A FEARLESS SPORK SQUAD HALLOWEEN SHINDIG SPECTACULAR: JACK CHICK'S "STINKY" Delcat: Zeiss, the trick-or-treaters are almost here. Are we good on candy? I picked up an extra bag of Clit-o-Honeys, but I don't know if it'll be enough. Zeiss Manifold: What, you want these kids to break their teeth? That stuff's like biting into granite Kix. Gummi dongs, on the other hand...kids love the taste and moms love the lack of opaqueness when they get to checking the candy for razors and shit. Zeiss Manifold: And SPEAKING of something completely opaque, we've got a Chick tract to finish up! Delcat: They were all sold out of most of the good shit, man. I nearly got trampled getting the last box of Pop Cocks. Delcat: I think they're defective, too, they go off way before you put them in your mouth. Delcat: Must we really? God, I think watching Saw VI again would be less painful, and I do not say that lightly. Zeiss Manifold: It's for the children. Delcat: Stupid children. Zeiss Manifold: Stinky children.
Delcat: LA LA LA LA LA LET'S SIT UNSUPERVISED ON A CURB ON HALLOWEEN AT MIDNIGHT, SURELY THIS IS THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION Delcat: Uh, yeah, not buying this. The only kids who dress as angels for Halloween are the ones who aren't allowed to dress as anything else. And that's IF they're allowed to go at ALL. Zeiss Manifold: Yes, let's wait on a deserted Victorian tunnelway and wait for the Ripper to stop and say hello! Zeiss Manifold: Notice how Chick jumps STRAIGHT to Revelations to even define who Jesus is. Delcat: I'm pretty sure that's the only book of the Bible he has. That, and those portions of Leviticus that pertain to gays and being uptight about them. Delcat: Seriously, what is wrong with these kids? They're stopping to read the tract but not eating the candy? GORGE YOURSELF, SWITCH COSTUMES, AND FILL THE SPACE YOU MADE GOING BACK DOWN THE BLOCK Delcat: And the girl goes to Sunday school but this stuff is new to her? How does THAT work? Zeiss Manifold: It explains a lot if you imagine that they're only allowed to trick-or-treat on Fundie Street. Nothing but books from everyone. I know we saw them legit trick-or-treating earlier, but seeing how Chick gave the entire Satanic mythos a whirlaround for this one, I doubt consistency was big in his mind. Delcat: Zeiss...are you suggesting the situation of children going trick-or-treating and getting nothing but religious paraphenalia? Zeiss Manifold: Have I touched a nerve here Delcat: You know what saying that to me is like? That's like saying to an average person, "You know what those orphans got for Christmas this year? CHOLERA" Delcat: I AM CRYING, ZEISS Zeiss Manifold: Go to the next page! Maybe we'll be too baffled to cry.
Delcat: Elephant in the Room: Yo. Delcat: Uh, yeah. What can we even say about the civil rights joke, here? Delcat: Elephant in the Room: Black people are lazy? Delcat: No. ...no. It's probably more about the gays, anyway. Delcat: Elephant in the Room: Hey, I can do homophobia too, I'm flexible. It's my job. Delcat: Please stop talking or possibly existing Delcat: Zeiss, does this have the added unfortunate implications of the whole angel/demon division being race-related? Zeiss Manifold: That, and the added unfortunate implication of the whole angel/demon divison being Jack Palance-related as well. Delcat: Seriously, what the hell even, Chick. What. The hell. Even. Zeiss Manifold: Does the bible also say that your mouth is just a taught drum of skin over your teeth that someone punctured with an awl? Delcat: Maybe she's the Seventh Seal and she's just been opened? Zeiss Manifold: "And then a crowd impossible to number, carrying flowers, shouted amidst the hotless sun, the lightless moon, the windless earth, the colourless sky: 'HURR POLITICAL CORRECTNESS DURR'"
Delcat: Do you see two faces, or a derp in a cowboy hat? I can never see the derp in the cowboy hat in that one. Zeiss Manifold: They tried to silly-string the cross on cabbage night, but LO IT WAS DEFLECTED Delcat: *sigh* Zeiss, I am so tired of snarking this panel over and over and over again. I think for every five times we do it, we should get one wild card free. Delcat: Although this one is unique in that the girl's face looks really, really drawn on in its off-center-ness, to the point that it looks fake and like she's actually a creature from the Uncanny Valley with her disguise peeling away.
