No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat... Characters: Gaius, Regulus, Serenus, Severus Summary: The truth is uncovered at last.
After learning the news of Gaius' suitcase being discovered in Monkshood Cottage, both Severus and Serenus were - as their partners expected - worried and anxious to begin searching for Gaius in earnest. All roads dead-ended, much to their frustration. It seemed as if Gaius had simply disappeared off the face of the earth, which was impossible.
In the end, it was Severus who suggested paying a call on Regulus to see if perhaps he had heard from Gaius; Regulus had promised to be in touch if he heard anything, but Severus was impatient, his concern making him even more irritable than usual, and he hoped perhaps Regulus might be able to help them figure out where to look as well. Serenus had insisted on going with him, and so it was that they both ended up on Regulus' hearth rug after fire-calling him to make certain he was home.
Regulus greeted them both warmly and gestured to the plush sofa and chairs. "Please, come in and have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?"
"No, thank you," Severus replied tersely as he moved toward the sofa.
"I don't care for anything either, thanks." Serenus noticed a small black cat curled up asleep in one of the chairs, and rather than disturb its nap, he took a seat beside Severus on the sofa. Cymbeline had told him about her friend's new pet, and while he was surprised to learn Regulus had adopted a cat, he was pleased too; no doubt the companionship would benefit Regulus, especially in the wake of losing his brother.
"I don't suppose I need to ask why you're both calling on me," Regulus said, taking a seat in the chair unoccupied by Anubis. "I take it you still haven't heard from Gaius?"
"No, and worse, his suitcase was found in Monkshood Cottage," Severus said grimly. "Wherever he went, he didn't take his clothes with him."
Regulus sat up straight, his face growing pale, and he clutched the arms of his chair. "You don't think someone kidnapped him, do you? Bellatrix..."
"There wasn't any sign of a struggle," Serenus said reassuringly. "Tybalt did a thorough search of the house, and he couldn't detect any breach of the wards or any indication someone other than one of the family had been in there. Everything seems to point to Gaius leaving of his own accord. We just don't know where."
The sound of voices made Anubis' ears twitch, and he stirred restlessly in his sleep, the familiarity of the tones rousing something within him. Whoever was talking was worried, and there was a certain air of tension that reached him, pulling him back toward consciousness. He wasn't best pleased at having his nap disturbed, and he stretched, unsheathing his claws as he arched his back and yawned widely, small fangs gleaming. Then he blinked his eyes open, and to his shock, he found Severus and Serenus sitting on Regulus' sofa, with Regulus in a chair facing them and looking almost panicked.
A hiss of surprise escaped him, and he was torn between running away as fast as his legs could carry him and rushing to Regulus to comfort him. In the end, comforting won out, and he sprang from the chair, made a single, light-pawed touch on the floor, then bounded into Regulus' lap, purring hard and clenching his eyes shut. Maybe Severus and Serenus wouldn't recognize him. In all the time he'd been a cat, he'd lost track of how he'd ended up that way, but he knew he wanted to remain as Regulus' pet. To be a man again would be painful; it was much better this way, and he knew Regulus wouldn't let Severus and Serenus take him away.
Regulus gathered Anubis in his arms and held him against his chest, stroking him gently. He wondered if perhaps Anubis had sensed his distress and had come to offer comfort; it wouldn't be the first time Anubis had comforted him, and he was grateful for the little cat's sensitivity and companionship.
"It's all right," he murmured, scratching Anubis' delicate little ears. "We're worried about someone, but we'll find him."
"Assuming we can figure out where to look," Severus grumbled, folding his arms across his chest. If the situation hadn't been so serious, he would have been amused by the sight of Regulus coddling and cooing over a cat, but as it was, he could spare little attention for the animal, too focused on the problem at hand. "I don't suppose he might have gone to Cairo? He always talked about what a wonderful time he had with you there."
"He might have," Regulus said, frowning pensively. "I can give you the names of some people and places. For that matter, I could take you there myself."
Meanwhile, Serenus stared at the cat in Regulus' arms. For a moment, he thought he'd seen a flash of blue eyes, but it was so quick, and now the cat had its eyes tightly shut, so he couldn't get a good look. The size was right, however... but then, it had been quite some time since he'd seen Gaius in cat form, and he couldn't be entirely sure... and surely Gaius hadn't run away to become Regulus' housecat! That seemed unlikely in the extreme.
And yet, stranger things had happened.
