Happy Daft Day, whitecotton! Recipient:whitecotton Title: Animal Husbandry (Not Really What It Sounds Like) Author:eeyore9990 Rating: NC-17 Word Count: ~4800 Warning(s): *Wildly inappropriate humour and Wizard of Oz references. Also, ritualistic sex and the sacrificing of animals.* Prompt/Summary: In which Snape fists a sheep, thestrals die, and Harry turns to Snape for help (the sexy kind). Well, two out of three ain't bad. A/N:whitecotton, you bring so much joy and happiness to fandom that I really wanted to do the same for you. Thanks to alisanne for the awesome 11th hour beta when everyone else was snowed under. Literally.
"Don't look at me like that," Severus muttered gruffly to the sheep as he stuck his hand into her vagina. Well, birth canal, really, but that was just semantics. Seven years of practice, and he'd never quite got over his distaste for sticking body parts into the hind ends of the animals he treated.
"Oh, sorry. I didn't think you could see me." There was an awkward laugh before the voice went on, "Though, I have to say, I never expected to meet you quite like this. Er. You know. Again. With the meeting, not the sheep."
Severus sighed, squeezing his eyes closed. Of course Potter would choose this specific moment to re-enter his life. Severus removed his hand from the ewe, patted her between her shoulders and stood, stripping the thin gloves off as he did so. "Why are you here?"
"I came to find you. We, er, need your--why are you here?" Potter asked, interrupting himself as Severus turned to face him. "I mean. I figured I'd find you in a potion shop somewhere. Not in Yorkshire."
"My work is in animal husbandry." At Potter's wide-eyed gaze, Severus rolled his eyes and said, "You do realise that has nothing to do with marriage, yes? Or bestiality?"
"Oh, erm. Sure."
"It is a veterinary specialty." Severus shook his head, exhaustion creeping over him. "What do you want, Potter? Be quick; I have appointments, and I've still to speak with this creature's owner."
Potter drew a deep breath and said, "The thestrals are dying."
"All creatures die, Potter, even the magical ones."
"No, I mean. All of them. There are only four left at Hogwarts. Mothers are giving birth to still-born foals and then dying themselves."
"Only the females are dying?"
"No, we've found three males dead in the past six months. Others have vanished; we're not sure if they've left or died somewhere deeper in the Forest."
A dark thought struck Severus. "Have the Aurors found evidence of foul play?"
"We haven't called in the Aurors yet; Luna suggested I talk to you first."
"You are not an Auror?"
"No, I teach at Hogwarts." Apparently something in his expression gave away Severus' shock because Potter said, "I'm not an idiot. I hold a Master-level certification in both Charms and Defense Against the Dark Arts."
"I've seen no evidence of your new-found mental abilities."
"When I got here, you were fisting a sheep. You'll have to forgive me for being thrown a bit off my game."
Severus rolled his eyes. "About the thestrals..."
"I sincerely hope you won't be fisting them," Potter said with a grin, then held up a hand. "Sorry, sorry. Couldn't resist. No, we..." He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, the expression on his face one Severus was far-too-familiar with. Clueless. "I called in Hagrid--he's retired now; Luna's teaching Care of Magical Creatures--and Charlie Weasley, and between the four of us, all we've been able to identify is that they are, indeed, dying. But that's it, which is frustrating, to say the least."
Severus frowned; whether he knew it or not, Potter had already consulted the true experts. Severus' own work was with farm animals and the occasional domesticated magical creature--which explained why he'd be happy if all Puffskeins disappeared off the face of the Earth. Entirely. And took their annoying little friends, the Crups, with them. Bah. "It is unlikely that I will be able to provide any further information."
"Would you be willing to try?" Potter asked, and something in his expression told of the struggle he'd undergone in finding his way to a place where he could ask for help, any help, from Severus.
Severus studied Potter for a long moment, drawing it out until Potter began to squirm, then shrugged and said, "Examining thestral corpses has to be preferable to fisting sheep."
"Well? What do you think happened?" Potter asked some hours later as they stood in the brisk and biting wind that could only be found in Scotland.
