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Moon Knight ([info]giftshopist) wrote in [info]spinningcompass,
@ 2022-06-30 19:58:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:lisa cuddy, moon knight (mcu)

Who: Marc (and Steven) and Cuddy
When: Backdated to last Sunday, 8pm.
Where: Trauma Room
What: Talking
Open: No.
TW: Marc has a lot of mental health issues. Mentions of self-harm, probably mentions of suicidal ideation, child abuse etc.



It was almost eight o'clock, and Marc was anxious. Not like how Steven got when he was anxious, talking about anything and everything so there wasn't a quiet moment to be found anywhere and getting his fingers all knotted together. No, Marc was quiet because his thoughts were too loud, and he had his hands clenched into fists, fingernails digging moons into his palms. And he'd walked up to medbay, then back to the apartment, and was going back to medbay again to try and burn off some of the nerves, but it hadn't worked too well yet.

Steven was calm in his head. Steven had wanted to talk to the doc since he'd found out about Marc, after all. Apparently he just wanted to know what she knew about what they had and if she had any advice, which sounded perfectly reasonable and sensible and Marc would have agreed to that if he didn't know better, if he hadn't spent numerous spells as a prisoner... sorry, in-patient at various different psychiatric hospitals. Putnam was the main one, his dad had liked that one. But they'd all liked locking him in little rooms and medicating him until he couldn't tell up from down and day from night, all in the name of getting rid of Steven (and dealing with some of the other shit too, like the dissociating and the intrusive thoughts and the self-harming and all the other stuff), and that was something Marc wasn't prepared to do, not again.

But they couldn't hide forever. This wasn't a city with millions of people where they could hide easily. This wasn't even a fricking village, and Steven had made friends and then those friends had met Marc and... yeah. So. Steven had asked and asked if they could talk to the doctor, and finally Marc had said he would do it (because it was for Steven, and Steven deserved all kinds of amazing things), but that meant that he had to actually talk and not pretend to be Steven and that meant he was anxious.

"Should I talk to Dr. Cuddy first, do you think? She's lovely, I like her a lot." Steven seemed louder than usual, but that was probably so he could be heard over the memories.

"No. No, that's okay. If you take over, you... uh, you don't know what to tell her."

"Okay. Well. You need to calm down. You feel like you're running a marathon or something like that."

"How do you know what it feels like to run a marathon? The most running you've done is for the bus."

"Oi, cheeky. I'm just saying, you're all... our heart rate is through the roof, you need to calm down."

"I'll work on that, will I?"

"You'd be as well to, mate. And actually go into medbay this time, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, and did as he was told. He walked into medbay as soon as he got there, and then stayed where he was. He was in reception, he didn't need to go exploring or anything like that. He'd just wait here for the doc. Yeah.



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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-04 09:30 pm UTC (link)
Cuddy did her best to prepare the trauma room to make it seem less confining.   She moved the gurney and as much equipment as she could along one wall, and pulled a room divider curtain around it.   She took a step back to look it over and frowned, mentally debating if that was better or worse.   The gurney was out of sight, but did that make it seem like a trap?   

Sighing, Cuddy moved a couple of chairs into the room, arranging them to hopefully make it look like more of a meeting space.   She could get the coffee machine and set it up in there as well, maybe some decor from her office too.  She walked back out of the room and saw Steven was there.  The room would have to be okay as it was.

"Hi."   Cuddy said.  "How are you feeling?"

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]giftshopist
2022-07-04 09:43 pm UTC (link)
Marc's hands were balled fists once again, but at least he didn't jump when he saw the doc come out of the room. "Hi. I'm, uh, yeah," he replied, still looking all round him, eyes flitting from door to door and working out where everything was and what his exit routes would be and... he had to calm down. Steven had told him as much only a few minutes earlier.

"I'm here," he added, and took a deep breath, forcing himself to unclench his fists and roll his shoulders. "How are you?"

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-05 10:19 pm UTC (link)
Cuddy wondered if he was entirely there, with the way his eyes darted around.  It was medbay, he'd been there before.  No surprises, unless he was seeing Khonsu or something else. 

