I'm not sure if your aim was to amuse, mystery author, but you certainly succeeded in amusing me! Oh, wow, lol.
This was truly wonderful. I love how the style is very reminiscent of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries, though I daresay Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would never have written anything so raunchy. xD
Truly, the giftee (giftees?) is very, very lucky. Awesome job.