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Rufayette Morgenschoss (zeiss_manifold) wrote in spork_squad, @ 2010-05-22 09:22:00

THE BAD PORN ROUNDUP - EPISODE 4
In which Inky decides to sit in - but will she survive?

Delcat: ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR TRIAL BY JPEG
Zeiss Manifold: INKY, ARE YOU READY TO FACE THE FIRE?
InkWeaver: YEAH
InkWeaver: *grabs fire extinguisher*
Zeiss Manifold: COME, DEL, LET US PROCEED

Selection #1

Zeiss Manifold: Fuu: HOW ANUS WORK
InkWeaver: So.
InkWeaver: Here's my question.
Delcat: Just one?
InkWeaver: Why in the name of God would you do this to me?
Delcat: Dude, you ASKED for this.
Zeiss Manifold: No one said this was going to be easy :D
InkWeaver: Why in the name of any Holy being, relic, or anything else, would you do this to me?
InkWeaver: THIS IS A MATTER OF MY MOST SACRED ANIME.
InkWeaver: WHAT IS THAT
Delcat: Kyaaaah, her doingle is so cute! I want one!
InkWeaver: You know what, it's not even your fault, it's like... this artist's fault. I was bound to come across this at some point. It was fated.
Delcat: Yeah, that's the first thing I noticed. I've been at this a while.
InkWeaver: IF you love something so deeply, it's only a matter of time before the internet fucks you up the ass with Fuu's Tanto blade.
InkWeaver: ...please god is that supposed to be Mugen
Zeiss Manifold: Yes, and his whole upper body has been flattened by the looks of it.
Delcat: So this is what Samurai Champloo is about? Yanking flaccid cocks like you're milking a cow?
Delcat: And necks like inverted Dixie cups?
InkWeaver: That's a fucking enormous cock if it's flaccid. Goddamn, don't get it near me when it's erect.
InkWeaver: And, uh, no.
InkWeaver: No but seriously.
InkWeaver: IS THIS MUGEN'S ANUS SHE IS VIOLATING.
InkWeaver: I daresay it is.
InkWeaver: I'm pretty sure, if she were like "Oh hay anus time, tanto go" he'd be like "AHAHAHAHAHAHAH" *blade through the face*
Zeiss Manifold: It looks kinda too demure to be Mugen, but the clothes match.
Delcat: I like that her hairpins aren't actually going into her hair, but straight through her skull. No wonder she's all HURP DURP DURP.
InkWeaver: I don't see a face, really, just a body.
InkWeaver: Nah, her hairpins are PASTEDE ON YEY
Delcat: Cheer up, Inky! Maybe he's unconscious!
Zeiss Manifold: His balls are retreating back into his body via his pelvis.
Delcat: Can you think of anyone in-canon who would roofie him?
InkWeaver: Okay.
InkWeaver: Maybe this is like an optical illusion but
InkWeaver: what the hell is that weird black mass
InkWeaver: am I not visually comprehending this out of sheer horror?
Delcat: They're making a |3 face.
InkWeaver: Probably Mugen himself would roofie Mugen, really. He drinks like a goddamn fish.
Delcat: No, you're not visually comprehending this out of it being visually incomprehensible.
InkWeaver: WHAT IS THE BLACK THING IS THAT, LIKE, MOLD OR WHAT
Zeiss Manifold: So, uh, have I broken you yet? 'Cause I don't want to deprive Del of all the fun.
InkWeaver: Oh god, I wonder if this was before or AFTER the episode where she tries to pawn her Tanto Blade and the guy's like "Nope, no value". I wonder if he could SMELL THE ASS
Delcat: There you go, then. Mugen got plastered and someone drove hairpins into Fuu's skull so she went stupid and started jamming stuff in stuff to taste the colors.
InkWeaver: Are you guys seriously trying to break me? After Ariake and Femboy school?
InkWeaver: HAH!
InkWeaver: Nothing can destroy my fangirl fetishism for dirty, smelly, murderous, foul-mouthed Samurai.
Delcat: There, there, Inky. Let's move on to violating a fandom I love.

