They See Me Swimmin', They Hatin'
INTRO: Okay, so this’un here is actually what sort of catapulted me into snarking stuff. I don’t do a lot of fanfic lately or a lot of solo snarks (something I want to have time to remedy, don’tchaknow), but Fishyroth and Fincent are sort of legendary in my past. (OhgodIknowthat’ssolamegetoffymcase.) They even spawned some fanart, which I’ll probably post later. I love this fic, simply for its pure ridiculousness. Now here it is, mostly left unchanged:
Rummaging around in the FFVII fandom, as I am wont to do, I came across this little gem. It’s one of those “Let’s turn the characters into mermaids/mermen!” fics. Except there are no mermaids. Just mermen. Who have assbabies. Finbabies? Iunno. And Vincent is a BWOOTIFUL merman – I think he might be considered a merman Gary Stu or something.
Anyway, The Mating Habits of Mermen is pr-eeeetty bad.
Deep below the blue expanse of the ocean, dwelling in the colorful fathoms of the great reef, lived one beautiful mermaid+ Excuse me, Merman, named Vincent.
You’re excused! Unless you’re asking to be excused for mistaking Vincent Valentine, gunslinging ex-Turk, for a merman. If that’s the case, you’re not fucking excused.
Vincent was a beautiful sea creature with long flowing black hair, pale skin and the most mesmerizing red eyes you have ever seen. And as all Mermen he possessed a long fish tale, which began at the waist down, in place of where his human legs aught to be. But contrary to all his kind Vincent didn't have their blue coloring, which was the most common amongst them, but an obsidian one with splotches of crimson scales adorning it at numerous places. Not only that but the fins on his tale end were long and ethereal and hued with crimson same as the rest of his body.
Vincent is a Gary Stu merman. No wonder all the mertadpoles pelted him with chunks of coral when they were in pre-school.
All in all Vincent was the most beautiful sight your eyes may ever lay on.
Excuse me, sir and/or madam, my eyes are very chaste, and I will have you know that they do not lay on anything!
In the Mermen society there were no females
Is it because they killed them and ate them to make better way for the ass-fin-babies?
(Just because I say so)
Oh. Well, that’s not a good reason at all! D:
and therefore it was up to the males to continue the species
Too bad they couldn’t because it was anatomically impossible. The mermen all died out, and the story ended. Move along, people, nothing to see here.
And it was mating season. But unlike all the rest of his kind Vincent had no interest in finding a mate.
All the mermen, independent, throw your hands up at me!
He much preferred being alone and swimming freely in the endless blue without some domineering, snob partner breathing (Anorexic Whale: You forgot they have gills and don't breathe)
LOLOLOL MAKING FUN OF MYSELF, THE AUTHOR, IN THE AUTHOR NOTES. HURR.
Only his father, respecting his son's wishes, and being very fond of him and his happiness would toss them all out and receive his son's grateful hugs.
“Oh, thank you, Daddy! Those icky suitors are, like, so getting on my nerves.” “Get off me before I rip your fins off, you abomination.”
Vincent loved the reef. It had much to offer. From the colorful tapestry of the underwater landscape, to the abundant life that dwelt amidst the aquatic botonic life. He found their presence far more tolerable than some of his own kind.
“Vincent, what I have told you about petting stray fish? It’s dangerous!” “But da-aaaad, I’m just trying to be friendly.”
So under was he that he never felt the other presences around as they watched him.
Hey, can mermen have surprise buttsex? I mean, I dunno, maybe I’m not hip to the ass-fin-baby fish anatomy jive or whatever, but I’m thinking it’s a no?