"I'm good.  I'm glad you made it."   She answered and gave him a friendly smile.  She gestured to the trauma room behind her.   "I've got a couple of chairs set up for us, if you'll follow me through the automatic doors."   She said, giving the extra details to remind him of the openness of the setting.

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-06 09:33 am UTC (link)
Nodding, Marc followed after only a slight hesitation. He took careful note of the doors and how they opened easily and weren't locked. When they were in the room, he checked behind the curtain, just in case there was an orderly waiting for him with a syringe filled with sedatives. There wasn't one, thank fuck. Then he turned and looked at the chairs.

"I want to move my chair back against the wall. Please." One hand had already found its way up to comb through his hair as he spoke, and he tugged a little to try and calm himself down. There was a little bit of pressure at the back of his mind as well, but he knew it was just Steven letting him know he was still there. He had to be honest now, like Steven, so he tried to explain. "I've had far too many 'talks' with doctors where I've had my back to the room, and I... I can't, I don't want to do that."

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-06 05:56 pm UTC (link)
"It's the equipment we don't need."   Cuddy explained when she saw him peek behind the curtain.  That decided it.  No curtain next time.  "If there is an emergency, I may ask you to help me move everything back in place."   Fortunately, the station had been disaster free for a while.

Cuddy nodded.  "Pick a chair and move it wherever you like.  As long as it's not too close to the automatic doors.  We don't want them constantly opening and closing when we're trying to talk."   She paused.  "Unless you want me to set them so they stay open?"  It wasn't that difficult to do and it might help him relax.  The mention of talks with doctors sounded more like the Steven she'd met during the sleep study.  Stressed, anxious, full of bad experiences and needing help.

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-06 06:14 pm UTC (link)
"I can help with that, sure, although you'll need to tell me where everything goes," he replied, more than happy to help, "and then I'd get out of your way ASAP."

He quickly worked out the range of the door sensors and then moved his chair so that he could see everything in the room and he wasn't setting the doors off all the time. And then he stopped and stood still. He didn't even sit down, he just tried to breathe normally.

"It's okay. You can tell her," Steven said quietly, obviously more than aware of how Marc was feeling (although at least 'trapped' wasn't one of those things). Marc nodded, and turned to look at Cuddy.

"I..." he began, and then stopped again. "This is hard. I don't... I, uhm. I never tell people, I don't, I just don't. There are things I don't talk about, and things I, I can't. I can't do it. My brain... I can't." He sat down after that.

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-07 10:05 pm UTC (link)
Cuddy waited until Steven sat down before she sat down herself.   Patients and secrets had been a recurring problem in Princeton, often keeping them from getting the right diagnosis and treatment as a result. 

"The things that we think we can't tell anyone are usually the things we need to talk about the most."   She said, trying to make eye contact and keep him focused on her.  "Keeping secrets, especially big secrets, causes stress.  Prolonged stress is very damaging to your mental and physical health." She felt certain that she could already see the tension on him.

"I am your doctor." Cuddy reminded him.  "I need to know what's happening with you. I'm obligated to keep what you say confidential.  You can trust me."    She sat back in her chair, making herself more comfortable and giving him a chance to respond.

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-08 09:21 am UTC (link)
Damaging to his mental health? Marc couldn't help but laugh. "Doc, my mental health is an absolute shitshow, whether I'm stressed or not," he told her, and scrubbed at his face before biting down on his index finger. Not hard, just enough to keep him grounded for the time being.

"She means it. Just... tell her your name, yeah? That's a start. She probably thinks you're me," Steven told him, that little bit of pressure in the back of his mind letting him know that he wasn't alone.

Marc nodded in reply to both Steven and Cuddy. He took a breath and let it out.

"My, uh. My name. My name is Marc Spector. Steven Grant is... he's my," he said, before trailing off and staring over at a small tear in the curtain that was hiding the stuff for about ten seconds.

"Marc? Marc? Hiya, focus, come on."

"We have Dissociative Identity Disorder. We're headmates. We've been in and out of psychiatric hospitals since we were a teenager but I don't think Steven remembers them." Marc's voice was quiet, almost monotone, and he didn't look away from the small tear once.

