Saturday: Fireworks Who: Jesse and Tayne Where: St. Florian's When: late afternoon
Jesse had spent the majority of the day sitting out on the catwalk with his shirt off, soaking up the light he'd been denied the day before and thinking about the problem of Natalie Price and her death wish. He was still convinced that the only other thing he could do was consult Tayne and see if there was any way he could help, and he only hoped that he could manage it without fumbling around and having his friend think he'd gone around the bend. He should just talk to Tayne about the dreamworld, straight up, but he was concerned that the priest would be self-conscious around him if he knew and believed that he and Jesse had interacted in dreams. There had to be another way.
About an hour before dusk, he finally came inside and showered, then dressed in his usual uniform of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt, this one blue. It was the best he could do for patriotic colors on the 4th of July, because there was nothing red in his wardrobe. He toweled his hair mostly dry and combed through it, figuring it would be the rest of the way dry by the time he walked over to the church. He slid his feet into a pair of flip-flops and left the lighthouse, enjoying the leisurely walk to St. Florian's. He entered the sanctuary, figuring that if Tayne wasn't in there, he'd be around soon, if he was on the grounds anywhere.
Though he had plans to sit somewhere-- far back from the water-- to watch the few fireworks that'd go off on the island proper later tonight, for now Tayne was pacing the farthest end of the church, trying to pound his homily for the next morning into his head. Something appropriate for the holiday the day before, he hoped, and something that he wouldn't stumble over, as long as he'd learned it well enough.
The opening door to the sanctuary was a welcome distraction, though. All that mental work was almost more exhausting than weeding the graveyard or painting the rectory. Seeing that his visitor was Jesse made him smile, though he couldn't help a twinge of concern-- the last time he'd seen the guy, he'd recently been killed. "Well, hey, there."
"Hey," Jesse replied, a smile coming easily to his lips despite the reason he was here. It was always good to see Tayne, even if he wished that one crisis or another didn't always seem to be the reason for it. "Am I interruptin' something?" He hadn't failed to notice that Tayne was pacing around, even if he had no idea why or what he was doing.
"Naw, just workin' on memorizin' my sermon," Tayne answered with a wry smile. "I always got time for a friend." He set his papers down at the pulpit stand, so he wouldn't think about them while he had Jesse there-- not like he would, but still, it was the principle of the thing. "How ya doin'?" No more dying experiences, he hoped....
"I'm all right," Jesse said with a nod and another smile. He felt reasonably calm and mellow today, and he figured a lot of that was due to the amount of sunlight he'd soaked in earlier. He perched himself on the front pew, which seemed to be his usual place when he came in here now, and gazed at the flickering candles a few feet in front of him appreciatively. Then his gaze turned back to Tayne. "How're you?" He had a subject to broach, but it didn't seem right to jump right into it.
"Well as can be, day before Mass," Tayne answered wryly. "Even bein' at this a while now, I still get kinda nervous." He came to join Jesse on the pew, leaning back with a little sigh. "Keep havin' visions of stuttering my way through it an' bein' laughed out of church." He grinned, though, to show it wasn't really a serious fear. Just nerves.
"I bet that never happened," Jesse said, propping one elbow on the back of the pew and resting his head on his hand. He could remember getting nervous on those occasions when he'd preached to the congregation, filling in for the pulpit minister's vacations and such, but he hadn't had a stutter to contend with, at least. He idly picked at the side seam on the thigh of his jeans with his free hand, then said, "Had somethin' I wanted to talk to you about."
Ah, of course. Since they didn't really visit, much, to just hang out. What would they talk about? Tayne sighed a bit, then gave Jesse a little smile. "Sure thing. What's up, man?" Hopefully it wasn't anything immediate-- Tayne didn't think he had the time to deal with an emergency until after Mass tomorrow.
When Tayne sighed, Jesse felt a recurrence of his fear that the priest was going to become tired of him and his increasingly peculiar problems. If it had truly been something that only pertained to him, he would have most likely turned to another line of conversation. However, if Natalie died because he'd been reluctant to ask for help, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. His body language tightened up a bit; he turned to face front and linked his fingers together loosely in his lap, his eyes on the altar as he spoke. "There's a girl in Darkwater who's suicidal... Christian saw her in a vision." Which he had, so Jesse wasn't lying in the slightest. Evading, maybe, since he'd seen Natalie first.
Sitting up a little more, Tayne blinked at him. "Oh? This anyone I know?" It might have been, if she was a churchgoer, or relative of a churchgoer. He didn't go into Darkwater often, but people from Darkwater came here, often enough. Sometimes even if they weren't churchgoers, just to see the graveyard and the stained glass windows and a real, live priest they could harass or ask questions of, or both.
"Her name's Natalie Price," Jesse said. "Christian had the vision of her while he an' his friend Sorcha were at the lighthouse." He felt guilty for not telling the complete story, but his gut instinct told him not to. He disliked knowing Tayne's secrets and Tayne having no idea, but he loved the dreamworld, loved interacting with Tayne there. It was a dilemma, one he pushed aside in favor of something more pressing. "Then we saw her gettin' on the ferry one day, to go across to the mainland. I would've got on too, but--." He drew his hands into the cuffs of his sleeves, a sure sign that he was feeling anxious. "--I couldn't."