Anubis understood what they were all saying, and it seeped into his not-completely-feline brain that his brothers were worried about him. An unaccustomed feeling of guilt crept in, but he tried to ignore it. Regulus was petting him, and that was all that mattered, wasn't it? Regulus was there for him, and he was there for Regulus, and it was easy this way. Couldn't Severus and Serenus see that? He loved them, he did, but he knew they weren't about to let him stay this way, to allow him the freedom Regulus had given him to just be.
His purr faded, and he burrowed his head under Regulus' arm, pretending to go back to sleep. Maybe they'd go away and things could go back to the way they had been. He'd have to figure out a way to make them not worry, of course... he should have thought of that before, but cat-thoughts weren't nearly so clear as human ones.
"Severus..." Serenus said slowly, still watching the cat, which appeared to have gone back to sleep. "Does that cat look... familiar to you?"
"Eh?" Severus frowned at him, then looked at the cat. "What do you mean, familiar? It's just a cat." He paused, and suddenly, the pieces fell into place; he wasn't as familiar with Gaius' Animagus form as Serenus was, but if Serenus suspected something, Severus wasn't going to dismiss it. "You don't think..."
"I'm not sure. Regulus, what color are your cat's eyes?" Serenus asked, leaning forward and gazing at Regulus intently. "When exactly did you get him?"
"They're blue," Regulus replied, frowning in puzzlement at them both. "I found him... I don't know. It's been a few weeks now. He was wandering around Hogsmeade."
"Blue eyes," Serenus said, turning to look at Severus.
"Hogsmeade," Severus replied, returning the knowing look, and then they both looked at Regulus again.
"It's Gaius," they said in unison.
"What?" Regulus tightened his arms around Anubis instinctively and shook his head. "No, that's impossible. I've taken him to the vet, and she said he was a normal, healthy cat."
Anubis began to tremble in Regulus' arms. He was found out, discovered, and now everything was going to be ruined. Worse than his own pain, he knew they were going to be angry with him, all of them, and he mewed piteously, hoping that Regulus would be able to convince them he was better off this way.
"Animagi are indistinguishable from normal animals," Severus said. "A vet wouldn't be able to tell the difference."
Anubis' pitiful mews wrenched at Regulus' heart, and he cuddled Anubis close, trying to reassure him. "How can you be so sure this is Gaius?" he asked, glancing back and forth between them. "If it was, wouldn't he have changed back by now?"
"Perhaps not," Serenus said, rising to his feet and approaching Regulus' chair. He reached out and caressed the little cat's head gently; on closer inspection, the similarities between this cat and Gaius' cat form were even more pronounced, and he grew more certain that they were right. "Not if he was trying to escape his grief." His mouth quirked in a brief smile. "Or to escape a scolding from Severus." He bent over, still stroking the cat's head and ears. "Come on, Gaius," he coaxed softly. "Just let us know it's you, all right? We've all been terribly worried, and we only want to know you're safe."
Serenus' concern tore at Anubis' heart, at the very human part of him that loved his brothers and didn't want to distress them. Yet he didn't want to hurt Regulus, either. He loved Regulus dearly, on many different levels he wasn't able to parse at the moment, and the thought of hurting him was just as painful. He didn't know what to do, and he opened his eyes at last to look at Serenus in misery. He was trapped; even though he'd not meant to hurt anyone, he seemed to have hurt everyone he cared about.
"Oh, yes, I know those eyes," Serenus said softly.
"We could just change him back ourselves," Severus pointed out, rising to his feet as well. "There's a spell for it."
"No," Serenus said firmly as he straightened, giving Severus a stern look. "He's been through enough."
"How can you be so sure anyway?" Regulus demanded, clinging to Anubis tightly. "I'm sure there are lots of cats with blue eyes. It doesn't prove anything." He wasn't sure which was worse: the thought of giving up his beloved companion or the thought that his companion - to whom he had spilled his innermost secrets - was not a real cat at all, but a human, and a human who knew him to boot. A sick knot formed in his stomach, and he wished desperately for some way to prove that Anubis was nothing more than a normal cat.
"Just let me talk to him, all right?" Serenus asked, holding out his hands. "If it isn't him, then you'll both get to laugh at me for trying to sweet-talk a cat for years to come."
Regulus looked at him dubiously for a moment, then handed over Anubis with reluctance, but Serenus was gentle, cradling Anubis against his chest just as Regulus had done.
"Right, let's have a little chat, shall we?" he said, absently rocking back and forth as if he were soothing one of the twins. "Gaius, if it really is you, I know you can understand me, so I'm not going to mince words. You've been gone for weeks without a word, and we're all worried. Not just me and Severus, but everyone, including the children. They miss their Uncle Kitty terribly. I know you needed a respite from the pain, and if you still need to go away somewhere to heal, that's fine, but we want to know you're all right now - that you haven't been kidnapped or hurt. We love you, and we miss you." He paused, and then he added, "And I promise I won't let Severus shout at you."
