This was completely & brilliantly hilarious - VERY crack-y - and I loved it.
But more than that, I really loved this part -
"You came here, Harry Potter, to fuck Severus Snape. Say. It," Mr Wand ordered. "Say it, or I'll open that door and show you to them like this, hard and desperate and mine. Say it! Tell me you want me. Tell me you came here to—"