Natalie Price. Did he know...? Not personally, he didn't think, but the name was familiar. "I know a few Prices," Tayne said slowly, frowning and thinking. "Might've been in th'prayer requests...." Or maybe a confession. No, that was right, a confession, someone had confessed something about a Natalie, whose name was Price. But he wasn't allowed to use those as evidence for anything, even suicidal intent, and he'd never break that. But he would look it up in his own notes.... "You want me to-- what?" He realized a bit belatedly, with a little sinking feeling. "Go find 'er?"
"We talked about it, and Christian went to see if he could find her," Jesse said, not wanting to answer Tayne's question until he'd given more background. "He took a friend with him, thought Natalie might be more comfortable if there was a girl along, too." He sighed, a quiet exhale of breath. "It didn't go very well. She's a little bit, um... she has some problems." Finally he turned sober blue eyes back to meet Tayne's. "I would go myself," he said, "but I can't leave the island. I know I don't have any right to ask you."
"Now, it ain't no question about right," Tayne told him firmly. "Or maybe it is-- if the girl's in trouble, it's only right somebody look out for her." He just... didn't want to take that ferry ride. D-- curse it. Why did he have to live on a godda-- goshdarned island? He sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. "I got Mass tomorrow. But tomorrow evenin' or Monday, latest, I can make a trip over to th'mainland. Don't know if I can do much better than your friend, but I'll sure do my best." He hoped Jesse had an address.
"She's in bad trouble," Jesse said softly, but he couldn't really say anything else about it. He only hoped that Natalie could hang on a little longer; he knew Tayne had responsibilities here and couldn't just pick up and go off to the mainland immediately. It wouldn't be reasonable to expect. He could give Tayne the address based on what Christian had told him, and maybe Tayne would be able to make a difference. He fervently hoped so, anyway. "Thank you," he said, hoping his expression showed how appreciative he was that Tayne was willing to take this on.
"Don't thank me until I been in to see her, and do her some good, if I manage," Tayne answered, a little embarrassed by that look and blushing just a bit. It made him feel all kinds of awkward. "There an excuse you or Christian might have for me to go visit, or should I just tell the girl the truth?" He could at least bring some soothing magic to the table, if she needed it, if the Bible and friendly face wasn't enough.
"It means a lot that you'd be willin' to do that," Jesse said. "I just want her to know... that her life's important." He was deeply aware of the irony of him, of all people, saying that considering what he'd done to his own. But he had to wonder, as he had since he'd come back, if even his suicide had been part of a greater plan. The mysterious ways of God still eluded him, as they should. He took a few seconds to think over Tayne's question, then replied, "The truth. She was upset by Christian's visit, but I'm thinkin' you're so much more used to dealin' with people that maybe you could make her see." He had great faith in Tayne, something which was probably very apparent.
It'd been a hell of a long time since anyone had looked at him like that, like he could really do anything, and Tayne just blushed a little more, and hope that he did do some good for the girl, if just not to let Jesse down. Though obviously he hoped, for her sake, too. "Truth it is, then. There, uh, there any more you can tell me? Suicidal, didn't take your friend comin' to bother her too well, mainland... anythin' else?"
Jesse's curious eyes were on Tayne's face, noting its unnaturally pink color. Was that because of him? It would probably be best to pretend not to notice, he thought. He shifted his gaze to the front of the church again. "I feel like I know her, even though we've never met," he said softly. The dreamworld created a sort of empathy that he'd never quite reached before, even though he might have come close in his years of working with teenagers. "She isn't well. Mentally, I mean. I get the feelin' from Christian that if she's on meds, she doesn't take 'em like she should." She was lost, in total despair... but he couldn't say that to Tayne without giving away more than he should.
"Ah. Thanks, that's somethin' that'll help." Tayne nodded, relieved that he could have an outside explanation for getting help, if he needed it. At the very least, if she rebuffed him, he could go to a psychiatrist or social worker for backup, as long as she managed to incriminate herself a little, when he talked to her. He'd worked with a couple troubled teens since getting here-- not to this extent, but enough that he knew the proper channels. And thinking about proper channels helped with the embarrassment. So did asking questions. "How old is she? D'ya know?"
"If I had to guess, I'd say eighteen, nineteen," Jesse replied. This wasn't based so much on what Christian might have told him as it was his own observation of the girl. So young to be so troubled, but then he knew from experience that mental illness didn't limit itself to older people. A couple of his fingers started to spark randomly, and he lifted his hand, concentrating on the light and watching it glow and change until all five fingers were streaming light. It was nice that he didn't have to try to hide it in front of Tayne.
Momentarily reminded of a dream that had some kind of glow like that in it, Tayne smiled down at Jesse's hand. "You're gettin' better at that," he commented. He knew what he needed to know about Natalie Price, he could look up a little more, and tomorrow... well, after Mass he'd have to brave the ferry ride. Maybe he could get all his mainland errands for the month done, and stay over there a few days. For now, though, he wanted to think about something not water-related. Jesse's magic counted.
"If it's been a really bright day, it doesn't hurt like it does sometimes," Jesse said. His hands hadn't buzzed and crackled with static at all. Today he felt strong and simply full of energy, and he'd noticed in the mirror before he'd left the lighthouse that his skin had picked up a bit of color. Being in that much bright sunlight made him feel contented even taking into account the problem with Natalie. He concentrated, and the light rose higher from his fingers, looking like Fourth of July sparklers. Which was actually appropriate today.
