Benjamen Isaac Braeden (mr_hero) wrote in spn_nextgen, @ 2011-06-22 00:55:00 |
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Entry tags: | !deleted and extended scenes, 1x14 - jar of hearts |
Deleted Scene #11: Nightmare
Jesse leaned in close to the mirror as he brushed his teeth, watching the bristles and paste swoop back and forth, and looking too see what the back of his mouth really looked like. It was about as exciting as brushing got. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye and jerked back, brushing like a normal person as Ben came in. It wasn’t until Ben closed the door, however, that he spat and looked up.
“Mate, if you gotta piss, wait until I’m out,” he said with a small grin, washing out the brush. “There are boundaries.”
“Actually,” Ben started, his face neutral and even. “I wanted to talk.”
Jesse knitted his brows, glancing back at the door. It wasn’t often he had something to say that wasn’t said in front of Claire. “Alright,” Jesse said, turning the water off and setting his brush aside.
“You’ve been real helpful,” the younger man said, leaning back against the door. “More than. You saved our asses a couple times now, but I think it’s about time you moved on.”
Jesse froze. His mind replayed the words, trying to find another meaning. It was a joke. It had to be a joke. “What?”
Ben seemed completely nonplussed at Jesse’s reaction. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re hot as hell and a great fuck, but... Claire and I have something going. We work well together, and we love each other. This life just isn’t for you. You said it yourself, y’know? No point in fighting it.”
Each breath fluttered in his lungs like a razor-winged butterfly. The floor felt like it was shifting under his feet. “Did-- did I do anything wrong?” Jesse said, his voice small. “I thought-- I mean, things between you and me...”
Ben’s brows furrowed a little. “What... y’mean what I said?” He cracked a humoring smile. “You’ve never said stuff just for the sake of it soundin’ sexy while fucking?”
Jesse’s hand gripped the counter at his side, certain he’d crumble otherwise. It took a few seconds, and more strength than he thought he had, but he managed to twist his mouth into something of a smirk. “Well, yeah, of course. I was just worried you were starting to mean it.” His voice hitched slightly at the end but he managed to recover. “So. I guess I’ll just grab my stuff and leave now?”
“Well I mean, I’m not bootin’ you out the door,” Ben replied, shrugging his left shoulder. “If you need to take a day or two, get yourself sorted, it’s cool. Hell, if you’re up for one last hurrah, I’d be up for it.”
Despite the heavy twist his stomach gave, Jesse almost said yes. Wrapped up in the two of them, he’d been in the safest place in the world. But he knew better now. The illusion was broken. He shrugged. “No. I mean, might as well just head out now. Let you and Claire start your alone time.”
“At least sleep on it,” Ben insisted with a slight frown. “You can light out in the morning. We still care about your well-being, man. You’re our friend.”
Jesse’s hand clenched at his side, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to get a word out around the lump in his throat. He nodded. Ben gave him a nod and a faint smile, his expression bordering on sympathetic.
“Gonna head out there, then. Seeya in a bit.”
And then he slid out through the door, shutting it behind him.
Jesse’s legs gave out. Collapsing slowly to the floor, he took deep, gasping breaths. He wouldn’t cry; he wouldn’t cry. Part of him had always known, after all, that this was the truth. Everything had been too good and too easy. It was never like that with anyone he wasn’t controlling.
***
The bed was comfortably warm when Jesse woke. He let out a long breath before opening his eyes, looking down at Ben’s arm, draped over him with familiarity.
And then he remembered.
His body felt like it turned to stone even as his heart ramped up. Had he hopped into bed last night from the floor? Or had he just crawled right on in? He couldn’t remember. Had he gotten drunk? Shit...had he given in after all?
Go, go, go, go now.
Swallowing hard, he gingerly tried to shift from under Ben’s arm. Ever the light sleeper, Ben immediately flinched awake, his arm tightening.
“Whuzzgoinon?” he mumbled, face pinched in a tired scowl.
The arm felt like a noose around his lungs. “Nothing,” Jesse said, his voice hoarse. “I’m... I’m just gonna get dressed and head out.”
Ben looked sideways to the alarm clock on the table. “Where? It’s Sunday. Nothin’s open.”
Jesse swallowed. If Ben was just going to kick him out, why couldn’t he just treat him like shit instead of caring. “Doesn’t need to be. I was thinking I might head back to Australia for a bit, but who knows?” He forced his voice to sound light. “Should get in some world travel I guess.”
That woke Ben up in a hurry. He all but sat straight up in bed, turning his body sharply towards Jesse’s. “What?” he exclaimed. “What the hell brought this on?”