Selection #2

Delcat: Alucard: AYYYYYYYYYYYYY
InkWeaver: First thought: HOW I DO FORSHORTENING
Zeiss Manifold: I keep expecting Alucard to morph into the PARTYTIME dog. Is this a .gif?
InkWeaver: Second though: Where the fuck is his torso.
InkWeaver: Third thought: Her vag is lumpy and puffy and full of pus or something.
InkWeaver: Looks... pussy.
InkWeaver: HAH!
InkWeaver: ...oh man I CRACK MYSELF UP
Delcat: The expressions absolutely make this one. Seras just looks so PISSED.
Delcat: I mean, Seras is so absolutely submissive and sweet in the series, so it's kind of interesting to try to figure out just WHAT is so enraging about Alucard's cock.
InkWeaver: Well, I think she looks pained.
Zeiss Manifold: She DOES. Before the lower half loaded, I thought she was going UGH WHAT IS THAT UGH
Delcat: I'm voting for the fact that her head is twice the size of it.
InkWeaver: With the swollen way her vag looks, the way she's gripping her own boob, and the fact that her Master has misplaced his torso (also his ass-cheeks, if the way this is drawn is anything to go by), then I'd say she has good reason.
Delcat: THE MONSTER CALLED SERAS IS ATTACKING THE CITY
Delcat: AND BOY IS HER PUSSY SORE
InkWeaver: OH GOD
InkWeaver: And what the bloody fuck happened to his knees.
Delcat: You can tell Alucard is a classy fella 'cause he took off his pants but left the boots.
InkWeaver: That's like the first thing I see because HE HAS NO TORSO SO THAT's EYE LEVEL NOW
Delcat: OH GOD I DIDN'T SEE THAT. It...oooooh, I hurt just THINKING about it.
Zeiss Manifold: You're worried about his knees? You're worried about his torso?

Zeiss Manifold: BIGGER PROBLEMS AT HAND GUYS
InkWeaver: It's not broken! Just ... floppy.
InkWeaver: And made of rubber.
InkWeaver: at least his ass isn't being violated?
Delcat: LOOK WE'RE GIRLS WE CAN EMPATHIZE MORE WITH HIM HAVING FOUR KNEES
Zeiss Manifold: He's made of rubber? How'd that happen?
InkWeaver: He ate the rubber fruit. Like Luffy.
Delcat: Maybe he released potential levels in reverse so he got LAMER.

Selection #3

InkWeaver: First thought: "Oh that's just men wearing panties, gosh that's not so bad"
InkWeaver: Second thought: "Oh wait it's Alvin in the Chipmunks, okay, never mind."
Delcat: Funny, my first thought was "The Chippettes as traps? Oh Furaffinity."
Zeiss Manifold: WHO KNEW CHIPMUNKS COULD BE SO >i>LEWD
InkWeaver: why is Alvin wearing a garter? Ugh.
Delcat: Pfeh, Simon would wear more sensible underthings than that. A nice low-key 100% cotton bikini cut, maybe.
Zeiss Manifold: Simon's aren't even symmetrical. I'm starting to see this as a tie-in to a fic where Dave forces them to buy panties at a goodwill store, for that extra dose of humiliatiathene.
InkWeaver: WHY, THAT'S JUST EMBARRASSING
Zeiss Manifold: ISN'T IT
InkWeaver: What the hell is wrong with Alvin's pelvis.
InkWeaver: Seriously, stare into it and tell me you're not wincing.
Delcat: And Theodore would WANT pretty panties, but they wouldn't fit him because he's the fat one, so he'd cry and burn himself with cigarettes.
InkWeaver: ...
InkWeaver: Kay nevermind about that last part, I think you're seasoned enough not to wince.
Delcat: It's like...it's like his panties are too tight and pinching his ass-flab up, except he has no ass-flab, and why would you DRAW such a thing.
Delcat: Know what really makes me wince? The bastards have nicer thighs than I do. THAT'S what drives me to drink.
InkWeaver: Goddammit, I'm gonna get an eating disorder. Because of CHIPMUNKS. Anthropomorphic chipmunks.
Delcat: hey guys
Delcat: hey guys
Delcat: hey guys know what
Zeiss Manifold: what delly what
InkWeaver: ????
Delcat: guys know what we would see if they shot this from behind?
Delcat: CHIPMUNK CHEEKS
Delcat: :D
Delcat: :D
Delcat: :D
Delcat: ... :|
Zeiss Manifold: GET OFF THE STAGE
Delcat: C'mon, that one slayed 'em at Anthrocon last year.
Delcat: And then there was more crying and cigarette burns, but the laughter was there

