Who: Steve (with dream!Peggy, Bucky and Bruce) Where: The cottage What: Steve still has nightmares sometimes, this is a new one When: Friday night Rating: High for themes Status: closed, complete (unless Peggy or Bucky wants to find him)
Peggy had been feeling horrid for the past week but the last day or so had been nearly unbearable. She was sweating, nauseated with waves of aches all over her body. It had made her nervous to say the least and had resolved to call Bruce the next morning to make sure she didn’t have an infection or anything dangerous for the baby. It was easier to hide the worst of it from Steve so he didn’t worry; Peggy knew she was more than capable of her own body and it was easier than the pained look of worry on his face.
She didn’t count on waking up in agonising, searing pain across her stomach, bad enough to make her heart race from the panic it set in. It must have been so early in the morning but all Peggy needed was to make the pain stop.
“Steve, Steve, Steve, wake the damned hell up" she yelled, not caring about anything but her baby.
----
Steve could tell Peggy was feeling off, he'd seen little things here and there and figured it was just something to do with how far she was getting along so he'd done his best to make things as easy as possible for her without being doting or overbearing. He'd been making sure to watch Stevie as much as possible and keep their pets out from under her feet.
Unfortunately he hadn't realized how awful she'd really been feeling so when he was suddenly woken up in the middle of the night his panic set in for a few seconds. He bolt up straight, eyes wild for a moment before he caught sight of Peggy and the pained, scared look on her face and he pulled himself back in. "What's wrong?" He asked quickly, his hand cupping the side of her face, trying to see if she had a fever without letting on what he was doing.
----
She clutched her stomach desperately, trying not to faint from the pain radiating around her. Peggy felt the baby move a little which was both reassuring and horrid as she felt the agony tear through her and cried out. “Hospital now. Something’s wrong.” Her whole face was pale and clammy, temperature spiked and burning up, her eyes hazy looking. “Quick.”
It hurt even to talk and she was just so so so scared.
---
Steve had been through a lot of terrifying things in his life but somehow this was the worst. He had to force himself not to panic as he nodded and slid out of the bed. "I'll be right back, just one second I promise." He told her before grabbing his phone and bolting from the room.
He took the stairs three at a time to get to Bucky’s loft as quickly as possible, not even bothering to turn on a light as he went to the other man’s bed and shook his shoulder. “Buck, c’mon wake up. We need you.” he told him quickly, looking around and grabbing a shirt off the floor, tossing it at him. “I gotta take Peggy to the hospital, need you to help with Stevie, don’t want to scare him.” His voice was almost too calm, he same kind of determination and command he used in the war tinting the edges.
---
Bucky’s eyes flew open the moment Steve touched his shoulder. A soft gasp rushing in through his nose. He tugged the shirt on that hit him in the face without really thinking about. “What’s wrong? What’s happening?” He slipped on shoes as he stood hopping on one foot at times as he walked toward the door following after Steve. He didn’t like being left behind. But he knew someone would have to stay with the toddler.
---
“I don’t know what’s wrong but something is. She’s in pain, has a fever. Something’s wrong with-” he choked up slightly, not able to finish the sentence. He head back toward the door once he knew Bucky was following, taking his phone out along the way and texting Bruce, waiting until there was a reply before he put the phone in the pocket of his sweats. “I’m going to get her to the hospital, Bruce will meet us. You can wake Stevie and bring him with you but I know if I go in there right now it’s gonna scare him and I just need to get her there.” he told him as they went back down the stairs, panic starting to creep in on him more than he liked.
---
“Okay, alright I’ll wake the kid pack a few things to keep him occupied, maybe something to make a pallet, in case he gets tired again.” Crisis mode had woke Bucky up quicker than a cup of coffee. He followed Steve, right on his tail almost, down the stairs.
“I’ll get her overnight bag too, you just get her there.” God he hoped it wasn’t anything serious enough to need more than one overnight bag.
---
“He has a sleeping bag in his closet. Came with him.” Steve said, then glanced back to Bucky, “Thank you.” he murmured honestly, darting back in to his bedroom, letting Bucky go on to get Stevie.
He went back to the bedside as quickly as he could and slid his arms under Peggy’s shoulders and legs. "Just hold on to my neck, it'll be okay." He told her, lifting her up and holding her to his chest. "I texted Bruce, Bucky is going to watch Stevie. It'll be okay." He said again, reassuring himself as much as he was her.
