Who: Charlie Weasley & Louise Parkinson When: May 2003 Where: Louise's Flat, London, England What: Discussing Feelings and Forgiveness Rating: Low
"MUMMY!!!"
Louise laughed as Kaida burst through the door to their home and came running up to her. She'd been with her father for a few days and Louise couldn't stand how much she missed the little girl when she was gone. Her flat seemed so empty without Kaida's laughter and the constant stomping of her feet on the wooden floors. But, Charlie deserved just as much, if not more, time with their daughter and Louise wasn't about to deny him a single moment with Kaida. As Kaida crashed into her legs, Louise scooped her daughter up and peppered kisses all over her sweet, chubby face. "I missed you! Did you have fun with Daddy?" Her eyes flickered over to the hall, handsome man walking in with Kaida's bag. Louise offered him a small smile, one that didn't quite reach her eyes. The guilt she felt for what she'd done wasn't easily forgotten.
"We played wif Aunt Geeny and Uncle Stan," Kaida announced. "They have BIG DOGS!" Kaida squirmed out of her mother's arms and over to Charlie. "I go play in my room now," she declared and wrapped her arms around Charlie's legs. "I love you, Daddy!"
Shaking her head slightly as their daughter wandered off, Louise looked back at Charlie, prepared for the awkward small talk they typically shared. Things between them were awkward on a good day. She took a few steps towards him to collect Kaida's things, careful not to meet his eyes. Louise doubted Charlie had any idea just how awful she felt and how much she hated herself these days.
"She wasn't any trouble," she asked, looking at his chest. In her defense, his chest really was eye level for her.
~~&~~
Charlie never thought that fatherhood would come so... natural. Especially to a toddler, one he had met several years into her life. But he supposed that no matter how old one's child was, there was just.. a natural instinct, a draw, that drew you in. The moment he had laid eyes on Kaida, he knew in his heart she was his. And the moment that thought crossed his mind, he felt a surge of overpowering love and protection. That had yet to fade, and every moment he spent with the young girl, it only grew. He cherished every second he was granted to spend with her.
But while his baby girl was part of him, she was equally part of her mother, and that... was a stickier situation than he intended. Charlie had loved his and Louise's relationship at the beginning. It came so bloody easy... almost like breathing, and every moment they were together he loved. But he also knew she was a wanderer, just like him, and the more time they spent together, the stronger his feelings grew. But out of respect for what he assumed she wanted, Charlie had never said anything beyond. And especially now, after finding out she had hid their child from him for years, he was even more convinced she had never felt the same way about him, as he had grown over the years to feel about her.
But he didn't want to press the issue. To push her away once more. So he took what time he could get, and nothing more. But that didn't stop him from questioning if he had done something wrong to make her run... it had been at the front of his thoughts for... forever, at this point. Ever since she visited him on the preserve, after his accident. After he had almost died. Had he said something wrong to make her run? Had she never felt the same?
He couldn't think on that though, even though the thoughts came flooding back as he saw her. Every time, she made his heart skip a beat. He honestly wondered if Louise knew, or if she cared to know. But he supposed, regardless of all of that, he was at least thankful she allowed him the opportunity to meet his daughter.
"She's never any trouble," he said with a shrug, his hands pushed into his pockets as he looked up at her. She was as beautiful as the day he met her. Just as strong, and independent. Merlin, he wanted to say more, but he couldn't. She didn't want that, right? "I know you hate it when she's away though... as much as I do," he said quietly, finally taking a hand from his pocket to run through his hair. "I miss her every moment she's' gone, so I can only imagine you feel the same..." He sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry... I should go."
~~&~~
Charlie looked ready to bolt out the door and it killed Louise to watch. This man was the answer to every prayer she whispered at night and because she'd been scared he was never going to forgive her. Not that she blamed him. He shouldn't forgive her because she sure as fuck wasn't going to forgive herself.
But, gods, she wanted just a few more minutes with him. Even if she never has the man she loves truly back, Louise couldn't resist stealing moments here and there. It was pathetic how badly she craved the few minutes she had with him each week.