Tayne cast a quick glance behind him at the doors to the church, decided it was probably safe to play along a little, and with a couple murmured words and a quick couple motions, he pulled his own light into being. It melded in with Jesse's, making different colored sparkles. "Makes up for not being able t'see the fireworks on th'mainland, hey?" he suggested. He'd been kind of tempted to make his own, magically, for the folks stuck here, but he didn't want anyone to know it was him. And it'd be more magic than he'd cast in a year or two, so maybe it'd be a bad idea.
"Yeah," Jesse said, his expression a touch wistful. He wouldn't have minded seeing a fireworks show, but of course he couldn't go to the mainland, so that was out. He lifted his hand a little more and lined his palm up with Tayne's, not touching it but close. It made him think of being in Tayne's room in that dream; they'd done almost this exact same thing. After Tayne had kissed him, and he definitely didn't need to think about that, because it would make him blush. "Pretty," he said of the combination of lights.
It almost made Tayne feel guilty, the tiny little rush of giddy pleasure that came from being so close to someone he... okay, he liked. Had a goddamned crush on, in fact. Sorry. For both things. Since the crush was a sin, too, or so most of the church authority liked to spout. He did manage to keep control of his spell, though, just barely, and he focused on the light manipulation instead of Jesse's face, or he'd be blushing again, too. "There's gonna be a few little ones, over by the Shoppes, there always is. Kids, mostly."
Jesse couldn't help liking Tayne-- in a friend way, of course-- and it seemed natural to be close and touchy with him. Often it would occur to him belatedly that something he was doing might make Tayne uneasy, and he'd try to stop. His friend didn't really look uncomfortable with this, though, so it didn't occur to him to move. "Worth seein', or should I not bother?" he asked, not sounding as if he'd be perturbed either way.
Tayne looked up at Jesse's face briefly, with a little bit of a grin. "Why? You like fireworks?" If he liked fireworks... hmm. Maybe he should try to spruce things up a bit... maybe. He imagined Jesse would like that. He'd liked the little attention-getter light he'd made, before, didn't he? It'd be something he could do for the guy, since he couldn't feed him.
Not that he needed things to do for him. He wasn't courting the man, dammit. Sorry!
"Yeah, I like 'em," Jesse replied. "We used to have a party every year, at the church I was from, either on the Fourth if it fell on a weekend night or else near it." He smiled a little, thinking of a time that was forever lost to him. "We'd cook out, then after dark, some of the guys would shoot a ton of fireworks. The big ones that're almost professional quality." Idly, he wondered if they'd had the fireworks show last year, so soon after his death. That was probably a morbid thing to be wondering, so he tried to banish the thought.
"Ain't likely to be many of those, over here on the island, but...." Tayne shrugged, grinning a little more. "You never know, either. The local kids don't 'xactly tell their priest what kinds of illegal fireworks they got stashed away for the Fourth. You can prob'ly see anything worth seeing from the lighthouse, anyhow." Yeah. He'd make sure Jesse could. And Jesse didn't even have to know it was him, so then he wouldn't be anything like courting. So there.
"I guess I'll be out there t'see what I can see," Jesse said agreeably, giving Tayne a lopsided little grin. Then he pulled his hand back and wriggled his fingers as the light fizzled out; he laced his fingers together in his lap. "Wonder what it'd be like if I got put somewhere there's light all the time? Isn't it Alaska that has all daylight durin' some times of the year?" It wouldn't work out so well when it was all dark, but since it was a rhetorical question anyway, it didn't matter so much.
"Anywhere far 'nuff north or far 'nuff south, you get a month or two with no night," Tayne agreed, though he hadn't ever been there. The thought of going anywhere that cold made him shiver a little, just imagining it. "But then you'd wind up with a month're two of no day, an' then where wouldja be? I don't think I could stand it, someplace that cold, with times with no day.... Then again, I'm from Texas. I think anywhere that gets less'n sixty degrees is barbaric."
"I dunno if I could survive with no light," Jesse said thoughtfully. "Well... guess I would if God wanted me to, but since it's what I live on? I can't imagine it." It was strange how comfortable he felt sitting here, having this rambling conversation with Tayne. It was enjoyable, and he hoped he wasn't boring the other man or keeping him from something else he needed to do. He half-turned on the pew again and propped his head up with his hand. "It useta get cold in Nashville in the winter sometimes, but usually it didn't last long. I didn't like twenty degrees all that much, myself."
Considering how few people came to just chat with Tayne, he certainly didn't matter. It was talk with Jesse about something that wasn't life-threatening or terrible, as if they were actually friends. Of course he was gonna like that. "Suppose Nashville ain't that bad. I went through there a couple times. Nothin' like the Arctic, though, or even really like Colorado or Montana." He shuddered theatrically. "Give me sun and warmth any day, even if it's a d-dang desert."
"I was never any of those places," Jesse said, a slight wistfulness imbuing his tone again. Now he never would be, he didn't suppose. Even being alive again, such as he was, was more than he would have thought he'd experience, so he shouldn't complain. "Been to the desert, though. We went to a youth event in Phoenix once, and it was so hot there, but it was a dry heat. S'what everyone said, anyway." He smiled dreamily. "Never saw anything like those cacti before."
Laughing a bit, Tayne said, "Cacti are awesome. And dangerous. I wound up with more pins stuck in me, I swear...." He shook his head a bit, grinning at the memory of landing in one, once. It had been hell, at the time, of course, but it looking back he could laugh at how stupid he'd been, and how pathetic he'd been while his brother had tried to get them all out and he'd twitched like a wimp. "Maybe someday whatever yer doin' here'll be done," he added, a little hopefully. "And then you'll be free t'see other places."
