Days go by I'm hypnotized
Characters: Serenus, Severus, Gaius Summary: Gaius asks for understanding, and his brothers give it.
Gaius entered the parlor, a tea tray in his hands, and crossed to set it on the low sofa table in front of Severus and Serenus. His eldest brother had protested him being the one making the refreshments for Severus' visit, but Gaius had insisted, needing the activity to keep himself occupied. In the time since Sirius' death, he found he couldn't stand to simply sit idle, or else his thoughts tended to turn bleak or angry, and he was too worn out to deal with it any longer. Thus he kept himself busy at all times, playing with the children, helping Serenus around the house or in the garden, doing chores by hand, or sometimes simply running about Hogsmeade, hoping to wear out his body so that he could collapse in exhaustion, curling up in a corner of his room as Schatten to sleep for a few hours before it would all begin again.
It was a situation he knew couldn't continue forever, but at the moment, it was the best he could manage. Yet he knew he wasn't escaping from his feelings, merely avoiding them, and it was time to make some hard decisions. Harder than any he'd ever expected to make, which was why he had invited Severus over, so that he could talk to the two people whose opinions mattered the most to him in the world.
"There we are, tea and biscuits," he said, giving a half smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, which seemed sunken into his face, surrounded by dark circles that were out of character for the normally suave Gaius. His hair was also unkempt, as though he had been running his hands through it. Sitting down in a chair across from the twins, he drew in a breath. "Thanks for coming, Severus... I... I need to talk to both of you."
Serenus watched Gaius with concern; it seemed as if Gaius had been driving himself hard to outrun his feelings, and it was taking its toll. He couldn't remember ever seeing Gaius anything less than immaculately and fastidiously put together, and the mere fact that Gaius appeared unkempt spoke volumes.
"We're here for you," he said, offering a reassuring smile. "Both of us. Whatever you need to talk about, we'll listen."
Severus was frowning slightly, concerned as well by Gaius' appearance, but he gave a brusque nod of agreement with Serenus. "Go on - spit it out," he said, wanting to get to the point so they could solve whatever problem Gaius needed to present. He had no doubt the three of them would be able to fix whatever-it-was, even if it meant he had to resort to letting them cuddle with him.
"Thank you." Gaius looked down at his hands, which were clenched in his lap, and forced himself to relax. Severus and Serenus wanted to help, and he hoped that they would understand. He sighed. "I... well, I'm not doing so well, as I'm sure you can see. Perhaps I've been sheltered, but I've never had to deal with pain like this before. When my mother died, I knew she was ill, had known for a long time, and it was... well, something of a relief for her, to escape her suffering. But Sirius... I had no warning, no clue as to what he was planning. Every time I think about it, I feel like I somehow failed him. Or else I feel like he failed me. Either way..." he shrugged, then shook his head, his eyes haunted. "I've never been in love before, but sometimes now... I hate him. I can't bear feeling this way."
"Love and hate are two sides of the same coin," Serenus said somberly. "Believe me, I understand how you feel, and you aren't strange or unnatural for feeling that way. You're going to see-saw for a while, but it does get better."
"He would know," Severus said matter-of-factly. He clapped his hands on his knees and peered across the low table at Gaius searchingly. "It is obvious you aren't doing well. What do you need from us to help? If you want to rant about hating Black, I'm prepared to listen as long as you need," he added, hoping to inject a lighter note and perhaps amuse Gaius, if only a little.
A ghost of a smile curved Gaius' lips at Severus' joke, but then it faded away into pensiveness. "I know Serenus understands, and I know you've suffered greatly as well during your life, Severus," he said. "I suppose what I think I need right now is your understanding, though." Gaius swallowed hard, not wanting them to be angry at him for what he felt he had to do. "I need to get away for a while. Away from England, from the memories. I've not been able to go back to Haven's Loft since... but everything here is a reminder, too. I was thinking of going back to Germany for a while, to visit my mother's grave, and see the people who helped her raise me. To touch my roots, I suppose. To find me again, inside of all the pain."