---
Peggy didn’t even protest as he lifted her heavy body, her limbs awkward and sore somehow. Even after raging battles, even after losing Steve to the ice, never had she been so terrified. His arms around her though made her feel like it would all be good again soon and she rested her head over his heart. Peggy’s eyes closed and she tried to block out her own hammering heart.
“You’re going to carry me to the hospital?” she asked, her fingers slipping from around his neck as she got more and more tired. “Be careful.” Bucky, she knew, must be going insane with worry. He had become closer to them these last few weeks and Mouse adored her godfather already. “Buck?” she asked, wincing in pain.
--- "Its faster." He told her, wrapping his arms just a little bit tighter when he felt her fingers starting to go loose. "Never been more careful in my life." He whispered, kissing her hair.
He stepped up his pace a little bit after glancing down and realizing her eyes had closed, carrying her as close to his chest as he could and ignoring the worry and panic just hovering in the back of his mind, wanting to take over. "Didn't want to scare Stevie. Bucky is gonna wake him up and bring him to meet us okay?" He asked, wanting to keep her talking, make sure she was awake.
---
It was like water had seeped into her brain and washed over her, dulling everything and yet nothing. Peggy was growing more groggy as her mind tried to shut out the pain and worry for her little girl. She’d never forgive herself if the worst were to happen because of her pig-minded stubbornness and not wanting to scare Steve: she made her brain wake up, knowing it was dangerous to fall into any kind of unconscious state.
“It’ll be okay,” she muttered, feeling his lips on her head absently, “She’ll be okay.”
---
“Yeah, that’s it.” he told her, wishing for the first time that they lived closer to the city.
The walk seemed to stretch longer than it ever had before and by the time they reached the hospital Steve was barely keeping the fear from taking over, though he did. He knew he had to. Peggy and the baby were more important right now, he couldn’t let his panic win. He pushed the doors open with his back and made his way toward the patient rooms. “Bruce!” he called out, looking for his friend and their doctor.
---
Bruce came rushing in from a side room, pushing a gurney out. He was shocked by how pale Peggy looked and made a mental note to check her blood. “Lay her down, gently.” He checked her pulse carefully, “Tell me everything you know. Now.”
---
Steve was about as gentle as he could physically be as he lay her down on it, biting his lip and pushing her hair out of her face. “I don’t know much. I could tell she wasn’t feeling well but i didn’t think it was so bad. Then she just woke up like this. She said something was wrong and she was obviously in a lot of pain, and she has a fever, bad one.” he babbled off quickly, trying not to forget anything.
---
Bruce wheeled her straight into the exam room, getting Peggy strapped up to monitors. She was drifting in and out of consciousness from what he could tell and she briefly explained how and where it was hurting worse before she reached out for Steve.
Bruce, though, listening to the symptoms and watching the monitors, frowned deeply and read the heart monitor attached to Peggy’s heart.
“Okay. I just need to get the baby’s heart….” he said, pulling the oxygen mask over her face, “Take nice big breaths, try and calm that heart down…”
---
Steve held on to her hand with one of his as soon as she reached for it, trying not to get overwhelmed by all of what Bruce was attaching her to. He helped the other man get the oxygen mask over her head, brushing his fingers through her hair as he encouraged her softly. “It’ll be okay. Just breath love, Mouse needs it.” he whispered, taking slow, steady breaths himself.
---
Bruce attached the fetal heart monitor and was relieved to find the baby was at least alive. That was something, even though she was in distress at 7 months old. He knew he didn’t have much time but Steve had a choice to make - Peggy was in no fit mind to make it.
“If this is what I think it is,” he said carefully, taking a blood sample from Peggy deftly, “Then I’ll need for you two to make a choice. She has all the symptoms of pre-eclampsia, or a form of it, called HELLP syndrome.” he said carefully, “Do you know anything about pre-eclampsia in pregnancy?”
---
Steve’s face fell and fell hard, tears welling behind his eyes as he looked to the doctor. He took a slow breath and steadied himself, nodding a little bit as he looked back to Peggy, his fingers brushing her hair again. “High blood pressure, I know its dangerous and there’s nothing to do until she has the baby.” he murmured softly, his voice weaker and sadder than he was trying for.
---
Peggy’s eyes filled with tears at the sound of Steve’s voice. She knew it had to be bad, deep down in her, but she didn’t think it’d be something so divisive as that. She just wanted to have a baby, make them a family. Why’d it have to be like this?
“She’s too little.” Peggy pulled off the mask to speak, “Steve, she’s too little.”