"It's alright," she said at mention of her missing Kaida. While it was true, Louise knew she deserved to miss their daughter. Her penance was far from over. "It's more important that she spends time with you," she said quietly.
Her eyes met his for a moment, the bright blue eyes that had pulled Louise in all those years ago. They'd been filled with wanderlust and excitement before, but now Louise couldn't begin to describe the feelings reflected in his gaze. Another crack formed on her heart and Louise wondered when it was going to finally shatter to pieces once and for all.
"Charlie," she said, her voice barely more than a breath. Her feelings for him were on the tip of her tongue every time she say him, but Louise couldn't, wouldn't, bring herself to utter them. It wasn't fair to him. Shaking her head, she wrenched her gaze away from him and looked down at the floor. "I'll see you in a few days, yeah?"
~~~&~~~
This dance that him and Louise did ever time they were in each other's presence was getting old. He just wanted things to be functional between them again, even if they could never be the same. But they owed their daughter that, to figure out how to handle everything between them. Kaida was the important one, and their own drama... well, he figured if he was a father, he might as well be a man in their current situation as well.
The look on Louise's face helped press him forward, a long sigh leaving his lips as he ran a hand through his messy red hair. "We... we really should figure this all out, you know. And I don't mean Kaida, I mean us. Because it kills me every time you look at me. You seem so... distraught. And I don't... I don't want to be the one who is causing you pain. If it's because you'd rather not see me I can have someone else pick Kaida up. Maybe one of my brothers..."
Of course, that was the last thing he wanted. He might have still been lost And confused on what had happened between them, his feelings had certainly never changed, even now. The idea of not being able to see her stung, but if it would make her life the slightest bit easier, he was willing to make that sacrifice.
~~~&~~~
Looking up sharply, Louise couldn't hide the true horror on her face. The idea of Charlie not coming around was terrifying. She'd waited so long to see him again and now it felt as though she was moments away from losing the little bit of him she had.
"No! I don't want that, I don't want that at all. I want to see you, I want you to come here and be a part of her life, make this weird little family work. I just..."
Louise felt her stomach flip violently back and forth, threatening to jump out of her mouth completely. It was a wonder she could herself from throwing up all over her pristine floors.
Turning away from him, Louise walked into her living room and sat on the sofa. It was easier to do this when he wasn't watching, she decided. When those damn blue eyes of his weren't filling her with guilt. "I know I don't deserve you being so kind to me. What I did was awful. I've hated myself every single day for it. There are dozens of letters I wrote tucked away in a trunk. I couldn't send them. I've run away from a lot of things in life, but running away from you was inexcusable. I hate myself, I really do. I just.. I panicked. I was scared, Charlie. Having a baby wasn't what we were supposed to do. We were having fun. And then I went and fucked it all up and I freaked. I wanted to tell you. I just... I thought you'd hate me because I messed up. And then the longer I waited the more I convinced myself that you'd hate me. And now you do and I deserve that, but I wanted to keep some tiny glimmer of hope alive. I wanted to believe that somehow you'd forgive me and that we'd be a family and, fuck, I know I ruined any chance of that. I know there's nothing I can do to make it better. But.. I'll do anything you want, okay? Anything for Kaida. She deserves more than me."
By the time Louise had shut up, her face was red and her cheeks wet with tears. The self hatred and shame she felt over her actions coated her words. There was no person alive in that moment who thought less of herself than Louise.
~~~&~~~
Charlie… he wasn’t expecting that, to say the least. Her raw honesty for one, and what was more than that, hearing how much she apparently regretted her decision. How much she hated herself. For some reason, hearing how much anger she had been holding onto internally all this time destroyed him. He couldn’t stand the idea of Louise feeling so negatively, hurting so much… And yes, her not telling him about his daughter hurt more than getting nearly crushed to death by a dragon, but this was a different type of pain. Because seeing the ones you cared about most go through something like this, say the things she said, well, it really told Charlie a lot about her state of mind, and the incorrect assumptions she had made.
As the silence settled around them in the wake of her words, Charlie made a decision that he had been wrestling with for years. He still had no idea if this would be a good idea, but he had no other choice at this point. He simply couldn’t go on letting her feel like this.