"Hmph!" Severus sniffed indignantly at that, but he didn't protest.
Serenus flashed a smile at Severus before dropping a brief kiss between the cat's little ears and lowering him to the floor. "All right, it's your choice," he said, stepping back and waiting to see what the cat would do.
Regulus' breath caught in his throat, and he clasped his hands together tightly as he too waited and watched, hoping Serenus would be proven wrong.
Looking up at the three faces peering down at him, Anubis... Gaius... wanted nothing more than to just disappear or to have the earth open up and swallow him. He'd understood the appeal in Serenus' words, and part of him knew that his eldest brother meant everything he said. He loved Serenus and Severus and the children, and he missed them, too; he'd forgotten, losing track of time in his safe, pleasant place as Regulus' cherished pet.
His gazed moved to Regulus, and he wanted to cry, seeing the hope written in Regulus' face. What he'd done... it was wrong. He hadn't thought he was hurting anyone, but he was, after all, and it was someone completely and totally innocent, someone who'd cared for him both as a man and a cat. He didn't know how things had gotten so messed up; he'd certainly not meant for that to happen, but he'd not been thinking like a man, only like a cat. Only he wasn't just a cat, he was a man, too, with a man's responsibilities, and it was well past time he faced up to them, before he made things worse. He'd not lied to Regulus before, not exactly, but to remain a cat would definitely be a lie now, and he thought too much of Regulus to do that to him.
Although becoming a man again was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever done.
Anubis' blue eyes closed, and he hung his head, the very picture of defeat. Then silently, his form shifted, growing taller, and in a moment, Gaius stood in Anubis' place, barefoot, dressed in the dark trousers and pullover he'd donned the morning he was going to leave for Germany.
Turning to face Regulus, Gaius looked at him with eyes full of abject apology. "I'm sorry, Regulus... I didn't realize what I was doing when I became a cat. I was trying to escape the pain, and... well, and you were there, and you were safe, and I wanted nothing more than to be Anubis, to live as your cat. I wanted to comfort you, just as you comforted me. I... I don't think as clearly when I'm a cat, and it was easy to give over to the simple desire just to be with you, where I could live without pain and bring you whatever joy I could. I'm so sorry... I hope you can forgive me and believe that I never, ever intended to hurt you. I'd rather rip out my heart right now than have hurt you... any of you."
He buried his face in his hands, his pain at what he had done overwhelming even the lingering grief over Sirius' death.
Awash in relief, Serenus wound his arms around Gaius, enfolding him in a warm embrace and stroking his back gently as he spoke; Severus approached as well, sliding one arm around Gaius' waist. He had Things To Say, but even he knew it wasn't the time to say them, not when Gaius was upset and had issues to settle with Regulus first.
Regulus stared at Gaius in shock for a moment, scarcely believing it was true. Anubis had been Gaius the whole time. His companion was gone, and he had bared his soul to an illusion. But he couldn't bring himself to be angry; he knew how much Gaius had been hurting in the aftermath of Sirius' death, and their meeting in Hogsmeade had been purely coincidental; Gaius hadn't set out to deceive him deliberately, and he knew Gaius well enough to know Gaius wouldn't have hurt him - or anyone else, for that matter - on purpose.
"It's all right," he said quietly, still clutching the arms of his chair tightly as if that was somehow grounding him. "I know you didn't intend to hurt anyone, and if being here helped you, so much the better. I know how much you were grieving, and as far as I'm concerned, there isn't anything to forgive."
Serenus' and Severus' arms around him were comforting, but Gaius still ached for the harm he'd done to all of them, but most especially to Regulus. He looked at Regulus, agony in his eyes, able to sense that for all that Regulus wasn't blaming him, Regulus was indeed feeling the backlash of Gaius' actions.
"You did help me, but I was too selfish to realize the price it would cost you in return. Oh, Regulus... I..." There were words on the tip of his tongue, but he realized to speak them now, no matter the sudden, unexpected truth of them, was wrong. "Thank you for forgiving me, but I won't forgive myself until I've made this up to you. You're my friend... I hope you won't shut me out. I have to make this right, because I can't bear to have you hurt, not after all you've suffered."
"Shutting you out now would be rather like closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped, considering all you've heard," Regulus said with forced lightness in his voice. "You needn't worry about making anything up to me. As your friend, I'm glad I could help you, and I can always get another cat if I want one."