---
Steve reached up to encourage the mask back over her mouth and nose, leaning down to kiss her forehead. “Shh, you need the mask, both of you. I can still hear you, I promise.” And that was part of why it hurt so much. Because he knew the choice he had to make and he knew it wasn’t the one she would have made. His chest hurt and it felt like there was a brick in his gut but he kissed her one more time and looked back to Bruce. “Do what you have to do.” he whispered, tears in his eyes again.
---
The machines attached to Peggy spiked wildly and she grabbed at him, at Bruce, at anything as pain seared through her.
Bruce ripped the paper from the fetal heart monitor, “Baby needs to be born now, I mean now, or you could lose them both.” he warned, grabbing the phone to tell them to get the OR prepped for a c-section emergency. “No. Now. Get the incubator ready.” he said into the phone.
---
Steve made sure the mask stayed on with one hand while he put his other arm out across her chest for her to grab on to, leaning in close to her ear. “It’s gonna be okay Peggy. No matter what it’s going to be okay, you’re so strong, you’re both so strong.” he whispered, doing his best to sound more secure and stronger than he felt. She was more important right now and she needed him. He listened with half his mind to what Bruce was saying and he hated it. He hated that she had to go through this, that they did. It was supposed to be happy to have their baby, not terrifying. He’d had enough of terrifying in his life. “What do I need to do?” he asked Bruce quietly, his eyes still on Peggy, for some reason wishing in that moment that he’d been smarter and married her before now. It was a random and pointless thought to have but he just wished he had that and made up his mind that he was going to make sure it happened as soon as they were out of this.
---
Bruce started unclipping her from the monitors as her blood pressure spiked into dangerous territory. “I need for you to get Bucky here. I can’t let you into the OR, Steve, but you can see through the glass. I promise you I’ll do everything I can to save your girls but for that to happen, I need to make sure you’re good. Get Bucky here if you can. Get someone.” Bruce pushed Peggy down the hall, “Follow me, we’ll get her prepped but it’ll take a few minutes. I don’t have the facilities here I should.”
---
Steve nodded, “He’s on his way. Didn’t want to rush and scare Stevie.” he mumbled just loud enough to be heard. He hated that he couldn’t be in there, hated that she’d need to go through it alone but he trusted Bruce and knew the other man was going to do everything he could to make sure they were both okay. He followed behind Bruce, walking alongside Peggy’s head, staying close as long as he could.
---
Peggy’s cheeks were streaked with frightened tears. She just wanted the pain to end and for her daughter to be safe again, whether that meant inside her belly or not. It wasn’t goddamned fair. Why couldn’t she do anything right, not even for him?
“Love you forever, Rogers.” she said behind the mask as Bruce pushed her into the OR and told Steve to wait outside.
---
Steve wiped her face dry gently, pushing her hair back and carefully tucking the straps of the mask behind her ears trying to make her as comfortable as he could, trying to help in any way that he could manage. “I love you too Peggy. Forever, no matter what.” he whispered, kissing her forehead again and watching Bruce wheel her away, realizing that it would be the last time he saw her pregnant with this baby, possibly ever.
Once the doors closed behind Bruce he turned away from them, his back to the wall as he sunk to the floor. His head fell to his hands, knees pulled up around him with bare feet on the floor as his shoulders started to shake, finally letting himself cry.
---
If it had just been him, if he had been the only one in the car he would have cut corners on a skid, he would have floored it. As it was he had to force himself to keep close to the speed limit at the very least. It seemed to take forever to pack, get Stevie up and in the car. After he’d fetched one. Bucky knew he probably over packed for both Peggy and Stevie.
But they both made it to the hospital, no scratches or dings. Bucky skidded into the hallway which made Stevie giggle, as he was strapped to his back. Two heavy bags in his arms. “Alright little man. Where are they?” He muttered to the two year old.
Roaming the halls, bumping as much as he could to keep the toddler entertained. “Steve?” He muttered loud enough to be heard but hopefully not loud enough to wake anyone who might be staying in the hospital.
---
Steve knew he could watch the surgery but part of him was too afraid to. He could hear the monitors and everyone talking through the walls thanks to his superhuman senses and that scared him enough.
As soon as he heard Bucky he sat himself up and wiped his face dry, forcing himself to stand. He knew Bucky had seen him at some of his worsts but Stevie was coming with him, he didn’t want to scare the toddler.
“Over here.” he answered, running his hand through his hair, walking far enough away from the operating room that Stevie wouldn’t be able to see in the window accidentally.
