The Best Plans Are Hatched Who: Louis Oswald NPCs: The Actuary, The Chef Where: Gotham Bird Sanctuary When: September 4, 2012 What: Mr. Oswald decides to tackle several issues head-on... Rating: R for language Status: Narrative/Completed
“Oh, that’ll make great bird feed, Lou.”
Louis Oswald smiled, amazed at his own ingenuity. “He totally had it coming. If there’s more than one way to skin a cat, then there’s a billion ways to fire an employee. Remember that on your next assignment, Actuary.”
The Actuary, Oz’ right hand man and CFO at First Gotham, pushed up his wire-frame glasses up on his short stubby nose with his pointer finger. Though they were out in relative wilderness at the Gotham Bird Sanctuary today, the Asian-American wore his traditional baby blue checkered pressed white shirt with a collar, pleated khakis and tan oxfords. “What do you have in mind, Lou?”
“I’m making you CEO of Magnum R&D. And I’m spinning you off.”
“Magnum? Are you kidding?”
Oz grinned widely, again at his own ingenuity. “Not at all. It’s fucking genius. Wayne has had his eye on that unit for years. And I’m going to offer it to the young Dick Grayson.”
“But, sir, that’s where all your, um, pet projects are housed now.”
“Oh, we’ll relocate those.” Oswald replied casually, having thoroughly thought this out. The two stepped out of the avian kitchen and out onto the path up to the main bird house. A bright yellow sun was beginning to blanket the lush green surroundings of the sanctuary, with only a few now entirely pearly white clouds in the sky. The air was fresh, after a brief morning rain that was already almost entirely forgotten. Their feet treaded on a brown dirt path, uneven and still slightly sticky with mud.
Louis’ thumbs leisurely slipped underneath his two black suspenders and idly glided up and down along the inside. “But we’ll leave enough assets to make it more than interesting for Grayson. We just made public the Aquarius energy system and the company is due to report its financials for the first half of the year tomorrow.”
“But why is that important? That company has been loss-making for years?”
“Not exactly,” corrected a third approaching voice.
Oz and the Actuary turned - it was Alla Shevchenko, aka the Chef. It wasn’t so much culinary delights that she specialized in, though she did make a mean borshch. Rather, she possessed the rare, but precious (and entirely superhuman) power to ‘cook the books’ of any company she desired, seamlessly allowing it to pass muster against the best of the so-called Big Four auditing firms. If she hadn’t gone into accounting, she probably would have displaced the latest model on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue, blessed with the infamous beauty her homeland Ukraine was so famous for. Gotham’s DA had once called her a menace, but Oz called her brilliant.
“Speaking of genius...” Oz said, his mood improving even more in her presence.
“Magnum R&D only appears that way to throw off notice. It’s actually First Gotham’s most profitable unit. Has always been.”
“Then why sell it?” The Actuary asked.
“Excellent question,” Oz parroted, suddenly overcome by a bizarre desire to share his latest master plan. “Because Wayne Enterprises shares are still tanking on the Gotham Exchange. Grayson needs to do something or he’s going to lose his job faster than he got it. He’s a rookie, but he’s a cocky one. The time for us to make our move is now. Grayson buys Magnum, assimilates it into the Wayne empire like a regular Trojan horse, then, under your careful supervision, Magnum starts bleeding cash again and really eating a big fucking canyon-sized hole in their balance sheet. That should finally make Wayne Enterprises ripe for a takeover – and we’ll be there waiting.” As Oz relayed his plan, he had a rare twinkle in his eye. “That or we utilize the foothold on the inside to catapult Magnum to a textbook reverse takeover of Wayne Enterprises!”
Oz gained a little spring in his step after finally getting that out.
The Chef clapped. “It’s masterful, Penguin!”
She was the only one that got a free pass on using Oz’ loathed childhood nickname.
The Actuary straightened up to attention. “Lou, if that’s the plan, then I’m your man.”
Oz fought back an overwhelming urge to make a triumphant loud as hell bird call, but instead only said simply, “good.”
The trio continued down the path for a few minutes, taking in the playful cacophony of hoots, wails and chirps that were one of the defining features of the Gotham Bird Sanctuary.
*** “There’s just one more thing that requires your attention...”
“Yeah?” Oz noted, still too full of himself to really be bothered.
“The police’s forensics department finally finished their ballistics report...”
“Oh.”
The Actuary nodded. “That would be the one conclusively proving that it was your lost handgun that killed Bruce Wayne. The one you told me to handle. Well, our mole in the unit put it in the mail.”
Oz and Alla exploded with laughter and repeated incredulously - “The mail?!?”
“Yeah,” The Actuary responded, matter-of-factly. “It should arrive to the Gotham PD on Friday.”
“God bless the U.S. Postal Service.” Oz said, faking a prayer. In his line of business, every day counted.
“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night...” Alla added.
“That gives us three days.”
“Three days?”
“I feel like a party.” Oz announced, undeterred by the latest news. “Friday night at the Iceberg Lounge. If I’m going to get arrested again, I’m going to do it in style.”
“Are you crazy? Do you remember your last party there?” The Actuary protested.
Oz did. Perfectly well, as a matter of fact. Three noise violations. Four arrests for drunken and disorderly conduct. Three arrests for possession. Six citations for indecent exposure. One assault charge. Two violations of sanitary norms. One count of damage to adjacent public property. Eight hospitalizations. $172,832 in damage to property and equipment.
All he said was, “We’re going to need new security.”
Alla screamed in joy. “I can’t wait! This is going to be so epic!”