It wouldn't be the same, he knew. Anubis had been special, and he doubted he would ever find another companion like Anubis. It was foolish, perhaps, but he felt the loss keenly, as if Anubis had died, and he had to remind himself that Anubis hadn't even been real. Swallowing hard past the lump in his throat, he rose to his feet at last.
"At any rate, I imagine you have a lot to discuss with your brothers," he added.
Gaius flinched at the reminder of the things Regulus had confided in him as Anubis, but he knew it wasn't going to make any difference at this point to protest that his secrets were as safe with the man as the cat. The fact was that Gaius had been a voyeur to confidences between Regulus and the animal he cherished as a pet, and Gaius suddenly wished he had lied, that he'd stayed in feline form rather than bring this down on Regulus. He could have become human later, sent a note to Severus and Serenus to let them know he was all right, and then they could have all gone about their lives without worrying about him, and he could have continued to be exactly what Regulus needed him to be. Instead he'd mucked up everything by trying to do what was right, however belated, and now Regulus was basically tossing him out of the house. Rightfully so, but it made Gaius want to break down and cry.
"I think I owe everyone more than I will ever be able to repay for the pain I've caused," Gaius said, hanging his head. As his chin lowered, he felt the collar around his neck, and he swallowed painfully. The lapis had expanded when he returned to human form, thanks to the charm Regulus had put on it, but he had no right to keep it. He never had.
Reaching up, he unfastened the necklace with trembling fingers. He wanted to give it back to Regulus, but he was scared that if he got that close, he'd break down entirely. There were simply no words for the depth of remorse he felt for his actions, and he prayed there was some way that he could make it up to Regulus. Turning in the circle of Serenus' arms, he put the necklace down on the cushion Anubis had favored, feeling the prickle of tears begin.
"Goodbye, Regulus," he whispered.
Serenus had watched the two of them somberly, feeling sympathy for both Gaius and Regulus; he knew Gaius had never meant to hurt anyone - it simply wasn't in Gaius' nature - but it was clear Regulus had been attached to his cat and was feeling the loss.
"I'm sorry too," he said, giving Regulus a sympathetic look. "I wish regaining our brother hadn't cost you a pet, but..."
"But understandably, having your brother back is more important." Regulus mustered a smile and waved. "It's all right."
Severus listened in silence, taking in the nuances of the conversation; obviously, Regulus had revealed things to "Anubis" that were confidential, which was rather interesting, and Severus wondered how that was going to affect Gaius' friendship with Regulus, who was, he knew, almost as closed and careful as he was himself. He wasn't as good with people and emotions as Serenus was, but he knew a muddle when he saw it, and he tightened his arm around Gaius.
"Come on, then. We'll all come back for a chat later, when things settle down a bit," he said. "Good-bye, Regulus."
Regulus nodded an acknowledgment. "Good-bye, Severus. Serenus..." He tried to muster a reassuring smile, seeing how hard Gaius was taking it. "Good-bye, Gaius."
Gaius swallowed against the lump in his throat, and whispered a good-bye. He wish he could make Severus, or better yet, Serenus, stay to make sure Regulus was all right, but there was nothing he could do. The smile Regulus gave him tore at his heart, and if he could have wished himself dead at that moment, he would have gladly done it if it would have made things better. As it was, he could do nothing except let his brothers usher him to the Floo, and in a flash of green, he stepped from Regulus' flat and into the familiar surroundings of Azoth House, standing still and looking about him, numb with shock. He had absolutely no idea what to do now.
As soon as they were safely at Azoth House, Serenus wrapped Gaius up in his arms and pressed kisses all over Gaius' face. "Thank God you're all right," he murmured, hugging Gaius tight. "When we found your suitcase at the cottage, we were worried. We thought perhaps Bellatrix had got at you somehow, and when the letters all came back..." He squeezed Gaius again, relieved and grateful to have Gaius home safely. "Well, the mystery is solved now."
Severus moved closer and stroked Gaius' hair gently. "You should have let us know you were going walk-about on four legs," he said reproachfully. Serenus had said he couldn't shout, but not that he couldn't scold just a little.
Gaius closed his eyes under Serenus' onslaught; he was glad on one hand that Serenus was so relieved, but it only served to underscore just how badly he'd behaved. Severus' tone was actually a relief; he deserved to be yelled at, not to be welcomed back with open arms.
