. (lostrequiem) wrote in solsticerp, @ 2011-06-02 23:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | christian, jesse, july 3 2009 |
Friday: I Can't Tell You Why
Who: Christian and Jesse
Where: Jesse's lighthouse
When: Late afternoon
The ferry ride home had been depressing. Christian had gone from panicked and frantic to defeated and uncertain. Obviously he had failed, and now maybe she would kill herself sooner, and it would be all his fault. He'd shooed Ava off when they got to his house-- she was reluctant, but he didn't want to face Jesse with her there-- and disappeared inside to huddle in his blankets upstairs with his kittens.
When he finally dragged himself out of the house again, the kittens came with him. He slumped down the street, out of town, and up to the covered doorway to the lighthouse with one kitten in one pocket and the other continuously trying to climb out of the other. He was the picture of misery as he knocked heavily on the door, and hunched his shoulders, fully expecting-- against all odds-- to be yelled at and punished for his failure.
Jesse felt at a low ebb energy-wise today. That was understandable considering that it had been partly cloudy all day, and now it had started to rain. The lighthouse was a bit eerie when it stormed, and yet somehow it felt serene to him right now. He'd found some half-used pillar candles in the bottom of one of the lockers in his quarters, along with a worn book of matches, and he'd put a candle on each landing, which helped dispel the gloom somewhat. It was lucky that he even heard the knock on the door; thunder had been rolling across the sky just before. He hurried down the steps and pulled the door open, smiling when he saw Christian with a determined kitten trying valiantly to climb out of one of his coat pockets. "Come in," he said, stepping back.
Christian had hardly noticed the rain. He scooped Kummer up before he dove out of his pocket again, and cradled him to his chest, before stepping inside. His coat was dripping a little, and Schatten, in his other pocket, was meowing. His face looked mournful and nervous, it was probably easy to tell he was upset about something. "Hello, Jesse."
There wasn't much way to mistake that Christian wasn't happy in the slightest. Jesse gazed at him intently, as if trying to read his expression, then asked, "Want to hang your coat over the railing?" He wasn't so much putting off asking what was wrong as he was getting through the preliminary courtesies that one showed when somebody came over. He didn't have any food or drink to offer, but he could be hospitable, nonetheless.
Nodding a little, without a word Christian deposited Kummer on Jesse's shoulder, for him to hold, and started sliding the coat off. Schatten he pulled out by the scruff once the coat was off, and cuddled into the crook of one arm. The kittens were even a bit damp-- especially Kummer, given he'd been trying to get away at every opportunity, which involved a lot of sticking his nose out in the rain.
Jesse reached for the little animal, not wanting it to fall off, and held it to his chest, his blue eyes sober as he watched Christian get situated. The bottom floor of the lighthouse had no furniture, nowhere to sit, nothing but a bare concrete floor, but he supposed they could sit on the steps if Christian didn't want to walk up seven flights of spiral stairs. Not that that was the most important thing right now. "What is it?" he asked, his tone very gentle.
"I... I went to find Natalie," Christian said, haltingly, looking at the floor and hugging Schatten. She mewed a little, and he loosened his grip before he actually did her harm, poor thing. He wasn't feeling very steady, at all, but the last thing he would ever do was hurt an animal. "It... it did not-- go well." And that was the understatement of the century. He'd gone about it all wrong, and only made things worse, he was sure of it.
Jesse was extremely concerned about Natalie, and it gave him a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach to hear Christian's words. However, Christian was his main concern at the moment; the man was his friend, and he didn't like to see him so upset and discouraged. He moved a little closer, close enough that his shoulder brushed Christian's. "Can you tell me what happened?" he asked, hoping that maybe it hadn't gone as badly as Christian thought.
"She-- she yelled at us. And threatened us, though Ava could tell she was lying about that. And--" Christian shut his eyes tightly. "I think. I think she is like me. When I do not have medication." And sometimes when he did. "Sees things that are not there, believes things that are not true. She seemed to think everyone was watching her. And that-- and that she is already dead, which I think is why she wants to make it real?" Though why she wasn't being treated, Christian didn't know. He was. But then, he had made a public nuisance of himself... maybe Natalie hadn't yet.
