Severus Snape (ensnared_senses) wrote in snark_n_bark, @ 2008-06-16 20:07:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | complete, remus, severus |
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal...
Characters: Remus, Severus
Summary: Remus is grieving; Severus tries to help.
Remus Lupin sat in the parlor of Snape Manor, staring at the cold, empty fireplace and trying hard to feel nothing. He had found himself in the same situation frequently over the last several days, the melancholy sneaking up on him at odd moments and emptying him like water draining down a hole. It wasn't too hard when he was with the children or Severus; he was able to shake off the feeling and pull himself back by force away from his inner darkness, toward the light. Now, however, he was alone, and it was only by sheer force of will that he held himself in check, dealing with the sadness that threatened to overwhelm him by trying to make himself feel nothing at all.
Lifting a trembling hand, Remus pushed his hair back from his face, drawing in a deep breath and closing his eyes. He should get up, he knew, and walk away until he found Severus, or the children, or even Lurch. Someone, anyone to give him a focus so that he didn't have to fight this battle. After several days of suppressing his emotions, however, it had finally grown to be too much, and so he sat, shoulders slumped, head bowed in defeat as his throat closed and his eyes burned with unshed tears.
Severus had been keeping a close eye on Remus since the news of Black's death. Covertly, of course. He didn't want to appear hovery, but at the same time, he wanted to make certain Remus was as well as could be expected under the circumstances. It had seemed to him, though, that Remus had been seeking constant distraction rather than dealing with what had happened, and while Severus was not the most adept man when it came to dealing with emotional issues, he knew that wasn't healthy.
He wasn't certain what to do, and so he thought about what Remus himself might do were their situations reversed. Cuddling, he thought decisively. But that wouldn't be enough. Remus likely needed to talk, just as Severus sometimes needed to shout and throw things when he was upset, and that meant Severus needed to listen as non-judgmentally as possible. It would be difficult, considering how he had felt about Black, but he didn't think it was impossible.
Thus he fixed a cup of tea laced with alcohol and went in search of Remus, finding him at last in the parlor. He approached slowly, studying Remus carefully as he did, and he sank down onto the sofa beside Remus and held out the cup of tea.
"I brought you some tea," he said quietly. "It's spiked. I thought it might help."
Remus started at the sound of Severus' voice, his eyes flying wide. He sniffled slightly, embarrassed at being caught out this way, then wiped at his damp cheeks before giving Severus a somewhat watery smile. "Oh, thank you, Severus," he replied, his voice husky as he reached out to take the cup. Rather than drinking it, he held it in his hands, staring down into the cup. "Is it that obvious, then?"
"To the one who knows you best, yes," Severus replied with matter-of-fact candor. "You've done well in front of the children, but your masks have not fooled me for years." He smoothed his hand along the back of Remus' head and combed his fingers gently through Remus' hair. "If you need to talk, I will listen. Under the circumstances, I believe I can put my own biases aside. Your needs are more important than old grudges."
Remus leaned into the soothing touch of his mate's hand, the generosity of Severus' offer making his eyes mist over again. He placed the cup of tea down on the sofa table, then turned and laid his head on Severus' shoulder, drawing his bare feet up onto the sofa and cuddling close against Severus' side.
"That is kind of you," he murmured, giving a heartfelt sigh. "I think... well. If you really don't mind, I think it would help. It's odd, but you and I are the only ones I know about left from our year, and Regulus is about the only one left of his. I've thought about it before, of course, but... it just hit me again, hard. It's not just about Sirius being gone again - although that's the biggest part of it - but... all the waste. Our whole generation has been decimated over the course of two wars, and it just doesn't ever seem to end!"
Wrapping both arms around Remus, Severus held him close and pressed a brief kiss to the top of Remus' head. "I know. The Dark Lord is gone, but still, we are dealing with the aftermath of his evil, most notably in the form of Bellatrix. His lust for power has indeed wreaked havoc on an entire generation, but we are moving past it. Slowly, yes, but surely. It may be difficult to do at the moment, but perhaps it is best if we look forward rather than back. After all, we have made certain the next generation will be well-populated with Lupin-Snapes."
The warmth of Severus' body was a comfort, but even cuddling wasn't enough to completely ease the sorrow and guilt from Remus' mind. "Yes, we have done that," he admitted, giving a weak chuckle before sighing again. "I just can't help but wonder if all this is partially my fault, though. If I'd been there for Sirius more... talked to him, reassured him... maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to go. I feel like I've failed him three times now. I didn't trust him back when Peter betrayed us, then I couldn't save him from going through the Veil twice." His voice ended on a choked sound that might have been a sob.
"Neither could Potter, Regulus, Gaius, Faelan, or anyone else," Severus pointed out, rubbing Remus' back soothingly. "He had people who were there for him, and they couldn't stop him from making the same kind of rash, stupid decision he has always made. Come now - name one time that you or anyone else was ever able to talk him out of one of his ridiculous, fool-hardy stunts. Besides, the bottom line is, he was right. He had been living on borrowed time since his return, and if he hadn't gone, we would still be experiencing the magical drain." He paused, realizing he was drifting into 'too blunt' territory, and he tried to soften his words and tone once more. "You didn't fail him. He made his decision, and it seems obvious from what I have heard that no one could have swayed him even if he had given anyone the chance to try."
Part of Remus understood what Severus was saying, but another part was too overcome with guilt. "But I didn't even realize what was going on, and I should have!" he said miserably. "Sirius was my best friend, and even if I couldn't have stopped him, I should have talked to him. I just..." Remus closed his eyes, holding Severus even more tightly, as though seeking the security of knowing Severus, at least, would never leave him. "I never made time for him. I feel like I let him slip away even before this. Because I felt like... like I'd outgrown him in some ways, I guess. It's stupid! I should have been a better friend!"