"I think that's a very good idea." Serenus rose and crossed the distance between them so he could kneel by Gaius' chair, and he clasped Gaius' hands, squeezing gently. "Sometimes getting away from places that harbor too much pain and too many memories can be the first step toward true healing, especially if you go somewhere you feel safe and comfortable. I went home, too, and it helped a great deal."
"Although he was running away," Severus interjected with a reproachful look at Serenus. "I've no objection to you leaving as long as you promise you will come back."
Gaius' throat tightened; they did understand, and he was more grateful and relieved than he could say. He clung to Serenus' hands, leaning over so that he could place his forehead against Serenus'. "Thank you. I was so afraid you'd be angry with me or think me a coward." He lifted his head again so that he could look at Severus, another small smile on his lips. "I am running away as well, at least to an extent. But I promise I will come back. My life is here, and my family is here. I could never leave you for long. But I need it, at least for a little while."
"We aren't angry," Severus said as he too rose to his feet and moved to stand beside Gaius' chair, resting his hand on Gaius' shoulder. "And we do not think you are a coward for going home to recuperate."
"We want you to heal." Serenus smiled and squeezed Gaius' hands again. "We'll do anything to help you feel better, even if it means letting you go for a little while." He gave Gaius a mock-stern look. "Just remember: if you stay away too long, we'll come looking for you!" He glanced at Severus, a mischievous light in his eyes. "And Severus might throw rocks at you."
"Well, it got your attention, didn't it?" Severus retorted tartly.
Gaius laughed a little shakily; the support of his brothers was more than he could have dreamed, and he moved one hand, laying it atop Severus' and squeezing. "Thank you," he said again, wishing he could find better words to express his gratitude. "You don't know how much your support means to me. I came here to find the two of you, and it's been more wonderful than I ever imagined. I couldn't bear to lose your love and support because of my own weakness. I just need a little time - a couple of weeks, perhaps a month - to figure out how I'm going to go on now. I suppose I always knew Sirius and I weren't a forever thing, not the way you two are with Remus and Tybalt, but I never expected anything to end like... this. I never expected to doubt myself so much or to hurt quite this badly."
"I know," Serenus said softly, his expression somber. "I felt the same way after I was jilted, and I hope this doesn't damage your self-confidence to the same extent. Try not to let it, please? If nothing else, take hope from what happened to me. Ian and I weren't a forever thing, but Tybalt and I are. Perhaps your perfect match will turn up when you least expect him, just like Tybalt did for me."
Severus twined his fingers with Gaius' and squeezed lightly. "And remember you are a Snape. You are handsome and desirable, and you are strong enough not to let this loss grind you down. Take all the time you need to rest and heal, but remember who you are and be proud."
"I can't think of anyone else right now, though." Gaius understood what Serenus meant, but it was just too soon for him to think about ever loving anyone the way he'd loved Sirius, ever opening himself up to that kind of vulnerability again. But he appreciated what they were trying to do to bolster his confidence, and he turned his head, lifting Severus' hand a pressing a kiss to it, before leaning over to kiss Serenus on the cheek. "But I do know that I have the best brothers any man could ever hope for. I know that none of our births were exactly happy for our mothers, and that we took a long time to find each other, but none of that matters, does it? I feel like we were meant to be together, and if fate has decided that I don't have the same forever love as the two of you have found, I think I can be perfectly content with having the love of my brothers and their wonderful families."
Severus and Serenus exchanged knowing looks, both of them recognizing Gaius' sentiments as echoing Serenus' before Tybalt came along. Severus raised a questioning eyebrow, but Serenus gave the barest shake of his head, and they reached a silent agreement to drop the subject for now. Gaius' wounds were still raw, and it would take time for him to reach the point of even being able to think about moving on. The important thing right now was helping him past the worst of his grief; the future would take care of itself.
"Yes, you'll always have us," Serenus assured him. "Uncle Gaius is always welcome."
"Indeed. No matter what you decide, you will always have family to return to," Severus agreed.
Gaius sighed, relief allowing him to relax for the first time in days. He would go back to Germany and hopefully somewhere along the way, he'd find himself again, find the strength he needed to go on. Then he would come back; things wouldn't be as they had been before, for something inside of him had died with Sirius, but Severus was right: he was a Snape, and somehow, some way, he'd find the strength to come back.