InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'll make you scream 'FROGGER'"

Bucky Barnes (assignment) wrote in somerealityrpg,
@ 2021-04-29 20:52:00

Entry tags:

active: bucky barnes, active: carol danvers

Who: Bucky Barnes & Carol Danvers
What: Memory Update
When: Today
Where: His gym
Warnings/Notes: Spoilers for The Falcon & the Winter Soldier; this works as a narrative but open if anyone wants it.

He was getting his own workout in during the early hours of the morning before opening when the visions hit him. A few rounds with the punching bag to work out some mental kinks after the last week or so unable to get any real peace, but something or someone soon threw in a wrench instead. At first he doubted whether he was awake or asleep because it started with a flash that was too close for comfort like one of his nightmares. The flashes hit him one after another to the point that he stopped mid-punch and bent over to catch his breath. This wasn't like the mirrors. He was seeing things he'd never seen before, and he was seeing them in his own mind. What the hell was happening?

'Alright, give me a break. I'm trying, okay? This isn't... this is new for me. I didn't have a moment to deal with anything, you know? I had a little calm in Wakanda. And other than that, I just went from one fight to another for ninety years.'

There was something about hearing your own voice saying words you never remembered saying but somehow still knew had really happened. His metal hand held onto the punching bag for support while his mind took its beating. He saw himself talking to the shrink, sitting in the restaurant with a new friend that he hadn't been honest with, and even going on something that halfway resembled a date. He saw the face of the man the news media was hailing as America's new hero — their new Captain America — and something in him felt almost physically ill seeing him raising Steve's shield. And he saw the confrontation and eventual mission with Sam.

'So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me.'

Both hands were holding onto the bag for support now as the flashes came with a fury and began to blend together. Flashes of the new super soldier threat and his working with Sam to track down the Flagsmashers. Zemo. Sharon. Ayo and the Dora Milaje. The shield dripping with blood. Then something shifted. His time in Louisiana with Sam and his family felt lighter. Like he finally was able to focus on something that wasn't about him, about his past, or how in order to have a future he had to make up for his past. He was just Bucky, whomever that was turning out to be. And that was okay.

Of course it didn't end there, but the rest wasn't as hard to experience as the first had been. Yes, he was headed into another fight, but it didn't feel as heavy.

'Sorry, I was texting, and so all I heard was I'm a black guy in stars and stripes. Nice job, Cap.'

As he was starting to catch his breath, Bucky finally saw what he'd been working towards the entire time. Facing who he'd been forced to be all those years and one of the casualties left behind. What happened to the people he hurt, killed, or left childless may not have been his fault, but that didn't stop him from carrying around the guilt and memory of it all. He'd still carry it, but he didn't have to hold onto it as tight as he had been.

'I have to tell you something about your son. He was murdered. By the Winter Solder. And that was me.'

Bucky didn't know when he'd ended up on the floor leaning against the wall. It wasn't until everything stopped and his mind was his own again that he opened his eyes and took a deep breath. He'd heard about this happening to others here. It wasn't some new cosmic trick or stunt being pulled. This was real, or as real as any of it could be. New memories from home had been dumped into his brain all at once, and Bucky had no idea how to really make heads or tails of some of of it. To his surprise, his first instinct was to ask some of the others if they'd seen some of the same things, but with a pause, he wasn't even sure who to ask. Steve was gone, and the only memories he'd have from home would be ones of old age — or life on the moon, apparently. Sam wasn't Sam, and for the first time since he'd been here back here this second time around, he wished he was here. The two men were more different than alike most of the time, and Bucky knew it wouldn't do any good to try to explain things to him.

While there may have been others he could talk to, Bucky decided to keep some of it to himself for a while. To digest what he'd learned and all that it meant. Not just for him but for those back home too. There was a lot to unpack, some good and some not, but he'd figure out what to do with it eventually. There wasn't any reason or need to rush, so for now, he picked himself back up and picked up where he left off with the punching bag.

The hits to the bag felt as good as hitting John Walker in the face with his metal arm had. Almost.

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callmemarvel
2021-04-30 06:35 pm UTC (link)

There were times that Carol enjoyed Goodland, and times when she was anxious to get home. Since her home-away-from-home had turned up, a facsimile of the Liberty statue from home with her hideout -in as much as a hide-out can be public knowledge- Carol had felt a little more settled than usual. It was nice to have somewhere to get away from things, and somewhere she and America could figure things out without others around.