Jesse petted the kitten he held gently as he listened, his brow furrowing in a frown. "She was afraid, I bet. She's always afraid in the dreams, even though she believes the only way out is for her to die." He wished fervently that he could talk to Natalie, but the only way that would be possible would be if someone brought her over to the island. He sighed when Christian explained that the girl had mental impairments, as well. That would make it more difficult, he feared. Not that anything about this was easy. Anyone would think that he was crazy, having found out about Natalie and her problems in a dream. "She wouldn't listen to you at all, then," he said.
"She should have! If anyone ought to know what that is like, I would." And yet he'd messed it all up, ruined it, said the wrong things and acted in the wrong way. Christian hung his head and shivered, remembering that vision. "I apologize. I am afraid that I have only made things worse...." He'd even offer to try again, except he didn't think it would do any good. She was convinced, now.
"You don't need to apologize, Christian," Jesse told him, the kitten held in one hand and his other arm sliding around Christian's shoulders. "To know something like that and to do nothing about it would be even more wrong. We may not be able to help her--" And that thought made him sick to his stomach despite his lack of eating and drinking. "--but we had to try. There may be somethin' else I can do. I'll have to think it over a little."
"Why do I see these things if I cannot stop them?" Christian cried, hunching his shoulders, twitching a little, away from Jesse, but not quite away. He wasn't really used to physical affection of any kind, particularly not when he was agitated, but Jesse felt safe, if anyone did. Like Gwen did. "I should have told her about me, I should have-- should have told her about medicine, or about seeing things that are not true, not the things that are...."
"I don't know why," Jesse said softly. He kept a very loose grip on Christian, paying close attention to his nonverbal signals. If he sensed that Christian really didn't want him near, he'd move away immediately. "It doesn't sound like she gave you much chance to talk to her," he soothed the other man. "I know you did the best you could with what you had to work with." He kept his gaze fixed on Christian's profile. "I'm grateful you were willin' to do it." He knew that many people would have felt too uncomfortable at the prospect of going to talk to someone they didn't know, would have been unwilling to take the risk.
"I still should have done it better," Christian mumbled, slumping a little rather than hunching. Jesse probably wasn't going to convince him he hadn't made a terrible mistake, ruined everything, but at least he didn't feel like Jesse was going to yell at him anymore. Since... Jesse didn't, for whatever strange reason. Maybe just because Jesse was Jesse. He cuddled Schatten up under his chin, who took to all his confining attention remarkably well for a little kitten. "I am sorry. For not doing it better. I hope-- if you can think of anything else-- you will tell me?"
It was unlikely that Jesse would ever yell at anyone. Even when he'd been alive, that sort of thing hadn't been his style. He'd found he could get better results with logic and patience than going completely off the wall. "Of course," he replied when Christian asked if he'd tell him if he thought of anything else. He was assuming that meant anything else Christian could do. He'd definitely keep him in mind, but he had another idea brewing that might possibly work better. He'd just have to think of how to best execute it, because it sounded like Natalie might need even more help than he'd thought.
Christian hoped he heard no matter what happened, or he might mad-- madder-- with the uncertainty and worry. He heaved a heavy sigh, and finally actually sat down, on the stairs, setting Schatten down so that she could lick her rumpled fur back down. "I wish I could turn it off. Make it stop. These visions... the thoughts I hear. It would be so much easier."
Jesse carefully stepped around Christian once he'd sat down, climbing a couple of steps above where he was sitting and sitting down, himself. He still had the other kitten, and he held it against his chest, petting its soft little head and feeling it purring. Sweet creature. He could understand why Christian enjoyed having them so much. "I know it would," he said. "I'm sorry you have to go through that." While it was true he didn't know what it was like to have something that caused so much mental anguish, he could still sympathize.
Jesse had anguish of his own to deal with, Christian figured. And now here he was, complaining about his own. He folded his arms across his knees, feet propped up on the stair just below where he sat, and rested his chin on them, watching Schatten groom. "You should think at least whatever makes me have them would make me know how to stop them... or else there is no point to making me have them." Was there really something making him have them? Everyone else seemed to think so.
