Anakin Solo (anakinsolo) wrote in starnomad, @ 2015-08-31 22:36:00 |
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Entry tags: | character: anakin solo, character: lyric, character: rikki barnes, date: [61.10], location: errant venture, location: shooting star |
Who: Anakin Solo & Rikki Barnes
When: 61.10
Where: Shooting Star on the Errant Venture.
What: Rikki has a mission and she hasn't shared the details with Anakin.
Rating: Low
Status: COMPLETE
Anakin hadn't thought that Rikki believed him stupid, but he was beginning to have question that assessment because in the past few days he'd gotten the distinct feeling that people were talking about things behind his back. Specifically that they would stop talking when they saw him, or if they thought he was paying attention to them, and it was happening from a lot of different quarters. Tenel Ka and Jacen, Lyric and Elix, Jaina and Jacen, Zekk, of all people - people that Anakin didn't even think that Rikki knew, until he'd stepped around a corner to hear 'Rikki's mission', followed by a lot of brushing him off and changing the subject. Usually he was a pretty good natured kid. He didn't like aggression necessarily, despite what Jacen seemed to believe, and he didn't usually get angry, but right now he was definitely frustrated. His siblings, his friends, all seemed to know about something that he hadn't been given a word about. And it wasn't as if he and Rikki hadn't spent plenty of time together in the past few days. They'd had time while he helped do modifications on her ship, and time spent watching the stars out the viewport of the star destroyer, and time eating together. In fact, Anakin had spent more time with Rikki than he had with Tahiri to the point where he was beginning to feel a little guilty about it. No, Rikki Barnes had been given plenty of opportunities to tell him about a mission if there was one. He stopped as he hit the deck where the Shooting Star was docked and took a breath, running through a calming technique. He didn't know for certain that there was anything and he didn't know for certain that Rikki was keeping things from him, and the only way to approach this was to actually ask her - and if he was all worked up when he started, that wasn't going to do this conversation any good. He breathed in. He breathed out. He approached the ship, seriously, but without the edge of frustration - well mostly without the edge of frustration - he'd had just a few moments prior. "Rikki? Can I talk to you?" There were only a few hours left until they should be leaving. She had a final meeting with Luke and Mara, as well as smaller ones with the people she was involving. Everyone for the most part knew their part in this plan and what they were aiming to achieve. Once everyone was on board then she would be able to lay out the plan in its entirety. Now was just setting up the Shooting Star with last minute preparations and adjustments before everyone was all in one place. There was a hurry up and wait feel to the air around her that made it almost seem unbearable. But soon enough they would be in flight and then there would only be the mission to be concerned with. Anakin wasn't supposed to be here though. She heard his voice and pulled up from her manifest, going over inventory for what felt like the tenth time today. Out of habit her mind put an immediate clamp on the anxiety of seeing him. Hope, love, fear, all of it rolled into one when she looked at Anakin and that helped no one least of all her. So far everyone had kept to their word to keep him from becoming involved as far as she knew, which she was grateful for. In a few hours it wouldn't matter, he'd know he was left behind. But it would be better that way, even if it hurt. Missions happened all the time after all. "Sure, I can spare a few minutes." she set down the manifest and walked down the ramp to meet him on the dock's floor. Even with everything she couldn't hide the small blossoming joy at seeing him, even if his expression was heavier than she had seen the past few days. "Is everything okay?" Anakin didn't really smile. He didn't really want to believe that what he suspected was happening was actually happening. He'd grown to trust Rikki, and he honestly had thought it was something different when people stopped talking around him, but now he couldn't ignore the little suspicion that something was happening that Rikki knew about, maybe even was behind, and that she hadn't talked to him at all about it. And the idea that she might not have hurt for all sorts of reasons, but mostly he didn't want to believe that she wouldn't trust him with something. They were friends, and she knew the sorts of things he was capable of, and they'd talked so much... And as he approached she'd obviously been working on something... he hadn't even thought to ask her any questions about what she was working on when he'd been helping her tinker with the ship and they'd had a dozen conversations. He'd assumed that if she had something she needed his help with that she would tell him. He'd assumed, really, that she would talk to him as much as he talked to her. None of the emotional response to this was helpful, so he bit it all down to instead try to stay calm and now he tried to find a smile. "Well, I hope not," he offered and decided to just go for the direct question. Maybe she'd answer, and if she didn't, then - well, he'd