an_mutt (an_mutt) wrote in spork_squad, @ 2011-01-04 23:18:00 |
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The Original series page 3
an_mutt: uh
an_mutt: is aeriscon a real thing?
Mae Bedlam: Google seems to be leaning towards no
Mae Bedlam: And it's just making me picture a convention filled entirely with Aeris cosplayers of varying quality
an_mutt: And they're all fat dudes?
Mae Bedlam: Yes.
an_mutt: "Oh, well, I better get packing my SECRET AGENT stuff."
an_mutt: Thanks, quamp, I forgot I was reading AGENT Fangirl for amoment, there
Zeiss Manifold: Okay judging from the topical references throughout, I'm gonna guess that the plot involves SAG being mailed too many AOL trial discs.
an_mutt: How can you run out of comic material less than three pages in
an_mutt: and have to resort to service provider jokes like that.
an_mutt: HOW?
an_mutt: THREE PAGES.
Zeiss Manifold: ...How long had Quamp been planning to make this?
an_mutt: Five years, according to the commentary of the first page.
Zeiss Manifold: okay that is balls
an_mutt: "Originally, Kimiko's cellphone had a ringtone taken from the Live song "Mother Earth is a Vicious Crowd.""
an_mutt: Excuse me guys I need to update the Agent Fangirl Wikipedia
Mae Bedlam At least half of those years spent whoring out commissions.
~*~*~five minutes, along with an additional sporker, later~*~*~
Narwhal: link me to the shit you're making fun of
Zeiss Manifold: we're only on like page 3
InkWeaver: CAN I RECAP IT FOR HER
InkWeaver: LET ME DO IT
Zeiss Manifold: alright already inky geez
InkWeaver: RECAP: quamp made this comic about some chick named Agent Fangirl going to a con and it has kind of shitty art but the point is quamp is lame as all fucking hell.
InkWeaver: And makes jokes like Get'r Done
InkWeaver: more than once
Mae Bedlam: TWICE ON THE SAME PAGE
InkWeaver: and you know what I really just want to give quamp a noogie
InkWeaver: it seems the appropriate punishment for all this
Narwhal: i can do this
Narwhal: MMHHMMMM
Zeiss Manifold: readers you cannot tell but narwhal's very own tusk is rotating very rapidly, that means she's excited
Zeiss Manifold: just rarin' to go
Narwhal: hahahahah
Narwhal: my body is ready
an_mutt: I like how in the artist's comment the actual artist provides no comment.
InkWeaver: NO GUYS THIS IS QUAMP'S MASTERPIECE
InkWeaver: I wish I had some alcohol.
an_mutt: Here we have quamp bleating on about fucking ringtones for his mary sue.
an_mutt: Then "art by *artist icon*"
Mae Bedlam: From his favorite band, obvs
an_mutt: The band he slow danced to in his high school prom
Zeiss Manifold: man it figures that his favorite band is LIVE
an_mutt: back in 1975
Zeiss Manifold: that's like Train for dudes
Narwhal: Dude, it's like all of the boobs are straining towards the viewer, like sunflowers to the sun. They defy anatomical accuracy to stare at you.
InkWeaver: Guys why do we pick on quamp so much
InkWeaver: is it because we dislike quamp or is it because he represents an idea
InkWeaver: an idea of badness
Zeiss Manifold: oh god
Zeiss Manifold: the platonic quamp
an_mutt: an idea of GET'R DONE
Mae Bedlam: He's not an idea, he IS
Mae Bedlam: He just IS
InkWeaver: You know, bottom left panel isn't too bad as far as art goes.
InkWeaver: But top left, face on the left, disturbs me so greatly I can't even appreciate it.
Mae Bedlam: Now that I look back at that first panel, I finally noticed the little "close" onomatopeia
an_mutt: Oh, the onomatopeia gets much worse than that later.
Zeiss Manifold: also note how quamp fucked up the page in photoshop
Zeiss Manifold: HAW HAW
an_mutt: But I don't want to ruin the surprise.
Narwhal: I dunno, it's pretty average fare as far as the quality goes. He tried to mimic the style of printed manga what with the halftone dots, and he isn't dreadful persay, but you can see he struggles with anatomy and proportion.