Selection #4

InkWeaver: Okay.
Delcat: Speaking of "GET OFF THE STAGE", that was the unanimous response when someone brought this to /y/ going I DRAW GUD.
InkWeaver: PEOPLE HAVE LEGS
InkWeaver: for the LOVE OF GOD
InkWeaver: WHERE ARE THEIR LEGS?
InkWeaver: Also, the bottom has fish scales. The bottom being the Phantom of the Opera, I think.
Delcat: Yep, and Raoul...I guess, I tried to block out the movie as hard as possible and the guy I saw in the stage show was a brunette.
Zeiss Manifold: So, are these the mating habits of mermen?
InkWeaver: I see no fins here, buster.
Delcat: Speaking of which, I DID see the stage show and I do not recall the Phantom looking like Derp Dog throughout.
Zeiss Manifold: Raoul's first day with his new legs.
Zeiss Manifold: "I HAVE LIMBS YEY"
Delcat: I think the poor guy heard that people like bears and didn't realize it was a euphemism.
InkWeaver: why does buttsex always look SO not enjoyable
Zeiss Manifold: why do anuses always look SO much like sideways vagoos
Delcat: It does not always look unenjoyable! You just haven't seen the right pics!
InkWeaver: Apparently not. But I do see a lot of teh gay pron through what we do here, so...
Delcat: You know, the ones where you COULDN'T shove a two-liter into the bottom's ass without lube and where the bottom DOESN'T look like he's about to start gushing blood.
Delcat: Through what we do here, Inky. THINK ABOUT THAT STATEMENT.
Delcat: That's like saying "Why does straight sex always end with twelve-year-olds being tentacle raped" as compared with our test samples
Delcat: At least it's nice to see Giant Yaoi Bedspace being utilized by the younger set.

Selection #5

Delcat: Speaking of horrible straight sex...
InkWeaver: HAHAHAHA INCARNATE
InkWeaver: ...wait. Wait no this is Bleach.
InkWeaver: OF FUCK YOU GUYS
Zeiss Manifold: SUCH GREAT INKY TEARS
InkWeaver: *waits for Harry Potter and FFVII porn*
Delcat: Oh...thank...God. When it was only half-loaded, I could've sworn that the little panel was of a bald man with a veiny scalp and large ears forcing his entire head into her ass.
Delcat: DON'T LOOK AT ME, ZEISS ORCHESTRATED THIS
InkWeaver: That doesn't even look like a dick
InkWeaver: that looks like an arm, and the base has armpit hair and you know what, that's so out of character, chad would never say that during sex
InkWeaver: he'd just grunt
Delcat: That doesn't look like...anything, really. Especially since his arms are apparently growing out of his thighs.
InkWeaver: not nearly as attractive HURR HURR GREAT ASS TAKE IT
Delcat: Is the girl being a floaty pool toy in character?
Zeiss Manifold: That doesn't even look like an ass. It looks like a ballsack undergoing mitosis.
Delcat: 'Cause I just wanna throw her in and spread out and relax, maybe read a book.
Delcat: ...you know what it really looks like? Like there's a hole in the...floating pink space...and she's sticking her head through it and between two blow-up dolls.
Delcat: The text balloon should actually read "WHAT THE FUCK WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE"
Zeiss Manifold: I'd hate to go for a HEAD PASTED ON YEY joke here, but that's really what it looks like the more I stare. Like she's really some abortive Antediluvean boob-beast.
Delcat: Her face doesn't even have the same skin tone.
InkWeaver: Her boobs look like, if you poked 'em with a needle, they'd wheeze out
Zeiss Manifold: see my comments re: boob-beast
Delcat: You know the funny thing? The one thing on this page that looks like actual genitalia is the inset of her ass and back. It looks like a dick with big, swollen balls.
Zeiss Manifold: see my comments re: mitosis ballsack
Delcat: I had to add the dick fuck you