have to go from there. "What are you working on?" Serious Anakin seemed to still be in place which had Rikki off of her game. The past few days had been wonderful but they had also had a distinct lack of much in the way of serious when they were together. Maybe it was her own weakness, but the happiness she felt with Anakin was an escape that she treasured. But it was also unrealistic given the war that they were all in. Something had come up and she had all too many options to think of what that something could be. But when the question came she paused, defaulting as she always did to what the simplest explanation was. They weren't exactly lies but there were so many times since she had met Anakin that the full truth just couldn't be told. And right now? The full truth was too important to risk. "I'm going over inventory." she said simply. It was a statement that told him absolutely nothing, while at the same time, potentially answering the question. But it wasn't a useful answer. It was the same sort of answer he'd gotten earlier when he talked to the others and that meant it wasn't an answer that he wanted. And it only increased his paranoia even if there was no good reason for that to be the case. He really wasn't certain there was anything to this and he kept telling himself that he was probably over-reacting, but he couldn't help the feeling that he wasn't. That there was something behind all of this, something that Rikki wasn't telling him - something the others were shying away from telling him - he frowned slightly and glanced at the manifest that she'd just put down. "Inventory for what?" For what. He was after something and honestly Rikki didn't have the time or the inclination to pry it out of him. Something was bothering him and she had a feeling she knew what it was. But she had never been one to hide, not really. Lie, yes, but only to protect him from what he shouldn't know. When it came to being put in a corner though Rikki Barnes wasn't one to back down. "For the ship." Rikki crossed her arms as she looked at him, taking note of the frown and the lines that crossed over his face. "What do you want to ask me, Anakin?" Now she was being blunt with her questions and Anakin wasn't certain he particularly liked that. On the other hand, he'd been trying to get her to answer something with some details and it wasn't going to happen on a voluntary basis, so he might as well just get very very clear. He tilted his head, looking across the ship for a second before looking back at her. "What mission are you going on? Everyone's talking - or rather they're not talking. They're just shutting up when they see me and I'm not stupid. Something is up, and that something involves you." So he didn't actually know. People were keeping their word and not involving him. Which was good in Rikki's opinion. Still apparently the Jedi weren't as sneaky as they would like to think they were. Anakin had noticed. Really she should have pushed for them to leave sooner rather than staying so long. That was her fault, but the last minute reinforcements did give her team a better chance of survival when the odds weren't entirely great to begin with. "I'm going on my mission." she said simply as she watched him. Her expression was schooled calm, careful to not let anything through. Emotion attached to this mission wouldn't do either of them any good. And emotion was far too easy a topic when it came to what she knew about this mission. "The one I've been working on since before you left." The words provided more information, but they didn't actually make any of it make any more sense. He knew she was working on stuff - not that she'd talked about it all that much - but it had been mentioned. Honestly the fact that she hadn't talked about it since she got here had almost made him forget that it was there, or if he thought about it, made him assume that she'd tied things up on Coruscant before leaving here. And the part that didn't really make any sense at all was the part where she was going on a mission and she hadn't talked to him at all. They had talked about so many things since she'd arrived and there wasn't anything he'd stopped at telling her about Tahiri, or about the Jedi, or about anything that happened on Yavin IV, or when he was out with Corran and Tahiri. Was this payback because he'd run off and not told her? But he thought they'd talked about that and he thought they'd promised not to do this to each other. And yet here he was standing in front of her while she told him that she was going on a mission - a mission that apparently other people knew about. "You're going on your mission," he repeated and he struggled to come up with what to say after that for an instant searching the ship as if it would give him some clues, finally the question came out with an edge of exasperation. "When were you planning on telling me?" She could come up with some kind of lie. It wouldn't satisfy either of them though and she knew it wouldn't. And despite what he might think in this moment Rikki cared very deeply on what Anakin thought. But the risks were too great and there was no way of properly explaining that to him. How could she? The message left with Artoo aside how did you tell someone that you knew when they were going to die? That you knew their death helped shatter their family and thus the galaxy as a result? that was more pressure than should ever be