"WIERD SORA" Delcat: Ladies and gentlebutts, we are proud to have a Narwhal in our midst once more! Which...like, you already knew, but...shut UP. Delcat: Anyway, you all know I'm a pervy bastard. So when a namefag on /y/ decided to dump all of his porn folders to Megaupload, well, I jumped at that like an alcoholic fish jumps at corn liquor, or however these charming country metaphors go. Zeiss Manifold: So you've found us one of your patented Mystery Comics? Narwhal: All I'm getting from this is that you frequent /y/ Delcat: Unfortunately, despite the promise of great yaoi, 99.8% of the folders actually consisted of horrible furry TF porn and other assorted horrors. You've seen some before (it involved a giant flash drive) and now see some more! Who knows what's inside? Just me! These other poor bastards are about to be taken by surprise! ...fuck, I sound like the back of a porn DVD. Zeiss Manifold: ...You got any of that corn liquor left over from that metaphor? I might need it. Narwhal: Furries: how to make anything unimaginably worse Delcat: Without further adieu, here's "Wierd Sora", a tragedy in twelve pages.
Zeiss Manifold: is this poser is this poser it hasn't loaded yet but i bet it's poser Zeiss Manifold: FUCK Delcat: And yes, before you ask, this is the first page. Delcat: Explanations have no place here. Narwhal: Dude, you put the hamster tube in the wrong end. Delcat: No, no, there's one on the other end too. He functions as a full Habitrail! Delcat: ...Zeiss, stop Googling "gay furry habitrail fetish", we don't want a repeat of the gout community debacle. Zeiss Manifold: I think they're reenacting the guinea pig-torture scene from that http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/3_Dev_Adam">Turkish Spiderman movie, but they wronged the hole Zeiss Manifold: "Cum and chemicals"? Zeiss Manifold: What do they think cum is made of? Aether? Delcat: Over the lips and past the gums, look out, Ma, I'm full of cum! Narwhal: "Does the cum serve an actual purpose?" "No, I just thought, 'Hey, why not throw some come in there?', and it just sort of happened." "Spur of the moment, then?" "Yeah, you could say." Delcat: "No, please don't machine-rape me with other people's bodily fluids!" "Well, ex-CUUUUUUUSE me, Princess!" Zeiss Manifold: Nobody fucks with the inanimate carbon rod! Zeiss Manifold: I love how he just slaps the ring gag on, too
Narwhal: WHELP Narwhal: This just took a nosedive straight into the bedrock Zeiss Manifold: shit, they grabbed one of the *radioactive* carbon rods Zeiss Manifold: ...that'd be the worst superhero origin story ever. Is this where we're headed? Delcat: Now, it may look like laziness, but the lack of color here is actually a stylistic choice. When interviewed, Xe' stated that he wanted "an effect like all of the joy and wonder being brought into the world in the Wizard of Oz, but in reverse". Delcat: "Just suck that beauty and awe right out of there. Heh..."suck"." Zeiss Manifold: "Xe"? Is that another chemical motif? Xenon doesn't react with anything, being a noble gas and all, much like how Xe obviously never interacts with people who don't find irradiating video game characters into dogs to be faptastic. Delcat: I don't know whether they wrote "cum" on the dish to make sure it wouldn't be mixed in with the rest of the Tupperware later, or if they just have the worst dog names ever. Delcat: The most shocking thing here, of course, is the maverick concept of a TF sequence making someone's cock SMALLER. There was rioting in the streets over that one. Zeiss Manifold: B-but...that's like having a TF sequence where someone LOSES hair, I mean it just isn't DONE Narwhal: If the phrase "here comes the lipstick" appears anywhere in this comic, I'm going to eat a bullet. Delcat: Oh, if only their tastes were that pedestrian...
Zeiss Manifold: Home Depot Dementors. Narwhal: Is that an anteater or an elephant in the last panel? Zeiss Manifold: I think it's a Drowzee. Delcat: Yeah, I really don't know who this is supposed to be, which is really surprising given that Orgy XIII consists of twelve hot guys and one canonically sadistic chick. You could seriously have your pick of any of them. I'm thinking Vexen, though, 'cause...you know, Hojo connections. Delcat: I dunno, Narwhal, which would be less painful for us, the readers? Narwhal: I sure know which would be less painful for Sora's asshole. Zeiss Manifold: He's gonna get raped by a stupid anteater! Delcat: I love the logic here. "This tape, on the outside of the last vestige of your organ walls, will make sure you don't hemmhorrage horribly. Somehow. It's Spellotape, okay?" Zeiss Manifold: Uh...wouldn't that just make the whatever-it-is' cock stick it's head on the - NEXT PAGE NEXT PAGE Delcat: First, guys, here's a frequent-reader trivia question! Can you remember what Del has a morbid phobia of?