Privately Jesse thought that once his work here was done-- if it ever was-- he'd be either back to limbo or he'd experience true death. He didn't want to say that to Tayne, however, because their conversation had turned to pleasanter, lighter things. "How'd you do that?" he wanted to know when Tayne said he'd wound up with pins stuck in them. He hadn't got stuck by one himself when he'd been in Arizona, but he'd probably taken a hundred pictures of them. Everyone had laughed at him, but he hadn't cared. They were just neat.
"You really wanna hear the story of me embarrassin' myself?" Tayne asked with a little groan, but he was smiling, too. He didn't mind sharing. At least it hadn't been a hunting trip-- not that kind of hunting, anyway-- so he thought it was safe enough to share. "It was a family vacation, is all, and we were after jackrabbits, because, well, we're from Texas. Shooting small game is practic'ly an olympic sport. Except there's more than jackrabbits out there, too, there's rattlers and scorpions-- and fire ants. Guess which one distracted me an' sent me flailing into a cactus?"
"'Course I do," Jesse replied when Tayne asked him. Who didn't want to hear about people doing embarrassing things sometimes? His expression was attentive as Tayne told him how he'd come to get up close and personal with a cactus, and he had to chuckle at the ending question. "That'd be hard to say," he said. "I'd be real leery of any of those... 'specially the rattler."
"It was the ants," Tayne answered sheepishly. "I got an ant on me and flipped my sh-- my lid-- and fell over and landed in the cactus. My brother still ain't let me live that one down." And they'd been, what, thirteen and fifteen, at the time? Yeah, it was a long time to still make fun of your brother, but that's what family was for, right?
"Think it might've been better to let the ant bite you," Jesse said, perfectly deadpan. He wasn't all that familiar with fire ants, but he couldn't imagine how one of them could be worse than having to pull cactus needles out of one's skin. He smiled then, his blue eyes warm. "'S'what brothers're for. Mine was always like that, too." He missed his siblings, couldn't think about them too much because it filled him with a bitter sadness. All his fault, of course.
"Big brothers, even worse than most," Tayne agreed with a groan. He was probably as cut off from his family as Jesse was, though more self-imposed than anything else. He'd done his best to just disappear off the face of the earth, to them. It hurt sometimes, but he thought it'd probably hurt more to see their faces when they found out about his loss of "the faith". Their faith. He didn't even want to think about it. "Well, at least you eventually get big enough that they can't beat you up anymore, right?"
"I was the big brother," Jesse said, amusement in both his expression and his tone. "I was six when he was born, so I don't think I ever really beat him up." Jesse had always been a pacifist, anyway, not prone to getting into schoolyard fights or other conflicts. He hadn't enjoyed Jason following him around, as younger sibs were prone to do, but he'd usually put up with it somewhat before putting his foot down. "Had a little sister, too." He'd been the oldest, and hadn't he ultimately provided a stellar example for them? His gaze ticked down to his lap, and he worried at his lower lip with his teeth. Despite his state of being now, there were still things he had difficulty dealing with.
"Aaah. I got to be middle child. Big brother, and younger sister, too. She was always following us boys around, tryin' to get in on our fun...." Tayne smiled a bit, remembering, but then focused back down on Jesse and cocked his head, looking a little concerned for the expression on his friend's face. Was family a touchy subject for the guy? It didn't really seem like it had been, but he looked so... troubled. "You okay?"
Jesse didn't make Tayne fish it out of him. His eyes still lowered, he said, "Just wish they didn't have t'remember me like that. I did wrong by 'em." He had no way of knowing who'd found him, naked in the bathtub, arms butchered from wrist to elbow, but it had to have been horrible. He pulled in a silent breath and lifted his head to give Tayne a wan smile. "Yeah, I'm okay." There wasn't a great deal he could do about it now, at this late date.
He didn't sound okay. Or, really, look okay. Tayne winced a little, remembering what Jesse'd said about his death-- not much, but enough to know the cause, at least-- and thinking the same thing. "Y'know... I don't know that they'd necessarily think bad of you... don't think most folks think bad of that kind of death. Just... sad." Mortal sin or not-- Tayne wasn't sure what to think on that, really, but he was starting to think more that perhaps it wasn't. Not if Jesse was here, again, doing God's work, for a purpose. But he knew all deaths hurt the people around them, especially when you didn't understand why.
"Doesn't matter anymore what they think about me," Jesse said. "It's just--." He swallowed, an ache in his throat that he tried to talk around. "What if they think I'm in Hell? Nobody wants to think of someone they love endin' up there." He had caused more hurt than he liked to think about, not only for his family but for his friends, his church, his former youth group. But if he'd been supposed to end up here, then he wasn't sure how to view the pain he'd left behind. His immediate family would live with what he'd done for the rest of their lives. After a pause, he added, "I was at my funeral."
"That-- you were?" Tayne shot him a slightly startled glance. He hadn't been aware that Jesse had been... well... aware, before coming back to the world two weeks ago. "At your funeral...? What... uh, what do you remember from it?" He thought maybe Jesse ought to talk about it, since he'd mentioned it. And maybe he'd remember something that would make him feel a little better about it all, if he thought about it.
