Supernatural: John Winchester
Title: Holding onto the past. Fandom: Supernatural Rating: PG-13 Character(s)/Pairing: John Winchester. Word Count: 1,122 Disclaimer: Belong to Kripke, not mine. A/N: - -
It had been twenty three and a half years now since Mary's death and the life of The Winchesters had seemed to take a turn for the worse again. John felt at a loss and he didn't know what to do. He had heard of Sam's girlfriend Jessica dying, it was just how she died that got to him. Talk about feeling deja vu, that's what he felt. It was as if this Yellow Eyed son of a bitch wanted Sammy to know what John and Dean felt, though more so John. Dean never had to see his mother up there, he had heard about it. Hearing and seeing are two different things. This pained John and he just needed to talk to someone so he hopped into his truck and just drove. He didn't know where he was going.
He knew Jessica was back and Sammy couldn't be happier. He liked seeing that, Sammy deserved that. He wished maybe someday Dean would know what it felt like to find a woman that you just want to settle down with. Though in all that time John hadn't found another woman not knowing if another woman even existed that he could feel that way for. Nothing could prepare him for that if it did come along however. Would another woman deal with a man that held an obvious torch still for his dead wife. He didn't see it as fairt to try and make someone feel like they needed to compete.
He finally stopped the truck after it felt like he had been driving forever. He had vaguely remembered seeing a You are now entering Lawrence, Kansas sign and figured he was going to see Missouri Moseley again. Instead when he looked around he found himself at the cemetery. He got out of the truck and looked around silently making his way through and found Mary's grave and stood looking down at the chiseled words etched into the pinkish hued marble.
Mary Winchester 1954-1983 In Loving Memory
He ran his fingers over her name tenderly slowly tracing each letter his eyes full of emotions pent up for so long now. He missed her each and every day, but he made it almost a ritual to at least try and visit here at least once every few months. He brushed some dust and dirt off the headstone left by some kids playing in the graveyard no doubt. Trails of wax he cleaned up, young kids trying to summon spirits. He prayed none succeeded or he knew him and the boys would be kept busy. He went as far too to clean up some weeds keeping her resting place like she liked her home, neat and tidy. He sat down then in front of her grave site and just as it had always been second nature when she was alive, he began talking to her. He didn't care if anyone heard even though his voice was soft as he sat toying with his wedding band.
"Mary. God I miss you so much. Things are alright, ain't the best haven't been since you were taken away from us. I don't know what I am doing anymore baby. Things just keep falling apart and I don't know how to keep them together anymore, you were always the glue that held it all together. I'm trying Mary really I am.
The boys are grown and are good men but I messed them up so bad and I've taken so much away from them. Dean used to love T-ball and couldn't wait for Little League when he could play with the big kids. He wanted to grow up and be a baseball player or a firefighter, something like that. Little dude could have made it too. And Sammy he wanted to be a lawyer. A lawyer Mary that's how smart our boy Sammy is, he was nearly there just needed law school. I know he would of nailed it. Then he lost Jess just like I lost you. I don't know why this is happening to our family but I will find out.
Then we almost lost Dean, and I know I should have let him go. I know maybe he would of found you again. I know you would of watched over him. I just knew Sammy needed him, he needed Dean more then he needed me. I did something stupid Mary. I traded my soul to the Yellow Eyed Demon, my soul and the colt. Traded it away like nothing for Dean's life. I was supposed to die but I didn't. Doctor's brought me back. I wasn't thinking baby, now I went and ruined my chance of ever seeing you again. I know as beautiful and kind as you were you have to be some beautiful angel, and I bought myself a ticket to hell.
I'm sorry for that, sorry we may never be reunited like I always hoped we would be. I just want you to know I love you and I always will and I'll find my way to you someday, I promise you that Mary. I'll find a way.
We are still tracking this demon down and I won't rest until he's gone. I've given up my entire life to get this son of a bitch. I'm trying to keep it together but I'm getting old baby. I'm not doing anyone any good it seems anymore."
He paused to run his fingers through his hair and down over his bruised face as he sighed and looked back to the headstone he knew Mary wouldn't approve of talk like that. A smile touched his lips as he pictured her standing there with her hands on her hips giving him that Don't make me smack you Winchester look. He closed his eyes just savoring that a moment before speaking again.
"I'm sorry for saying that Mary. I'm just so damn frustrated not knowing what to do. Hopefully someday the boys can lead happy lives. Have what we had. Love. A happy marriage. A family. I want then to get to just enjoy life and watch their children grow. To just remember what it's like to be normal. The deserve at least that much. No more fighting, no more killing, no more hunting. I should go Mary before the curator comes and catches me here after hours. I'll come see you again soon. I love you Mary Winchester."
He bent down and kissed the cool marble and ran his fingers over the name once more and turned walking away as his fingers still twisted the silver band around on the ring finger until he got to the truck and slipped in driving away. He didn't know where he was going now he just let the road lead him as it may.