Severus nudged the stiffened corpse of the thestral mare. "As coroner, I must aver, I thoroughly examined her, and she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead." Potter stared at him, mouth gaping, until Severus rolled his eyes and said, "It's from the Wizard of Oz, you miserable excuse for a half-Muggle."
"I just... can't believe you've seen it, much less run around quoting it."
"Honestly, Potter, what did you expect? It's the Wizard of Oz. I have to admit, I mostly watched it again as an adult to marvel at how perfectly Frank L Baum managed to portray Albus."
"Well, illuminating as that is--and boggled as I am about when you found the time to watch the Wizard of Oz often enough to pull a completely random Munchkinland quote out of your arse--about the thestral?"
Severus raised an eyebrow and said, "It's dead. From all outward signs, it's a completely natural, though early, death. I won't be able to tell anything further without a blood sample and my laboratory."
Potter waved his wand and took not only a blood sample, but tissue and hoof samples as well.
"Very good, Potter."
"I may not always live up to your expectations, but I do know what I'm about in most areas."
"No need to be so defensive."
It was Potter's turn to raise his eyebrow, and Severus left him to seal up the samples while he cast some basic identification spells around the clearing. His magic didn't trigger anything, and they'd been standing out there long enough for any creature bent on sucking the lives from them to have made its move. There was nothing left to find here. Severus turned and muttered, "Inflamare!" at the corpse, watching as it burned bright for a moment before turning to ash which dispersed on the wind.
"Why did you do that?"
"Do you remember the unicorn? Your first year?"
Potter nodded. "Something dark could feed off it, then?"
"I've not yet encountered such a creature, but I find myself unwilling to risk the possibility." He Summoned the samples from Potter, placed them in his pouch, and gave one last, narrow-eyed glance around their immediate area before turning and following Potter's thrashing lead to the castle.
Severus huddled in his chair, hands wrapped around a steaming cup of black tea as he sniffed at it desperately. "Thank you, Hagrid," he said gruffly, weary to the bone from days spent bent over a series of cauldrons, trying to find anything off about the samples they'd taken from the thestral.
"'Ere now, yer workin' too hard." Hagrid's friendly pat on the back nearly dislocated Severus' spine.
Glaring as his tea sloshed over the edge of his cup, Severus said, "Watch it, you oaf. Were you and Weasley able to find anything in the Forest?"
"Nothing," Charlie said, walking through the doorway into the professors' lounge. "But Luna may have found something."
"Where is Miss Lovegood?"
"She and Harry are on their way. She's cleansing him of bad energy or negative karma or something like that. Who the hell knows? I barely managed to escape."
"Y'know, there's naught wrong wi' her brand o' healin'. Works wonders for th' beasties."
Severus shared a look with Weasley and went back to sipping at his tea until Lovegood came through the door, nearly dragging Potter through after her. Severus choked on his tea at the sight of Potter. The air around his head sparkled in a corona of colourful light, his reddened cheeks lending a festive glow to the look. Severus opened his mouth to say something, only to have Potter beat him to the punch with a Silencing spell. Pursing his lips, Severus was forced to content himself with a raised eyebrow.
"I don't want to hear it," Potter whispered through his teeth as he took a chair close to Severus. "I know how ridiculous I look, all right? If you promise not to mock me, I'll undo the spell."
Severus straightened in his chair and leaned across Potter to retrieve a scrap bit of parchment and a self-inking quill off a small table. His lips twisted with satisfaction when the ink contained in the quill came out a virulent red. Tilting the paper so that Potter could see it, he slowly and distinctly spelled out: D - O - L - T.
Potter sighed heavily and muttered, "Finite incantatem."
Given back his voice, Severus smirked and said, "There was no need for me to promise not to mock you, Potter. You're enough of a walking mockery on your own. Miss Lovegood," he said, turning toward the young lady who had never outgrown her penchant for wearing vegetables as adornments, "I must commend your spell work."
She smiled, head tilted quizzically, then seemed to dismiss him completely from her mind when she turned to Hagrid and said, "Peace is fatal." When she received nothing but blank--and mostly-concerned--looks in response, she blinked and added, "For the thestrals."