---
At the call he followed the sound of Steve’s voice. When he rounded the corner Bucky’s eyes darted from Steve to the glass partition not far from where he’d been, and back. “Alright little man. Ride’s over for now.” Squatting down, he settled the bags on the floor, and unbuckled Stevie from his back, holding on to the straps so the little boy could slide down the rest of the way, which wasn’t far, and find his feet. He turned and plucked the kid out of his harness and set him on his feet again. “There you go all free, here’s your bag, why don’t you go set up in that corner and we’ll play dinos or something in a second okay?” He offered the smaller bag, which also had the sleeping bag in, which was folded up rather than rolled. He watched as the little boy did as he was told.
Standing he faced Steve. “She in there?”
---
Steve watched his son settle in, glad that, for now at least, he didn’t notice anything was wrong. It would come, with Stevie it always did, but he had a few moments. He only looked back to his friend once Bucky started talking. He nodded and scrubbed his hand over his face, nodding. “They’re delivering the baby. Emergency surgery.” he whispered, chewing on his lip.
---
Bucky moved to the window. Putting his hands against the window sill. He blew out a slow breath. “I.. I brought her overnight. I put a few changes of night clothes… I went through her drawers, but I figure confort was important, and she could fuss at me for it later.” He rubbed a hand over his scruff, he hadn’t stopped to change himself, or shave. “There’s a pair of shoes in there for you, and slippers for her. I didn’t think about socks though.” He was jabbering. This was different from any time Steve had been in the hospital.
“What’d the doc say?” He looked back at Steve once more.
---
“It’s okay, I think she’ll make an exception for this.” he murmured, keeping an eye on Stevie. “And I’ve been without socks for a lot worse.”
He sighed, wrapping his arms around his middle. “He says it’s something called HELLP. It’s like pre-eclampsia but…” he trailed off, glancing beyond Bucky in to the OR for a moment. “He said that if we didn’t do anything they both might...I had to let him.” he rambled off, tears pricked the back of his eyes again and he had to look away.
---
Bucky’s gaze moved from what was going on in the OR to the reflection of Steve’s face. “They’ll be okay. Peggy is the toughest dame I’ve ever met. And Mouse isn’t far behind. She’s just a little more impatent than her Mom. That’s all.” He knew they’d both be okay. They had to be. “It’ll probably be the only time she’s little, so… You’ll want to catch every moment of it.” He hated that Steve couldn’t be in there with her. “As long as she cries… She’ll be okay.” He hinged himself on that. ---
Steve rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a heavy breath. “I don’t know if she will Buck her lungs won’t be...she’s so little. I don’t know if I can do it- if they’re not…” he mumbled softly, making sure to be quiet enough not to disturb Stevie and not actually say anything obvious, but he really didn’t know how much more he could take. He was barely over the last blow of memories and this...this was worse. He felt that panic in his chest again, the one that made his chest go tight and his breath short. Leaning back in to the wall again, his head tipped up nd eyes squeezed shut he found himself praying silently. He didn’t even know what or who he was praying to anymore, but he did it anyway. He needed it.
---
“Hey,” Bucky turned toward him and snagged Steve’s jaw forcing him to look at him and not what was going on in that room at that given second. “no talk like that soldier. Peggy is going to make it. And so is Mouse.” He paused a minute, simply because his voice wanted to crack. Sometimes it was harder to be strong than it was other days. “Got that. They’ll be fine. Have a little faith.” His rosary dangled from his wrist. He had stopped long enough to grab it. “No more talk that they won’t be. They’ll be just fine.” He tried his best not to sound like he was trying to convince himself as he let go and turned toward the glass again. “They’ll be just fine.” They had to be. He began his own prayers. One for each bead.
---
Steve finally went to the glass, one hand flat against it while the other wrapped around his middle again, like he needed it there to keep his stomach from crawling into his mouth. He saw the beads in Bucky’s fingers and almost wished his set had made it through the war and the ice but they were gone and hadn’t shown up again with his foot locker. After seeing the things he had, he didn’t even know if he believed anymore, but he’d always remember his mama telling him, ”Airports see more sincere kisses than wedding halls and hospitals see more honest prayers than church walls”
He closed his eyes, hating to see the woman he loved laying there like that, listening to the monitors and voices, mostly Bruce’s, muffled by the wall and window between them. It was a long, long few minutes before he heard the announcement that she was out, Bruce telling them to check this and test that while the doctor was obviously still working Peggy but the words meant nothing. Steve’s breath was held in his chest just waiting to hear something, anything from the little baby.