Selection #6

Delcat: Speaking of rubber monstrosities...
Delcat: What really makes this one is the story behind it. If I may quote from the page on Y!Gallery:
Delcat: I did this one for my BF Josh's birthday. It was hard trying to work on it without him finding out. He was so happy when he woke up to it as his background on his computer.
Delcat: Just imagine...imagine, if you will. You just got a new boyfriend. He seems nice, smart, everything you ever wanted. He even promises you something special for your birthday.
Delcat: And then, on the big day, you wake up, turn on the computer...AND SEE THIS
Zeiss Manifold: And right as child protective services were strolling past, too.
Delcat: Meanwhile, in the kitchen, he's merrily boiling your pet rabbit for dinner.
Delcat: And yet, what REALLY gets me is that the piggy's face vaguely reminds me of Jamie from Mythbusters.
Zeiss Manifold: FUCK OFF I JUST NOTICED THAT TOO
InkWeaver: All right. Here's my question.
InkWeaver: Where the shit did you get this, Del?
InkWeaver: I don't usually ask, but holy god.
InkWeaver: Oh, wait. Y! Gallery.
Zeiss Manifold: No, Inky, Tapioca Dong Land.
Delcat: ...searching "latex" on Y!Gallery.
InkWeaver: Nevermind
InkWeaver: boy, THIS IS SO APPEALING
Delcat: THE LIFE OF AN ORIGINAL-CONTENT SEARCHER IS A LONELY AND TOUGH ONE.
InkWeaver: I CANNOT THINK OF WHAT ELSE I WOULD RATHER SCHLICK TO
InkWeaver: yeah, but you have so many gems to show for it, Delly-Pelly
Delcat: And yet I didn't actually find any decent PORN. It's a problem.
Delcat: Final object of note: The food dish.
Delcat: I mean, an awful lot of time obviously went into this.
Zeiss Manifold: No, the trough. What possible purpose does it serve?
Delcat: And then he just slapped on a squishy-font label.
Delcat: TAKE THE EXTRA FIVE SECONDS TO SCRAWL IN THREE LETTERS, MAN.
Delcat: Um...set dressing? Or else...no, I really don't wanna think about what else could be done with it.
Delcat: Force-feeding is seriously my biggest squick.
Zeiss Manifold: Even the grass is embarassed by all this, it's clearing the hell out.
Zeiss Manifold: The perils of herbicidal lube.
Delcat: Nothing grows for the furries, they reap only what they ho.

Selection #7

InkWeaver: Is this porn or just idiocy?
InkWeaver: I like the ominous TO BE CONTINUED
Delcat: To be continued? TO BE CONTINUED?! NOOOO I HATE CLIFFHANGERS
Zeiss Manifold: WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE SMELL OF STINKY FEET THAT CAUSES DOGS TO LEVITATE IN THE AIR? PEPPERIDGE FARMS REMEMBERS.
InkWeaver: "No, really. I think we're good. Can we just leave it there?"
InkWeaver: John has, like, the creepiest snake eyes ever.
InkWeaver: Yessss I will have ssssssssssome fun with your sssssssstinky feet, Wormtail.
InkWeaver: BRING ME THE BOY! AND KILL THE SPARE!
Zeiss Manifold: First panel: Garfield descends from the heavens, UFO-style
Delcat: Yeah, I'm with Inky on this one. If I didn't know better, I'd say it read like a variation on Go to Bed Garfield or Garfield Minus Garfield.
InkWeaver: Actually, despite its looks, I do think it's probably a lead in to porn.
InkWeaver: Look at it, seriously.
Delcat: So basically the artist drew the fetish objects, then went "Hm, what fandom should I violate? how about...GARFIELD" and then scribbled the rest in in five seconds.
Zeiss Manifold: Thing is, Garfield makes so much more sense if you assume that all of Jon's neuroses stem from him being a closet feline-foot fetishist.
InkWeaver: No, zeiss. No.
InkWeaver: It actually doesn't.
Zeiss Manifold: Garfield hates Mondays for a damn good reason, you see.
Delcat: So he eats to escape? But what about Odie, what's his part in this?
Delcat: Oh, I get it! His constant kicking Odie off the table is his way of taking back his violated feet from his aggressors?
InkWeaver: I'm just gonna plug my eyes at you and yell LA LA LA
Zeiss Manifold: Now you're getting it!
Delcat: The worst part is realizing that those feet are probably stinky from him using a litterbox. Somebody's just askin' for a case of toxoplasmosis.
Zeiss Manifold: ...That might explain Jon even more.
Delcat: Speaking of animals...