Tensing, Jesse stared at him. “Y-you. You told me to go so you and Claire could be together,” he said. Ben returned his stare like he’d grown an extra arm out of his forehead in the course of the sentence.
“No, I didn’t. Fuck, I wouldn’t even say that if someone had a gun to my head.” He blinked at Jesse, then his brow furrowed in concern.
“But you did!” Jesse pushed himself, his expression strained. “In the bathroom, last night, I was...”
It hit him. He couldn’t remember what he’d been doing before he was brushing his teeth. And he didn’t remember changing, or getting into bed, or anything beyond the bathroom. With a jerk, he was out of bed and rushing to the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind him before Ben was even able to react.
“Jess?” he called, genuine alarm in his voice. He got up quickly, moving to the door. “Jesse, talk to me. What’s going on?”
It was a dream. A nightmare. Jesse had thought the demon sent him horrors before, but this went beyond that. The terror and betrayal and confusion that had been worming inside him twisted into something hot and mean. He stood in the middle of the bathroom, fists clenched, teeth gritted so tight he could hear them creaking. The light flickered and he felt a vibration under his feet that was growing into a rumble.
Too far, too far.
With a yell, he twisted and punched the shower tile. There was the crunch of ceramic and bone, but the flickering and rumbling stopped. Jesse didn’t. He kept punching, even as the pain screamed at him and the tile cracked, flecks of blood flying from his split knuckles even as they healed. He was going to kill him. He was going to kill that demon a hundred times over. The sounds of Ben banging on the door and calling out to him didn’t even register until the door flew open with the force of a strong kick. The wood splintered around the hinges and Ben burst in, looking all too much like he did when he was in the throes of a hunt and rescue. His chest heaved with effort.
“Jesse, what the hell--”
Spinning around, Jesse’s eyes met Ben’s like frozen fire. Ben didn’t want him to leave. That was all that mattered. Even as his hands burned, the bones reknitting, he took two steps forward and grabbed Ben by the back of the neck, pulling him into a searing kiss. Ben froze for a moment, his whole body going tense and his hands going up to grab for Jesse’s forearms, but he didn’t pull away. After a moment of confusion he allowed himself to respond, his lips parting to the demanding invasion.
Jesse’s tongue thrust eagerly in, his hands twisting up into Ben’s hair as he held the kiss so long he started to get light-headed. When he finally pulled back, his grip didn’t loosen.
“Tell me you want me,” he demanded, power shoved into the words. He wasn’t going to risk Ben saying no.
All the confusion emptied out of Ben’s head, heat and desire flaring in him like a flashbomb. Though he couldn’t move his head due to Jesse’s grip, Ben pressed his body into Jesse’s like a needy cat.
“I want you,” came the parroted answer, his tone heavy with lust.
With a twist, Jesse shoved Ben against the wall, once more spearing into him. His legs straddled Ben’s, rutting eagerly as he scratched trails down Ben’s chest. Ben groaned against Jesse’s mouth, his hands grabbing hold of Jesse’s hips and pulling him even harder against him before hooking one leg around Jesse’s.
Pulling back from his mouth, Jesse tangled his hand in Ben’s hair. “You’re mine,” he growled, lifting a leg to press up against Ben, who gave a needy whimper in response. “Got it? Mine.”
“Yours,” Ben echoed, pressing into the touch and tilting his head back into Jesse’s hands. “Brand me, mark me up, so everybody knows. Please.”
Jesse bit down hard on his neck then sealed his lips over the skin. Ben cried out wantonly, his hands tightening on Jesse’s shoulders. His hand scratched over Ben’s pec as his thrusts became more erratic and needy.
‘Yeah,” Ben whined, his hands abandoning Jesse’s shoulders to shove into the small space between them, pulling insistently at his sleeping pants. “Yours, always yours, fuck Jess-- take me, fuck me, I want it, I need you to, please--”
Alarms went off in Jesse’s head and, almost like popping his ears going down an elevator, he felt human again. Albeit human with a raging boner. “No,” he breathed, closing his eyes. “Later. I just... I needed...”
Some of the fog cleared from Ben’s head, but even then instinct drove him to take what was so willingly available to him. His hand dove beneath the elastic of Jesse’s pants, finding his cock and giving it a tug as he claimed Jesse’s mouth. Giving in with a whimper, Jesse’s hips immediately snapped into the touch. He’d been near the edge as it was, and it didn’t take long to send him over. He gasped into Ben’s mouth as he came, his body quivering.