Jesse was silent for a few moments, thinking about what Christian had said. Whatever, or Whomever. To him it was God, but he knew everyone didn't share his belief system, and hadn't Christian gotten a bit touchy the last time their conversation had turned to matters of faith? Not that touchiness bothered him, especially. "It could be that you're meant to have them," he said, his tone still soft and reflective. Much like he was meant to be here, so much so that it was possible he'd been led to end his own life so he could be. He wasn't certain of that, but he knew it was within the realm of possibility.
"But why, unless it was to do something about them?" Christian countered. "Unless just to torment me." He seriously doubted it would be to make him grow. He was too broken to grow, not by something that served only to break him further. And enough in his life served only to torment him; why not something more?
"I can't tell you why, Christian," Jesse said. He didn't sound the least bit impatient. He knew that this sort of thing was what troubled many people mightily, whether they were believers or not. Why. "You might come to know the answer in time, and you might not. You've done somethin' about this one, even if it didn't turn out like you wanted." He had to hope that he didn't sound preachy, because he didn't mean to be that way. It was simply that he didn't have the answers Christian wanted.
There wasn't a whole lot to say to that, not that didn't sound childish and petulant, so Christian just sighed heavily and rested his head down on his arms. He'd failed with Natalie, he had no answers about his "gift", and Jesse, while nice, didn't know anything else, either. It just wasn't fair, none of it.
Jesse didn't have much else to say, either, so he stayed quiet, leaning one shoulder against the metal railing and shifting the slight weight of the kitten he held. He had a bit of a dilemma. He'd already just about decided to go to Tayne with this problem, since Tayne could leave the island. He just had to figure out how to tell him how he'd found out about Natalie without sounding like a complete crazy man. Thunder rumbled overhead, and the rain picked up, and while it was soothing, he could use an infusion of natural light. Maybe he'd be lucky and it would be clear tomorrow.
And then there was silence. At least until Kummer started wriggling and mewing in Jesse's grasp, ready to get down and go explore, and Schatten started climbing the stairs, whether to get at her brother or to explore, her own self. Christian roused himself a little, wondering with embarrassment just how long he'd sat there. "I-- I suppose I should go. And let you be...."
Jesse hadn't minded the quiet company at all. When the kitten started squirming to get away, he set it down so it could go to Christian or join its brother. "It's a bad day to be out," he said in agreement, figuring that Christian would be ready to head out. He didn't really have anywhere comfortable for him to sit or any food or drink to offer.
"If... if you would like to come with," Christian offered tentatively, picking himself up and looking over his shoulder. He didn't finish the statement, but he imagined Jesse could pick it up, on his own. Christian wanted his own home and kittens and heater and maybe some tea, but he wouldn't mind if Jesse wanted to share in the parts of that he could actually share. At least Jesse was restful.
Jesse gazed at him, wanting to be sure he meant it and wasn't merely offering to be polite. Although he wasn't sure that was something Christian would do, especially on a day when he'd felt low, anyway. "That would be nice," he replied, getting up as well. He didn't mind walking in the rain, even if he got soaking wet, and he smiled a bit as he thought about how Tayne might react to that. He'd seemed almost phobic of rain.
"All right." Christian scooped up Schatten, who protested with a meow and obviously didn't want to go back in a coat pocket. Especially not when the coat was wet. He cradled her in the crook of one arm, instead. Then he gave Jesse a weak smile, but one that showed he was at least trying. "But you get to carry Kummer and keep him out of trouble, this time."
"I'll do my best," Jesse said with a warm smile, bending down to pick up Kummer again. Maybe he could roll the little cat in his shirt if it rained too hard. He had shoes on-- and although he had a rain slicker, it was the one he'd been wearing when the dark woman had stabbed him, and he didn't think he could bear to put it on-- so he was ready.
Christian pulled on his coat, settling Schatten into the breast of it, where he could hold her up with a tucked in elbow. And now he was ready to go, too, back out into the wet. Kummer wriggled and protested, but Christian let Jesse deal with that. At least he wouldn't have to deal with two wriggly kittens, and they'd be happy enough to be home, where he could feet them and get them warm again.
"And home we go," Christian murmured, scratching Schatten's furry little head under his coat, and he started out.