VINTAGE ARCHIE TIJUANA BIBLE Delcat: Zeiss, I don't know, it seems really unlikely you found a Hartley comic I wasn't able to. Zeiss Manifold: Nah, it's not Hartley - it's actually one of the early Archies. I thought it would make a nice antidote. Delcat: Really? Well, I dunno, I always found them a little bland, but that was in the nineties. I guess the earlier ones might have had some more pep. Delcat: ...get it? Pep? Huh? Huh? Delcat: Like the...name of the company that...oh, fuck it. Zeiss Manifold: I'd hope not. Back then, pep was manufactured from coca leaves and the bones of factory workers.
Zeiss Manifold: Archie was originally concieved as a talking onion, not many people know that. Delcat: Whoa, this IS vintage. They couldn't even afford full outlines! Delcat: Or more than one staple! Delcat: And yet, the action lines are out in full force. Zeiss Manifold: Or Betty! Delcat: And only half the supporting cast. Just Jug, not Head.
Zeiss Manifold: She's not nude, shirts just worked differently in the thirties. Zeiss Manifold: Wherever would you get that idea. Delcat: Well, this is a pretty straightforward plot. He's got a really ugly dress, right? Or a sub-par diamond ring? And she'll get all mad and shit, and then he'll end up at the malt shop with Jughead, but that's okay 'cause they're soulmates anyway. Zeiss Manifold: Actually, it's a giant Archie pop-up book Delcat: "Get back in my pocket, Mr. Snail, I am trying to make a phone call!" Delcat: What is going on with her hair? I'm seeing it sweeped around her head and then her hand is just a...fleshy bonewrench, or something. It's creepy D: Delcat: Man, Archie's face is so simplified I could draw him in ASCII without even trying. Let's see... {|:>) Delcat: Only a little rounder. And a lot dumber. Delcat: Isn't he supposed to have a # somewhere? That must have been a later character development, after that Waffle Iron Accident arc. Zeiss Manifold: You can tell it's pre-Hartley 'cause they could only afford two punctuation marks.
Zeiss Manifold: Aww, he was even nice enough to cook! Delcat: Cocanuts (sic) and meat? Must be shrimp. Zeiss Manifold: He's fixing a veritable meat buffet for his sweetheart, isn't that neat? Delcat: Or his own arms, given that twisted, dismembered silhouette. Zeiss Manifold: It looks more like he wants Veronica to RETURN THE SLAAAAB Delcat: I don't understand why he brought his toolbox, though. Oh, wait, he must have been working on his car beforehand! You're right, Zeiss, this is fun! It's like Lateral Thinking Archie! Zeiss Manifold: Which pretty much kills off the rest of my doubts re: Hartley associations. Delcat: Yeah, if it'd been Hartley, he just would've done a bland meat-and-two-veg for dinner and Archie would've spent all his time screwing around in his backseat. Zeiss Manifold: With a pelican.
Zeiss Manifold: Well, that's one way to thaw a shrimp. Delcat: Ahhhh, she's gonna get salmonella D: At least it's not a jumbo shrimp, so it shouldn't take long. I hope she takes the time to devein it, though. Delcat: She seems to have become a Muppet, while he's channeling a Howdy Doody doll. ...wait, he ALWAYS did that, never mind. Zeiss Manifold: He looks more like a green pepper. That shrimp must be spicy! Delcat: Hey, he provided fine wine! How gentlemanly! Except...THEY'RE UNDERAGE OMG :O Zeiss, is that the next plot twist? The fuzz are gonna arrest 'em so underage shrimp-thawing? Delcat: "Oh, Kamina dropped his glasses!" Zeiss Manifold: Come to think of it....'thirties, Prohibition...this isn't a PSA comic, is it? Delcat: HARTLEEEEEY Delcat: *wait Delcat: HARTLEY'S GRANDFATHEEEEEEER Zeiss Manifold: ELMER P. HARTLEY THE SECONNNNNNND
Zeiss Manifold: I'm beginning to think there may be something up with this comic. Delcat: Like this is really unhygienic? I'm expecting Gordon Ramsay to burst in any second. Delcat: "This is totally BLEEPing unacceptable! I am closing this BLEEPing kitchen down!" Delcat: Or that her head isn't fully outlined, so her neck has apparently inflated to the entirety of the panel? Zeiss Manifold: That, or it's a Veronica-shaped Easter Island statue Delcat: "Veronica, we may not be as rich as you, but we do have cups. Please stop drinking straight from the faucet. You are not a water balloon." Delcat: SLURP SLUP GLUB, gross. It's like Femboy School, only non-pornographic. Zeiss Manifold: Meanwhile, Archie has a staircase leading up to his spleen and a fetching pair of contemporary leather club pants. Delcat: And Coraline's Other Mother has lost her hand again, and it's PISSED AAAAAH
Delcat: This waterslide is dangerous! Someone's going to get hurt! Delcat: Good thing Archie is rushing to save her, despite trembling in cowardice! Delcat: And his apparent transition into a merman! Zeiss Manifold: And despite water-induced damage to his elbows. They're almost drowning! Delcat: Look, he's even grown gills on his sides! What a brave and ingenious young man! Zeiss Manifold: And he's making sure Veronica doesn't drop that pork chop into the pool, either. Delcat: So much meat! This must be that meat feast they were talking about in Nippon Heroine 3, only non-pornographic! Delcat: I wonder who that obviously different person behind Veronica on the slide is. And where Veronica's calves went. Delcat: They must be thinking with portals.