Potter smacked his forehead. "God, of course. How the hell did we not see this sooner?"
Severus ground his teeth against one another, irritated that somehow Potter had managed to understand what it was Lovegood was telling them and he had not. At least he didn't have to admit it; Weasley seemed happy enough to admit ignorance.
"See what?"
"Thestrals only appear to magic folk who've seen death. They're classified as dark creatures. This is... Luna, you're bloody brilliant!"
Severus, brain working feverishly, finally realised what it was Potter and Lovegood were hinting at. "Weasley, what they're trying to say is that the creatures feed off darkness. Since the war, the magical world has been at peace. Peace is basically synonymous with light. The peace that's overtaken the world is killing them."
"And people aren't dying at the same rate they did, either," Potter interjected. "It's pretty much just old age that's killing us these days. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but since we see them after a death, it seems like there could be a connection."
Severus raised an eyebrow and tried to hide his approval at Potter's deduction.
Weasley, though, was frowning and shaking his head. "I'm not saying you're wrong, but Hogwarts has always had a team of thestrals that pull the carriages for the students. You can't tell me this is the first time in the history of the wizarding world that we've been at peace. How did they keep the thestrals alive before?"
"Are we certain that they've always drawn the carriages?" Potter asked.
"Yes, they've their own chapter in Hogwarts: A History."
"They'd have done sommat, th' past groun'skeepers." Hagrid stroked one hand over his beard, face scrunched up in thought. "I s'pose ye could ask th' past Headmasters. They might know."
Potter leaned forward. "What about Binns?" At the blank stares that garnered, he added, "He's been around... what? Forever? And he teaches history. He knew about the Chamber of Secrets, maybe he'd know about this."
Severus nodded. "We have options, at any rate, which is always helpful. Miss Lovegood, if you and Hagrid would like to go converse with the portraits in the Headmistress' office, Potter, Weasley and I will go to speak with Professor Binns."
After Lovegood and Hagrid left the room, Weasley turned to him with a questioning look. Severus put up one hand to forestall his questions. "I spent a year in that office; I know how long they'll argue amongst themselves before offering a solution."
"Yeah, but will Binns get to the point before they do is the question."
Potter's words proved nearly prophetic, though Severus was pleasantly surprised that both Weasley and Potter, while visibly impatient, sat politely through Binns' droning lecture on the role the Hogwarts thestrals had played throughout history. As a bonus, they were still awake, though Severus thought that owed more to the wit-sharpening potions the three of them had taken prior to seeking out Binns than any interest in the ghost's lesson.
Binns' steady flow of words finally tapered to a halt, and Severus sat forward, capturing his attention. "What did the groundskeepers of the past do to aid in the high population of Hogwarts' thestrals during periods of peace?"
Binns bobbed in the air, the ancient blackboard with its hundred-year-old lesson still scribbled on it a wavering blur behind him. "Throughout most of history, even during periods of peace in the wizarding world itself, there was enough unrest in the Muggle world that a healthy stable of thestrals were able to be maintained. However, there was a fifty year period in the sixteenth century that saw the herd nearly halved before the caretaker at the time--and in years past, the caretaker had the duties of groundskeeper as well--found a solution to halt their decline. It was not an issue in the rest of wizarding Britain as thestrals are rarely used, but Hogwarts' tradition of using the beasts to pull the carriages meant that the stable here required the maintenance of at least forty adult thestrals--"
"What was his solution?" Potter asked, sitting forward.
"The caretaker was a witch, actually. Brigitte Beckett. She was most noted for her theories on the effect of magical infusion on inert materials such as--"
"Her solution, sir?" Weasley asked, scratching his blunt-tipped fingers through the stubble on his chin.
Binns pursed his lips and said, "Blood sacrifice and sex magic. They aren't terribly different as both require the shedding of precious fluids, but they're wildly powerful, and the deaths required were capable of sustaining a herd of up to fifty."
"Deaths?" Severus' and Potter's voices blended together on the question.