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-09 05:14 pm UTC (link)
A look of surprise crossed Cuddy's face for a moment.  That was a rare and controversial diagnosis.  Even House had only seen one patient with D.I.D. and that was after her time in Princeton.  The surprise turned to recognition as the puzzle pieces fell into place.   It explained so much.

"Hello Marc."   Cuddy said softly.  "I'd say nice to meet you but I think we've met before, during the sleep study."   

Cuddy glanced over at the curtain, wondering if it had been Marc, Steven or someone else that checked it earlier.  "There's only equipment and a gurney back there.  I wanted the room to look more like a meeting space than a trauma room."  She explained as she looked back at him.  She knew why hospitals bothered him now, and why it was specific to him and not Steven. "What do you remember about the hospitals?   Did the doctors explain your diagnosis?"

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-10 09:22 pm UTC (link)
Marc nodded, and then flicked a quick glance at Cuddy. "Yeah, the sleep study. In the video, yep. That was me. Hi," he told her, slumping down lower in the chair. He nodded again when she explained what was behind the curtain.

And then her next question made his breath catch in his lungs, enough that he almost missed the other one she asked. Sitting up straighter again, he kept quiet as he calmed himself down again although he kept an eye on Cuddy as he did so.

"You're right, I don't remember them, but it's okay to tell Dr. Cuddy," Steven told him, before trying to help Marc get his breathing back under control.

"They explained to my... our dad. I looked things up on my own," he told her, scratching at the soft underside of one of his wrists as he spoke, his voice monotone once more. He couldn't quite bring himself to discuss the hospitals, though, no matter what Steven was saying to him.

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-11 04:01 pm UTC (link)
"In your research, you must have discovered that dissociative identity disorder, and other dissociative disorders, develop as a reaction to trauma."  Cuddy kept her voice calm and even.  Not quite mirroring his monotone,  she was hoping to help him feel safer.  The hospital staff speaking to his father and not to him, gave her an idea of how he might have been treated there - with little say in his own treatment. "The mind creates alternate personalities as a coping mechanism." 

Cuddy stopped for a moment, giving him the chance to react, and watching to see if he agreed or disagreed.  If the Marc personality didn't remember the trauma, this could be difficult.  "As your doctor, my largest concern is how this disorder is impacting your functioning in everyday life.  I know about your difficulty sleeping.  What other problems are you having?"

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-11 08:13 pm UTC (link)
"Mhm," Marc replied, "I know that. I... know why. But that's one of the things I'm not talking about, Doc." He looked over at Cuddy again, actually making eye contact for once before his gaze slid away again, blinking back memories of his mom reaching for the belt, or of her reaching for a bottle before he'd even left for school. Steven didn't know why both of them existed beyond his own research so it was all theoretical for him, and Steven wasn't ever going to know the details, so Marc wasn't going to talk about it. Ever.

Other problems. Huh. "Y'know, I had this all under control until very recentl-"

"That's not what she asked, Marc. Can you give her a few examples? It'll help in the long ru-"

"I don't care if it helps, Steven," he snapped, and then froze. He'd gotten too used to talking to Steven in the past few weeks and it had just happened, and now she'd seen him talking to himself and the doctors never liked that, they always wound up upping his dosage or getting the orderlies involved, and he didn't want that, he didn't need that, oh shit...

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-12 11:07 pm UTC (link)
"You have the difficult memories."   Cuddy added that into the puzzle.   She had been thinking Steven was the first personality, the one that existed before the trauma.  Now, she was thinking that it was Marc."Memories that were overwhelming to you, so much so that your mind created an alternate person who didn't have to live with it."  He had probably been young at the time too.

"I can't force you to talk about what happened to you." She added.  No drugs or coercion in her medbay, especially not for a patient who wasn't a danger to himself or others.  "I do think you should talk to someone about it."

"How recently?"   Cuddy asked.  If she could pinpoint an event that led him to have more difficulty, she could try to help him through it, if he let her. 

Cuddy raised an eyebrow at the comment.  Clearly, it hadn't been directed at her, but it was telling. "Steven wants help.  Why don't you?"

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-13 08:08 pm UTC (link)
She wasn't getting any orderlies or going to get pills or a needle yet, she just raised her eyebrow. And Marc watched her as he allowed himself to unfreeze. Well, her shoulder, really, since he was still not in an eye-contact frame of mind.