It was Jesse’s fading throe that finally eased the frenzy from Ben’s mind, though his full return to awareness was edging on painful. Anxiety rushed to fill the spot that the lust left -- mostly due to the fact that Jesse had let his desperation take control of him -- but the very fact that he’d drawn the line was enough to keep it from staying for long.
Wiping his hand on the fabric at Jesse’s hip, Ben brought his hands up to take the older man’s face in his hands.
“You don’t have to make me do anything,” he said against Jesse’s mouth. “I don’t need to be helped. I wanna do those things to you, Jess. I love you.” He pressed his still clothed and aching groin into him. “I’m confused and hard as all hell right now, but I still do.”
Guilt and gratitude washed over Jesse in equal measure, his eyes downcast. “I know. I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean... I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry,” he said again, knowing he couldn’t say it enough. Ben hushed him by pressing his mouth against his, moving his hands to Jesse’s hips and pulling him against him, grinding into him to ease the ache.
“If I need to say it every day and be the girl here, I will,” Ben said against Jesse’s mouth before kissing him again. “Mock me all you want, but if that’s what you need, I’ll do it. Look at me.”
Jesse met his eyes, swallowing. “And you’re sure I’m not just making you say all this?”
Ben’s left hand slid up to the back of Jesse’s neck, fisting the short hair before pressing his forehead into Jesse’s.
“Yeah. Considering where my head was just now, I think I can say for sure that this is all me.” He rutted into Jesse again, then gave a frustrated laugh. “You bastard.”
That managed to pull a smile onto Jesse’s lips and he gave Ben a quick kiss. “I’ll make it up to you,” he said. Grabbing the hem of Ben’s pants, he pulled them down as he got to his knees. Ben swallowed hard, feeling his heart flip over in his chest. On the one hand, Jesse had never got him off in such a submissive position before. It was incredibly hot. On the other, it was clear by the tantrum he’d had only minutes before -- despite the fact that it felt so much longer -- that he needed comfort right then, not to feel more responsible for the state of Ben’s traitorous body.
“You don’t have to do that,” he said, trying to sound as soothing as he could.
“Thought you knew by now that I don’t do anything I don’t want to.” Jesse’s expression grew tentative, though, his hands pausing on Ben’s thighs. “As long as it’s what you want, too.”
It took everything Ben had to keep from groaning. “I think I kinda like this side of you. Not so cocky, eh?” His hand came up to slide through Jesse’s hair. “If you’re asking whether or not I wanna fuck into your perfect mouth then yes, I do. Badly.”
Giving a shiver, Jesse slid a hand around the base of Ben’s cock as his mouth slid over the head. This wasn’t the time for slow and easy, and he eagerly dipped lower, lips touching to his fist as he gave it a twist. Ben’s shoulders slumped forward as he leaned back against the wall, his hips tilting toward each movement.
“Fuck yeah, that’s it,” he praised, his hands coming up to settle against Jesse’s head. “Fucking perfect, god, I love watching your lips wrapped around my cock.”
Jesse moaned in response, his tongue pressed hard as he pulled back then dipped low again. His throat gave a panicked little flutter as he went farther than comfortable, but he was determined to take in as much of Ben as he could as he picked up the pace. The depth did not go without notice, and Ben’s head lolled off to the side as he let out a low, desperate noise, fighting off the urge to thrust in harder.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuckin’ suck it,” he growled out, his hands moving to hold Jesse’s head steady as he gave a few shallow thrusts. The simple adjustment from receiving to taking was enough to send fire racing through his veins.
“Yeah, with that gorgeous fuckin’ mouth, just made to suck cock.” His right hand drifted around to run his thumb along the curve of Jesse’s cheek, then downward along his lower lip, glancing off his own erection as it slid effortlessly in and out. A shudder racked Ben’s body. “To suck my cock. Nobody else gets to have you like this but me, nobody. You’re mine.”
Jesse shuddered, his cheeks hollowing as he eagerly sucked at Ben. He didn’t move, letting Ben guide the pace even as his hands gripped tight to his thighs. He looked up, desperate to watch Ben react. That brief moment of eye contact was all Ben needed. His fingers twisted tightly in the short strands as he tried to pull back but Jesse’s grip tightened, refusing to let him pull out. Ben cried out as he came, unable to keep his hips still as he thrust toward the source of his pleasure. Jesse swallowed him down, his fists clenched and his expression pinched, but taking it all.
Ben’s legs trembled with the force of it before he felt his knees start to give out. Jesse’s hands were instantly at his side, guiding him down the wall until they were nose to nose. Smiling, Jesse pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth.