"Blood sacrifice, while occasionally human, found more ready acceptance by the community at large when conducted on animals. Usually medium to large animals, though there as a time in 1199 that Wilfred Elphick attempted to sacrifice an erumpent, but the spell he was attempting backfired when the erumpent gored him to death and he lost control of the magic."
"Yes, yes," Severus said, unable to keep the impatience from his tone. "I'm certain we all understand how blood sacrifice would lead to a death. How would sex magic end in death, or is it necessary to combine the two? Sex magic culminating in blood sacrifice?"
"What? No, not at all. How vulgar." Binns tutted airily. "The ritual used required two men. They would spill their seed on or in each other." He stopped speaking, as if that explained everything.
"And?" Potter asked. "That doesn't sound so awful to me. How is it death?"
"Perhaps it was French? You know, 'the little death'," Weasley offered with a shrug.
"Of course not. Please try not to be so crass, Fabian."
"Erm, I'm Charlie."
Binns waved his hand through the air and said, "Men are incapable of bearing life. To spill fertile semen into them would, in effect, be the death of the potential children that could have resulted from that semen."
"So why not just wank?" At Binn's blank stare, Potter elaborated, "Masturbate. You know..." Severus curled a hand over his mouth to hide his humour when Potter made a rude gesture.
"The ritual required pairs of men. Two, usually, though four pairings were considered more stable."
"Pairsss?" Weasley asked, stressing the plural.
"Yes. Two pairs or four pairs." Binns' monotone voice drew out, as if he were speaking to someone a bit slow in the head.
"Has a copy of the ritual requirements survived?" Severus asked.
Binns floated across the room to a book that lay open, dust thick on the surface of the page it was turned to. He stuck his face an inch into the book and then drew back. "Yes, it's here. Do be careful, though, as the pages may have become brittle over the years."
Severus withdrew his wand and cast a preservation charm on the thick parchment before slowly turning the pages, watching Binns for a hint of when he was getting close.
"There!"
Severus looked down and scowled at the atrociously loopy handwriting. Forcing himself to ignore that for the moment, he made a copy of the page and then slowly turned it again, to ensure there was nothing further. Satisfied that they'd gleaned all the information they were going to from Binns, Severus bowed low and said, "Thank you, sir, for your time and the gift of your knowledge. You have been of tremendous assistance."
They met Lovegood and Hagrid in the corridor outside the Great Hall and, checking the time, decided to compare notes over lunch.
"The four of you need to have sex," Lovegood said without preamble once they were seated at the Head Table. She sighed wistfully and added, "I never get to have this sort of fun."
Severus stared at her for a long moment before shaking his head and turning to the other three of his companions. "The fortuitous part of this is the timing. The students are home for the summer hols. On the other hand, we're the only four here at present, and while it would be easy enough to summon more men to aid in this ritual, time would be wasted in explanations."
"You're thinking the four of us make up the minimum two pairs for the ritual," Potter said, then shrugged. "Sounds good to me. You okay with that, Charlie?"
Weasley grinned rakishly and said, "I call dibs on Hagrid!"
"Size queen," Potter muttered, and Severus coughed to hide his shock even as he watched Weasley slant a lascivious look at a blushing Hagrid. Potter turned to him and said, "So that just leaves you and me. Is that going to be a problem?"
Severus took a long sip of water to allow him time to order his thoughts and then said, "I would assume, if a problem were to be had, you'd be the one having it."
"If it helps, I can bleat." Potter tilted his head and gave an experimental, "Baaaah."
"Oh, I'm so hot for you right now," Severus dead-panned as Potter burst into laughter.
Wiping his eyes, Potter said, "Seriously, though, I'm sure we could rearrange things if you're uncomfortable with... well. With me."
Severus rolled his eyes. "Of course not. As long as you understand that any... penetrating will be done by me."
Potter grinned. "Brilliant!"
"Can I at least perform the animal sacrifice?" Lovegood said, as close to pouting as Severus had ever seen her.