Zeiss Manifold: They're going to find out about this hell business pretty damn soon if they don't move away from the giant Van de Graff. Delcat: Tesla frowns on this entire operation. Delcat: "Being sodomized by hideous monsters for all eternity in a river of boiling blood? Ha ha, ouch, that's a cold one!" Delcat: Meanwhile, Stinky's angel dust trip is reaching its violent conclusion Zeiss Manifold: (Later) Stinky went into acute sugar shock and hallucinated that he was asking Monkey D. Luffy for help. Delcat: With his hands spontaneously breaking at random angles, his eyebrows turning into worms, and his eyes falling into a classic 6_9 position, all that's left is to pry the screwdriver from his hands and clean up the blood and hair Delcat: His lawyers will later plead the Full-Size Snickers Bar defense Delcat: Meanwhile, Brokeback Billy cultivates his mump. Just the one. Delcat: (seriously I just can't stop staring at his eyes and cracking the fuck up) Zeiss Manifold: (DURR WEEEEEOHWERRRRRRR)
Zeiss Manifold: "Phew!" said the crotch. Zeiss Manifold: Yep, Hell with its vast stocks of demonic potential just sends one tweaker upground to wreak havoc on humanity during the most fitting night of the year, and he just ends up getting quadrospazzed on smarties and just sending a complimentary bucket of "Why Can't Muhammad Float?" Delcat: You've got a wide stance, there, Billy. Something you're not telling us? You into chaps in chaps? Roping and branding? Riding bareback? Or did your mom sew you those pants and they ended up just being one big seam? They look like they're about to spontaneously break it down in an impromptu dance routine. Zeiss, what demon governs impromptu dance routines?back to HQ. If Satan is this damn incompetent, do we really need Jesus to begin with? Zeiss Manifold: It's a complicated procedure involving the position of the stars and potential awkwardness of losing one's pants in a situation.
Delcat: *head in hands* Delcat: Oh, Lord. Satan's a Jew. Is...are...has Chick just been drawing racist caricatures for so long he can't NOT draw them? Zeiss Manifold: That, or he's Xavier Cugat after a horrible nightcrawler-hunting accident. Delcat: DON'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR THE MAN ZEISS Delcat: HE CAN ANSWER FOR HIMSELF Delcat: Pumpkin: ^_^ Satan: wtf is this weeaboo bullshit Zeiss Manifold: Satan also has duck feet because what the hell Delcat: Everyone thinks they're such sweet little things Soft downy feathers and nice little wings But there's a poison I'd like to administer, You think they're cuddly but I think they're sinister Delcat: Sneering and whispering and stealing your cars, Reading pornography, smoking cigars Nasty and small undeserving of life They smirk at your hairstyle and sleep with your wife Dressed in black jackets and horrible shoes, Getting divorces and turning to booze plus all that rape and necrophilia stuff y'know DUCKS, DUCKS DUCKS, DUCKS SATAN Zeiss Manifold: \m/
Zeiss Manifold:JEEEEEEEESUS Zeiss Manifold: Man this is the sketchiest Chick track I've ever seen, and I mean that literally Zeiss Manifold: It's like the printer ink finally ran out and he just took a photo of the cocktail napkin he drew it on. Delcat: I like Droopy Demon there. "Hello, all you happy sinners." Delcat: with the random hand coming out of his torso Delcat: So apparently Satan is so delicate that sixteen cents' worth of paper can push him over. "OOOOH, MY RHEUMATISM!" Zeiss Manifold: Tracts just zooming around him like Howlers Delcat: Satan like has asthma and a soy allergy Delcat: and is gluten-intolerant Delcat: And is vulnerable to oranges Zeiss Manifold: Sponges give him a rash. Delcat: Not washing with them, mind. Just looking at them. Delcat: And his voice sounds like five thousand petulant seagulls on helium. Delcat: also he chipped right through his throne, there, better get on that programmers Zeiss Manifold: There is also what appears to be some sort of Pillsbury Cthulhu at his behind
Delcat: Panel 2: Rorschach was here. Hrm. Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: For being denizens of Hell, these guys fucking suck at cussing. Zeiss Manifold: "BATS AREN'T RATS!" "Hey, who's telling this tract, you or me?" Delcat: Cursing, even. You'd think they could throw off a good curse, at least. "May your eyeballs explode with leeches" or something. Delcat: You call this a tract? My five-year-old could draw better! Seriously, I think it's gotten to the point where even Chick's ghostwriters are too old to draw.
Zeiss Manifold: Carl Sandburg's last words. Delcat: Remember, kids, others getting punished for YOUR mistakes is funny and good! Delcat: Man, those flies. You know if you zoom in close enough, they're actually tiny Stinky heads? I hear it took an extra 300 hours of animation and hardly anyone notices. Zeiss Manifold: Production on this tract was stalled after Chick fired tens of artists on the doorstep for having "skin-texture of foul bewickedness." Delcat: But those 24 years of development were SO worth it. Look at those lines! Totally unsquiggly! Zeiss Manifold: *crooks Del off stage again* Delcat: THAT WASN'T EVEN A PUUUUuuuuuuuun
Zeiss Manifold: Hey kids, we sure had a lot of fun with Satan today Delcat: "Hey, kids, hell is no joke, but my existence sure is!" Delcat: Children, as written by a 120-year-old man. Zeiss Manifold: And now everyone say it with us Zeiss Manifold: AND THAT'S NOOOOO GOOD Delcat: Want to know what the real Halloween scare is? Zeiss Manifold: Chick's army of toner gnats? Delcat: That hat? His head just keeps going up. Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: And that's somewhere we never want to go again, my friends. Delcat: Remember, kids, stay safe! Wear reflective tape, always go out with a friend, and get your candy checked for YAAAAAAHS at your local YAAAAAAH station before eating it! Happy Halloween! Zeiss Manifold: And a flight of demons sing thee to thy rest.
*BEHIND THE SCENES BONUS*
Zeiss Manifold: AND THAT'S NOOOOO GOD Zeiss Manifold: *GOOD Zeiss Manifold: *oh my god I made a Nietzschean slip