lou fuckin' weasley (lalalouise) wrote in snitchers, @ 2018-01-09 19:59:00 |
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Entry tags: | char: charlie weasley, char: louise parkinson |
Who: Louise Parkinson & Charlie Weasley
When: BACKDATED - Sunday, January 7th, 2003
Where: Diagon Alley then Louise's Flat
What: You can't outrun your secrets forever.
Rating: Low
Louise had avoided Diagon since she returned to London in November. Diagon held too many fans, too many people, too many Weasleys. And while she was nearly positive that Charlie hadn't told his family about their prior relationship, she didn't want to risk it. Her assistant ran into Dagon whenever Louise needed something or she ordered by owl. It wasn't ideal, but it was sustainable... until it wasn't.
Kaida was demanding ice cream. Not just demanding, but screaming and throwing a fit. Normally her daughter was happy and easy going, but a week of a icky cold and snotty nose had her mild mannered daughter all worked up and cranky. When Gia couldn't get over to Diagon to grab a pint of Kaida's favorite, Louise knew she didn't have much of a choice.
Grabbing her bag and a pair of sunglasses, Louise didn't look like a rockstar, but that was the idea. Any time she went out in public without being noticed was a good day. Kaida was holding onto her mum's hand as they stepped into the car which quickly took them the the Leaky Cauldron and the entrance to Diagon. A stop at the ice cream shop and Kaida was back to her bubbly self. Louise couldn't help but relax a little, the smile on her daughter's face was catching. So, she decided to pop into her favorite record shop, a tiny little closet of a shop tucked behind the Quidditch supplies store. It had been ages since she dug through the stacks.
Grinning as they walked out of the parlor and into Diagon's busy crowd, Louise forgot herself long enough to lift her sunglasses and perch them on top of her head. It felt so good to be home.
---
Charlie needed a break. He had been working for the last six days non stop, finally almost back to where he was in his book before he set the whole first draft on fire. And that sort of hard work deserved a reward, dammit! Plus, he had nearly burned holes in his favorite records while he wrote, and knew picking up a few more might be a semi decent idea, if only to save his other vinyls...
Brushing his fingers through the stacks, Charlie had been in the store nearly half an hour when he felt the breeze of the front door. His back was turned though for another few minutes before finally turning and putting back a record he decided against. That was when a familiar scent hit him... one he hasn't been around in... years. One that made him ache. Looking up, for a moment, he thought his eyes were lying too him. She had dropped off the face of the planet after his accident, and after sending various letters for six months, Charlie took the hint.
But that didn't mean the dismissal of his affections without a word didn't hurt. But he had to move on the best he could, and lucky for him, he was a busy man.
Seeing her again though... it all came rushing back. He couldn't help the large smile that tugged at the corners of his lips, and he was about to say something, when he noticed the tiny little redhead holding her hand.
In that moment, Charlie's world froze as familiar blue eyes stared up at him. His eyes...
"Louise..." he managed her name softly, finally looking back up at her.
---
Louise had always been the sort of person who associated places with her memories. She didn't collect trinkets from her travels.She revisited places time and time again, reliving her youth and more carefree days within the walls of shops, on white beaches, and in green parks. The record shop had always been a favorite of hers, the smell of vinyl was one that reminded her of young love, Kirley, laughter... and him. Charlie. When she heard her name, Louise's stomach dropped to her feet. Instinctively, her hand tightened around Kaida's. The little girl was still licking the last bits of ginger and honey ice cream off her fingers. "Mummy.. I sticking," she said and looked up at Louise. "Sticking, Mum. Fix?"
But Louise wasn't looking at her daughter. No, she was staring at the gorgeous man in front of her. A man she'd known for years, hadn't seen in a lifetime, and was as terrified of as she was hopelessly in love with him. Four years since seeing his face and Louise thought that maybe she'd found a way to put those feelings to rest, but one whisper of her name and she knew nothing had changed.
"MUMMY," Kaida yelled louder, pulling Louise from her trance. Shaking her head, Louise knelt down in front of her--- their daughter-- and smiled sweetly. "Yes, you're very sticky. And you're going to get Tillybob all sticky too," she chided gently before digging out a pack of wipes from her purse and wiping down her daughter's face and hands gently, singing a soft song to the little girl as she did. Kaida seemed to have forgotten about being sticky and was fixated on the very tall man standing in front of them. He looked familiar to the little girl, but she didn't know many people. And he wasn't Uncle Kirley or Uncle John so..
