Ivy. (ivonnahurtyou) wrote in snitchers, @ 2017-07-15 07:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | char: ivonna montgomery, char: terence higgs |
Who: Ivy Montgomery & Terence Higgs
When: BACKDATED - Tuesday, July 11th
Where: Terence's Flat
What: Confessions, Comfort, and Conversation
Rating: Low
Warnings: References to incest
Status: Completed
The past few days had been an endless internal debate. Ivy was still on a high from her night with Max, but her conversation with Fred weighed heavily on her conscious. Each man was brilliant in his own right and each of them represented a path Ivy would have to commit to. She was at a fork in the road. One way took her down something unfamiliar and terrifying. The other kept her safe and secure. Try as she might, Ivy knew she was going to have to make a choice.
But choices like this didn't come without conversations. She considered going to Emilia, but as well as her twin knew her, there was only one person Ivy turned to when she needed to face the most brutal of truths.
Which is how she found herself walking into Terence's flat, not bothering to knock. She held a greasy bag of fish and chips in her hand and dropped it on the coffee table before plopping down on the sofa and putting her boots up on his table.
"I slept with Max. And I have feelings for Fred Weasley. Discuss."
--
Well. It wasn't like she did this sort of thing on the daily. Which meant that, not only did Ter certainly tolerate her waltzing in here like she owned the place-- to be fair, she did have a key-- he liked her company.
Today, however, seemed like a heavier sort of get-together, Terence frowning as he moved to get up and grab them a bottle of wine and two glasses.
"All right, hang on. You like Fred, but you slept with Max? Do you still like Max? And how the hell did you even get to a point of liking Fred Weasley?"
--
Ivy waved off the wine. She didn't want to drink. Alcohol was only going to cloud her already clouded thinking. She needed a clear mind to sort out the mess floating around up there. She hadn't had anything
to drink since Saturday which may have been the longest Ivy had gone without a drink since she was fresh out of Hogwarts. While he was far from an alcoholic, she did enjoy a beer with dinner and a glass of
wine to wind down at the end of the day. And whiskey on the weekends, of course.
Dropping her head against the back of the sofa, Ivy closed her eyes and brought her hand to her face. She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to rub away the headache she couldn't seem to shake off. "I
think I'm in love with Max," she said with an annoyed sigh. Ivy didn't do love. It was messy and complicated and she had to maintain focus in her line of work. But, that damn bastard and made her see the heavens unlike ever before. He was gentle and tender and, Merlin, she wanted to go back to his flat and spend the rest of her life there.
Unless, of course, she was thinking about Fred. When his ginger hair popped into her mind, Ivy was ready to run away from everything and hide in some shack with him.
"I don't know," she said with a groan. "I didn't plan on it. Who plans on that sort of thing? But he's... different. And there is something there. So help me."
---
Shrugging at her dismissal, Ter moved to sit, instead pouring himself some of the wine to take a long sip. Even if this wasn't a conversation where she'd need alcohol, he was already anticipating that he would, considering this subject matter. Fucking hell. Why was he only finding out about this just now?
Moreover, since when did Ivy, of all people on the planet, talk about love like it was a thing that could actually affect a person? Merlin's ballsack. What the fuck had Max done to make this happen?
"You might have to be more specific. Like... why. And when. And who the fuck knows about this? Does Max feel the same way? Does Fred know you like him? Does he like you back?" Because, really, what the fuck. He felt like they were back to preteen crush land.
"You've never been in this sort of situation, right? So what do you want? In life, I mean. In a partner... do you want a family? Someone where you feel like you can be totally yourself?"
---
Trying to push back her annoyance at the onslaught of questions, Ivy took a few moments before answering. She came here specifically to talk about all of this so she had no right to be annoyed. Wasn't going to stop her though.
"The sex? Oh, at the Gala. I mean that day, not actually there. He took me home. I don't know how Max feels. I know he liked having me in bed, but he's also not going to leave his wife for me. And, yes, I know Fred is interested in me because we talked about it. Did you know he put truth potion in the cakes at the Gala? I had a half dozen and threw my emotions all over him. It wasn't pretty."
His next question was harder for Ivy to answer. She had no idea what she wanted in life. She'd never seen herself as a mother or even a wife. The here and now had always been entertaining enough to hold her focus so she hadn't needed to bother with the days to come.
"What if... what if I don't know who I am? I can't expect someone to accept me for who I am if I don't know who that is."
---
"That... explains a bit," Ter muttered, his eyes widening somewhat at the thought of the cakes being laced. Fucking hell, who all did he talk to that night? Clearly, far too many people.
He listened for a while, Ter frowning as he considered what she was asking. What was truly sad was that she was asking a perfectly valid question. He would have loved to simply have told her that she was worrying over nothing, but then he'd be lying miserably.