"I died," Jesse said, his gaze turning downward again, "and I don't remember anything after that for a while. Several days, I guess. Then I woke up. That's the only way I know how to describe it." Wasn't this a morbid subject for what was supposed to be an ordinary little chat? His vision blurred suddenly. "Wasn't there, then I was. In my coffin, open for the viewin' and the funeral." He worked to keep his voice from wavering. All through the interminable months of limbo, he'd wondered why. Why had he returned to awareness at that moment?
Unable to help it, Tayne reached over to put a hand on Jesse's shoulder comfortingly. "What'd you see, Jesse? 'Sides yourself? Did you stay for the whole funeral?" Did he see his family? Had it just been a chance for himself to say goodbye, or for them to say goodbye, in a silent kind of way? God was mysterious and often confusing, but he had a reason for everything, this Tayne didn't doubt.
"I heard people before I saw 'em," Jesse said. "Talkin' about why I'd do something like that. When I realized where I was, I jumped out of the coffin. Nobody saw me." He welcomed the weight of Tayne's hand on his shoulder, but he couldn't quite look up at him. "So I sat down on the front row, with my family. Saw an' heard what I did to 'em, up close." That had been the worst part, and he couldn't help wondering if that had been a punishment of sorts for him, or a lesson. "I stayed, and I listened, and I watched," he added, his voice very low. "Then everyone left to go to the graveyard, and I watched 'em wheel my body out."
This wasn't exactly a subject that had ever come up in seminary. What did you say about being a ghost at your own funeral? Tayne shut his eyes briefly, praying for some kind of guidance, and asked, "How did they sound? Your family, and friends, and all?" That was the first thing to ask. How Jesse felt, that was next.
Jesse's head was still lowered, too, and as much as he tried, he wasn't able to stop himself from leaking around the eyes. "Like I tore out their hearts," he whispered. He'd been too mired in how he felt to give much thought to how they were going to feel after he was gone. "They didn't understand why, an' I wished--." He paused, trying to collect himself, letting his eyes close as he sat there. "--I wished I hadn't done it, but it was too late."
Hell. The thing Tayne wanted to do most he didn't dare do, as much for Jesse's pride as his own messed up feelings. But he did squeeze Jesse's shoulder as reassuringly as he could. "Nobody ever knows, in cases like that, Jesse. I don't think it'll break them, not knowing... s'more about how they move on, y'know?" There were ways to find out, of course. Tayne could look up Jesse's family, whether through magical or mundane means... but he didn't know that Jesse needed it fixed. He just wanted to fix it, and make Jesse feel better however he could. Some direction'd be awesome about now, he prayed, though without a lot of hope that he'd get it. God didn't exactly work like that.
"I know," Jesse murmured. He'd seen his brother and his mom during that year when he'd been in limbo, although he knew they hadn't been able to see him, but he hadn't encountered his sister or his father. Was that because they'd found closure, or was there some other mysterious reason of which he was unaware? "'S'why I wanna help her," he said, lifting the cuff of one sleeve to quickly swipe at his eyes. "I don't want her family to go through what mine did. I want her to live." He knew Natalie wouldn't end up as he had if she succeeded in killing herself, but where specifically she'd end up wasn't the point. She was so young, and there was so much of life ahead of her, if they could get her stabilized.
Sensing it safe to give the guy what he wanted so badly to give him, now, Tayne slid over just enough to give his shoulders a one-armed hug, an appropriately masculinely affectionate one. "And we'll figure somethin' out for her, I promise. All else fails, as a priest, I can get her clinical help through that... wantin' to kill herself thing. That's actionable, long's it ain't actually told to me in confession." And even then, he'd have found a way to get it out of the person in question outside of the sacrament, and strongly counsel getting help, in the meantime. That much, he could do. "If there's anythin' I can do for you, you just ask, too, a'ight?"
Jesse would've had to admit that it was nice to be touched, to feel a warm, solid arm around him. He hoped he wasn't making the situation too difficult for Tayne, knowing what he knew. "I knew I could count on you to help," he said, lifting his head now that he had more control of his emotions. "Feel like I'm imposin' on you sometimes." What was important right now was Natalie, though, not how he or Tayne might feel about it. When Tayne said for him to ask if there was anything he could do for him, he smiled a faint, somewhat rueful smile. "I ask all the time," he said, his tone softer. "You do a lot for me. Wish there was somethin' I could do for you, in return."
Since he had no idea what Jesse knew, Tayne didn't feel like Jesse was making anything difficult, at all, aside from just being himself and really damn good-looking. No, it was all Tayne and his own stupidness. "Bein' imposed on is what priests are for, man. I'm okay with imposing." As for what Jesse could do for him... there really wasn't anything. Nothing more than time and affection, even completely platonic affection, like this. "And I'm okay with you just bein' my friend, in return. A guy could use some good friends around, I 'magine." And pretty much all of his friends were either female, or oddly childlike, if Art counted. So Jesse was certainly welcome.
Jesse really felt as if Tayne had saved his life, in a way. He had no idea what he would have done without the man's friendship and guidance since he'd been here. Christian had been helpful, as well, and Jesse valued his company, but Tayne was much more stable, to say the least. "You got that," he said of his friendship. "I appreciate you, so much." He reached up to pat Tayne's hand that still rested on his shoulder, feeling much better and lighter now that he'd vented some emotion, not to mention found some additional help for Natalie.