“You’re such a fucking badass,” he teased.
“Shut up,” Ben panted with a breathless laugh, moving one hand up to the back of Jesse’s head and pulling him in for a kiss.
Jesse let himself be pulled into it, his tongue quickly pressed forward, determined to keep Ben breathless. It only took a few moments for Ben to catch on to what Jesse was trying to do and when he did, he very nearly giggled.
“Anyway you should talk, shooting off like a virgin,” he said around another kiss. “I barely even touched you.”
A blush blooming in his face, Jesse nipped at Ben’s bottom lip. “Fifteen years too late, jerk.”
“Yeah okay, technically not from where I’m standing,” Ben countered as he slid his other hand down Jesse’s back before settling on his hip.
The blush deepened. “Shut up,” he mumbled, nuzzling the mark he’d left on Ben’s neck. He felt Ben shiver.
“Make me,” he said, nipping at the shell of Jesse’s ear.
Jesse froze a moment before curling closer against him, his cheek against Ben’s chest. “Never.”
There was a tangible shift from playfulness to something else, and Ben’s brows knit together until he realized what he’d said. A flash of shame sparked in his head before he adjusted his body against Jesse’s, arms circling around him to pull him closer.
“Then you’re just gonna have to get used to me ribbing you,” he said against Jesse’s hairline. His hand drifted quickly downward, giving him a short goose before smirking. “Bitch.”
Jesse jumped, giving a snort. “We should probably clean stuff up before Claire gets back.” But he didn’t move away from Ben. He liked how it felt, and he could hear Ben’s heartbeat.
“We’ve got time,” Ben murmured in response, his voice a low rumble in his chest. After a moment, one hand slid through slide through Jesse’s hair. For all that the thought incited mixed emotions, he couldn’t help but remember how his mom used to come in and comfort him when he’d had nightmares as a kid. He didn’t know how often that might’ve happened for Jesse, considering he’d told them he never dreamed, but having that comfort had made all the difference in his life. He knew without a doubt in his mind that his mother loved him.
“Nothing’s gonna change how I feel about you and Claire,” he said quietly after a few moments of silence. “You’re my family now, regardless of whatever happens.”
The words made Jesse’s throat seize up, all the more because he hadn’t expected them. He nodded against Ben’s chest but it was a bit longer before he could speak again. “How do you kill a demon?” he asked quietly.
Ben chewed his lower lip, his face pinching in thought as he tried to remember what he knew. In all truth, a demon couldn’t be killed conventionally. He knew from the books about his father that there had been a gun once, and a knife, but he had no idea where either of them were.
“Don’t think you can,” he replied. “I mean... angels can. I know that for sure. There’s s’pose to be a gun and a knife out there somewhere, but...” He swallowed. “My dad would know.”
Jesse pulled back, looking at him. Ben had never talked about his bio dad before. Jesse had assumed he was dead. “Do you... Could we talk to him?”
Ben dropped his eyes off to the side and shook his head. “I don’t know where he is,” he said solemnly.
Biting his tongue, it took an effort for Jesse not to be selfish. “Sorry,” he said, cupping Ben’s cheek. “I’m an ass.”
“No you’re not,” Ben reassured him, leaning into the touch. “It’s not a big deal.” That part was a lie, but he didn’t want to get into that with Jesse just then. Not after everything else that had happened.
Leaning in, Jesse pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “I’ll call Lucas about it later.” Ben nodded, leaning his forehead into Jesse’s and closing his eyes as he sighed. Some of the good feelings that had settled like a comforting blanket around him slid away at the thoughts of his missing father. Normally he was able to lock away the yearning for him, but now that Jesse had triggered them Ben couldn’t push them away again. His arms tightened around the other man. Maybe now was a good time to talk about it.
“He left us. My dad, I mean,” he said quietly. “Mom... she, uh... she raised me alone. I didn’t meet him until I was nine, and I didn’t even know he was my dad. He was just this... guy... who came to my birthday party.”
His arms sliding around Ben, Jesse lightly nuzzled against his cheek. “That had to have been hard. When you found out.”
Ben nodded slightly. “I mean, I don’t think he knew. Mom never told him she was pregnant with me. I don’t even think he meant to come, y’know? He was on a job in the area. I don’t really... remember much about it. Sorta blacked it out, y’know? But... it was in a book I found.” He chewed his lips as he tried to sort through his thoughts and feelings. “And I asked my mom about it and... well... he was there. He was there for a whole year when I was twelve, but I can’t remember it.” His voice broke off and his face pinched. “He got this angel to mess with my head. To save my soul or whatever. That’s what my mom told me anyway. I left after I found that out.”