Zeiss Manifold: nah man he hired an artist, you missed the debriefing
Narwhal: what
Narwhal: someone was paid
Narwhal: what
Zeiss Manifold: yeah
Narwhal: what
Zeiss Manifold: which is why i'm laying low on the art front
The Original Series Page 4
Narwhal: There
an_mutt: Thanks for both the "Click" AND the "HANGS UP" there, champ.
Zeiss Manifold: THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHAT SHE DID WITH THE PHONE
Narwhal: There's a part of me that refuses to believe that anybody who didn't write this drivel would have the stomach to draw it. Holy Christ, the recession has hit the art community hard. The things people will do for money.
Mae Bedlam: It helps if you read all the sound effects in Strong Bad's Teen Girl Squad voice.
an_mutt: Second panel: WHO NEEDS TO ACTUALLY DRAW THE EXPRESSION? A SILLY ANIME STEREOTYPE THING IN THE SPEECH BUBBLE IS ENOUGH.
Narwhal: This is just painful. A non-joke about "phone solicitors"? Nice one Geriatric Seinfeld.
InkWeaver: It's like she's having a conversation with herself.
InkWeaver: He's saying something that has NOTHING to do with how she responds. So far she's like HE'S A PERVERT fifty times, and he's done nothing to warrant this except have a shitty name making fun of an anime trope.
InkWeaver: FUCKING SUCK LESS
InkWeaver: PLEASE
Zeiss Manifold: guys guys it's AGENT NOSEBLEED. We're going to meet AGENT POCKY and AGENT YAOI PADDLE and AGENT FANSUB next I'll bet
an_mutt: Oh, I can't wait to meet AGENT FANSUB DRAMA, AGENT FANSUB's close relative.
InkWeaver: And AGENT FUNNY TRANSLATION, their stepbrother/cousin
Mae Bedlam: There sure are a lot of Japanese names for an FBI branch in Fort Worth, Texas.
an_mutt: Hahaha, I know.
Mae Bedlam: WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE QUAMP'S HOMETOWN, FYI
Narwhal: In the bottom left panel her boobs are so offended they seem to be detaching and storming off.
InkWeaver: Her face shifted to the side on the bottom right panel, in order for there to be an expression there at all.
Zeiss Manifold: oh god is it really
Mae Bedlam: Ooh, we forgot AGENT LOLICON, but then most people don't talk about him much
Zeiss Manifold: quamp really wishes some blandly characterized secret agent fangirls would whisk him mildly away into a land of injokey adventure
InkWeaver: I like how we need an indicator that she turns away, as if we couldn't tell she did so.
Narwhal: So let me get this straight
Narwhal: He paid good money to have this guy draw ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING, right?
Narwhal: And he has him piddling around with telemarketers.
Narwhal: And standing around talking
Narwhal: Is he that boring and repressed?
InkWeaver: Is it me, or does quamp name every single one of his original female characters Kimiko?
Mae Bedlam: It's not a uniquely Quamp thing, there are actually a lot of Kimikos in webcomics.
InkWeaver: What are you suggesting quamp have him draw, nar? Carcrushers?
Narwhal: The fuck if I know, I'm not the one starting a webcomic, but I'm guessing this is as good as it gets. I expect there to be a joke about airplane food and maybe a panty shot if we're lucky.
an_mutt: Second to last panel: look out, there are truck lights right behind you!
Zeiss Manifold: *TURNS AWAY*
InkWeaver: What is this sound effect in that panel?
InkWeaver: DUHM!
InkWeaver: What is that? I cannot figure it out for the life of me.
Zeiss Manifold: goddamn quamp leave something to the damn imagination
an_mutt: It's like that one episode of South Park
Zeiss Manifold: he clearly has a VERY SPECIFIC VISION
InkWeaver: ...is it sad that it took me more than half my current life to figure out how "Airplane food--what's up with that?" was a joke?
an_mutt: "Joseph Smith, he was a prophet! DUHM DUHM DUHM DUHM DUUUUHHHHMM!"