Okay, now they were getting into "damn unfair" and "could be awkward" territory, and Tayne, though he was pleased, also couldn't help a blush and a slightly sheepish grin. "Glad to be of service," he answered, giving the shoulders under his arm a squeeze before letting his arm fall back, onto the pew instead of Jesse himself. He did have an idea, though. "Though if you wanna help... wanna hear the sermon and tell me if it needs help? Or will you be here tomorrow, and you don't want me spoiling it?"
It was probably enough emotion for the moment. Jesse didn't want either of them to become uncomfortable, so it was most likely time to switch to something lighter. "I could listen," he said agreeably. "If I do come, it wouldn't hurt me to hear it again." He hadn't yet come to one of Tayne's masses, but that didn't mean he wouldn't. He didn't think that being a certain religious denomination or other made a great deal of difference with his life the way it was now.
Tayne tended to be of the same thought. While being Catholic was what he was, he certainly didn't begrudge anyone for being Lutheran or Foursquare or even Mormon. He was slowly learning that lesson in regards to all things... even if it was a painful one. "Well, it might bore you t'death," Tayne suggested with a wry grin, getting up to go retrieve his notes-- well, the speech itself, actually, since he wrote the whole things out, the better to memorize them with.
Jesse sat back in the pew when Tayne got up, slouching a little, crossing one foot over the opposite knee. "And me without any rotten tomatoes to throw," he joked, then tossed his head to get his bangs out of his eyes. He couldn't imagine being bored listening to Tayne speak, no matter what the topic. He had one of those voices that was easy to listen to, somehow soothing. Of course, it was possible that he'd projected his feelings about Tayne onto that, but at any rate, he was willing to listen to the sermon twice if need be.
Because it deserved it, Tayne... well, went with his second urge. His first wasn't one he'd indulge in anymore, no matter who it was or what the offense was. Priests did not flip people off, even playfully. So his second urge, it was: he stuck his tongue out at Jesse with all the dignity at his priestly disposal, then composed himself with a self-conscious little cough, and began.
~~~~
After Jesse had left St. Florian's, he'd wandered over to the Shoppes area, since Tayne had said that was where any fireworks that were shot off tonight might be seen. It was nearly dark, and he seated himself on one of the benches that were scattered around the brick walkways. There were people everywhere, milling around, sitting on every available surface, sipping on drinks, eating popsicles. It was nice to be in the midst of them, even if he wasn't exactly like them anymore. Jesse enjoyed just zoning out, waiting for whatever was in store.
Tayne was there, too, putting off memorizing the rest of his sermon a little while longer, and half-hiding in the shadow between two buildings where a screen of teens and older island residents made him harder to make out. He didn't really expect Jesse to see him-- nor did he really expect anyone to guess he was behind what was going to happen-- but it seemed better not to take his chances.
The young fellow in charge of the few fireworks was one Tayne knew well enough-- he didn't leave the island much, except for school, when he could get away from it. Tayne felt a little bad that he was going to be stealing his "show", but he thought the crowd would appreciate it, at least. He knew Jesse would.
It was full dark now, and the guy was getting ready to light his first firework. Tayne grinned to himself, feeling downright mischievous for the first time in years, and started whispering, a longer spell for a more complicated result.
Jesse smiled as the first firework shot up into the sky and exploded in a multi-colored shower of light. Somehow, he hadn't expected quite as much power from what didn't look like a particularly large cardboard cone. There were murmurs from all around, as if the other onlookers were surprised too. He could smell the distinctive aroma of spent powder in the air, and as the breeze tossed his hair, he realized that right then, he was happy. Sure, in the back of his mind he was still concerned about Natalie, but he'd done all he could do regarding her for the moment. It felt like any festive summer night before all the bad things had happened.
A few complicated finger-passes and a long string of Latin later, and the second firework that went up exploded, too-- but much larger and more spectacularly than the last. The simple red sparks became vibrantly red, white, and blue in a starburst, more like the professional show on the mainland. The light spread more slowly than the first, too, and the ends of the white sparklers, instead of merely fizzing out, spiraled downwards in dancing patterns before fading. Tayne was pleased, though the official fireworks guy looked startled and confused.
Jesse was, of course, looking at the fireworks, admiring the patterns of light in the sky, but when he looked down again, he noticed that the man shooting off the fireworks looked as if they weren't what he'd expected. That got him curious, and he got up from his seat to wander in that direction. He couldn't imagine why the guy would be displeased; probably, the fireworks display on the mainland wasn't much better than this one, even if it was larger scale.
Despite his frown, the fireworks fellow-- Henry Franco was his name-- was already setting up his next display, shaking his head and thinking, at least for the moment, that maybe he'd just accidentally gotten something a little bigger and fancier than what he'd paid for. It was probably cruel of him, but Tayne, already focusing and murmuring for his next illusory display, was so looking forward to surprising him again. He'd check on Jesse after the next, to see whether he was enjoying the show....
The third firework, ordinarily a simple ball-shaped bloom, turned into a double explosion, one that was the actual firework, and another that continued further up in the sky and then exploded again, bigger and noisier and with sparkles of six different colors rather than just one. Tayne was proud of that one, though already he could tell he was getting a headache, and his hands weren't as steady as he'd like. Illusions didn't require that much power, but they were tricky.