put on someone, no matter if Anakin thought he could handle it. "Afterwards." she said simply, keeping her voice calm and steady as she watched him begin to fidget, looking over from the ship back to her as if trying to find some kind of answer. "I have reasons why I can't tell you, and those reasons hold until after I get back." He frowned, because she continued to not actually make any sense. He couldn't think of any reason why she shouldn't be able to tell him. What was this mission that it was so secretive that she couldn't tell him anything. "You aren't going by yourself," he stated. He didn't think she would be stupid enough to go by herself -- she had better not be stupid enough to go by herself. But that left the question of why she hadn't asked him. After he'd managed to survive Yavin IV, after everything he'd done, and what the two of them had done together, she had to think he was capable to help her on the mission. "No, I'm not. But if it had come down to it, I would have." His running off to Yavin was different and she knew it but there were some parts that were the same. Anakin did what he did because it was what needed to be done. This was very much the same, with Rikki doing exactly what she felt was needed for the galaxy. And whether Anakin would ever realize it or not the galaxy needed him far more than it needed someone like her. "I can't explain it to you now, I can when I get back." she offered as some kind of peace. but it was all she could offer. "So you're taking someone with you, or someone's? Who? Darius? Lyric? Jacen? but you haven't even talked to me about it?" Anakin was trying to keep calm. He truly was, but the he knew the hurt was probably leaking out despite himself. Because it really did sting. It might not have a few months ago, because a few months ago they hadn't worked together at Centerpoint, or in solving problems in the Undercity, or had long conversations, or kissed. He swallowed - was this just about that? He didn't think it was, but it did make him question what exactly she thought about him. "I don't want an explanation when you get back, Rikki. I want one now." Rikki took a breath, her hands falling to her sides as she tried to keep her cool. He was hurt, she knew he would be which was why she had avoided this. But the fact remained that Anakin was the one person she couldn't allow to follow her onto this mission. It didn't matter that she'd delayed the voxyn, it didn't matter that they had Darius' help to infiltrate whereas Anakin had not. The fact remained that Anakin was meant to become one with the force on this disaster of a mission and she was not going to allow him to be stupid enough to do that. "I can't give you one now." Nerves gripped at her voice, adding an edge to it that she tried to keep back. "I need you to trust me. You said you trusted me." "You think this is because I don't trust you?" Anakin said incredulously. "Rikki, if someone isn't trusting me, it's you. You haven't mentioned a thing to me about this. Not one thing. We've had hours, that we've spent talking - and -" he stopped, his cheeks flushing. "You've had plenty of opportunity, I thought you'd just finished it, or that it wasn't something you were doing right now - instead you've been talking to people behind my back, and telling them to not talk to me. Who doesn't trust who here?" He knew that he wasn't exactly being rational, and he fought to find a cool center in the Force, but the truth was he was hurt, and he was angry, and he was a little embarrassed, because not only had she not been talking to him, she'd been apparently telling others to not talk to him. What reason had she given them for him not being talked to? "I'm not a kid, and you're treating like a kid." "I don't think you're a kid, Anakin." Rikki could feel her teeth grind against each other in a moment of flared anger. Her cheeks ran hot and she tried not to think about everything she wanted to tell him, about how much she loved him and how much she needed him sometimes it seemed like more than air. But none of that mattered because he couldn't know about any of it. He couldn't know her past, he couldn't know his future, and he couldn't be on this mission. Her own feelings aside his death left a wound in the Force, a wound that never seemed to fully heal and preventing his death was the only way she could think to erase that darkness from the galaxy. So she stepped closer, her chin held high as she looked at him. He'd grown those last few inches, she couldn't look down at him anymore. "This was my call. I told you that you wouldn't always agree with what calls I had to make. But I need you to understand that I"m doing this because I have to." "Well, not when you're sticking your tongue down my throat," he snapped irritably. And immediately realized that he'd gone too far with that comment, or probably had, and he closed his eyes chiding himself for losing his temper. He was a Jedi, he ought to be able to control his frustration better. He took a breath and opened his eyes again, but his jaw still held a determined set. "Whatever you're doing, I could help. How many times in the past week have I said I'm sick of sitting here and I need to be doing something? You're doing something, and you're keeping me out. What am I supposed to think except that either you don't trust me, or you think I'm too young, or inexperienced or something. But I thought you