"He like the Daddy, Mummy. In the picture wif you and the water. Is that the Daddy wif the dragoons?"
Feeling her face go white, Louise scooped Kaida up and stood again, turning to face Charlie. Her face was whiter than a ghost and her fear was obvious. "Charlie," she said, choosing not to answer Kaida just then. "Hi. It's been... awhile."
---
Charlie stood silently, rooted to the spot as Louise knelt down to clean off the little girl. The little girl who... looked so familar. Who had his eyes, and his hair... who asked if he was like her daddy who tamed dragons. His heart leapt into his throat, unable to focus on anything else for a moment as his brain solely began processing what was happening.
The woman who he had loved, but never vocalized those feelings out of fear that it would push her away, but it seems she ran anyway for reasons he didn't understand. And now...
"Yeah. It has," he said, his voice quiet. "Too long, it seems," he said, unable to tear his eyes away from the young girl.
"And who might you be?" He asked sweetly, giving her a smile. "I Like your dragon. It looks like a Welsh Green... except the wrong color," he added with a wink.
---
"I Kaida. This Tillybob and he my best fweind." Never shy, Kaida didn't waste any time reaching out to grab on Charlie's red hair and look at it quizzically. "You red like me," she said and dropped his hair, giving Charlie a big beaming smile. "How old is you? I three, that's this many," she told him and held up three chubby fingers proudly.
Only an idiot would fail to recognize the similarities between Charlie and Kaida. Louise's daughter had inherited every damn Weasley gene possible, minus her sass and attitude which came right from her mother. She looked exactly like Charlie and Louise knew from the moment Kaida was born who the father was. Louise's eyes darted around the store, feeling more and more nervous with each passing minute. "Can we go somewhere else? Please?" The last thing she wanted was a big scene that found its way into the papers. Louise had fought hard to protect her daughter from the press and she wasn't about to let it all go to hell now. "I-- I don't want some reporter to-- you know."
Shifting on her feet nervously, Louise's mind was was racing. She ached to reach out and run her fingers through his hair, to rest her head on his shoulders and breathe in the earthy, musky smell of him. She wanted to curl up on his lap, close her eyes, and drift off to peaceful rest. For the last four years she'd thought of Charlie every single day, though she imagined he'd moved on from her long ago. Not that she blamed him. She was-- shit, she was getting upset and being upset in public wasn't an option. "I don't live far if you-- I'm sure you have questions."
---
"It's absolutely lovely to meet you, Kaida," Charlie said with a warm smile, chuckling slightly as she introduced her dragon. Reaching out, Charlie gently shook the paw of the fuzzy creature, as well, always a gentleman in situations such as these. And of course, he also caught the meaning behind her name. Charlie was well versed in many languages, even if he wasn't fluent, and it wasn't lost on him. Without even being aware of it, a lump developed in his throat as he swallowed it back, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that the little girl in front of him, grabbing his hair and comparing it to her own, was his daughter. And the woman who held her.... kept her from him. Didn't even give him word, or a chance, to be part of her life. He had already missed so, so much, and that absolutely killed him in ways he couldn't quite comprehend. Mostly because he had never thought himself a father. But now that he knew... his entire world had been turned upside down, and he was trying to figure out how to navigate. Chuckling softly as she held up her adorable little fingers, Charlie held up a three himself, putting it right next to her own hand. "I'm 30, little miss. The much older cousin of 3," he teased.
Then, looking at Louise silently for a moment, he could see the worry in her eyes. He could hear the pleading in her voice, and for the slightest moment, he did not want to give her what she wanted. It was the first time he had ever felt such a way, and he hated it, but... it felt as though she had torn out his heart and stomped on it.
Clearing his throat, Charlie did what he was known best for, and tried to be the best person he could possibly manage. Smiling, even if it was painful, he nodded at her request. "Lead the way, Louise, and I'll follow you. Just like we have done with each other for years in the past."
---
Pushing her glasses back down onto her nose, Louise shifted Kaida on her hip and nodded, retreating back behind the cool rockstar exterior she knew all to well. Stepping out into the sunlight, she heard someone whisper "It's Morgana Duke!" Quickening her pace and expecting Charlie to be close behind, Louise hurried to the Leaky and slipped back through the pub. "Hold tight, little one," she whispered to Kaida. "We're all going to go home, okay?" The car was still waiting for her, a luxury of being famous, so the three of them could slip inside and be flying down the street towards Louise's flat before a single camera could appear.