Zeiss Manifold: Shellfish? Delcat: THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKING ELEPHANTS Delcat: AND GUESS WHAT? THIS ISN'T HELPING Zeiss Manifold: To be fair, you can't exactly TELL it's an elephant Delcat: THAT MAKES IT WORSE Zeiss Manifold: or tell that anything is anything for that matter Narwhal: The worst part is how much time this person put into this. Narwhal: Seriously Narwhal: This took weeks Narwhal: You know it took this dipshit *weeks* Zeiss Manifold: It looks like someone tacked Homestar's face on a Diplodocus. Delcat: They took out the color because they realized otherwise they'd snap under the intense porn-making strain Zeiss Manifold: He spent like two hours trying to get the proportions of the balls right Zeiss Manifold: You KNOW he was looking up all sorts of nature photographs for reference Zeiss Manifold: and in the end all he was left with was a mass of pencil creases on his paper, nearly worn through by erasing Delcat: Other contenders for "worst thing": The giant unused text block, the Slender Man impersonation Mystery XIII is doing, the pointed display of the elephant cock being so big it should logically bifurcate Sora in a messy manner when in fact it will do no such thing Narwhal: I remember a time when bad guys had better shit to do than rape people with elephants. Narwhal: Seriously, what is he getting out of this? Narwhal: "Mua ha ha ha! You now have a gaping bunghole! Victory is mine!!" Zeiss Manifold: He just likes to watch. Delcat: Well, you know how the Netherlands finally outlawed bestiality porn? Yeah, there are niches that need to be filled here, not limited to Sora's.
Delcat: Panel 1: This comic is why Krystal can't enjoy her sandwich. Narwhal: Oh my God, the transformation montage of butts Zeiss Manifold: Okay, I gotta get this off my chest Delcat: Sing it, Zeiss. Zeiss Manifold: ...Do furries know that lions and the like actually exist OUTSIDE of The Lion King? Like, I know that there are a thousand worse things on this page and LK is part of Kingdom Hearts canon anyways and me ranting like this kind of runs tangent to my reference-seeking joke above, but in EVERY piece of TF crap we've seen it is like TRACED from Disney movies. Delcat: Well, to be fair, that's because it is. Zeiss Manifold: ...I can't really tell what the hell is happening in any of these panels anyways, so my mind wanders. Delcat: I thought you were gonna go off on how furry cocks are always pink, even when the rest of the animal is not, which makes no fucking sense if the animal doesn't have a sheath, and like hundreds of them DON'T, INCLUDING elephants. ELEPHANT COCK IS GRAY, YOU BASTARDS, DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH. I BET YOU'D ENJOY IT ANYWAY. Delcat: Also, elephant cocks are prehensile. No, seriously, that's true. Thank God they DIDN'T do the research, as an afterthought. Zeiss Manifold: The sense of coherency here is lower than the collective blood pressure at a Vangelis concert. I mean REALLY Narwhal: You know, I never knew that about elephant cocks. Because I never needed to know. Narwhal: Never. Delcat: You see, it's because elephants are big and heavy and basically the bull needs to fuck his lady without his BODY moving so it won't crush-- Zeiss Manifold: You forsake your innocence the second you joined our Squad, Nar, and you know it. Don't you remember the initiation rites? The Ono Gauntlet? The Paddling Of The Swollen Cap With Paddles? Narwhal: Dude, I'm not clutching my pearls, I just never had a reason to google elephant dick. Delcat: And they can use it as a fifth leg when-- Narwhal: This person had a good one, and they didn't do it. Delcat: Man I feel like nobody is listening to my fascinating elephant dong facts Narwhal: I am, and wondering why the fuck you know so much about elephant dicks. Zeiss Manifold: She went through the rites too. Delcat: I am a scholar in this area, I totally saw two elephants fucking in Disneyworld's Animal Kingdom Delcat: Also, Cracked.com. But mostly Disneyworld elephant fucking. And Cracked.com. Narwhal: Ahahahahaha, at Disneyworld. Narwhal: Dumbo exibit, I presume Delcat: It aint' just the EARS that are oversized.