trusted me, and I'm not too young or inexperienced - Yavin was just me, Rikki. Just me and an entire contingent of Yuuzhan Vong. Whatever you're doing, I can help. Let me help." Whatever he said next was mostly drowned out. There was a quiet roar of rage in her ears, boiling over the ego that was surely coming out next. Anakin Solo was the savior of Yavin, he had made the choices and it had all gone well for him. But this mission was when his luck ran out and he paid a far too steep price even if he would never admit to it being. But he was still young in a lot of ways, ways that let something that hurtful and crude slip out because he was angry. The flush from Rikki's cheeks melted away in the place of cold, pale anger. After everything she had gone through for him, for the Jedi, for this entire galaxy, he would turn around and throw her own feelings into her face. "It's not your decision. It's mine." Rikki's voice came out almost eerily cold to her own ears, if the rush behind her ears was anything to judge by. Her hands flexed into fists for a moment as she kept herself under tight control. She would not yell, she would not give into the anger and pain because Anakin didn't know about any of it. But that didn't mean it wasn't still there, tearing apart her heart as an example of why she should have never let herself get this close. "And you're not coming." Anakin probably should have just left. He knew he wasn't helping anything right now, and he knew almost as equally strongly that he wasn't going to change Rikki's mind, and knew instinctively that appealing to his Uncle wouldn't assist either and would only make him actually look like a child. Her voice had turned hard, and he could feel the steely determination pouring off of her. His pushed his lips together tightening his jaw as he glared at her. "Who is going? Who do you want by your side on your mission? You never answered me. Or are you just not going to answer me and leave me in the dark on that too? All the conversations we've had, all the talk about being partners and not keeping things from each other, or running off without telling the other one - you didn't even plan on telling me did you? you were just going to leave and let me wake up and find you gone. Were you just making stuff up to make me feel better?" "This mission is about more than you, Anakin." Rikki tried to hold back her temper, to keep the snarl out of her voice but was only mildly successful. Because in part he was telling the truth. She hadn't planned on telling him but not for the reasons he thought. Telling Anakin would mean bringing him along because he was too stubborn for his own good and never gave a thought to his own safety. He would put others before himself and while she loved that about him that was also what made this mission so unbearably dangerous for him. This mission was her walking into her own death, she was almost certain about that. But it was better hers than his. She'd done enough for enough galaxies, maybe this time she'd finally rest. But Anakin still had so much ahead of him and he would bring a light that she could only imagine to this galaxy after the war. He just needed the chance to survive. So she stepped closer, as if daring him to step away from her. "This is how this mission has to be, Anakin. You're needed here." Anakin shook his head and he waved a hand around the bay. "To do what? What am I needed her for? The last time I was off of this ship was for a supply run. The only reason it became something more was because of Tahiri. I'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing of any usefulness to the galaxy. You could at least take me with you." He stared at her, not even bothering to mask the hurt in his eyes. "I thought - I - You know, just - forget it. Obviously I had everything all wrong. I'll just stay here with the other kids. Babysitting. That's what I'm good at apparently." It felt like the blood was somehow draining from her body she was so furious right now. Everything had to be about him, how he felt, didn't it? He couldn't just take a step back and trust her, just give her even a little of the faith that Lyric or Darius had put in her when this had all started. Instead he had to doubt her, had to doubt everything. And if she was outside this situation she would understand it. If their roles were reversed, when they had been reversed, she had been just as angry. But it was his life on the line now and so much more than his life. "You think I run around and get involved with people I think are kids?" she snapped, the cool finally breaking away as she reached out and shoved his shoulders. "Do you think I fool around with just anyone? Like I'm some kind of freak?" Her heart was falling apart because he thought that she didn't care, that this had all been a lark. Rikki would die for him and likely in a few days she would. But she couldn't tell him that, she just couldn't. If it came to that then that burden would fall to Artoo. "I have never done anything to make you think you couldn't trust me. I need you to have faith for one mission, one mission that I can't tell you, and all of a sudden none of that means anything?" "What am I supposed to think, Rikki? I thought what we had meant something. That we talked to each other and we told each other things that were important. You said - and I promised and I thought that went both ways. No more running off