THE BAD ALBUM COVER ROUNDUP, EPISODE 5 Zeiss Manifold: Hello all! We've invited our Special Guest Narwhal for another hard-rockin' bad album cover roundup. Narwhal: Enough pillowtalk. Let's do this. Zeiss Manifold: Yes, let's.
Zeiss Manifold: Right to left: A human sauerkraut, guy from Journey (nude), guy from Journey (bedazelled), and Michael Cera's dad. Narwhal: If in the first 30 seconds an album cover makes you ask yourself, "Is that a tattoo or just a design on a flesh-colored shirt?" you know shit just ain't right. Zeiss Manifold: If in the first 30 seconds and album cover makes you ask yourself, "Is that a sleeve or just some sort of rash?" you know shit just ain't even more right. Narwhal: I'm sorry, I was momentarily distracted by the nipple staring me in the face. Zeiss Manifold: A nipple on a standee, no less. Narwhal: There's like a two minute gap in the timestamp between those comments Narwhal: You know how if you look at Goatse long enough, you notice he's wearing a wedding band? Narwhal: Same thing goes for the clearly photoshopped-in necklace that Ladyboy John Lennon and his exposed nipple are wearing. Zeiss Manifold: This cover would be 50% less good if any other word besides "BABY" was emblazoned on it Zeiss Manifold: Like, this is just an average meeting of the Altona Infantalism Fetish Club Zeiss Manifold: complete with Farrah-hair
Zeiss Manifold: Guy from LOST: The James Hetfield Years Narwhal: ... Narwhal: I can totally see why they're best friends. Zeiss Manifold: It's those two kids from high school who would talk about Transformers nonstop and never be seen with anyone else Zeiss Manifold: except grown up and hippie-fied Narwhal: Oh God oh God I'm noticing how the necklace curves inwards as it rests upon his generous man bosom and oh God. Narwhal: And the other dude shaved *everything but* his neck. It's clinging to the underside of his chin with both pubey hands. Zeiss Manifold: Fun fact: Guy on the right actually holds the patent for Michael Bolton's hair. Narwhal: No. You can /not/ touch me there. Please stop leaving me voicemails.
Narwhal: I spy two ladies that are ready for this jelly. Narwhal: And some guy with glasses and a ski cap seems to be peeking out from behind dat ass. Narwhal: Delicious D (as I'm sure nobody calls him) does look like Waldo's overpriveledged douchebag cousin. Zeiss Manifold: The thing is that I can understand everything besides the nuke. Why is it there? To show that his wonky-perspective'd cars, Todd McFarlane's Booty Figures and pile of giant play money are just a second away from being incinerated, thus pointing out the impermanent nature of worldly goods? Sounds kind of deep for Kid Rock Lite. Narwhal: And if those were MY lunchlady arms I'd be a little more restrained about showing them off. Narwhal: He's like, "Somebody call the vet, ;cause these puppies are SICK."
Narwhal: I am perturbed most by the sure knowledge that these Trolls came from a private collection. You know they did. You know that somebody involved in this band owned. These. Trolls. Narwhal: I'm also imagining a scenario in which the Umpire Troll and the Prisoner Troll are twin brothers who made very different choices in life. Zeiss Manifold: They're not trolls, they're WISHNIKS. The Transmorphers of Troll dolls. Narwhal: Like dollar store Barbies (Darbies)? Zeiss Manifold: Yeah, except....wishier. Narwhal: In that case, they might have been purchased for the shot, which means someone thought this was a good enough idea to spend money on. Zeiss Manifold: I know I'd rather spring for the giant pack of Shasta if I was in a Dollar store. Narwhal: WAIT WAIT WAIT Narwhal: Wait Narwhal: Have you read the song titles? Narwhal: This is fucking bullshit! Narwhal: These aren't original songs! Narwhal: Mary Had a Cute Wishnik? Narwhal: What did that son of a bitch do with the lamb?! Zeiss Manifold: REJECTED TITLES: Wishniks (Are Make of These), 21st Century Wishnik Man, Wishnik Thong Song Narwhal: She's shakin that thing like who's the Wish with a look in her eyes so scandalous Narwhal: Also, I love that you love King Crimson Narwhal: Said the Wish man, to the Troll Man Narwhal: The Way You Wishnick Tonight Zeiss Manifold: ...The Night the Lights went out in Wishnik... Narwhal: Sometimes when we touch Narwhal: The honesty's too much Narwhal: And I have to close my freakishly round eyes and hiiiiiddeee Zeiss Manifold: Father? Yes, Son? I want to kill you. Mother, I want to...AWWWWISHNIK
Zeiss Manifold: "...My butt got flat!" Narwhal: Molestation is not a funny thing, Sammy. Narwhal: His motorcycle seems to have left him behind. I have to admit, the fiery pits of hell do look a lot more appealing than being groped by Buddy Jesus. Narwhal: It's making for the fucking hills like the Von Trapps. Narwhal: And it really pisses me off that Satan doesn't punctuate. Zeiss Manifold: "And it was right about that Jesus interrupted my D&D game! I'll let my disembodied hand tell you all about it!" Narwhal: And there's also a guest appearance by Voldemort in the lower left corner. Narwhal: He's like, "I must have those pants!" Zeiss Manifold: Wait...the bike's riding on lava! It must be the *real* Jesus! Narwhal: Jesus hopes he's wearing non-streak deodorant. Narwhal: "Peace, my child. I have bestowed upon you the protection of clinical strength." Zeiss Manifold: Well, I wanted to go for an even five tonight, but while we're on the topic of Jesus...
Zeiss Manifold: There's no Jesus stuff on the cover and I can *still* divine it's a Christian record. I'm getting too good at this. Zeiss Manifold: Or maybe it's just the Wonderbread tie. Narwhal: Anybody who listens to or creates contemporary Christian music is fairly easy to identify. They're either sporting a fannypack or a dull, glazed expression coupled with tragic hair. Zeiss Manifold: "I must slick back EVERY HAIR ON MY HEAD" Narwhal: No man Narwhal: If you look closely Narwhal: There is one chunk out of place Narwhal: Near the hairline on the left Zeiss Manifold: I can explain that away, that's from when he went into the wind tunnel to check if his hair was solid enough Narwhal: You know he was privately furious with himself when the albums came back, already printed. Zeiss Manifold: Naturally, one got loose. Narwhal: What does the dedication say? Narwhal: I can hardly read it. Narwhal: Also, Darrell writes like a girl. Zeiss Manifold: Nothing says "closeness to God" than "grape-flavored suit"! Zeiss Manifold: I could just lick the lapels off of it. Narwhal: He was stuck in a white robe his whole life if depictions of Christ are to be believed. I can see him appreciating a snazzy dresser. Zeiss Manifold: That suit doesn't have a good outlook though. It's about to take the "next step" into HOT LAVA Narwhal: No, man. Look, this looks pretty 70's. I can almost forgive the suit. It's the sickly yellow button-up shirt that exactly matches the polka dots on his tie that really gets me. Narwhal: That's some serious matching. Zeiss Manifold: oh my god you're right Zeiss Manifold: he must have wanted this shoot to be PERFECT Zeiss Manifold: like it was the only time in his life he was ever going to visit a volcano Narwhal: You can tell he waxed his eyebrows. Narwhal: And patted on some baby oil Zeiss Manifold: You can tell he waxed his FACE Narwhal: "I hope this pose hides my hips." Zeiss Manifold: Man this cover just has so many riddles hidden within it Zeiss Manifold: Thank you, Ken's cousin Darrell, for making our lives a little brighter.