She didn't always drop by Bucky's gym -she was sure anything she put into 'working out' would just wreck things, and she didn't want to do that to a friends business, even in a fake Manhattan. But she also didn't want to be the type of person to neglect friends because she was embarking on a relationship. So she grabbed burgers, shakes and soda and a million fries, and made her way towards the gym.

"I come bearing food!" Slipping in the door, Carol held up the bags with a flourish before she paused, watching the bag get abused and listening to the strikes in the gym ringing out. "Um... unless you'd like a cinder block to smash instead?" It wasn't exactly an unfamiliar sight—Luke, Logan, Steve, Jess, other Jess, Thor on that one occasion that he lit up the entire Avengers mansion in lighting on an off day. But she wasn't sure if she'd seen any version of Bucky take out frustration on a bag before. "Are you taking your cues from your BFF again?"

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assignment
2021-04-30 09:54 pm UTC (link)

Lost in thought, old memories and new, Bucky didn't realize exactly how intense he'd gotten with the bag. There weren't any classes lined up for the rest of the day, so he hadn't been on the lookout for anyone to drop by either. It wasn't until he heard Carol's voice call out from the entrance that he stopped what he was doing and knew he'd been at this longer than intended.

"A cinder block might put up more of a fight," Bucky replied and turned to see Carol walking in with the aforementioned food. He caught a whiff of the smell of burgers and fries and that was more than enough to pull him away from punishing the punching bag. "Nah. If I started taking more cues from Steve, I'd probably end up apologizing to the bag after knocking it off the chain."

He motioned to the room that was more or less an office. But instead of a desk, computer, or other actual office supplies was a card table, a few handwritten papers showing sign-ups, and a couple folding chairs. "Is this chocolate?" Bucky asked, already reaching for one of the shakes. He smiled a little after confirmation and took a sip before starting on the rest of the food.

"Should I be expecting big news or is this more of a random drop-by?" Not that he minded either way. He didn't know the Carol from home really at all, but he'd gotten along well with both versions that he'd met during his times in Goodland. "Because if your random drop ins come burgers and shakes then you won't hear me object," he said and popped in a fry.

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callmemarvel
2021-04-30 10:54 pm UTC (link)

It was always easy to forget that just because Goodland wasn't the constant near death of home, it was without those days where things sucked. "At least they are your gym bags, and you wouldn't need to write an apology letter to anyone?" It was always easy to rib Steve for all his wholesome ways, even when you knew he had a bunch of other, less wholesome traits.

"Like I'd bring you anything else?" Confirmation, at least, that she wasn't just picking random people to bother. Carol made herself at home, her own food acquired as Bucky tucked into his, "Oh, it's raining chickens outside, Hulk has turned orange, and they're deciding if he needs a rename and everyone is talking backwards. I thought I'd break the news with shakes and burgers." Carol's humour always did need a bit of work.

"Truthfully? I figured we haven't done lunch in a bit. But all of my random drop ins come with food. Given who I live with, I've got a habit of just always doing things with food now." She was going to get fat, and not fit into her supersuit soon. "Y'doing okay?"

Carol figured it was easier to leave it open for Bucky to either unload or just ... work through. She knew it wasn't always time to dump shit on people, and sometimes you just needed to punch some bags because your hair refused to straighten no matter how many times you fried it in a pair of straighteners.

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assignment
2021-05-01 04:19 pm UTC (link)

Killing a punching bag wouldn't have been the first piece of equipment that he'd broken. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident. Though, apology letters weren't exactly Bucky's style... well, not until he started seeing the bits of pieces of his reconciliation. And in those cases, some may have been a little more sincere than others.

Bucky pretended to consider the 'dire' circumstances of what might have been going on outside the doors but gave a half shrug in response. "If the chickens annoy the ostriches enough to make it funny then they can stay. Would you say Hulk is more of an orange slush kind of color or that dark, burnt orange? That might influence a new name for him. And people talking backwards just means I'll listen to most less than I already do."

At the end, there was a small smile behind Bucky taking a bite of the burger. It wasn't a secret that he wasn't exactly the most social of Goodland residents, but he was grateful for the friends he did have that he felt comfortable being himself or joking around with. "Given who you live with, that's a good habit to be in. And even though I won't break things if you don't bring along food, you won't find me turning it down when you do."