without the other one. And then here I am finding out not even from you but because I happen to overhear a snippet of conversation that you have a mission and you haven't told me anything and you don't want me on it." He raised both hands up in front of him half defensive and half pleading. "What am I supposed to gather from that? I know you didn't like it when I ran off without talking to you. And if I had it to do over again I wouldn't. But you have to know that I wouldn't be okay with this and you're still doing it which makes it different and worse -- Just leaving me to wonder where you've gone. Not to mention the fact that maybe I could actually be helpful. I don't know because you aren't talking to me - you're just shutting me out." He stopped, his throat actually feeling tight as he looked over at her. Maybe he was being unfair and maybe he should trust her. He did trust her, but this was beyond that. Couldn't she see that it mattered that she wasn't going to tell him at all. And he didn't know what he was feeling exactly but like something he'd been counting on was being torn apart. It honestly hurt more than he could have imagined that it would. "I just thought what we had was something-" he faltered. They had kissed a lot but they had never defined anything. And while he could believe she didn't just kiss anyone he could also believe that maybe it wasn't what he had thought it was. There had been so many moments where despite the darkness of the galaxy he'd felt lighter than air when she'd looked at him. And now he just hurt everywhere -- Like something in his chest had been stabbed. "I trust you Rikki, but you aren't trusting me. You're taking away the option for me to help you in this and if I just walk away how do I live with myself if something happens to you?" How was she supposed to live with herself when she knew something would happen to Anakin? If he came along, and he'd find a way if he knew what this mission was, then he would die and that death would be on her head. She was the only one with the knowledge to try and prevent it and it was her duty in its own way to do just that. But how did she say that? How did she say that Anakin meant more to her than the stars? Her throat squeezed and heat rose up behind her eyes as she tried to grasp back some semblance of calm which seemed to be the rarest feeling in the galaxy right now. "Rikki." Lyric's voice pulled her out of the heat of Anakin's look, turning to see the tall man striding forward. Despite the calm tone and the bored expression, there was a small note of concern in Lyric's eyes as he walked up to her. Suddenly she found Lyric's arm draped over her shoulder as he leaned on her, looking over at Anakin. It was a warm, protective gesture that right now she couldn't tell if she wanted or if she hated. But for now she stood in his grasp, looking over up at him with at least gratitude that there was some distraction to focus her back on what needed to be done. "Hi." her voice cracked as her throat felt thick. Tilting his head, he watched Anakin carefully. "Elix was looking for you." he said simply. The interruption pulled Anakin out of his train of thought, but it did nothing to stop the churn in his abdomen, low and bitter it seemed to be pushed out to every part of his body, making him feel almost physically ill. He and Rikki had never fought - not like this - and he didn't want Lyric's interruption. He wanted to try to finish the conversation, to maybe - what? change her mind? that seemed about as likely to happen as it was for the Yuuzhan Vong to retreat back into the unknown regions. He swallowed and ignored Lyric to focus his eyes on Rikki. The truth was that even angry at her, he just wanted to see a smile. He wanted her to say - it was all right, and she'd been stupid. He should be on this mission, and welcome aboard. He wanted to lose the horrible feeling that had come when he'd realized that he hadn't been paranoid, that she'd actually been keeping things from him. He wanted to trace a finger along her jawline and end where her dimples should be, teasing a smile out of her. He didn't want to lose her, and he didn't want to lose it because of his own stupidity, and he was feeling vulnerable and uncertain in the moment, and he really didn't want Lyric to see that. His brow furrowed in concern as he tried to push the hurt and the pain away, locking it tight. Lyric's interruption was precisely that - an interruption. And one he hadn't wanted. He ignored Lyric's statement and instead leveled his blue eyes at Rikki in a piercing stare. "If you really trusted me, you would have talked to me, and trusted me to trust you." His gaze lifted to Lyric. He didn't even bother asking who else knew. Lyric did, and if Lyric did, Anakin would lay money that Jacen did, and he knew Zekk of all people did. Zekk, who Rikki hardly even knew. Another accusation rushed to the tip of his tongue and he stepped back, biting back the accusation and finding himself with eyes that felt hot. "Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid, okay?" the words came out sharp, a defence against the tears that were threatening his eyes, but not such a good defence as to keep them away entirely, because as he turned on his heel the floor of the deck threatened to blur and he dropped his head as he stalked away, trying to keep confidence in his shoulders even though he felt anything but. |