Jesse stopped walking when he was about three yards away from Franco, since he couldn't get much closer without being unsafe. He watched the fireworks arc up into the air and wondered why Tayne had told him that the show here wasn't all that impressive. Maybe it was different this year, was the only thing he could think of. It made him think of home and his previous life in a way that didn't hurt, and that was just what he'd needed tonight.
The second and unplanned-for explosion made Henry Franco jump, and squint up at the unexpected batch of sparkles twirling down. "The hell...?" he muttered, probably just barely audible to Jesse over the sound of the cheering and the fizzling of the fireworks, but more just easy to read in his face and mouth, even if he couldn't hear him. Tayne wished he could apologize to him, but that would reveal what he'd done, and he couldn't risk it. Maybe he'd anonymously send him some of Art's cookies.
He paused to let Franco load a couple himself, so he could rest his brain and his magic for a minute, and looked for Jesse. To his surprise and dismay, the familiar face wasn't where he'd sat before the show started. Tayne looked around, disappointed, hoping he hadn't just... left.
Jesse couldn't miss the man's reaction, and he ended up edging closer, choosing his moment for when the guy was preparing to fire up another one but before he had. "Everything okay?" he called, raising his voice to be heard over the crowd. It wasn't as if there was anything he could do if it wasn't okay, but his curiosity was piqued now, and what would it hurt to ask?
Franco jumped again; he hadn't realized anyone else was so close. "Stand back, people shouldn't be too close," he said, waving a hand at him. "Everything's-- uh, everything's fine." As if he was going to try and explain that those might have been fireworks, but they weren't his fireworks! How well would that go over with some strange guy? He tried to smile, and turned back to lighting another rocket.
Back in the shadows, Tayne was scanning the crowd with less and less hope. It looked like Jesse really had disappeared.... He sighed, and glanced back at Franco-- and there was Jesse. Aw, shit. Sorry. He was probably in for it, now, wasn't he?
Jesse hadn't thought he was all that close, but he obediently stepped back anyway. It was a puzzle that he wasn't going to get an answer for, evidently. Someone jostled him, and he stumbled a little, taking a few steps back toward the nearby buildings, inadvertently putting himself fairly close to where Tayne was lurking. His mind was busily at work on trying to figure out why the fireworks guy was acting so surprised.
Now Tayne didn't know what to do. Jesse was right there. He couldn't do any more spells, not with Jesse right there. Had Franco said anything? Had Jesse guessed? Tayne leaned against the building and ran a hand over his eyes. The illusions were done with, anyway; hopefully Jesse wouldn't turn around.
The next rocket went up with a whistle and exploded into a much more ordinary shower of bright blue sparks. It was still pretty, but it wasn't like the previous ones.
Jesse watched the fireworks for a few more minutes, looking contemplative. They were fairly ordinary now, and that was strange too. Didn't people who planned fireworks shows usually save the most impressive for last, like a grand finale? If he'd been Franco, that's what he would have done. But the man had looked like he'd had no idea that that would happen.... Hmm. Who did he know who could manipulate light besides himself? He was dismissing the flicker of a thought that had come into his brain even as somebody else bumped into him and he decided to go over and lean against the nearest wall; as he turned to do so, he saw someone in the alleyway between the two buildings who looked familiar.
Tayne had very nearly tried to slip away, but he found his knees a little unsteady-- he was apparently more out of practice than he thought, and that on top of the morning blessings on the church had left him exhausted-- so he just stayed put and hoped he wasn't noticed. And if he was... well, he'd just face the music.
And just as the show was ending, there was Jesse, looking right at him. Tayne smiled sheepishly and lifted a hand to wave, just a little.
It took Jesse a few seconds to realize that it was really Tayne. He'd thought he might be imagining things based on what he'd been thinking a few moments ago. A smile tugging at his mouth, he wandered in that direction. "Did you do what I think you did?" he asked once he got close enough. His tone wasn't accusatory but rather curious and slightly bemused.
"Uh. Maybe?" Tayne winced, but with embarrassment and good humor rather than anything else. "D'pends on what you're thinkin' I did." Yep, time to face the music, all right. He ran a hand over his hair self-consciously, looking up at Jesse and hoping that bemusement was either going to turn into amusement, or at least a real smile. Nobody seemed to be paying them much attention, anyway; the show was over, and most people were either still applauding or already getting up to head home to beers and leftover barbecues.
Jesse had to smile at Tayne's expression, if nothing else. He could only imagine what the guy might have looked like as a kid, caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "I think you might've enhanced those fireworks a little. That guy sure looked surprised." It would never have occurred to him that Tayne might have done that for his benefit. He figured his friend had been messing around with the effects for the benefit of everyone watching the show. "It was neat," he added, leaning one shoulder against the brick wall.
"Gladja thought so," Tayne answered, a little relieved that Jesse wasn't annoyed by it, or anything-- it was easy to imagine a former preacher being annoyed, at a frivolous use of something technically not meant for human use, anyway. And a little more relieved that he didn't seem to be taking it personally. "'pparently I'm out of practice, though. Three fireworks, and I'm worn out."
"Maybe you should practice more," Jesse said, only half-joking. "Think anyone'd notice if you started shooting off fireworks in the churchyard?" He had no problems with Tayne's magic. How could he have, considering what he was now? Some people would probably consider him an abomination. He pushed off from the wall again, adding, "Want company for the walk home? I'm headed that way now." The lighthouse was a short ways past St. Florian's.