The short ride from the Leaky to her flat was silent. No matter how many times she had rehearsed this in her head, in the moment she was left with nothing to say. And perhaps it's because she couldn't have imagined the look on Charlie's face. Even after all these years, she knew him well enough to see what he was feeling. The betrayal she caused him wasn't something she could easily explain away and it wasn't something she ever expected him to forgive her for. Especially when she hadn't figured out to forgive herself.
The car pulled up in front of Louise's building and the driver opened the door for the witch. Offering him a grateful smile, Louise headed inside, keeping her head down out of habit. A small lift took them to the top floor and into her flat. Louise's assistant, Gia, bounced over with a grin, but upon seeing Charlie with her boss she wisely excused herself and slipped outside for a smoke break.
"Well," Louise said nervously. "This is it... our home." Kaida had squirmed out of Louise's arms and went running towards the living room where she plucked a blue frame off of an end table and hurried back, waving it at Charlie. "My Daddy," she said and pushed the picture into his hand. Inside the frame was a picture of Louise and Charlie, smiling and laughing together on a boat speeding along the Mediterranean Sea. "You like him."
---
Charlie was a wise individual when it came to Louise's fame, and besides his obvious care for her throughout all these years, the new element of knowing she had and protected his daughter made him follow her without hesitation. He also had no qualms about blocking her from view of others, along with Kaida. Once in the car though, he stared out the window, until Kaida began babbling on about this and that. He was clearly smitten already, it was written all over his face as he looked at the little girl, but he still found it difficult to look at Louise. Before, he found so much pleasure out of just the sight of her beautiful face, but now. Now it almost hurt.
God, he hated this. He hated feeling anything negative when looking at her. Because if he was being entirely honest with himself, he was in love with her. He had been in love with her for years, and when she cut herself out of his life, he had been lost. He had wandered. And he had never really found anyone else to fill that void. But he didn't think it was fair to tell her how much he missed her either, because that hadn't been their arrangement, had it? But at the same time, even if it hadn't, he felt he had the right to know. To choose what he wanted, and Louise didn't have enough respect for him to give him that. Or maybe she never felt the same, and didn't want him in her life, and this was just a mistake on her part. Maybe she never wanted him to know...
Once inside, Kaida ran over to him with a picture of Louise and himself, knowing full well that the man was her father. So she had been told... something. But why couldn't he have been there? Confusion poured onto his features, but he kept his bright smile for his little girl.
"Well, Ms. Kaida. That's me in that picture, you know. I'm like him, because I am him." He couldn't help the way his voice broke just the tiniest bit at the end, reaching out to take her tiny hand in his own. "I've been waiting forever to meet you, you know. And I hope you know how much I love you." Because he did. Without a doubt. It had only been a few moments, but he knew that he would do anything for her at all. He would die in an instant for this little girl, and the emotions absolutely overwhelmed him.
Okay, so at this point though, he might have been ignoring Louise, and he felt guilty about that, but he didn't know what to say. So finally, with his voice tight, he handed the picture back over to her without meeting her eyes. "You have a lovely home," he managed, his voice a bit tighter than he would have liked as he finally met her eyes.
---
Those three words were wished for so hard in the past few years. Many nights when Louise was alone she dreamed of running into Charlie and having him admit that he loved her. But, instead those words were given so easily to their daughter. Louise couldn't possibly be angry with him. He instantly accepted their child without question. Louise felt her eyes fill with tears, witnessing a moment of sheer happiness and love between a father and a daughter. Just as easily as he accepted Kaida, she accepted her Daddy as well. For her entire life, Kaida had been told that her daddy was off saving all the dragons in the world, but that he loved her and would come home to her soon.
"Mummy said you luff me so much," she told him matter of factly. "You saved the dragoons first then you come luff me. I know, Daddy," she told him with a bright smile. "I luff you too." And, just like that, Kaida accepted her new life, her new parent. "Mummy I go play wif Gia?" Louise nodded and smiled softly. "Yes, go play outside, silly girl. Daddy and I are going to talk then we'll come outside and play with you."
The toddle went skipping off, Tillybob in hand. "Gia! MY DADDY COME BACK!" The door to the small garden closed behind the little girl and Louise let out a long breath, fingers curling around the frame Charlie had handed her. She couldn't look at him, couldn't stand to face the man she had hurt. "Thank you," she said quietly and went into the living room further, putting the picture back where it belonged. "She's always known about you. I told her that you weren't here because you were saving all the dragons, ut that you loved her and you'd come back one day. I've never told her a single bad thing about you, Charlie."
