he could to the level Lyric did - even if everyone might look at them and point to Jacen as the least selfish of the two. Right now, Jacen couldn't help but feel as if he was the more selfish and Lyric were absolutely in the right here. Jacen would try harder. He'd just have to figure out a way to find the strength from somewhere. He'd talk to his Aunt Mara or his mother even - maybe they'd know something he didn't. He moistened his lips and he shifted from a seated position down to laying again. His head on the pillow he turned to the side to face Lyric and Derek. He kept his dark eyes on Lyric's face as he reached a hand across to find Lyric's, pulling their hands together gently over Derek's small body, and gently resting them over the infant, whose eyes had closed and who stirred just briefly in his sleep. "He will be cared for; he will be loved. We'll make certain of it, Lyric. We want the same thing here. I promise," Jacen said softly, his eyes intent on Lyric's to reassure him even as Jacen reminded himself that whatever happened, there was a small child who needed a family still and that Jacen couldn't lose sight of that child in all of the fog of exhaustion. The individual placed in front of him was as important as the galaxy. It was a truth he saw Lyric live daily and one Jacen could probably take notes from. Lyric had to believe Jacen. Maybe they hadn't known each other for very long but what Lyric knew more than anything was that Jacen Solo would never lie to him. And while there were times when he doubted the world there had been so few instances where he doubted Jacen, all of which had turned out to be unfounded. Their fingers tangled together and Lyric looked to his lover's eyes to seek out that truth he knew that was there. What had been a momentary reaching out for comfort had turned into something so much more and Lyric would do just about anything to keep that. But when it came to the child between them, Lyric couldn't just leave another abandoned soul. All Derek had done was be born at the wrong time, in the wrong galaxy. Someone had to protect him and Lyric was all right being that person, hopefully with Jacen at his side until they found someone better suited. "Okay." he barely whispered as he squeezed Jacen's hand, letting their linked fingers fall back into place to protect and shelter Derek. |