They stood facing north, waiting for the signal from Lovegood. Thankfully, as far as Severus' peace of mind was concerned, Weasley and Hagrid were nearly a kilometer away on the southernmost point of Hogwarts' grounds. The signal was supposed to be red sparks, but as Severus stood beside an oddly silent Potter, he realised he could feel the magic building in the earth itself, sliding fingers of energy up through his body from the points where he was connected with it.
Potter's breathing grew heavy and he whispered, "Can you feel that?"
"Yes."
Potter dropped his head, each subsequent breath growing heavier.
"What is wrong with you?"
"It's... so..." He went to his knees, and Severus felt the first stirring of true worry.
Severus frowned and was about to say something else when he saw sparks shoot above the castle. Glancing to the right, he watched as liquid filled the silver bowl they'd placed there, ready to receive half the blood taken from the animal Lovegood had just sacrificed. Working quickly, Severus dipped his fingers into the warm blood and pushed Potter's shirt up toward his chin, drawing runes into the skin over his heart. As he drew, Potter became more and more agitated, and even Severus began to feel the power of the ritual filling him.
As he finished the last rune, the power seemed to snap and Potter fell in a heap on the ground, breathing quick and raspy as he turned large eyes on Severus. "That was..."
"Be careful of your words, Potter. We must still finish this, and that may have been merely the beginning of the magic you'll feel tonight." Severus pulled a candle from his pocket and placed it in the bowl of blood. Barely an inch of the candle showed, and they both watched it closely as it was lit. The flame flickered for a moment before burning true and they both let out a breath of relief.
So far, so good.
Severus took out the silver knife he used for potions making, and used it to cut the clothing from Potter's body, his movements slow and methodical. The rent articles went to the side one at a time until Potter lay completely naked, the bright moon overhead limning his body in a silvery light broken only by the warmth of the candle's flame.
"No turning back now," Potter muttered and shifted restlessly on the grass.
"Were you planning to?" Severus asked, fingers making quick work of the buttons on his robes.
"Nah, but I was almost certain you'd run screaming at some point. After all, I haven't stopped being me in the last seven years."
"You have, however, stopped being a child. Well, in body at any rate," Severus said with a smirking twist of his lips. "Which is fortunate as I've never been attracted to children."
"What? You mean you weren't lusting after my short, skinny self in school? My ego may never recover."
Severus shook his head. "Enough talk. The candle won't stop burning simply because you enjoy the sound of your own voice."
Finally divested of his clothing, Severus knelt on the ground beside Potter and stared at the body laid out before him. It had been a long time since he'd done this, but the parts appeared to be the same. Reaching out, he took hold of Potter's quiescent cock and received a sharp bark of laughter in response.
"Just... right to it, then? C'mon, Snape, if we have to do this, let's at least enjoy ourselves." Potter pushed himself up onto an elbow, using the other hand to grip the back of Severus' neck and pull him down into a kiss. It was like no kiss Severus had ever experienced. For one, Potter seemed to understand how to navigate around his nose, and there was no gentle exploration. It was obvious from the minute their lips touched that he was kissing a man who knew what he was about.
Thank heaven for small favours.
Severus opened his mouth, deciding to give his full attention to participating in the moment. Potter's teeth tugged at his lower lip and his tongue swept along it before Potter lunged forward, knocking them both to the ground. Severus grunted as the air was forced from his lungs, but he was unable to voice disapproval at Potter's exuberance because Potter's tongue was blocking any sound he might attempt to make.
Fingers trailed down his arms, over his sides, and up his chest to tweak at his nipples. Severus made a noise in the back of his throat and shifted restlessly under Potter's hands before deciding to regain the upper hand. Hooking one leg around Potter's, he rolled them both and then pulled his mouth from Potter's to taste the skin just below his jaw. Nipping and sucking, he worked down to the leading edge of the runes he'd traced before pulling back. Sitting up on his knees, he stared down at Potter, quirking one eyebrow at the rampant erection prodding his stomach.
"Right to it then?" he mocked.
"Yeah, sounds good," Potter said, sounding slightly breathless.