---
Charlie watched as his daughter took off outside to play, leaving him alone with the woman he... didn't know how to react to anymore. What had once been as easy as breathing between the two of them, was now muddled and full of questions and anger. And Charlie hated to be angry with those he cared about it. Truly, it nearly caused him physical pain to feel as though he was in a tussle with someone, but how could he not feel like this right now towards Louise? Hell, he didn't even know where to start!
But finally, words found him. "It's lovely to know she's always known about me," he said, his words tight in his throat as he ran a hand through his hair. "It just would have been nice to have that same kind of courtesy in return, yeah?" Turning away from her he walked a few steps towards the window, looking out silently and trying not to yell. Trying to keep calm and keep focus on the situation at hand. Part of him wanted to yell though, and the other part of him? He just wanted to leave. But walking out now would feel like walking out on his daughter, and he just found her, and he wasn't about to give that up.
"Why, Louise? If you told her all these bloody brilliant things, then why didn't you say a single damn thing to me? I wrote you... for six months. I didn't... And here I thought I had done something wrong. Or you had simply found someone else to strike your fancy. Maybe I could live with both of those things. I mean, that's how it went with the two of us, yeah? But this?" The look of utter betrayal on his face was obvious. "I don't understand. And I need to understand this, or I'm going to lose my mind..."
---
Sinking down onto the sofa, Louise uncharacteristically didn't talk for awhile. There was no point in trying to pretend she hadn't done anything wrong, no point in acting as though she wasn't a bad person. She'd carried the guilt with her for years now and no matter how angry Charlie may have been with her it couldn't possibly compare to the hatred she felt for herself. Her eyes followed him around the room, the few feet between them feeling like miles. "I didn't leave because of Kaida," she said after a long few moments. "When I left, I didn't know I was pregnant. Then, well, I wasn't sure if it was yours." Admitting that stung, but she and Charlie hadn't been monogamous when they were still seeing each other. "When she was born and I realized... I realized it right away, she came out with a head full of that hair... by then I didn't know how. We weren't... that wasn't what we were and I thought it was better to not change your life the way mine had been changed. I was scared and...."
Louise trailed off, realizing that it all sounded like a lot of excuses. And, maybe they were, but at the time it had been the truth. Pushing her hands through her long hair, Louise dropped her eyes to the coffee table in front of her. "I wanted to tell you, but.. I couldn't face you. Which doesn't excuse what I did, Charlie, I know that. I'm not asking for forgiveness or even for you to understand. I just want Kaida to know you, that's all. I won't ever keep her from you again."
Her voice had become quiet, almost a whisper, by the time she finished talking. Her eyes burned, filled with tears of shame, of regret. "I don't know what else to say, Charlie."
---
After a while, Charlie finally sat down in an armchair far enough away that they both had their space. It wasn't that he was trying to be a dick, but for the time being, he believed it to be for the best. There was still such a powerful whirlwind of emotions inside of him that he needed distance from the one woman who, even after all this time, still drove him wild. When she finished speaking, Charlie put his hands together and pressed his fingertips into his chin, going over her words again and again. "So instead of giving me the opportunity to make that decision for myself, to decide if I wanted my life to change or stay the same, you took that choice from me and made it yourself." Yes, in that moment, he was calling her selfish, because to him, that's exactly what she was being. Or so, it felt like. He tried to see things from her side, he truly did, but for the moment, he was failing. Maybe if he had a few days...
"Of course you were afraid," he finally managed after a long, drawn out silence. "But were you afraid of me? What I'd say? What I'd do?" Somehow, that bothered him more than anything else. "I just... I never thought I gave you a reason to worry about my reaction to... anything. But maybe I was wrong. If I had known..." he trailed off, closing his eyes. For a slight moment, he couldn't help but imagine what could have been.
"I would have wanted to be there. I wouldn't have wanted you to go through this alone."
---
If there was ever a time Louise wanted a drink it was in that moment. But she had a rule, one she hadn't broken in three years, that she'd never get drunk when Kaida was around. And Louise knew if she poured herself a glass right then she'd need another and then another. Besides, numbing herself with alcohol was a way of avoiding the blame and she wasn't going to do that. Not when she earned and deserved every ounce of anger and betrayal Charlie was sending her way. She couldn't argue with him, even if she wanted to. Because he was right and she knew it.