Narwhal: Maybe we're envisioning this all wrong
Narwhal: Maybe Quamp meant for there to be an epic soundtrack
Narwhal: but he couldn't pay a composer
Zeiss Manifold: or Devo
an_mutt: Haha, I just noticed, "Surprise!"
an_mutt: Guys, I don't know if I like quamp spoon-feeding me narrative.
Narwhal: Yeah, "Surprise! Your legs are melting!"
InkWeaver: It's like he thinks we're idiots or something.
Zeiss Manifold: or UNCULTURED SWINE
an_mutt: "Surprise! You now have the legs of a wild boar!"
InkWeaver: There is something seriously wrong with her bodily contortions in that middle panel.
Narwhal: What I would love to see would be the notes quamp gave this artist
InkWeaver: Oh my god. Those would be golden all on their own.
The Original Series Page 5
an_mutt: LEAN
Zeiss Manifold: HE'S A PERVERT
Zeiss Manifold: JUST TRUST ME ON THIS
Zeiss Manifold: HE DEFINITELY IS
InkWeaver: Is this just
InkWeaver: is this just a comic about quamp doing lame-ass nonsequitors
Narwhal: What an environmentally conscious manifestation of Quamp's repressed sexuality!
an_mutt: Inky: so this is The Room in graphic novel format?
Narwhal: Perhaps next in this thrilling adventure we get to see her compost heap.
InkWeaver: Or maybe watch her grass grow, with word-indicators as to how they are growing! Maybe some really faint action lines to indicate slowness!
Mae Bedlam: Were those keys actually drawn?
an_mutt: They look bevelled and embossed.
Narwhal: I can tell you those cars were live traced from a photo in the end panel.
Narwhal: seriously, if someone paid you to draw this shit you'd cut corners, too
InkWeaver: You think? I mean, look at her opening the door. No way the quality shifts that much in such a short space.
InkWeaver: Maybe that's it. Maybe it's not that the artist is bad, but rather, they just didn't give a shit.
an_mutt: I doubt the artist gave much of a shit considering she's had nothing to say thus far.
Mae Bedlam: OH MY GOD SHE'S STUCK IN TRAFFIC
an_mutt: Not a "I enjoyed this page alot!" even.
an_mutt: I think there's a Bulbasaur in the bottom corner of the panel with the keys
Mae Bedlam: I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY FUCKING SEAT RIGHT NOW
Narwhal: it's not as if Kimiko Goes to Whole Foods is going to make him famous
Narwhal: He knows this is just marshmallow for quamp's personal sundae, he don't give a fuck
Narwhal: quamp's money is just as green and spendable as the next lonely hentai fan with disposable income.
InkWeaver: you know if I had the money to fucking PAY someone to draw something for me
InkWeaver: I goddamn wouldn't be doing this boring-ass shit
InkWeaver: FIGHT SCENES
InkWeaver: SEX SCENES
InkWeaver: FIGHTING SEXING SCENES
InkWeaver: SOMETHING!
Zeiss Manifold: ANIMALS ON FIRE
Zeiss Manifold: i mean GOD quamp
an_mutt: quamp I don't understand agent fangirl appears to be outside her car one minute and the next she's IN HER CAR and i need more narrative spoon feeding guys
Zeiss Manifold: i mean it's your money do what the hell you want but DUDE
an_mutt: like, what happened between her being out of the car and in the car?
an_mutt: I mean she's holding the door handle but I need *words* in my graphic novels
InkWeaver: Did she... did she move or something?
InkWeaver: We didn't SEE it happen. That's just bad narration, right there.
Zeiss Manifold: man we're like five pages in and the plot might as well be about zoning boards
Narwhal: if i were a milkbreath hentai nerd and i was paying my own goddamn money for a comic, it would be fucking insane. it'd look like rule 34's lsd nightmare.
Narwhal: you want to see women bitching just watch The View
an_mutt: For the sexually humble quamp this IS his equivalent to the lsd nightmare.
Zeiss Manifold: I guess Quamp just saved up a lot from his job as lid-foil inspector at the wheat germ factory
an_mutt: Bad jokes, perverts and, well... I'll leave the last one as a surprise.