When he finally, finally heard the small cry it was like his whole body just deflated and he was on the ground again, tears down his face, this time in relief and exhaustion and just his whole body sagging under the weight of the last few minutes. In the back of his mind he knew it wasn’t an all clear, that there were still a million and a half things that could go wrong but for that one, short moment, he let himself be okay.
---
Bucky watched the whole while, rubbing his beads and shifting to another. He knew he held his breath until the moment the baby finally made it out. “Come on, come on baby girl. Cry for Uncle Bucky. I know you can do it.” He muttered mostly to himself. Waiting for the cry. It seemed like it stretched on for a hour. Maybe more. “Come on!” He said with a little more force than he’d meant to.
But god that cry. The moment he heard it, there was no holding back the tide. Tears streamed down his face, even as he hooped and cheered. “I told you! I told you!” He didn’t care if he woke everybody up on the island as he cried out. “Haha!” Throwing his arms up in the air. He turned to Steve and bent down so they were face to face. “Fucking music. Everytime she does it it will be music.”
Realizing what he said he looked over to Stevie, “Don’t ever repeat that word, now. Or you’ll get Uncle Buck one heck of a whipping. And we don’t want that do we?”
---
Steve knew the commotion would get Stevie’s attention and Bucky talking to him seemed to be the cue for the little boy to wobble over to them as fast as his legs would carry him. Steve still didn’t want him to see in the window, because even if the baby had been born and was probably already getting cleaned and put in the incubator Bruce had ordered, Peggy was still in surgery and Stevie knew Peggy a lot more than he knew the baby. So, he scooped up the toddler as soon as he ran past and curled him up in his lap. He grinned and kissed the little boy’s hair, hugging him close and grinning as Stevie started his “Buh! Buh! Buh!” chant that usually signalled wanting Bucky Bear but this time was accompanied by a chubby finger in the direction of the real Bucky. “I know, he’s a little wild huh?” Steve murmured, still half listening in to the OR. “She weighs 2 pounds 13 ounces.” he repeated softly, not sure if Bucky could hear the things he did.
---
Bucky had started cheering and whooping and dancing around. Grinning down at Steve and Stevie when Steve had called him weird. But he stopped all the dancing when he heard what he’d missed through all the noise. “She’s little. But she’s real early too. That’s to be expected.” He’d read a few books before Peggy had told him to stop. So he could stop obsessing over all the things that could go wrong. “If this was… Home for you, they’d want her to stay in here until she gained at least two more pounds, and some change.” He rubbed his hand over his scruff. Listening to the sound it made for a minute. “I gotta wonder if that will be what they’ll want to do here too.”
---
Bruce made sure that Peggy was stable before he turned to the tiny pink wriggling baby girl on the hospital cot. It made him smile as he listened to her crying; she had a good set of developed lungs considering her young gestation. He made sure she was warm and listened to her heart with a tiny cold stethoscope, grinning as the baby winced. He listened for a second before giving a thumbs up to Steve and Bucky.
Peggy looked over, her brain fuzzy but a big grin on her face as she saw her little girl happy and wriggling. She was still so tiny.
---
"Bruce is...a friend. From where I was before I ended up here. I trust him to do what she needs without being too much." Steve almost missed it, between Stevie in his lap and Buck talking to them, but when he caught sight of Bruce through the window he had to admit he'd never been happier for a thumbs up in his life. He smiled wide and kissed his son again, hugging the little boy to his chest as he stood up, not even hesitating as he pulled Bucky into a hug too, Stevie wiggling and giggling from where he was trapped between them.
---
Bucky was nearly ready for another round of cheers, and hoops and hollering. But he was just as glad for a hug. He pounded Steve’s back heartily. Good lungs had been important. They could handle the rest, he was sure. But the thumb up. He wasn’t sure what it meant really, but he knew it was good. He couldn’t resist giving the little boy between them a little raspberry to the cheek.
When he had the moment, Bucky turned toward the window again, breathing hot breath against it in a wide enough cloud that he could write in it. We ♥ you!! Before he knocked on the glass to get Peggy’s attention. Sure his love for her was different than Steve’s. But it was no less pure.
---
Bruce wrapped the baby up so she was warm and covered and she stopped screaming, instead making cute snuffling noises and her unbound arms waving around. Bruce let the nurse take over whilst he took care of Peggy, sewing up her c-section scar and putting in a blood pack IV to replenish her loss during the surgery.