Narwhal: He's wearing him as a condom. Delcat: You say that like you've never seen a grown elephant wearing a Keyblade-wielder-turned-lion-cub as a condom for the express purpose of fucking said lion cub's girlfriend before. Zeiss Manifold:
Narwhal:
Narwhal: SHIT Narwhal: JINX Zeiss Manifold: nuh uh i capped first Narwhal: I'm not about to quibble over it Narwhal: You can have the honors Zeiss Manifold: even the elephant looks shocked at this turn of events Zeiss Manifold: you know this can't be good for him either Zeiss Manifold: the distended spine continually poking at his junk... Zeiss Manifold:HEAT wave Delcat: Yeah, I am sympathizing with the elephant right now. It didn't sign on for this madness. Narwhal: Guest Appearances: King Babar Delcat: Oh man, acknowledging that a video game character may have feelings for a member of his own sex? Now THAT'S edgy!
Narwhal: Hhahaaha I think they did a pretty believable job on his facial expression right before he gets shoved in Narwhal: The elephant's face ahahahaha Delcat: Alternate text for that panel: "Wait...Kairi's a GIRL?" Narwhal: I'm loving the Spike Lee angles Zeiss Manifold: Luckily, her vagina was made out of Silly Putty Delcat: Nah man, the TAILS are the single best part of this thing. Zeiss Manifold: the worst that happened was that Sora's snout got covered in newsprint Delcat: Like, I knew a lot of cat "language" before, and now I know the "signs" for "Holy shit I am having another cat rammed into my vajeener" and "Holy shit I am being rammed into another cat's vajeener and also drippy elephant dong". Zeiss Manifold: So this is really a Kingdom Hearts / Lion King / Human Centipede crossover with a babushka doll twist Zeiss Manifold: Babushka HOLE, should I say Delcat: I'm not even sure what's going on in the center of the last panel, the colorist apparently lost track of what he was going for and just used the Fill tool where the fuck ever. Delcat: Did I already tell the story about how Disney Adventure put "Taping the gerbil" in under their slang section in one issue as "Doing very well at something"? So to be fair, this whole cat-taping thing is Disney-endorsed. anyway. Zeiss Manifold:
Zeiss Manifold: DO I HAVE TO TYPE IT ALL AGAIN Zeiss Manifold: SHHHLUCK THIS COMIC Zeiss Manifold: DO THEY THINK DISNEY JUST MADE LIONS UP Narwhal: Lion King party in Kairi's vaginaaa! Delcat: Panel 4? 5? WTF?: "Oh, bother, Pooh's stuck in the honey tree again." Delcat: Lower left: "Don't mind me, I'll just fold my legs up into my abdomen here...ahh, that's better." Zeiss Manifold: I just see him giving a little tap and sending Sora shhhlushing slowly in, like a broken vending machine accepting dollars Delcat: And then spitting him back out halfway again, so he shoves harder and holds his paw over the slit. ...what am I saying D: Delcat: I like Myst...oh, hell, just call him Hojo, I'm pretty sure out of all characters it'd be Hojo in there...I like Hojo's bemused interest in the elephant spooge. "Huh. Look at that. Yeah, that sure is elephant semen. Wait'll I tell the boys back at the lab about this." Delcat: Jumbo, feeling horribly used, returns to his comically huge shower to cry and scrub himself Narwhal: Scar is like, "Shit, he won't go in! Is he face side up?: Maybe a corner is folded..." Zeiss Manifold: he's about ten seconds away from just grabbing the butter and making do Delcat: "If I'd just had some quarters, none of this would've been necessary!" Zeiss Manifold: this is the TWELVETH TIME this has happened today, I'll bet
Delcat: I'm pretty sure I made something like that abomination on top in Spore. Narwhal: Fun Fact: Disney lions can digest 300x faster than normal lions! Delcat: I want to e-mail just that panel to all my friends to see what their interpretations of it is. Delcat: Like a furry TF TAT. Delcat: Only instead of TAT standing for "Thematic Apperception Test", it stands for "Tits And Tits". Zeiss Manifold: And she's digesting her through his ass, which if I remember my ass science gives it a 5x digestion multiplier Narwhal: Del Narwhal: These are DISNEY lions Narwhal: Of COURSE they can digest through all orifices. Narwhal: They're also brilliant pianists. Delcat: Furries are simple folk like that. Delcat: Hey, I'm not objecting. It's just like that scene in Boku no Sexual Harassment where they upend a bottle of Wild Turkey into a dude's ass, except it's a bottle of Wild Lion. Should've killed HIM, should be killing HER, but I'm not objecting! Narwhal: Plugging's bad, mmkay? Delcat: I love Panel 2 so much. "Sora? Dude, what are you doing back there? ...okay, whatever, just don't eat that panini in the fridge, I'm eating it." Delcat: That's what SHE said! Or...should be saying. Zeiss Manifold: I like the third panel myself. All that lion went straight to her jowls.