"I never said I don't want help. I'm here. I really really don't want to be, but I'm here," he said after the longest pause yet, trying his hardest to keep focused. He put his hand back in his hair again as he spoke, tightened into a fist so that it pulled just enough. "I need help. I'm sick, and I know it. And Steven wants help, and I want Steven to get whatever he needs. But I can't talk about these things, I just... I, I go away."

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-13 08:37 pm UTC (link)
"Acknowledging that you need help is a big first step towards getting that help."   Cuddy encouraged, staying still.  She was concerned that even a light touch on the shoulder or the act of writing notes would make him feel worse.

"You're here.  You've already started talking."   She'd seen it in other patients with other conditions, getting past their own hesitancy was a struggle.  She didn't want him to shut down or leave. "What happens when you go away?  Does Steven take control or someone else?"

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-13 10:04 pm UTC (link)
Marc shrugged. "Is this helping? It doesn't feel like it, I'm not helpful. Steven thought he had a sleeping disorder, but it was me, and that's not helping, you know? That's me just wrecking things as usual."

Someone else? Shit... "It's just us. Steven and me," he admitted, before pushing himself to his feet and pacing a little. He could actually answer that question, though. It felt okay in his head, talking about Steven was okay, even if he was listening in. "Sometimes it's Steven that takes over. Sometimes it's just... I dunno. Like I'm staring at a thing, but I'm not, I'm just. Gone. Or like there's something in the way between me and everything else."

"I get that too, like a fog between me and the outside world," Steven added, speaking quietly and doing that thing with the pressure at the back of his mind again.

"Steven says he gets that as well. He says it's like a fog."

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-15 07:30 pm UTC (link)
"You're being more honest than you were the last time I spoke with you."   Cuddy pointed out.  "That's progress and it's helpful." 

"You feel certain that Khonshu isn't another personality?"  She asked, not wanting to sidestep that issue.

"The fog you're describing could be the result of advanced sleep deprivation."   Cuddy commented, making a mental note to look for better meeting spaces.  The pacing reminded her of a caged animal.  "It could also be another way of coping.   You shut down to keep yourself from being overwhelmed.  The fog protects you from stressors."

"We can't ignore the possibility of a physical cause for the fog, one that's affecting your brain or your nervous system or your body chemistry."   Cuddy continued.  "With another patient, I'd want to run tests.  If that isn't an option, can you tell me if you've had any medical testing in the past, and what the results were?"

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-17 10:11 pm UTC (link)
"Steven didn't know about me during the sleep study, and I was trying to keep it that way, trying to keep him safe," he said with a little shrug before laughing at the Khonshu question. He even managed a small smile. "I know for a fact that Khonshu is very real. He's as real as the Norse gods that live here, he's just not visible. Which makes me sound even more insane, I know, but he's real, I swear."

He paused in his pacing as Cuddy started talking about the fog, and then mentioned testing. Marc's anxiety spiked as he glanced all round for the orderlies that were going to show up and grab him, even as Cuddy continued to speak (he could not go through new tests, and he definitely could not discuss anything he'd gone through before), and his heart started pounding at the same time as his vision started going funny. "I, I can't, I can't do this," he muttered, and took a couple of steps towards the doors before the body froze. His eyes rolled back in his head, and when things started going again, Steven glanced all round just to orient himself in the body before turning back to face Dr. Cuddy.

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Cuddy, but Marc's had to go. I really didn't think he'd be this bad about medical things or I wouldn't have pushed him to come and talk to you." His hand was pressed against his chest, as if it could help lower his heart rate, and he started taking deeper breaths as well.

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-18 06:43 pm UTC (link)
"On this station, there is very little that would sound insane."   Cuddy tried to reassure him.   "Others here have had very real gods in their heads too.  You remember me telling you about that?"  She could tell me more true stories too.  There were all kinds of unbelievable events to choose from the island or the station.  She'd simply have to be careful not to offer up any that might make him feel more paranoid. 

"That's okay.  You can call or text me to schedule another appointment if you want to talk again"   Cuddy said.  "Or if you'd like me to refer you to Dan Torrance."  She had stayed seated, not wanting him to feel as if he was being chased.  She did rise to her feet when he froze up in front of the door.  "Marc?" 