Moving in closer, Charlie kneeled down in front of her, grasping her chin and ever so gently forcing her to look at him. “I could never in a million years hate you,” he said gently, taking one of her hands in his own and bringing the back to his lips, kissing it gently. “I could never hate you, because I love you, Louise. I thought you left… because you knew that, and you didn’t want it. So I guess at the end of the day, we’re both guilty of not being honest with ourselves, or each other. I just want you to be happy, Louise. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, and it hasn’t changed.”
~~~&~~~
Charlie's works broke Louise. She'd already been crying, but his sweet and perfect words pushed Louise into full sobbing. He thought she left because he loved her when she'd left him because she loved him. The emotions she'd been holding inside for years spilled over and Louise crumpled against Charlie, burying her face into his neck. Her arms wrapped around his broad frame and Louise let herself cry. She allowed herself to let go of all the pain she'd been wrapping around herself for years. She had no idea how long she cried, but her body shook as all her demons flew away.
Finally, Louise pulled back, her eyes red and puffy. There had only ever been two men in Louise's life that she truly loved. The first was the love of a girl, fast and passionate and over as soon as it had come. But the love she had for Charlie was the love of a lifetime. It burned slow, but hot. And no matter how much time went by, she'd never been able to stop loving him. Four years had gone by and she swore she loved Charlie now more than she had when they were together. "You love me," she asked incredulously. "Even with what I did?"
Louise didn't know what she did to deserve this beautiful, wonderful, perfect man in front of her. Because she sure as hell hadn't been good enough for him, would never be good enough for him. "When I heard what happened to you... I came because I knew how I felt... and I left because we weren't supposed to be that. I thought I broke all the rules we had and I was... well, I was stupid. I was so damn stupid."
For some reason, Louise was given another chance in life. She sure as hell didn't deserve it, but she wasn't going to ruin it, not this time. "I love you," she said with a small laugh. "I have been in love with you since we went camping in Germany and it rained so hard our tent washed away. I thought-- it doesn't matter what I thought," she said and rested her forehead against his, letting out a long sigh of relief. "I love you," she said again, more softly. "I'm so sorry, Charlie."
~~~&~~~
He hadn’t meant to make her cry, but maybe… it wasn’t the type of crying he should be worried about. At least for the time being, he did the best he could to comfort her, hugging her close as she seemed to fall apart against him, holding her, pulling her to his chest and pressing his lips into her hair. Even when she was crying, somehow… she was perfect. Beautiful. He just hated the fact she was grieving in any way. But once she started talking again, Charlie felt more hopeful.
“Of course I do,” he assured her, pressing his forehead to hers. “I’ve always loved you… but.. I know that isn’t exactly how this was supposed to work.” He had understood that at the beginning, and even now, he still felt he was violating some unspoken agreement. But it seemed like in the long run, they both were. “Guess we both had some stupid fucking code, that in the long run, wasn’t right,” he mentioned with a chuckle, pressing another kiss into her hair. “We were both stupid, Louise. Maybe we always have been.” He shrugged at that, pulling enough away to actually look at her.
“I love you too. You don’t have to apologize. I just wish…” he let out a long breath of air, shaking his head before he managed anymore words. “I just wish I could have been there for you. I can’t imagine what it felt like to be alone. So really, I’m sorry. That I wasn’t better. I’m sorry you were alone. I would have been there for you. And now? I’ll always be there for you, Louise, if you’ll let me, okay?”
~~~&~~~
She'd been told that the person you were meant to love forever complimented your very soul. That they fit together with you, understood you better than you could understand yourself. And for so long Louise had laughed at the notion of soul mates. It seemed so illogical that there could only be one person for her in the entire world. A person she would meet by fate and happenstance. But here was Charlie, a man who was like her in so many ways. But a man who had an ability to love and forgive that Louise would never fully understand. But, gods, how she was grateful for it. He was capable of forgiveness and that ability saved them both from themselves. Louise would spend the rest of her life trying to deserve the man in front of her.