Zeiss Manifold: Is that gash in her leg really why Archie's flopped? Delcat: No, she got the gash when she tripped on the slide. He's trying to pack the wound with the shrimp. Bad idea, Archie! Bad idea! Heat it up first! Delcat: This is actually a shot from above, and he is lying next to her to comfort her. He's so sweet! Zeiss Manifold: Now the shrimp is going to lay its eggs inside Veronica and the baby shrimp are gonna eat her up from the inside D: Zeiss Manifold: Is that how shrimp work, it's how Hartley told me shrimp work Delcat: No, no, it's all right, it's a good shrimp Delcat: It is a medical professional Delcat: It is rushing through her bloodstream to her heart to cure her case of the vapors with a tonic Delcat: hopefully that will reattach her head Delcat: and her other arm Zeiss Manifold: But why is Archie turning into Jimmy Stewart? Delcat: It is part of the healing process, don't question Dr. Scribbles, he went to eight shrimp years of shrimp graduate school for this
Zeiss Manifold: Archie's proud of his shrimp. Delcat: Wouldn't you be? He's a doctor, don't you know? Delcat: Look how much better he made Veronica feel! Delcat: So much better, she has six fingers now! Delcat: And a hoof! Zeiss Manifold: Yeah, but he had to dislocate her leg to fix the problem. Delcat: Hey, it's a complex procedure, okay? He also had to dislocate half of Archie's fingers and amputate his left arm, but HE'S not complaining. They all feel great about it! Hooray for this "morphine" confabulation, it is a fine tonic! Zeiss Manifold: I gotta say, not too many people appreciate Upton Sinclair's run on Archie. Delcat: More lard! MORE LARD AND MORE SOCIALISM, BY THUNDER! Zeiss Manifold: BUT WHERE TO FIND THEM?
Zeiss Manifold: HERE WE GO Delcat: Truly, the ravages of capitalism is a gash we all have our heads trapped in. Only the lubricating lard of socialism can save us! Delcat: Those leggings sure have survived a wild and wacky adventure. Zeiss Manifold: It's nice of that chicken man to cover that woman's decency, I must say. Delcat: I should say so. This was very nearly a spicy book! We could've seen her petticoats! Delcat: And now EVERYONE has twelve fingers! Huzzah for this increase in fingerness, which shall lead to an increase in production! This is the American way! Delcat: Archie's so excited he's throwing up the jazz hands! What a crazy kid! Zeiss Manifold: I gotta say, the Archie characters were acting a tad off this time arond. I wonder what was - wait, what’s that on the last page?
Zeiss Manifold: I KNEW IT Delcat: ALL HAIL HYPNOBETTY'S GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER, HYPNOGLADYS Delcat: And years later, a team of treasure hunters uncover Archie's head from the briny depths of Veronica's gash, and discover a picture of Gladys wearing a priceless shrimp diamond. As a single tear runs down her face, Celine Dion begins to sing... Delcat: Or maybe that's just the morphine tonic talking. Delcat: Well, Zeiss, any last comments?* Zeiss Manifold: Nah, I think this one speaks for itself. Hentai was weird back in the day.
*Yes, this is actually where all surviving copies of this comic stop. BAD END.