"Oh." Cuddy said as the man that turned to her was quickly revealed to be Steven.  "It's alright.  Do you want to sit back down for a moment?  At least until you're breathing a little easier."  And until she could be sure that he wouldn't zone out in a fog and fall to the floor with no one around.

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-18 08:51 pm UTC (link)
Steven nodded at the offer of a seat, and sat down heavily once he'd walked over to the chair. "Oooh, he really got himself worked up," he said as he checked for any hint of Marc, but he couldn't sense him at all. This wasn't like before when he simply wasn't aware, this was just... Marc wasn't there.

"Sorry if we've wasted your time. Mainly, I just wanted to know if you had any advice for us, but I suppose you can't really advise on anything if you have no medical history to work off. And..." Steven shrugged at this point, looking extremely apologetic about things, "I'm afraid I don't know our medical history. I mean, I can tell you mine, but that's nowhere near the full story, is it?"

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-21 11:09 pm UTC (link)
Cuddy sat back down, watching him carefully as he seemed to calm down. "This hasn't been a waste.  I know more now than I did the last time we spoke."   She pointed out.   "I can tell you that talking about your disorder is the primary form of treatment.  There are medications that could help with the symptoms, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety and anti-depressants for example. But it's therapy that is most effective."

Cuddy paused.  There had been stories of patients needing glasses with one personality and not the other.  But they still shared the same physical body.  "It would be part of the story.  Have you had any medical tests done?"

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-24 10:48 am UTC (link)
Steven nodded as Dr. Cuddy explained things, and absently wished he'd thought to get Marc to bring along a notepad and pen so he could write things down. His memory wasn't always the most accurate, and he wanted to make sure he knew the absolute best way for Marc and himself to deal with things. "You said a name to Marc just before he, uh, left. I couldn't catch it. Too busy with... you know," he said, moving his hands in such a way that it was supposed to show things swapping about.

"I don't really remember going to a GP, not recently at least. Don't even know if I'm registered. I got my eyes checked at Specsavers, though. I've got the little card from them that tells me what's up with my eyes and the prescription for my reading glasses that Marc refuses to wear. They did the thing where they take a photo of the back of your eyeballs as well, to check for blood pressure, but they said it was okay. And work did a thing a couple of months ago where you could go in and get your blood pressure checked, and your heart rate and things like that. We get headaches a lot, but I always thought it was related to what I thought was the sleeping problem." He was rambling now, wasn't he? Crap.

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[info]proud_miserable
2022-07-26 09:33 pm UTC (link)
Cuddy nodded.  "Dan Torrance.  He's our station therapist."   She explained.   "He spoke at the last town hall meeting.   Did you or Marc happen to be there?"  She couldn't remember seeing him, though she'd been focused on her medical talk at the time.

"Marc might not need the reading glasses.  There have been cases of optical differences between alternate personalities.  I'd have to check the research for the reasoning."   Cuddy hadn't expected his diagnosis, and hadn't prepared herself as a result.  "Like the fog, the headaches could be related to a lack of sleep or could have an underlying physical cause.  I'd like you and Marc to start a sleep journal.  You'd write down the time you went to bed, the approximate time you fell asleep, how many times you woke up during the night, how long it took you to fall back asleep, the time you woke up.  You'd do that for any time you slept, overnight and naps." 

"Would you be more willing to let me run tests?"   Cuddy asked.  "Chronic headaches can be a sign of serious medical conditions."

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[info]giftshopist
2022-07-26 11:18 pm UTC (link)
Steven thought hard, and then realised that he had met Dan before, but not at the town meeting. "I met him at the magic seminars. I'm not magic, but I thought it would be interesting to go, see what all people can do, y'know?"

"I'm fine with you running tests, yeah. Not a problem at all." He nodded as he replied, even managing a little smile. If Marc couldn't cope with keeping the body healthy, then Steven would do it for them both. "And I'll explain about the sleep journal to Marc. I might start keeping a journal anyway, because there's times like now when Marc's not around and he's got times when I'm not around, and it might be good to know what he's up to. Not that my side of things is going to be all that interesting, but, he might like it. You never know."

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