Narwhal: he has to have some insane outlet, i refuse to believe otherwise
Page 6
Narwhal: there is no way that this man, drowning in a life of quiet desperation, doesn't have some ukranian mail order bride duc taped to a used examination table in the basement
an_mutt: Here it ceases being "The original series", as from her on out the artist is being burdened with submitting the images.
an_mutt: Even she sees through this bullshit.
Narwhal: INITIAL D
Mae Bedlam: At this point the artist was just like, "Fuck it, I'ma cut out some pages from my driver's manual and scan them right in."
Narwhal: Digiyoko anime and video games, that's super fuckin neato
an_mutt: *downloads picture of car*
an_mutt: *saves as PNG 8 with two colours*
Zeiss Manifold: ART CHANGE
Zeiss Manifold: FEEL YOUR COMIC MELT, QUAMP TO CLUMP TO BAD TO BLAND
Narwhal: Doroteo's Auto Repair
Narwhal: A subtle shout out to his main food group
Narwhal: cool ranch all the way, brother
Zeiss Manifold: okay why is everything blank
Zeiss Manifold: quamp was spending money on this and he couldn't even be assed to SPECIFY THE ANIMES
Zeiss Manifold: i find that hard to believe
InkWeaver: The Anime.
InkWeaver: Store.
InkWeaver: WHY HAS NO ONE NOTICED THIS
an_mutt: THE ANIME STORE
InkWeaver: THE ANIME STORE
InkWeaver: For fucking real
InkWeaver: C'mon quamp
Mae Bedlam: IN A STRIP MALL IN TEXAS
InkWeaver: you don't get shipments of ANIMES
Zeiss Manifold: pure distelled anime
Zeiss Manifold: available in box or tub containers
an_mutt: Next I'm going to go to the EXPANDED PRODUCE AND RETAIL GOODS SUPERMARKET
an_mutt: And then return to my RESIDENTIAL HOME HOUSING.
InkWeaver: DON'T FORGET THE BODY PARTS FIXER
Narwhal: What the fuck is up with that one rack of manga in the picture that's hidden behind all the others? Is that manga reserved for people with really long arms? [ed. note: it's slendermanga]
Narwhal: In the last panel it seems as if there's a hole in between her jugs that's ingesting her shirt
InkWeaver: No, that's just her jugs ingesting her shirt. Like a mouth.
InkWeaver: "Thank God I can rent these instead of AKSJDAS:KLJDASKDJASD"
InkWeaver: WHO
InkWeaver: THE FUCK CARES
InkWeaver: quamp is like mediocrity perfected
an_mutt: I like to think, what with the impossible hair and the different font, that Agent Fangirl is talking to a robot.
Zeiss Manifold: the storeowner is a bastion of listlessness by quamp standards
an_mutt: WELCOME TO DIGI TOKYO BOOP BOOP
Zeiss Manifold: quamp's doing character sketches, listen
Zeiss Manifold: "i bet she has legs, she seems like the kind of person who has legs"
Narwhal: I'm trying to focus on the individual pages, but it's so fucking boring i know i'd just be flipping through it. thank god this never went to print. if it did, i think the artist would have included a flip-through animation in the corner of someone making a "you serious?" face and then walking the fuck out.
InkWeaver: If I wanted mundanity of this level, I would've just recorded my own fucking day and then rewatched it.
Mae Bedlam: Seriously, is there any market for a specialized anime store where you have to go out and RENT stuff these days?
Mae Bedlam: Even Blockbuster just threw up their hands and made a Red Box knockoff.
InkWeaver: nope!
an_mutt: There certainly isn't over here.
Narwhal: So is this going to just be like Twilight where it's insinuated that action could happen (she's a secret angent, after all) but in the end nothing really happens, EVER? We just watch her sort laundry and clean up cat vomit and do her checkbook?
an_mutt: narwhal: she does, surprisingly enough
an_mutt: It's just quamp can't write pacing in the slightest
Narwhal: Seriously, quamp, this is like paying for a prostitute and spending the whole time crying to her about your childhood. And you've probably done that, too
Holy fucking shit, there's another update coming right around the corner!