Severus looked at the candle and nodded. They really did not have time to indulge themselves. Reaching for his discarded robes, Severus searched the pocket and pulled out a jar of high-quality lubricant. Twisting off the lid, he scooped up a generous amount with two fingers and then shifted around until he was kneeling between Potter's legs.
"This will be a bit--"
"Cold!" Potter howled, hissing in a breath as Severus smoothed the lubricant around his entrance before thrusting one finger firmly through the opening.
Severus hid his grin and continued spreading the lubricant inside of Potter, paying close attention to stretching and preparing Potter for the moment he entered him. When he deemed him ready--mostly because Potter was cursing and spitting and twisting under him, legs wrapping around his hips in an attempt to force him closer--Severus pulled his fingers free and used them to spread more lube over his own erection.
He wrapped his fingers around himself and gave his cock a few slow, firm tugs, smirking at the way Potter's hot gaze followed the movement of his hand.
"Going to waste that, then?"
"According to the terms of this ritual, apparently so."
Potter snorted and rolled his hips. "You know, that candle isn't going to last a lot longer. Get inside me already before I get bored and fall asleep."
Severus flicked a glance to the candle and nodded. Lining himself up with Potter's arse, he was about to thrust forward when Potter shifted beneath him, lifting his legs to place his ankles on Severus' shoulders.
"Now," Potter said, "you can pound away. Don't worry about hurting me; I've been looking forward to this all day."
Though surprised, Severus took Potter at his word and entered him with one firm thrust. Potter arched beneath him, neck muscles straining as a low sound vibrated from his throat. Severus pulled slowly back, concerned that he'd possibly hurt Potter when the muttering started.
"God, yes! That's the way to fuck me." All through his thrusting, Potter kept up a running monologue. "More, again, pull all the way out, yes, like that, oh fuck, feels so good, so perfect, oh god, hitting me just right, needed this, wanted you, now, now, now, yes, god!" Potter's words drove Severus' arousal higher and higher until he was afraid he wouldn't outlast the candle's flame.
Finally, needing to forestall his own orgasm, he ripped his gaze from Potter's flushed and sweaty face to stare at the candle, desperation rising within him as the flame seemed to burn slower and slower. He grunted his relief as the flame began to waver and shrink and turned his attention back to Potter. Taking Potter's cock in his hand, he began to slowly wank him and leaned down 'til Potter's toes touched the ground above his head--and seriously, that level of flexibility would need to be explored again later--so he could whisper in his ear, "Come for me, Potter. Let go and come now." Potter gurgled and went still, his arse contracting around Severus and pulling his orgasm from him as the candle's flame died, leaving behind only a thin stream of smoke.
Severus collapsed against Potter, praying his heart wouldn't actually explode as it seemed bent on doing. "We... should probably... move. Return to the... castle." He hated how affected he sounded, but at least he was still coherent. Unlike Potter.
And really, what the fuck was Potter doing? His legs were moving restlessly against Severus' and seriously, there was no way in hell the boy could be ready again. Not this soon. It simply wasn't physically possible. A faint whisper reached Severus and he leaned down to hear Potter saying, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home."
Severus rolled his eyes. "Simply because you're gay, Potter, doesn't mean you need to be quoting Judy Garland."
"Says the Mayor of Munchkinland."
Severus groaned and pushed away from Potter before taking hold of the imbecile and yanking him to his feet, maintaining his hold until Potter's legs seemed that they might support him. "Come along. We should go see if our... attempt... worked."
"How will we know?"
Severus stopped after three steps and turned to Potter. "If we find a dead thestral, we'll know we failed."
"We won't find them 'til the morning."
"And between now and then, I'd like to find a bed. A warm and cozy one. With a firm, but not too firm, mattress."
The brightly lit moon hung in shame as Potter's smile out-shone it. "Sounds a lot like mine. Care to test it out?"
"No bleating. No references to sheep. At all. No singing. No sparkly shoes."
"...Well, fine. Though if you change your mind about the shoes..."
Severus rolled his eyes and grabbed Potter's hand, tugging him along. "If I change my mind about the shoes, feel free to douse me with a bucket of water."