"You're here now," she said and turned to kiss his neck lightly. "You're here and I'm not leaving this time, I swear." A dragon couldn't pull her away from Charlie, from the life they might have together if they both really tried. Holding him tightly, Louise let herself have that moment, a quiet, private moment she knew she'd remember forever. "We need you. Kaida and I. We've been doing this alone for awhile and we've been okay, but we need you. She needs you and I need you. But... I'm still scared. I'm scared we're going to-- that I'm going to fuck this up."
~~~&~~~
Charlie held Louise close for a moment, quiet as she spoke, his hands gently running over the small of her back in a comforting matter. “I am here. I’ve always been here, love,” he told her quietly, not in order to hurt her feelings, but because it was the truth. If she had ever reached out, ever talked to him… he would have been there, even after months of radio silence. Because deep down, Charlie always knew that Louise was his person, but he wasn’t selfish enough to force that ideal on her without her input as well. She was a free spirit, an artist, and Charlie wasn’t about to weigh that down. Perhaps that was a bit self sacrificing on his part, but the cliché saying did pop into his mind – If you love something, let it go. He had let her go, for years, he had let her go. And he learned to live his life without her, and find enjoyment and comfort in others in the meantime. But she came back… so did that mean that she was his? That he was hers?
“Hey,” he finally said, putting his finger under her chin again, and making her look up at him. He didn’t like it when she avoided his gaze, even if it made her uncomfortable. He wanted to see her face, her eyes, and he wanted her to do the same, so he could see the sincerity and truth behind his words.
“Let me let you in on a secret, Louise. People are always scared. You, me, the old Wizard out on the street. But you just have to take a breath, and face it head on. Don’t let the world defeat you, love. You’re too strong for that, okay? And if we fuck it up? We fix it, together this time. If you want..”
~~~&~~~
"You know Ravenclaws are supposed to be the wise ones," she replied quietly. A small quip was needed, just enough to give her a moment to digest his words and take in the weight behind them. Charlie seemed to be offering her all of her dreams. No path to happiness was easy, but their path seemed to be more of a precarious mountain ridge. It had been risky, full of adventure and an uphill battle. But maybe now, maybe after all of it, they had a chance at really being together.
"I want you," she told him. "Merlin, you have no idea how much I want you. Hell, I wrote an entire fucking album about it and hoped you'd realize it was about you. But no one ever accused me of being brave." Even now with Charlie promising her everything, Louise still had doubts. They'd never been together, not like this. Wild adventures and long weekends in bed weren't the same as being settled and having a family.
Reaching up to play with his hair, Louise smiled and let out a slow sigh. "Can you stay tonight? For dinner, I mean." Dammit, she didn't mean dinner, but Louise didn't quite know how to ask the father of her child to stay over and shag her silly. They'd lost their footing and would have to relearn all the steps. "We can try to be normal, I guess... or as close as we can come to normal. Dinner, family time, all of it. Because," she said before kissing him gently. "I'm in if you're in. Whatever this is, whatever it becomes... I want it."
~~~&~~~
“I was never all that crazy about House stereotypes,” he said with a small chuckle. It was comedic, really that she wanted to compare their path to happiness, to finally admitting to each other that they felt something more than a passing fancy, to a precarious ridge. If only because it so completely encompassed who they were as people, and how they constantly lived their lives. Their relationship had always been so full of fire and life, and even now, Charlie refused to let that go away. No, he was bound and determined to bring it back, if only because he had been denied this for so long. They had lost too much time being stubborn arses.
Though that didn’t stop him from being an arse just once more. “So in the future, I should just delve directly into your lyrics to decipher what’s going on instead of conversation?” But before she could get out any sort of retort for his general ribbing he leaned forward, capturing her lips with his. And he refused to let it be a fleeting moment of physical affection, letting his hands slide up her arms and into her hair, tasting her. Fuck, it had been so god damn long, and he wanted nothing more than to press her into the couch and get out a great deal of pent up energy. But, not yet. No, he could wait for that, especially when she was offering the opportunity to stick around.
