There's No Use Getting into Heavy Petting Characters: Luna, Neville Summary: Luna comes to a shocking -- shocking, I say! -- conclusion.
Luna sucked on the end of her quill, absentmindedly drawing the barbs into a point between her lips as she mentally organized the next entry. She found herself with less and less time to work on her encyclopedia as the twins grew older, and now with Neville shamelessly milking his "delicate condition" for all it was worth with her, a few moments with just herself and her notes felt like a luxury.
She had thought that she'd have a great deal more to add to this entry now that she owned a specimen herself, but the hands-on experience mostly gave her a better idea of appearance and skin texture, diet, and abilities as an escape artist of one individual lizard. All of which were important, of course, but she didn't know that much more about Herbert's species than she had when she had written to Neville about discovering its existence. Shrugging one shoulder, she began to write.
Empreg: The empreg lizard is a member of the genus Phrynosoma. Observed male specimens have tan and brown markings and grow to at least 8 inches in length, but it is currently unknown if further variety in color, pattern, or size may be present in the females of the species or within the species as a whole. Its ability to escape and hide in open areas suggest a possible relationship with the Chamaeleonidae family. It is native to parts of Brazil, Venezuela, Colombia, and Peru, where it is worshiped by a sect of wizards who refer to themselves as "Vida de Lagarto." The sect has been active for hundreds, if not thousands, of years, based upon their sacred texts as well as the age of ruins dedicated to the empreg lizard which still have anti-Muggle wards active. The sect is credited with having saved the empreg lizard from extinction, though its exact methods are unknown. Unlike most of the known species on the planet, which reproduce asexually or sexually through heterosexual relations, the empreg lizard reproduces viviparously through homosexual relations only. (Further observation of this phenomenon is also required, though study of the male of the species shows a unique womb placement.) Perhaps due to some instinct rendered unnecessary by evolution, the empreg lizards continue to mate in a largely heterosexual manner, leading to their near extinction. While the sacred texts of the Vida de Lagarto refer to the saving of the lizards in riddles and euphemisms, leaving even the current members unsure of their ancestors' strategy, they speculate that some magical process was used either to allow reproductive organs normally used in homosexual reproduction to become active during heterosexual mating or to allow growth of the reproductive organs of the other gender (as is common in certain species of amphibians) or perhaps even both. Study of the anatomy and behavior of both genders may help in understanding the process, but the empreg is an elus --
Luna's eyes widened as the words she'd written. The information wasn't new, but she hadn't given it much thought lately either. Her quill fell to the page, spattering the fresh ink, and she turned to stare at the sofa where Neville was napping, Herbert curled on his stomach as had become strangely ordinary. She marched over to the pair and picked up Herbert. Holding him at eye level, she said, "What did you do?"
Herbert's only response was to open one eye and dart his tongue out to lick her nose.
The pleasant dream Neville had been enjoying slipped away, and he shifted on the sofa, trying to make himself comfortable but failing to settle. Giving up on further sleep with a heavy sigh, he opened his eyes and looked about for Luna, hoping that she would be willing to make him a cup of tea. He started when he realised that she was right next to the sofa, holding Herbert. Hoping that she wasn't going to bring the lizard any closer, he pushed himself up slightly.
Frowning he asked, "Everything all right?"
Luna looked at Neville over the top of Herbert's head, her eyes still as wide as when her mind had started making the connections. "I think I know why you're pregnant." She turned Herbert around to face Neville. "The lizard did it!"
Neville's first awful thought translated itself perfectly onto his face: his eyes widened, his nose wrinkled and his mouth dropped open in a combination of outrage and horror.
"How the fuck -?" he began, and then stopped as more of his brain woke up and he realised that as objectionable as he found Herbert, he didn't think the lizard was quite capable of raping him, at least physically.
Starting again - his face settling into grim enquiry this time - he asked, "And, er, just how is that, darling?" He didn't normally use pet names with Luna, and the way he said 'darling' contained all of the building anger that was ready to erupt just as soon as she finished explaining how a creature she had brought into the house had got him up the duff. Please Merlin, please don't let it be some sort of mutant-hybrid!
The question stopped Luna short, since putting her sudden certainty into words was more difficult than making the connection in the first place. "Well, I'm not exactly sure, since I'm not sure what spells they used on his ancestors in the first place. It would help if I had a female as well, or maybe I could figure something out if I got another look at the Vida de Lagarto texts. But it doesn't matter how. It makes so much sense! The empregs are obviously enhanced with magic somehow, something strong enough to pass on for generations. I mean, they're still reproducing heterosexually even now."
Neville stared at Luna, his mouth dropping open again, this time in confusion. "Of course, they're reproducing heterosexually! What the hell reproduces the other way? Except Snape. And, er, Remus and Serenus. But that was because of some kind of charmed pot," he said, waving his hand dismissively. "Hang on, so those things," he said, pointing at Herbert, "reproduce homosexually, and, and what? Herbert reproduced with me!?" The first thought returned and Neville shuddered violently.