Selection #8

Zeiss Manifold: Oh hey, the original Guernica sketches! Wait....
Delcat: Again, this one requires backstory. ...such as it is.
Delcat: The origional Fucksheep idea involved a paticular pair of characters that met in City of Heros but the characters themselves were origional creations and went beyond the game when the players quit and compared stories and ideas. This was a basic sketch that was done over a conversation based on who was getting pushed into the suit and hwo the first humiliation was done. We're stilld debating weather or not I'll ever try and make a comic illustration of the whole story and how a level 45 hero fell to the terrible imagination of a lvl 8 villan.
InkWeaver: ...despite what you just typed
InkWeaver: I still have no idea what's going on
Delcat: So, yeah, that's totally what this is. I'm really glad for that description, because my first thought was "Little Timmy Draws His Anxieties for Child Protective Services".
InkWeaver: Nor do I have any idea what that thing in the left corner is
InkWeaver: nor do I want to know.
Zeiss Manifold: Yeah, there's like a deer or maybe a dog and some kind of robot with attitude in the middle
Delcat: A "fucksheep", of course! ...whatever a fucksheep is.
Delcat: Looks more like a character from the lost episode of Zoobilee Zoo to me.
Delcat: But then, all episodes of Zoobilee Zoo were lost episodes of Zoobilee Zoo.
InkWeaver: I just think it looks like, whatever that is, its skin got ripped from its body and it's lying there, stripped, nothing but an asshole and some stripped titties
Delcat: I feel like if we could see what the scanner cropped off, all would become clear.
Zeiss Manifold: We're the TheLetterD Fucksheep Suiting Society, God bless fetish porn and making it with impiety
Delcat: There are some other sketches that make it apparent that they're dudes stuffed into some kind of bondage suits, but I like this pic as it is:
Delcat: A terrifying, surreal scrawling of a schizophrenic trying to communicate his worst hallucinations.
Delcat: Stupid reality, fucking things up with it being a lame City of Heroes bondage RP.
Zeiss Manifold: tl;dr - DIRTY DEEDS
Zeiss Manifold: DONE WITH SHEEP
Delcat: BAAAAA

Selection #9

Zeiss Manifold: And an accompaniment
Delcat: That's not so OH FUCK IT'S A .GIF
InkWeaver: OH COME ON
InkWeaver: A GIF
InkWeaver: I HATE YOU
Delcat: yeah Zeiss, way to pull out the big guns on the rookie's first night out
Zeiss Manifold: HATE AND GROW SNARKIER, INKY, HATE AND GROW SNARKIER
Delcat: DO NOT EMBRACE THE HATE
Delcat: TAME IT
Delcat: TAME IT AND USE IT
Delcat: Okay, my turn. Where the hell did you find this one?
Zeiss Manifold: A lamprey-glowstick-twirling baton fetish site.
Delcat: that's remarkably forward of you
Zeiss Manifold: My first kiss was at a marching band rave at a contaminated lake. Things followed suit thereafter.
Delcat: ...guys.
Delcat: Is it...is it getting faster?
Delcat: OH GOD IT'S A PERPETUAL MOTION FUCKING GIF
Delcat: Is it bad that all I can think is "Well, they're coming out clean, so at least nothing's ruptured"?
Delcat: And "Dangit, why are sex toys ALWAYS pink?"
Zeiss Manifold: …Is it bad that we seemed to have killed Inky?
Zeiss Manifold: Did the .gif factor do her in?