He didn't react to her question asking if he was doing okay, but he half wondered if it was more than the normal checking in with a friend. Or maybe that was just his crowded mind projecting. Taking a sip of his shake, he considered how to answer. "I'm okay." He paused for a moment. "A while back... when those fortune cookies showed up, yours gave you memories from home, yeah?"

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callmemarvel
2021-05-02 06:59 pm UTC (link)

"There'd be feathers everywhere." Although some poultry attacks might be a little messy, who would want that? But the hypotheticals were amusing enough, "Oh, definitely slush. But I don't know if anyone would be scared of the Incredible Slush?" Then again, Carol hadn't seen much of Hulk since Goodland, indicating that this version of Bruce must've had a better grasp on things than the one at home. Then again, their homes weren't being destroyed just as regularly.

Carol snorted into her shake, the idea of Bucky ignoring people more than usual would likely mean going full hermit. But sometimes it was just easier to not worry so much about the attachments to people that rarely stuck around. "Groot always expects an offering, but he's a growing tree, so I don't mind." Nebula and Gamora were less pushy, but Peter was definitely a whiner.

The fortune cookie thing felt like a lifetime ago, even though it was probably less than six months back. "Yeah, like a fun movie shoved in my head that I had no control over." Although she was more aware now that it was a potential future, not the actual future. What could happen to them all, maybe a destiny. "It took a while to process, but ultimately," Carol shrugged a shoulder. "Maybe it's better to know?"

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assignment
2021-05-03 03:58 am UTC (link)

"Orange Julius," Bucky offered in reply. "The Incredible Julius?" It still didn't have the same ring to it, but it had to be more intimidating than slush. Maybe. He knew Carol had been joking, but if someone was listening in and this ended up happening? He knew nothing.

Bucky had to laugh at her reaction but just took a couple bites of fries. His tendency to keep to a small circle suited him perfectly fine, and there wasn't a big chance on that changing anytime soon. Once upon a time, he might have been that guy to make friends and charm most he came in contact with, but that was several lifetimes ago by now.

"Yeah, maybe," he started to pick up his drink but paused, considering what she was saying. What he'd seen hadn't been all good, but he did still have a lighter weight in his mind after seeing it -- if that were even possible considering how much he'd seen.

She wasn't wrong about how it all was shoved in her head though. A film reel moving at high speed that allowed him to see but also the sense that he'd lived it too. "I think I may have gotten my version of that movie shoved in my head not long before you got here. Only without the fortune because I'm pretty sure I tossed mine way back when they first showed up. I'm still at the point of figuring out how to process."

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callmemarvel
2021-05-04 10:20 pm UTC (link)

"That would definitely get him some sponsorship. Can you imagine Hulk, but with advertising slogans over his shoulders? Branded pants?" It would take a lot of work, but was there a better advertising campaign?

Although if he'd just gotten a portion of his life shoved into his head, and if this version of Bucky had a similar go of things as the one from her world, well, she didn't doubt that would be a process. Carol didn't know a lot about Bucky Barnes pre-Winter Solider. She'd been an Air Force girl through and through, teasing army boys the whole way. So she'd never really looked into Steve and his merry band of War Heroes.

But she knew Barnes from her team, fighting by her side, the quiet storm cloud energy that bled through sometimes. And knowing what Hydra did to Jessica, she doubted they were any kinder to Barnes in the process of making him their deadly soldier.

"There's no time frame on that, the processing." Carol shrugged lightly, "Mine wasn't that bad, over all. A glimpse of a few days of life with a little background in them, but not a lot of information. So it was easier." It was also somewhat cathartic, knowing that she somehow, at the end, made it so that her friends had a chance of surviving for generations to come. That her sacrifice meant they got to go on. Becoming an exploding star wasn't the worst death in the world.

"Just... let it simmer, mull it over at your own pace, deal with bits of it." Carol fired another fry in her mouth, "Hell, put it in a box and ignore it. We're good at that shit too."

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assignment
2021-05-07 04:01 am UTC (link)

"Plus, free slushies for all Avengers for life," Bucky raised a brow in actual thought. Maybe they should find a way to turn the Hulk orange. Or not. Because that probably wasn't a good idea. Right?

"I wouldn't say that it was... bad. Not all of it. Some I'd rather not revisit if I can help it, but it could have been worse. Especially considering the last five or six or seventy years." The Flagsmashers, Zemo, and every single bit of dealing with John fucking Walker he could have done without, but there was a lot of 'okay' mixed in there too. Maybe even a little bit of good - for once.