Obviously Neville had forgot the letter she'd sent back then, but that was hardly a surprise. "I seriously doubt that. He's far too straight. That's why the wizards had to interfere in the first place, because the empregs were all dying out." Luna pulled Herbert back against her chest and cuddled him. It was hardly his fault he was the way he was, and Neville was probably scaring him with that accusatory tone. As she held him close, another thought occurred to her. "Oh, and he's awfully small compared to you, too. No, I think it's far more likely that his magic affected us somehow, and let us reproduce heterosexually too."
"Oh, really?" Neville said, crossing his arms and trying to cover the embarrassment he felt at Luna pointing out that Herbert mating with him was physically impossible. Especially as he had already realised it, but had still said something so stupid. "Well, I think we were managing that just fine before Herbert decided to be so bloody helpful. Didn't he notice the twins?"
"I'm sure he has, Nimue pulls his tail at every opportunity," Luna said, confused, as she ran through her words to figure out why Neville was bringing the twins into this. She'd had them after all, not him.
Upon realizing her mistake, she forced her lips into a sweet smile instead of pressing them together as she wanted to. She knew how annoying pregnancy and the hormones could be, but this was difficult enough to explain without Neville misunderstanding her on purpose. "You know very well what I meant, Neville Longbottom."
Lowering his head in acceptance, he pouted down at his crossed arms. Brow creasing as something began to occur to him, he moved his elbows out, hands sliding across his abdomen to finally rest there, cradling the place his child was growing.
"Hang on," he said. "That means... That means that this really is our child!" He looked back up at Luna, his relieved grin souring slightly when it was returned by the lizard she still held.
Luna nodded, glad that Neville seemed to have the idea of it himself now without further explanation. "I might be able to find out more about it, like I said earlier, but I'd have to go back to South America to do so. I'm sure you're in far too fragile a state for me to be going off," she said, her voice thick with innocence on the last sentence. She dumped Herbert on Neville's stomach -- for all the sour looks he was giving the poor lizard, they must have been getting along better if Neville was letting Herbert sleep there, and Neville grumbled about Swash all of the time too when everyone knew he'd come to adore the cat -- so that she could sit on the floor next to them. She leaned against the sofa, resting her cheek next to Neville's face. "It's really too bad Zach couldn't do a paternity test. The look on his face would have been interesting, I think."
"Er, yeah," Neville responded vaguely, distracted by the lizard sat on his stomach, and the fact that he hadn't just flung the thing across the room. It had been his first instinct and his hands were still holding Herbert where they had grabbed hold of the lizard in order to dispose of it. However, as soon as Herbert had landed, a soothing warmth had washed over Neville, relieving him of his heavy weariness. Maybe it was because they had already been talking about the lizard's magic, but Neville suddenly had the disheartening thought that Herbert's work wasn't over.
"Luna... Do you think maybe it would be a bad idea to, er, take Herbert away?" Even as he said it, Neville was experimentally lifting Herbert and placing the lizard on the back of the sofa. He rubbed his fingers against his palms as he released the warm leathery body. It took a moment, and Neville prayed that it was a psychosomatic reaction only, but the irritable exhaustion that had lingered despite the St Mungo's potions soon began creeping over him again. "Oh, bloody hell..." he whined.
"I hadn't thought about it. I didn't even think about Herbert's magic until a few moments before you woke up, you know. Why, what's wrong?" Luna turned her face so that her chin rested on the sofa and her quizzical expression rested about an inch away from Neville's eye.
Neville turned his head, trying to hide his face against Luna's cheek. "I think we should take Herbert with us when we see Healer Abramowitz for the paternity test," he mumbled. "If he just soothes the discomfort I can live without the help, but..." Neville closed his eyes. He knew exactly what happened when you removed a creature from a delicately balanced ecosystem. This situation was a little different, and a lot odder than most of his research subjects, but his specialty was symbiotic relationships, and he knew that it was very possible that having given him the ability to conceive in the first place, Herbert might be crucial to the course of the pregnancy as well. He hoped that a few tests would prove him wrong, but somehow, knowing his luck, he doubted it.
"I feel better when I'm holding Herbert," he reluctantly explained to Luna. "I think he might still be doing some sort of magic."
"Oh, is that all? He's making you feel better?" Luna patted Herbert's head. "Good boy, that's very nice of you."
Neville glanced back at the lizard, which was still grinning. He may have got rid of the mystery father hanging over the pregnancy - Neville fully expected Abramowitz's test to confirm Luna's theory - but it seemed that he was going to swap that concern for the displeasure of Herbert's company. Then again, maybe it was all in his head because of their conversation. Merlin, he hoped so.
Trying to concentrate on the positive of Luna's discovery, he took possession of Luna's hand and laid it over his abdomen. "Our baby," he sighed. That was enough for now.