"Hm." Taking a long sip of his wine, he pressed his lips together as he thought on how to best approach this. "What kind of person do you think you are? If you had to list... I don't know, qualities? Like... if I had to describe you, I'd say that you are feisty, have a temper, are woefully stubborn to the point of your own detriment sometimes, proud... sarcastic, way too smart for your own good... and passionate." If they were going to have an honest conversation about this, he wouldn't try to bullshit her by attempting to flatter her.
---
Nothing he said surprised her. Ivy was very aware of her weaknesses as well as her strengths. But, he left off something. Something that made all the difference in who she was and what sort of person could possibly love her back.
"And I kill people."
There was no guilt in her voice. Killing people was something that needed to be done, but... she'd be lying if she said she didn't love it. Ivy itched to hurt people after a few weeks and her job gave her that option whenever she needed it. What sort of person got off in taking life from strangers? Not a good person.
---
His eyes widened for a long moment as he slowly nodded. Okay. Well. He knew wandholders had to do that sort of thing, sure, but... that was part of the job description when necessary, right? Of course, no one would add that into their description of themselves unless they either enjoyed it or felt guilty about it, but Ivy did this job because she liked it, right?
"Yeah, I don't know how Fred would feel about that part... unless it's just part of the job description, but... you're not making it sound like it is."
Holy shit. And these were the sort of people who were after Mia.
---
Ivy couldn't look over at her cousin. She didn't want to face the judgment or the shock at who she really was. She wondered if this had been a mistake. Terence would never be able to look at her the same.
And a part of her was angry. She didn't think twice about his immoral behavior. But, she still felt the sting of judgment. That wasn't fair.
"Most of us aren't like me," she said. She was already in, might as well get it all out here. "Most of us are good people who think the Ministry is doing the right thing. I'm just... different."
Pulling her feet off his table, Ivy drew her knees up to her chest. "I'm not a good person, Ter. I'm not the sort of person who gets to flirt and smile and fall for a good person either. But the thing is... part of me wants to be. And that's the part Fred got to."
---
Okay. In a battle for the moral high ground, Terence was fairly certain that Ivy considered him, at this point, far above where she was situated when quite the opposite was true. Turning to look at her, he frowned, his lips drawn tight.
"Look, I don't... want to change the topic on you in the middle of a conversation this serious, but I can tell you right now, that I've..." He cleared his throat. "I'm not exactly a saint, okay?" They could leave it at that for the time being. Right?
"Anyway. Yeah. You're not Emy. But I can't exactly blame you for wanting to feel like you're a normal person who can just live a normal life." Fuck, he felt that way all the time. That, maybe, if only he and Mia weren't siblings... if they could just move away and pretend... Ter shook his head, trying to clear it with a scowl. "The only question is whether you can be. Wanting something is all well and good, but..." He shrugged. Sometimes things simply were impossible.
---
"I know you're not. Not blind, Ter." Ivy looked over at him, wondering just how stupid he thought she was. Anyone who paid attention for two seconds could see what was happening between Terence and Mia. She'd known how he felt for years. It wasn't a secret.
She wasn't Emy, that was for sure. Emilia was kind and compassionate and good. Ivy was the opposite side of the coin. Where Emilia was light, Ivonna was dark.
"I've never tried to be normal." The word tasted sour in her mouth. "I've always just been this and no one minded before. Max likes it. It works for me. But, Fred..."
Letting out a long sigh, Ivy turned and faced her best friend. "What if I go to see him and I kill him? What if I can't stop myself? What if I'm so fucked up that there's no hope for me and once day I'll get locked up and only get visits from my family once a month?"
---
What the hell did that mean? What did she think she knew? That he was in love with Mia? That he was semi-regularly sleeping with her for about a month now? Looking around the room, he suddenly caught himself searching for some kind of indication that remained from when she'd been over here last, something Ivy might have been able to spot... what the fuck?
"Whatever you think you may know... you really don't have the full story." There was no way. She couldn't.
"Okay," he finally continued after giving himself a long moment to mull over her words. "First of all, you should know that we'd be visiting you at least twice a month." Ah, gallows humor. Wherever would they be without it. "But if I were you, I'd be more concerned with going to see him, getting comfortable, thinking everything is fine while you bottle up whatever awful things you want to do, and then snapping one day when you can't hold it all in any longer."
Turning to look at her, he frowned. "If you could have either one of them. Completely-- Max even leaving his wife and all-- would you still feel conflicted?" A beat. "How long do you think you could handle playing at being Emy? I mean-- does Fred want kids? If that's not something you want to deal with, that should already answer your question for you."