Delcat: Okay, dude. What the fuck is this. You delight our senses with the spectacularly gradient-colored elephant balls, and then you give us this line-art no-panel crap? Bitch, you are not even TRYING anymore. Zeiss Manifold: So at this point is Sora just a homogenous intestinal paste or what Zeiss Manifold: what is happening Narwhal: Liking the PenisCam Delcat: I'm not. It looks like a fang jutting out of someone's gums and into an inexplicable breast. Also the breast is hollow. Narwhal: It's just so cute to see what they imagined it looking like Narwhal: In their fervid, heated moments doodling this in OpenCanvas Zeiss Manifold: Looks more like a tropical fish playing a hornpipe. Narwhal: Hoping mom didn't walk in to nag about school in the morning Delcat: And oh, dat blowfish BLOW~! ...wait, wrong Disney movie. Delcat: Guys Delcat: Guys Delcat: ...guys. Delcat: Where...where is Nala's lower half? Delcat: I checked ahead, and he's not absorbing her, he's just fucking her. Delcat: So...WHERE IS IT? Zeiss Manifold: We checked the PenisCam, right? Narwhal: Inside Scar's secret pocket. Delcat: If someone gave me this out of context I would assume he had strapped on half a lion as a secondary cock Delcat: And I would not question it, because TF does that shit Delcat: BUT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE AND YET DOESN'T Delcat: THEY'RE SO USED TO DRAWING INEXPLICABLE ANATOMY MELDING INTO ITSELF THEY CAN'T MAKE SENSE ANYMORE Narwhal: Kairi: This isn't helping at all. Delcat: Scar: I say, a partial eclipse of the sun! Look! ...why aren't you looking? Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: Man, even Xe' is bored with this now. "Fuck, am I STILL doing this Kingdom Hearts horseshit? There's not even drippy prehensile elephant dongs in it anymore!" Delcat: "Better grab the Sharpie and shit something out real fast. They won't care if I don't edit the obvious mistakes, right?" Delcat: SPOILER: In fact, they don't. Zeiss Manifold: He's become so bored he started playing tic-tac-toe on the page Zeiss Manifold: Except since his development was fucked up he thinks people play it with 'U's instead of X's and O's Delcat: See, this is where dialogue is your best friend. Just a quick little "AHHH MY BELLY IS EXPENDING I AM PRAGNENT" would save us all the moments spent uncomfortably wondering why her gut grew a set of herpes-infected lips. Zeiss Manifold: Those are lips? I thought it was a melon. I could go for a delicious melon right now and I wish this comic was a melon. Zeiss Manifold: so that I could BURN IT Narwhal: Is there football commentary being made somewhere? Narwhal: And if they get the sperm across that field line on her Disney lion udder, well, Jim, they just might take the game." Delcat: That, or a blank, gaping eye that sees straight into the soul of the beholder. Delcat: Hurr...melons.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh great, we're in an Aphex Twin video. Narwhal: It really WAS a vending machine Delcat: Now, credit where credit's due: Kairi's face is the most singularly expressive thing I've seen so far. It's the perfect mix of "what the fuck", "what the shit", and "what the shitbuggeringfuck", and frankly matches what I'm feeling EXACTLY right now. Narwhal: Seems like the Organization XIII guy changed into more casual attire for the birth. Nice hoodie. Delcat: That having been said, I think we've all learned a lesson from this. Narwhal: I think all I learned is that we need to really spell it out for those 8th graders, because the person who made this is a little confused, Delcat: Namely, from the day we arrive on the planet, and blinking, step into the sun, there is more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be donged. Delcat: There's far too much cock to take in here My vagina would burst when it crowned Delcat: But