"Yes," she admitted. "I made the decision for you. And then I kept making it for years because I was scared, but.. no, I wasn't scared of you, not really." Charlie was one of the kindest and most gentle men she'd ever known. He hadn't yelled at her even after finding out she'd hidden a child from him, so how could she possibly fear him? The truth was, Louise was scared of facing losing the love she had for him. A small part of her had always held onto the hope that they'd find each other again, but how could that possibly happen after what she did to him? Coming clean with Charlie, giving him his daughter.., it meant that she was losing him. And no matter how much Louise desperately wanted to explain that to Charlie, she couldn't. She didn't have the right to have feelings for him, not after what she'd done. "I was scared of what you'd think of me," she said instead, not a lie, but not the entire truth. "We weren't.. I don't know what we were, honestly, but I know it wasn't the sort of thing that had babies and I changed that on you. I changed me... my life.. everything. Saying that it was overwhelming and scary sounds like an excuse, but it's also the truth."
Finally, Louise forced herself to look up and meet the gaze of the man who held her heart in his hands. "I won't pretend that I was right in anyway. It was wrong of me for so many reasons and I promise I've gone over all of them in my head hundreds of times. I've thought of reasons that won't occur to you for weeks or months." Her face was broken, the emotions rolling through her were painted on her face. "You've never done anything wrong, Charlie, I promise. I'm the one who did everything wrong."
---
"I...." he stopped then, running a hand over his face, his features softening just the slightest bit because he knew the attitude he currently had wasn't helping anyone. Sighing, he suddenly realized just how exhausted he was in a matter of minutes, and wasn't quite sure how he was going to make it through the rest of the day at this rate. He had so much more to write but suddenly... none of that mattered. "Come on now, Louise," he said gently, looking at her with his deep blue eyes, his expression incredibly calm quite suddenly. "You honestly thought my perception of you could change like that? That suddenly, I'd think terribly of you? When all you ever did when you were around was make my life... so full and free?"
"Things change. People change. If we simply ran from people in our lives because something unexpected happened... well, not only would we miss out on so many amazing opportunities, but we'd never really have the opportunity to figure out who they really are deep down." Getting up, Charlie knew he needed to go. Because staying here wasn't helping either of them move past this, and he... needed some time. Time to process, at the very least. It was all quite a bit of information for a single day.
"We all make mistakes, Louise. I get that. But I'm still hurt, and I'm still upset. I just... even if we weren't supposed to be anything more than fun, you think I was really able to stop myself from falling for you? For loving you? When you left, I thought maybe you realized what was happening, and were upset. And I couldn't blame you, not really, I knew that wasn't the type of person you were. It's just... I wish things had been different."
Moving towards her, he took her hand gently, moving down to brush his lips against the back of it. "I should go. I think... we both need some time. But I'd like to come back, if you'll let me."
---
There he was, doing the worst thing he could have done. Charlie was saying everything right. He was being the better person, the bigger person. He wasn't forgiving her, no, but he wasn't screaming, he wasn't yelling or swearing. Charlie was trying to understand how she could have hurt him and still complimenting her, still saying wonderful words which made her heart ache for what they use to share together. It was too much for her to stomach and she swallowed hard, determined not to fall apart in front of him. She wouldn't burden him with her tears. The pain she felt was her own consequence and she would own it.
Her eyes widened a bit at his words, but her mind was too full, too crowded with apologies and guilt to comprehend the idea that Charlie may have loved her once upon a time. It only added to the agony she was feeling, knowing that she caused herself to lose out on a perfect life with a perfect man and perfect child.
The lump in Louise's throat made it nearly impossible to speak.She'd known, of course, how big of a mistake she had made. It had weighed on her every time she looked at her daughter. But facing Charlie and seeing the hurt she caused him was almost too much for her to handle. His lips were fire against her skin, burning against a cold surface and heating her to her core. She'd forgotten what being this close to him felt like. When he suggested he should leave, Louise only nodded, not capable of saying anything until she swallowed a few times. "You can come back," she managed to get out. "Kaida.. I can bring her to see you, whenever you'd like. You don't have to come see me, I won't ask that, but anytime you want to see Kaida... she deserves the chance, you both do."
Gods, she was going to cry. Louise looked back down at her hands, her eyes flickering over to his quickly, just confirming there was no band around his finger. "I'm not leaving," she said quietly. "No more tours, no more running... not for awhile. Kaida will be here in London for as long as you want, I promise. I owe you that, Charlie."