"Sure." Would his knees hold him? Yeah, they would. Tayne pushed up from the wall, too, and dusted off his hands. "And I should practice more... th'gift might well give up on me, if I don't use it." That was his theory, anyway. It went hand in hand with it being a god-given gift. You didn't ignore or turn down those, even if... you couldn't use them for the purpose you were best at with him, anymore. "S'one reason I bless the church so often. Keeps it active, on top of keeping th'church safe and my flock more at peace, if only for th'day."
Now it was time to thread their way through the throngs of people at the Shoppes to get to the road, and even Jesse with his uncanny amount of patience was tiring of it by the time they got clear of it. "It feels like a good place," he offered when Tayne talked about how he blessed the church often. "Wonder if that's 'cause of what it is, or because of the blessings?" He'd felt soothed by the place right from the start, and he often felt drawn there when he was upset.
"Couldn't tell ya for sure, every person reacts diff'rent," Tayne shrugged, mostly just following along after Jesse, letting the bigger man lead the way so he didn't have to fight his was through or get jostled as much. "Could be you're sensitive to th'magic. Could be you just like churches. Could be a bit of both." He shot Jesse a wan sort of grin. It was probably a bit of both.
Jesse was relieved when they were completely out of the crowd. He'd never been much of a crowd person when he'd been alive, and he still wasn't. He sighed and then glanced over at Tayne, noticing that he didn't look as if he felt tip-top. "Could be," he agreed, then added, "You all right?" There was concern in his eyes as he scrutinized his friend. He wasn't sure what he could do about it if Tayne wasn't, but the question wanted asking.
"Oh, I'm fine." Tayne endeavored to walk a little straighter, tucking his hands into his pockets so they wouldn't tremble. "Just wore myself right out, is all. I'll get some sleep and be good as new." Early bedtime for him, tonight. Hopefully he'd still have time to finish his sermon memorizing... he should. He thought he would. Unless Jesse stayed a while, in which case... well, he might just need a nap tomorrow before he faced the ferry.
"'Least it's not far," Jesse said of the church. "We'll be there in just a few." He stayed close, so he could steady Tayne if needed. He felt as if he'd taken up enough of Tayne's time today. They'd get to the church, he'd say goodnight, and then he'd go back to the lighthouse. Maybe listen to some music from the radio, read the Bible, then go out onto the catwalk and pass the night in other people's dreams.
"Yup. So you think-- you know, everybody enjoyed that?" Tayne asked. He wanted to know that Jesse had, but knowing that everyone did would be pretty cool, too. He should've thought of trying that on his own, anyway, without needing to impress anybody or make any particular person happy... maybe he'd try to make a habit of it, for other fireworks celebrations. That'd be good practice, too.
"Yeah, I think they did," Jesse replied, his own hands tucked into his pockets as they walked along. "I know I did." It reminded him of the dreamworld somehow-- unique, captivating, somehow unreal-- and he wondered if anybody would be dreaming of fireworks tonight. He might find out. What would Natalie be dreaming of? Probably death, again. He pushed the thought away, because he wanted to enjoy the few moments of peace he'd found, the absence of worry.
"Good. Seems like somethin' to do to lift the mood a little." For everybody. Even for him. For a little bit, planning the illusions and working the spells out ahead of time, he'd been distracted from worrying, too. He'd forgotten that he had to get on a boat tomorrow, and even a little bit about everything else that usually hung over him. Maybe he did need to do things like that more often.
"It was good," Jesse affirmed. After that, he was content to be quiet as they walked along the well-kept, almost quaint streets that would lead them to the church. In the distance, the sound of random fireworks could still be heard, and he imagined they would be until well after midnight. He wondered if he'd be able to see any of those from the catwalk of the lighthouse, and he supposed that later on he could find out. He slowed as they reached the entrance to St. Florian's grounds. "Here we are," he said.
Tayne was perfectly happy to walk quietly, with Jesse, and look up at the stars and pretend he wasn't a priest and Jesse wasn't... whatever Jesse was... and they were just friends, walking home from hanging out together. It was a pleasant daydream, really, and Tayne was almost sad to find himself at the parking lot to the church, with the sanctuary one way and the rectory the other way. "Yeah. Yeah, here we are. Guess I'd better get back to that sermon...." And eat something, too. That'd help the unsteadiness.
"Get some rest, too, okay?" Jesse suggested. "You could use it, after all that." Tayne looked extremely tired still, and he imagined he would be until he slept it off. "G'night." After a few seconds' thought, he extended a hand to be shaken. It was a fairly standard greeting and farewell where he'd come from.
"Trust me, there'll be sleeping going on." Lots and lots of sleeping. And eating. But the sermon came first... it was gonna be a long couple hours until bed. The afterthought of the hand made Tayne smile, and he reached over to clasp Jesse's hand in his warmly. "G'night, man. I'll be gone a few days, over on th'mainland, but I'll drop by soon's I'm back."
"Take care," Jesse said, his expression shifting back to sober as he remembered that Tayne would be doing something that he should be doing himself. Something he couldn't do because he could not leave the island. He had to remind himself once more that there was no help for it, and he was fortunate that Tayne was willing to do it. "'Night," he said again, then turned to continue his walk to the lighthouse.
"Night, Jesse." Tayne made sure not to stand there looking after Jesse for too long. Just a minute or so. Then he sighed, turned away, and headed for the sanctuary. He needed his notes... and to lock up the back before he headed home. He could beat himself up about Jesse later.