Delcat: C'mon, Inky! One more pic! You can do it!
Delcat: Brace yourself, here it comes!

Selection #10

InkWeaver: MORE CHIPMUNKS?
InkWeaver: That chipmunk is laying an egg.
InkWeaver: Somehow this is worse than the Fuu picture.
InkWeaver: WHY DOES THIS CHIPMUNK HAVE A CLOAKA
Delcat: Funny how we both went for the chipmunk pictures, isn't it?
InkWeaver: And why does the one with the dick have boobs?
Zeiss Manifold: The chipmunk also appears to have a Mohawk and a wattle.
InkWeaver: And one has a waddle, the other has a crest
InkWeaver: wattle, my bad
InkWeaver: and a dick sheath too. Classy.
Zeiss Manifold: You went for the wattle too!? INKY YOU ARE GETTING BETTER
InkWeaver: about what!
Zeiss Manifold: ...Wattling?
Delcat: I actually found this one through Encyclopedia Dramatica, on a page of a real class act who has so many fetishes that they won't fit in the text box.
Delcat: This is one of the most inexplicable pics he has, but honestly, I could fill an entire Round-Up with his shenanigans.
Delcat: Again, I like an alternate theory for this one. Imagine, if you will, you're a small child in the early nineties, home sick from school.
InkWeaver: YAY CHICKEN SOUP?!
Delcat: no no roll with me
Delcat: Mommy is busy, and you've missed your dose of children's aspirin. Your fever is getting high. As your brain begins to cook, the beloved cartoon characters on the TV start to change...and suddenly, you hit puberty.
Delcat: ...or SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK TO EXPLAIN THIS
InkWeaver: You hit puberty during a high fever? ... eesh.
InkWeaver: That's harsh, dudes.
Delcat: I DON'T EVEN KNOW
Zeiss Manifold: I would not be surprised if he was the type that tried to make a real life version of this picture, with decomposing, hastily-assembled chipmunk and chicken parts, a needle and thread, and a very large sponge.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm imagining this being set to German oompa band music, incidentally.
Delcat: The funny thing is, I can't find his ED page even when I search for it.
Delcat: ...guys...DOES THIS EVEN EXIST?
Zeiss Manifold: It's fucking Rescue Rangers, it's not too far a stretch. On the percentage of creepy, sexually-maladjusted manchildren in its fanbase, it's like third among all fandoms.
Delcat: ...I hate to do it, but I'll bite. Third?
InkWeaver: ...yeah what's first and second
InkWeaver: Sonic?!?!?!
InkWeaver: TRANS--
Zeiss Manifold: Sonic and Transformers.
InkWeaver: ...dammit, and I knew it to
Delcat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
InkWeaver: too
Delcat: OH THANK GOD IT'S REAL
Delcat: ...OR IS IT?
Delcat: GUYS I'M TRIPPING
Delcat: I CAN'T TRUST MY OWN EYES ANYMORE
Zeiss Manifold: Well dammit, Inky. I set out to break you, and now Del's gone and broke herself.
Delcat: HOISTED BY MY OWN FURTARD
Zeiss Manifold: I GUESS YOU'RE OUR NEW DELCAT!
Zeiss Manifold: CONGRATURATION
InkWeaver: MAN THIS SHIT IS GETTIN WAY TOO WEIRD
InkWeaver: I AM OUTTA THIS JOINT
Delcat: WHY DID I TAKE THE BROWN ACID
Zeiss Manifold: yeah even i'm feeling all

right now
InkWeaver: ALL RIGHT FOLKS
InkWeaver: THAT WAS ANOTHER BAD PORN ROUNDUP FOR YOUR PALS
InkWeaver: INKY
InkWeaver: ZEISS
InkWeaver: AND DEL
InkWeaver: TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE KNEE-SLAPPIN' GOOD TIMES
Delcat: GUYS THE FUCKSHEEP IS UNDER MY BEEEEEEEEEED
Delcat: HE WANTS LICORICE
Zeiss Manifold: NOW STAY TUNED FOR TAXI