"I didn't know... I didn't intend to," he said. "I just... didn't want to hurt, and it hurt less as a cat. After a time, I just... didn't change back." He swallowed again, drawing in a shuddering breath. "I wasn't thinking as a man, only as a cat, and then Regulus was there, saving me from this dog, and... I just knew I wanted to be with him. Regulus was safe and undemanding, and... and I was wrong. I hated Sirius, you know, for doing what he did and not thinking about how it would affect me, and now... I did the same thing to all of you, but most horribly to Regulus. You both have your families; you'd have gotten on without me, but Regulus... he had only Anubis, and now because of me, because of my thoughtlessness, that's gone. He can't hate me any more than I hate myself."
"Regulus is a Black and a Slytherin," Severus said, moving his hand down to caress Gaius' back soothingly. "He is doubly a survivor, and he has been through worse things than losing a pet. I don't think you have any need to flagellate yourself over what happened, especially since he doesn't seem to blame you for it."
"Severus is right," Serenus said, giving Gaius another squeeze. "No one is upset with you for doing what you needed to do in order to cope with the pain and grief. But you're wrong about one thing," he added sternly. "We wouldn't have gotten on without you. You're our brother, and we couldn't bear losing you. Our family wouldn't be the same without you here."
It was on the tip of Gaius' tongue to protest that they couldn't possibly understand the relationship between Anubis and Regulus, and that "pet" no more described the relationship between them than it did the relationship between Severus and Remus' wolf form. But he couldn't say that without betraying too much of Regulus' confidences, and so he bit back his protest. Whether Regulus blamed him or not, he blamed himself, and Gaius, who had never intentionally hurt another person that he could remember, was determined to make things right for Regulus, no matter what it cost him. Why was it, that if no one was upset with him, he felt worse than he ever had in his life? He may not have disappointed them, but he had certainly disappointed himself.
"I'm sorry," he said again, feeling miserable for what he'd put them through. "I would never hurt any of you, either. I promise to make it up to you. Thank you for being concerned about me; it's more than I deserve."
"Nonsense!" Severus barked, giving Gaius a swat on the arse. "You're our brother. Of course we're going to be concerned about you, especially now when you look like utter hell. I hope this new-found gloom isn't because of Black, but if it's because you think you have somehow done irreparable harm to us and to Regulus, you can stop wallowing right now. You made a mistake. We all have."
"I think what Severus means," Serenus interjected, "is that you're taking too much blame for something that just happened. It wasn't malicious or premeditated, so you needn't heap coals on your head. But if it would make you feel better, perhaps you could talk to Regulus in a day or two when you're both a little less raw."
Gaius suspected it would be far more than a day or two before he would feel less raw, and he could only guess at how Regulus must be feeling. But he didn't understand why they seemed to think he shouldn't be taking blame for it; whether he intended it or not didn't change the fact that he'd hurt them, and it certainly didn't make him feel any less remorse.
Lifting a hand, he rubbed his forehead. "Sorry... I'm sure I'm not thinking straight. I've never stayed in feline form for more than a day, and I think it... gets to you. But I don't think I'm wallowing, because believe me, I don't feel any pity for myself in this. I have always believed people should take responsibility when they harm someone else, intentional or not, and... it's just difficult to admit I'm the person I'd always tried never to be." He looked at them soberly. "I wish that you would yell at me, castigate me as you would one of the children if they'd messed up. The fact that my lover killed himself and I was grieving doesn't absolve me of responsibility for my own actions, or at least it doesn't in my book. I do love both of you dearly, but at the moment, I hate myself more than you can possibly know."
Serenus opened his mouth, but Severus cut him off with a wave.
"You want me to tell you what I would tell one of the children?" he said, releasing Gaius and drawing himself up to his full height. "Very well. I'm disappointed in you, Gaius. You let your emotions get the better of you, and you lost control of yourself. You were selfish, and you were wallowing, and as a result, you worried and upset your entire family, and you hurt someone who is supposed to be your friend. You're a better man than that, and I expected better of you. At your age, you should have more self control, and I expect you to exercise it from now on." He lifted his chin and peered down his nose at Gaius. "I also expect you to clean up the mess you've made with Regulus, and don't look to me for help in doing it. You are on your own."
Gaius held Severus' eyes during this speech, and when it was over, he felt an overwhelming sense of relief. He nodded. "You're right, Severus, exactly right, about all of it. And I will fix it, all of it." Then he turned, wrapped his arms around Serenus, and finally let the tears he'd bottled up for so long overflow.
Serenus wrapped Gaius up in a warm, tight embrace and held him, rocking him gently while the tears flowed; he rubbed Gaius' back and murmured soothing nonsense in his ear, relieved that it seemed the dam had burst at last. Perhaps now, Gaius could stop running and start healing.