Surely not. I cannot imagine ANY circumstances in which I would be willing to contemplate getting within even gardening shears' distance of Albus' bollocks. None.
Now if I were trying to think of someone *else* that might be willing to (on a purely hypothetical basis, you understand), let's see.
Assuming a more than passing resemblance between Albus and Aberforth, which seems likely enough, and assuming the continued presence of the chains, Aberforth's goat might do. One way or another.
As for the Elvis, what did you think the manacles were for? A metric ton of bad fic aside, detentions are supposed to be punishment, not reward - or it would have been silk, and no Elvis!