Severus listened and thought over what Remus had said before responding, and he chose his words with care. "You have a large family and a job that takes a great deal of time and mental effort," he said at last. "If you feel guilty for what you did not do with him, then perhaps you could make time for those who are still here. Potter, for example." He managed to spit out the words without grimacing or gritting his teeth, which was little short of a miracle. "I think, too," he added slowly, "you might consider whether you really feel guilty over not being a better friend or over outgrowing one of the few remaining touchstones of your past."
Remus thought that over, the sadness he felt like a heavy weight on his shoulders. "Maybe a bit of both, I suppose," he admitted, giving a grimace of self-disgust. "And I know I have a lot in my life now, but... I do need to make time for the people that matter. You make time for Serenus and Gaius, and you have as much on your plate as I do. Harry... I really do need to spend more time with him, especially now. I guess I just always thought there would be time, someday. But it looks like there's no guarantee that someday will ever come."
Severus tightened his arms around Remus, giving him a little squeeze. "Serenus said his first thought when he read the letter he received from Black was that there is never enough time, even if we live to be one hundred and fifty years old. Another way of saying there is no guarantee that someday will come, I think. You should do whatever you must in order to avoid feeling this way over another loss."
"My ever practical mate." Remus turned his head, pressing an affectionate kiss to the side of Severus' neck. He didn't feel better, really, but he felt a little less bad, especially since he knew that Severus had no more liking for Harry than he did for Sirius. "Thank you; I can honestly say that you are one of the few things in my life I know I can count on completely. I think I do need to try to make sure Harry knows I'm here for him. He's lost so much more than I have, and I know this has to been even harder on him than it is on me. Gaius, too..."
"Serenus and I are looking after Gaius," Severus replied, tilting his head to accommodate the kiss. "But hedonist that he is, I doubt he would refuse the offer of more cuddling and attention. You are on your own with Potter, however," he added tartly.
"I suspect if you offered to cuddle Harry, you'd cause him to expire of shock." Moving one hand, Remus slid it along Severus' arm until he could lace their fingers together. "Sirius did give us back our magic... I just wish the price hadn't been such a heavy one. He had so little time to be, you know? I don't know that he ever really had the opportunity to grow up in the man he should have been. There were always too many things against him - his family, his circumstances in the war, then dying... I know we're the product of our experiences, but it just seems so unfair that he had so few good ones in his life. I guess when we were younger, I always pictured him as the one with the forever love and the house full of children who adored him, not me." The tears began to fall again. "He never got to know the happiness I've known, and it makes me sadder than I ever would have believed."
Severus squeezed Remus' hand tightly, uncertain how to respond to that; considering how long he had been alone and how dangerous his own position had been during the war, there was rather a lot of "there but for the grace of God go I" in his thoughts. Had he not survived the war, had he not finally admitted to himself how he felt about Remus, had Remus not pursued him... He didn't care to think about what his life would have been like, had things gone differently for him. He had never imagined himself loving or being loved so fervently, much less having children, but he wouldn't trade this life for anything.
"He was happy with Gaius, I think," Severus said at last, unable to believe he was saying these things about Black, but he couldn't bear the sight of Remus' tears, and he wanted to offer comfort if he could; he just wished Serenus - or anyone who was good at this sort of thing - was there to help him along. "It didn't seem he wanted more than that, so perhaps he didn't know what he was missing, which is better than if he had wanted it and never got it." He paused, considering. "Although, he did have a home and a family. He had a house, he finally asked Gaius to move in, and Potter and Faelan lived with him like adopted sons, so in a sense, he did have the same kind of happiness you have. Having it a short time is better than not at all."
Remus considered that, then nodded, taking a deep breath as he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his eyes. "I suppose you're right," he said, laying his head against Severus' shoulder again. "I guess it's just going to take some time to really wrap my mind around it. I just know I'm going to miss him."
Severus opened his mouth and then shut it again, wisely saying nothing rather than risk saying something too caustic. Instead, he hooked his fingers beneath Remus' chin and drew him into a light but lingering kiss. "Your family is here to help in whatever way we can," he said. He stroked Remus' cheek gently and raised a questioning eyebrow. "The children are occupied. Would you like to go upstairs for a while? I could give you a massage, or we could simply cuddle. Whatever you want or need."
The caress of Severus' hand helped soothe him, and the kiss was like an affirmation of life in the midst of his sadness. Remus smiled wanly. "Yes, I'd like that. Part of me wants to just cling to you and never let you go. That would make doing anything else a little difficult, though, so I'll just content myself with what time we can reasonably steal."
Disentangling himself with reluctance, Remus stood and offered Severus a hand. "Maybe a soak in the tub would help... at least that way, if I get a little misty, I can blame it on the heat."
Clasping Remus' hand, Severus rose as well. "And it will give me the opportunity to scrub your back and wash your hair for you. I will use the soap and shampoo I made just for you, since I believe this occasion requires a little extra pampering."
"How could I be sad with a gorgeous, naked man spoiling me?" Remus asked lightly. Craning up on tiptoe, he pressed his lips to Severus' gratefully. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Severus. I just hope my maudlin soppiness doesn't drive you too crazy."
Severus returned the kiss with fond affection and slid his free arm around Remus' waist to guide him out of the parlor and upstairs to the haven of their private rooms. "I have dealt with your penchant for maudlin soppiness all these years without ill effect. I suppose I can manage fifty or sixty more."