“Dinner first, definitely,” he said, waggling his eyebrows as he pulled away. “And then I’d say Kaida is old enough for… what, a trip of the Great Barrier Reef? Maybe the Dragon Preserve to meet her stuffed animal in real life?” He winked at Louise for that, knowing that he was being a bit ridiculous, but trying to get across that settling down with each other didn’t have to be the end of who they were. Their travels. Their fun. It would just be as a family, teaching their little girl about the world. “Normal is for squares. Let’s plan something… soon. We need to make up for lost time, don’t you think?”
~~~&~~~
Sighing into the kiss, Louise suddenly remembered just how good Charlie felt. It had been years since she'd been kissed with such meaning. They'd always been passionate, but giving voice to their feelings for each other intensified the affection they shared. As his hands moved up into her hair, Louise scooted closer, sitting on the edge of the sofa, wanting nothing more than to feel Charlie against her once more. She had missed him every damn day for four years. "I missed you," she breathed out when their kiss ended. "I missed you so much, Charlie," Louise said quietly. "I'd almost forgotten how this could feel, being with you."
Her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink when he agreed to stay. It was the first time Louise could recall feeling nervous about going to bed with anyone. But, Charlie, Merlin bless that man, he put her at ease within the next breath. "If you take her to see the dragons then you'll seal your spot as her most favorite parent," Louise said with a laugh and another kiss to his lips. She loved him. It had been pushed down for years, only expressed through her songs. Louise hadn't allowed herself to truly feel her love for Charlie for fear it would never be shared. And now, the most perfect man in the world was kneeling in front of her and confessing his love, planning a future with her, and Louise couldn't contain the joy she felt.
Louise slipped from the sofa and knelt in front of Charlie. Her arms wrapped around his waist and she rested her head on his broad chest. "Promise me we'll never be normal. We can do this.. us.. our family.. we can do that without becoming normal, right?" Being boring, being like everyone else scared the hell out of Louise. She craved adventure, excitement and mystery. She wanted to be with Charlie because he had never been normal. "Promise me, Red. If we start to get normal then we leave for a grand adventure. Sleep in tents. Climb mountains. Go take our chances on those food carts in Brazil and get food poisoning again," she said with a smile.
~~~&~~~
“Well,” he said softly, after they’d broken away from each other for a moment of breathing. One they probably both needed, as Charlie knew his heart was racing. He wasn’t the type to pretend that a kiss couldn’t leave him flustered and breathless, just like it would a woman. He was comfortable enough with who he was to admit to that. And Merlin, kissing her again brought it all back in waves, memories he had not wanted to let go of, but had done so for his own sanity, and for hers. But now? Now he was quite sure he’d never be able to let her go again, or anything they shared. “Hopefully neither of us will have to forget again, yeah? Now that the stubbornness is out of the way?” he nipped at her lower lip following that comment.
He felt a small bubble of laughter leave his chest at the idea that he could so easily become the favorite, giving her an innocent shrug, a sly smile on his features. “Hey, you’re the one who made sure she was just as Dragon crazy as her old man,” he stated, wagging his eyebrows in her direction. Louise didn’t have to do that, after all. Telling Kaida about him… well, out of everything, he was most thankful for that. At least knowing he wasn’t a total mystery to his baby girl meant a lot more than he cared to admit. Of course, that wound would always be a bit raw, deep down, but he supposed it could have been worse. She could have thought that Kirley was her father, or some other bullshite like that. Honestly, the idea probably killed him more.
But he didn’t have to even think like that anymore, thankfully. Finally airing it all out had done wonders to take a weight off his chest, and out of his heart, that he had carried around ever since finding out about his daughter.
When Louise wrapped her arms around him, he leaned over her, enveloping her in a giant hug, his chin gently resting on the top of her head as he nodded. “Louise Parkinson. If you honestly think that either of us have the ability to be the slightest bit boring, then I think you’ve gone completely batty and I’m going to have to commit you,” he chided, pressing his lips to her hair, whispering against it. “This is just the start of our adventure, okay? After all, we’re going to have to show Kaida the world. We’ve seen it, right? It’s only fair to share all of that life, all of those experiences firsthand. I won’t let her miss out, and I won’t let you miss you either. I promise. This is just the beginning, Lou.”