Peggy just stared longingly at her little girl, her fiancé and son through the window. Her eyes lingered, though, on the message left by Bucky on the window in his breath, chuckling. She felt a little woozy, and wanted to sleep forever, but her daughter was born and her boys loved them both. Shakily, she brought her fingers to her lips and blew them all a kiss.
---
Steve finally held Stevie against his hip, letting him look in to the window now that things had calmed and Peggy wasn't so surrounded by people and equipment. Immediately the little boy leaned in and spread both hands out on the window, only a moment later smooshing his nose in to the glass, babbling "Mamamama". Steve chuckled and nodded, "Yeah, that's mama, we'll see her soon. And you get to see baby Mouse too." He smiled, kissing his hair again.
---
Bucky couldn’t resist hoisting his harms in the air and cheering again. He clapped Steve on the back. “Makes me wish we had cigars! This is a cigar moment if there ever was one.” Cigars and champagne to toast in the new little girl just inside the window. And the woman that’s given birth to her. “This is better than… Hell! Anything else ever.” And he’d been there for it. There was no climbing down from this high.
---
Bruce made sure Peggy was looked after before getting cleaned up. He could hear the guys outside shouting in excited happy voices and he didn’t want to stop that too badly. He’d explain the situation and what would be following; it was just a warning not to expect smooth sailing and no complications.
Five minutes later, Bruce came out, cleaned and fresh. “Hey, you three doing good?” he asked softly.
---
“You know she’d kill you if you smoked one of those things around him.” Steve joked, letting Stevie play against the window, the little boy babbling to himself.
For a moment after Bruce asked the question, Steve wasn’t sure. He felt so happy but in the back of his mind he knew this wasn’t over, that there was still so much that could be or could go wrong. But then he looked back into the room, he saw Peggy and the little girl and he couldn’t help the nod. “Never felt better.” he told him, giving his friend a soft smile. “And thank you Bruce, so much.” he offered, finally pulling Stevie away from the window once he’d started trying to mush his tongue against it. “And I’ll apologise now, since she’ll probably be having words once she wakes up for not listening to her.”
---
“If I know that lady in there, she’ll fight you every damn day about it, but in reality she’ll always be grateful you made that choice.” Bruce smiled, then cleared his throat. “We’re going to keep her under anaesthetic for a while. She lost a bit of blood and she’s still not out of the woods yet, okay? Your baby is doing better than I ever saw a 7 month preterm baby do; her lungs were the part I was worried about and she’s breathing great on her own. We’ll keep her here until she’s gained some weight and we’re sure of her motor skills but right now, Steve, I’d say your genes saved her from the worst of the pre-term dangers.” he smiled again, tired and worried but putting up with it for his sake.
“Why don’t you go get something to eat? Stevie must be hungry and by the time you’re done, Peggy and the baby will be on the ward and you can meet your daughter properly.” Bruce suggested.
---
Bucky wasn’t anything but smiles as the Bruce came out. “I’m good as gold. Especially now,” he pressed his palm against the glass for a moment. But he couldn’t resist stepping up to Bruce and holding out his hand. “You did amazing things in there Doc.” He wasn’t sure if he realized it but he’d saved four lives rather than just two. Bucky was sure he would crumble right along with Steve if anything happened to Peggy. Or Mouse.
Food didn’t sound like a bad idea though. But who would be up at that hour?
--- ----- ---
Steve sat up quickly, his heart in his throat and his head pounding. It took a few moments for him to get his bearings, to realize he was at home, in his bed and not in the hospital, that Peggy was asleep next to him, still pregnant and, as far as they knew, not anywhere near having that baby. And at that point his shoulders slumped, head falling in to his hands with a deep sigh. His stomach growled but he ignored it, he didn’t know what any of it meant, what his mind was doing to him now. But he needed someone, and he couldn’t wake Peggy.
He slid out of bed carefully, quietly, grabbing a t-shirt that was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, pulling it on and padding out of the room in just that and his shorts. He found himself at Stevie’s room, slipping inside and turning off the baby monitor before he scooped the toddler out of his crib and held him to his chest as he sat in the rocking chair. The little boy snuffled a bit, tiny fists grabbing on to Steve’s shirt as he settled in, falling back asleep a few moments later.
Steve kissed the little boy’s hair, sighing again and letting himself cry softly, nothing more than tears rolling down his cheeks as he rubbed his son’s back. He loved his family, he loved this life, but part of him knew he would always be on that edge, one small devastation away from losing himself again. And he hated that.