the balls rolling high In the sapphire sky Keep great and small on the endless round Delcat: IT'S THE CIIIIIIIRCLE OF FUUUUUUCK Delcat: AND IT RAPES US AAAAAAALL Delcat: THROUGH DESPAIR AND...MORE DESPAIR AND DESPAIR AND WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK Delcat: 'TIL WE FIND OUR PLAAAAAACE IN THE CUNT UNWINDING Delcat: IT'S THE CIIIIIIRCLE, YEAH THE CIRCLE OF FUUUUUUUUCK Narwhal: So fucking majestic Zeiss Manifold: i just came a zebra Delcat: I cried, I did. Narwhal: Why is there no page 13 where Rafiki comes to hold up the baby Delcat: Man do you really want more overstated animal ass in this, 'cause I'VE had my fill Narwhal: I just marvel that there's a KH/elephant/lionking!furry contingent out there. Narwhal: That's just so bizarrely specific. Zeiss Manifold: Furries and Lion King just go together anyway, so that narrows it down Delcat: I liked how she acts like it's such a trial to push out a tiny kitten when she's already had an entire lion shoved up there. She should be shooting that thing out like a NERF pellet. Narwhal: Is there clash between the Indian vs African elephant fans? Zeiss Manifold: I STILL don't get where the baby came from Zeiss Manifold: was Sora just deformed from gastric pressure what happened Narwhal: The magic of Disney Delcat: It's supposed to be Sora, dude. Like, reborn. As a girl. Delcat: ...SCIENCE?? Narwhal: Vending machine Narwhal: He could have gotten lucky Zeiss Manifold: yeah i'll go with that Narwhal: "Hey! There's a baby lion Goofy in here! Someone must've gotten theirs stuck." Narwhal: And thus, he would know the joy of everyone who's gotten a two-for-one deal at someone else's expense when using a vending machine. Delcat: The only possible way I can see this idea coming to pass is as this super-extended fuck-fantasy. Like, he's jerking off and jerking off and he just can't make the magic happen, so his mind wanders all the hell over the place trying to find the fetish sweet spot. "Uh, fucking machines! No...TF, yeah! But, uh, two of them! ...no...elephant dongs! Living condoms! Gerbil-taping! Inflation! Rape! Pregnanc--OH YEAH PREGNANCY THAT'S THE ONE" Zeiss Manifold: I just can't believe he took the time to DRAW IT Zeiss Manifold: I mean, those kinds of fantasies are inherently unstable Delcat: Yeah, we've all been there to some extent, the difference is this idiot tried to both explain and share it. Delcat: If I did that every time I got distracted while jerking off, there would be so more many Cid/Vincent/Did I Leave the Oven On fics out there, for srs. Delcat: And in case you guys in the audience out there are wondering why I'm not posting the next page...that's it. Seriously. That's all there is. Show's over, kids. No, I don't know, either. Narwhal: There's probably a horrid sequel Zeiss Manifold: Well, I sure learned a lot about lions today. To learn more about lions, visit your local TF library. Narwhal: And remember kids, if you see a lion, get in the car.
Epilogue:
Zeiss Manifold: oh my god Zeiss Manifold: Del, why don't I let you pick snark material more often Zeiss Manifold: this shit just GRAVITATES towards you, doesn't it Delcat: That porn folder was a solid gold find, I'll admit. Zeiss Manifold: like you were a big greasy neckbeard in your past life who died while choking on an anime figurine, except his soul collapsed into a singluarity and still resides in your body Zeiss Manifold: and it attracts ALL THE BAD PORNS OF THE UNIVERSE Zeiss Manifold: you are a WONDER OF SCIENCE Delcat: Hey, fuck you too! Delcat: Couldn't you put it like I was Gypsy-cursed by a neckbeard or something? That shit stings D: Zeiss Manifold: one can't be held responsible for our past lives, Delly Delcat: I HAVE NEVER BEEN A GREASY NECKBEARD >O Zeiss Manifold: not in this life you haven't
Epilogue II: Narhwal offers this as her sole comment-