"You know about what happened with Thanos before most of us came here? This was some of the fallout." After half the world came back from the nothing they were send to, dealing with his so-called pardon and making amends, and Steve was gone for good.

Bucky tilted his head a bit then nodded along as he listened to Carol. "See, I thought about that — the stuffing it in a box and ignoring it, but then the therapist they put me with would just end up haunting me here too." And what Sam had told him. The Sam there and not here because the Sam here sure as hell wasn't anyone's therapist.

He waved off any reaction she might have had. "Part of my pardon, deal, whatever for being an assassin for over half a century. Government-mandated therapy." And he'd loved it just as much as she thought he had.

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callmemarvel
2021-05-07 04:29 am UTC (link)

It was probably cynical to think that free slushies was a pretty darn good reward for saving the world all the time—they should really get some kind of perk, right?

"That sounds a bit like most of our drama; not all bad, not all good. Just... something." It was usually some mix of things, good things mingling with the bad, enough that they overlooked the bad to focus on the good and keep pushing forward. "Although I feel like you should be due a bit more good with all the shit you've had to deal with." Scrunching the wrapper from her burger up, Carol dropped it back into the bag she'd brought.

The Thanos thing seemed like the biggest pile of shit she'd heard about; they'd lost team mates before, they'd had their entire lives rewritten, dealt with the threat of complete destruction. But they'd never been dealt the kind of blow where they lost so dramatically like that. She imagined it was particularly harrowing. "Yeah, I imagine there'd be a lot of internal tutting over that." It did not surprise her that he had been pushed to get therapy rather than voluntarily seeking it out, and her smirk probably showed that.

"Nothing wrong with that, it might be helpful. Sometimes I feel like we should all be in therapy, but then we might all be committed." And how many of them wouldn't be able to completely process things. "I'm not a therapist at all, but if you do just need to talk, my ear is here."

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assignment
2021-05-09 01:05 am UTC (link)

"There was some of both mixed in there, bad and good, but it was overall... something, like you said." He finished off the shake and almost laughed a little. "I don't know about 'due' but finding a little bit of calm might be nice. We get that maybe forty-ish perfect of the time here? Depending on your version of calm, I guess."

It sure wasn't something he'd ever been able to find at home outside of his days in Wakanda - and some of those were in a cryo chamber as a Winter Soldier popsicle. But if he was being honest with himself, as much as some of their time here had its ups and downs and lots of sideways, it almost felt more manageable than the shit they dealt with at home on a regular basis.

"We might all need to be committed," Bucky said with a wry smile. He knew he didn't always have his head on straight, but that was another problem for another day. "She sometimes sucked as a therapist, but I was a shit patient so maybe it all evened out."

Bucky nodded at her offer and let the words roll around in his head while chewing the last couple bites of his burger. He hesitated in asking the question, but there was one piece he was curious about from her world. There were similarities between the two - people, powers, and even some vague crossover of events, but a lot of differences too. "Did anyone else ever take up the shield in your world? Anyone else besides Steve taking over as Captain America, I mean."

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callmemarvel
2021-05-12 07:57 pm UTC (link)

Her version of calm was probably not fighting every damn day, her version was not having an intergalactic threat every week, her version was Reed Richards not breaking the universe because he was making coffee a different way. But she understood that her version wasn't everyone else's version, at least. This? All the chaos that still came with this. It was pretty damn calm for her.

"We probably do. We still voluntarily do all this." Sucking some milkshake thoughtfully, Carol tried to imagine therapy, opening up enough to do it. She could barely do those media interviews back when they were trying to build up the trust in the Avengers again, could hardly sit and smile and answer unassuming questions, never mind prying ones trying to get to the root of her troubles. It was why it had taken Tony to get her to admit that her drinking was a problem. Why she hadn't gone to AA or found a support group, because how could she explain what led her to drink to people who didn't understand that chaos, carnage and world ending threats.

"It takes trust. Sometimes that takes a while to build. Sometimes it wanes. But if it helps a little in the process, it's good." It was maybe why it hurt as much, not having her Steve and Tony and Jess and Logan. They propped her up, had her back, understood. These people were her friends, and she liked them all, but they didn't fully understand the history there.

"Cap's? Sure, you've been Captain America, Sam and I think Tony offered it to Clint when we thought Steve was dead for a while. But it seems, mostly, to cycle among you, Steve and Sam. Three amigos that you all are."

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