Jesse’s heart clenched. Someone had fucked with Ben’s memory, just as he had done. He bit back his apologies though he hugged Ben tighter. Ben took a breath and let it out, letting his head settle back against the wall.
“I kinda... hate him a little, y’know? I mean, we were lucky nothing else came after us, but even if something had, he’d never know. He didn’t want to even know we were safe anymore. I mean it’s like... okay, you don’t love us enough to wanna stay with us, sure, but he could’ve at least checked in every now and then, you know?” Ben swallowed hard, his next exhale shaky. “I wanted to know him. I mean, Matt’s great, but-- I wanted to know him, and he took that from me, like what I wanted didn’t even matter.”
“You have every right to hate him,” Jesse said, quiet but firm. “He’s got to be some sort of idiot to do that to you.”
Ben felt his heart clench and release and closed his eyes, trying to fight the urge to argue. Despite everything, he couldn’t hate Dean completely. Whatever had happened to him must have been so awful that he couldn’t have been able to recover from it. He knew what jobs did to civilians sometimes.
“But I still... I still want to know him. That’s why I got into hunting to begin with. I thought maybe... maybe one day he’d be on the same hunt as me and we’d run in, you know? Like Kat did with Claire.”
“You might,” Jesse consoled him, rubbing his shoulder. “It’s a big country, and it’s not like you can just look his name up somewhere.”
“Even if I could, he’s not exactly the type’a guy to have his name in the phone book,” Ben said, giving a short laugh he didn’t quite feel. “He and my uncle, they’re kinda big names in the world, I guess.”
That got an eyebrow raise. “Didn’t know hunters had big names.”
Ben gave a faint frown, the hand resting in the dip of Jesse’s spine trailing absently across the bare skin. His eyes went a little unfocused.
“My uncle sorta started the last apocalypse.”
There was a long pause. “I guess that would be one way to get your name known,” he said lightly. Ben gave another humorless laugh.
“Yeah. Sam’s sorta been behind a lot of the crap that’s gone wrong in the world,” Ben said. “Not because he wanted it to, it just... happened that way. And Dad would always go after him, to try and set things right.”
Jesse’s heart skipped a beat. Which was ridiculous. There had to be millions of Sams in the States. Who were also hunters. And hunted with their brother. “What’s your dad’s name?”
Ben’s eyes refocused as he looked down at Jesse. Claire had asked him that same question, back in Detroit. He could feel goosebumps racing up his arms.
“Dean,” he said softly. “Winchester.”
“Shit,” Jesse breathed. “I’ve met your dad. And your uncle. They... they’re the ones who told me what I was, what was going on.”
Ben could literally hear his pulse in his ears. He blinked at Jesse, speechless. Had they tried to hunt him for what he was? The rush of conflicting emotions was enough to drain some of the color out of his face. Jesse cupped his face, trying to wipe the worry away.
“They sort of saved my ass. An angel tried to kill me and a demon wanted to take me, but they told me I could choose for myself what I would be,” he said, unable to keep from smiling. “For some reason I picked Australia, but they let me pick it.”
“So that’s why...” Ben mumbled, his eyes refocusing on Jesse’s again. His next smile was a little more genuine. “Some vowels going flat and the others taller.” He leaned into the touch again and let his eyes fall closed, breathing deep. He could feel a cramp in his leg from sitting on the tile for as long as they had, but he didn’t care. Jesse was there and wanted to be with him, while his dad had left. That had to amount to something.
Leaning in, Jesse pressed a kiss to his lips before pulling back. “Probably have spent enough time on the floor now. And I still don’t know what we’re going to tell Claire about the door, you fucking caveman,” he teased.
Ben snorted with sudden laughter, then poked him in the ribs deftly. “Hey, you were freaking out and Hulk-smashing the shower, what was I supposed to do? Wait until you were done?” Ben nipped at his lower lip. “So we lose the deposit and you sweet-talk the head of housekeeping, and Claire gives us both the testosterone speech. She loves us. We’ll be fine.”
Jesse quirked a small smile. “Can tell her we were fucking against the door and it got out of hand.”
Ben snickered again. “Yeah, ‘cuz that’ll make it more acceptable.”
“Well I like it better,” Jesse teased, kissing him languidly. Ben chuckled against his lips, his hands sliding up into Jesse’s hair before pulling back just enough to breathe.
“Come back to bed,” he murmured.
Leaning lightly against his touch, Jesse let out a sigh that ended in a soft, “‘kay.”