---
"Ter..." Gods, she hated talks like these. They were so deep and personal and it didn't suit them. "You're my best friend and have been my entire life. Do you honestly think for a second I couldn't see how you felt about Mia? Really? You've been devastated since she left. And lately... well, you're still a prick, but you've been happier. So, do me a favor and stop acting like it's a secret. I don't care. I literally do not care. But of course I know. I might not know every single detail, but I know. And I don't care."
Merlin. This was awful. People paid good money for therapy to have conversations like this and Ivy would pay twice that to avoid ever having one again.
His comment about playing Emy stung worse than it should have. Was that what she was doing? Just pretending to be someone else? A good and sweet version of herself?
"That's hardly a fair question. Because you're asking me how I would choose if two impossible things happened. Max isn't leaving his wife. Fred cannot be okay with what I am." And then, Ivy let herself ask a question that terrified her to her core.
"Do you still love me? Knowing what I really am?"
---
"You're shitting me."
Grabbing his glass of wine as he pulled his feet up underneath him, Terence scowled, taking a long sip. There was no way. How the fuck did she figure that out? Better yet-- how in sweet hell could she not care? She didn't care? And-- fuck, if he'd been that obvious, who the fuck else knew? Mia had known how he felt, Ivy knew how he felt and the fact that they were now fucking... was there anyone on this planet that didn't know?
Moreover, why had neither of them ever said anything?!
"It's a hypothetical, so of course it's a fair question. Neither of those things are out of the question." Because-- honestly. Max was already cheating on his wife. They lives separately. What the hell else could one call that other than leaving someone? And Fred had put up with her so far... in whatever... capacity, in spite of knowing that she was a wandholder.
What really struck him, however, was her next question, Terence setting his glass down as he leaned into her, just blinking at her as if to illustrate on his face just how much he was certain she now had to have lost her mind.
"Are you insane? You know that I'm fucking my baby sister, and you're asking me if I still love you because you get off on killing people? How... how? Of course I still bloody fucking love you; we're obviously both completely fucked up. At least I'm not the only one."
---
The reassurance that Terence still loved her even though she was broken and dangerous hit Ivy harder than a hex. She stared at him for a long moment, her blue eyes searching his face. Part of her wanted to find a hint of dishonesty. It would be easier, she thought, if he didn't accept her. But to have him simply accept her, full stop? Ivy had never expect that.
Her eyes welled up with tears and she blinked quickly, trying to hold them back. Ivy didn't know she was capable of tears. She'd cried as the result of physical pain before, but never due to her emotions. She quickly looked away. Opening up to Terence was one thing, but letting him see the extent of her feelings was something else all together.
---
She looked so confused for a long moment that he wasn't sure she had actually heard him. Was it really that incredibly difficult for her to believe? That he loved her for who she was? She was his bloody cousin. She was family. Of course he loved her regardless of whatever issues she thought problematic within herself.
Hold on.
Wait.
Was Ivy tearing up? That didn't happen. That had never happened, had it? He'd just always assumed she had had her tear ducts removed long ago...
"Did I... say something wrong? Or are you just that disgusted at the thought of me fucking Mia because you didn't actually know..."
---
Shaking her head, Ivy leaned over an threw her arms around Terence. "No, you idiot, you said all the right things." She hugged him tightly for a long moment before pulling back and wiping her eyes. "If you can still love me.. well maybe there's still hop, yeah?" Ivy knew it was stupid to think that way, but it was the only thing that made any sense to her.
"And, for what it's worth, I'm glad you're happy. In whatever way you find happiness, yeah?" She let out a long breath, laughing at the trail end of it. "Can we go back to masking our struggles with alcohol? I'm not sure I can handle more talks like this."
---
He couldn't help it; he was relieved as much as he was confused when she pulled her arms around him, but he sure as hell wasn't about to complain about her suddenly showing affection like she was. Gently stroking her back until he pulled away, he offered her a warm smile. "I don't think there was ever a doubt. You're hot, you're interesting, you're witty, you're smart..." He shrugged. "What's not to love?"
At her question, he couldn't help but snort out a laugh before taking another generous sip of his wine. "Probably less conventional than most, but..." Leaning forward, he filled up the second glass before offering her a nod. "By all means. Help yourself." A beat. "Listen-- I get that you'd figure out that I was in love with her, but... how the hell did you know Mia felt that way?"
---
"I didn't at first," she said, not moving to get any wine. Maybe being sober was a good idea for awhile. At least until she sorted out her feelings about all of this nonsense. "But once she showed up again and your mood changed so much, well. I sort of put one and one together." Being a Wandholder wasn't just about hurting people. Ivy had surpassed her peers because she she noticed things people didn't notice. She picked up on changes in mood, language, body language. It helped that she Terence better than anyone outside of her sister.
"Just be careful, yeah? Caring about someone on the other side is complicated enough, but adding in your extra complications... it's enough to drive anyone mad."