gaius (ex_gaius583) wrote in snark_n_bark, @ 2008-06-12 21:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | complete, gaius, serenus |
In the aftermath
Characters: Serenus, Gaius, Etienne, Serafino
Summary: A grief-stricken Gaius is given support by someone who truly understands
When the unfamiliar owl tapped on the kitchen window, Serenus went to let it in, an unconscious frown creasing his brow. He didn't know why, but he was reluctant to accept its message, feeling inexplicably like something bad had happened, and he chided himself for being foolish. Tybalt hadn't been at work long enough for anything to have happened to him, and Serenus knew all the owls that belonged to the rest of the family, including his in-laws. He wasn't part gypsy like Tybalt, he reminded himself sternly as he took the message and offered the owl a treat, and Divination had never been one of his stronger subjects, thus it was mere fancy making his stomach knot with apprehension and his fingers shake as he held the letter, staring at it without opening it.
Seeing the handwriting on the envelope calmed his anxiousness a little; it had been a while, but he still recognized Sirius' handwriting, thus whatever the note contained couldn't be bad news delivered by a stranger as he'd feared. Still, he procrastinated. He went into the parlor to check on the twins, who were playing in their playpen; only when they made it clear they were quite happy without his interruption did he sit down on the sofa and open the letter at last.
He expected a request - perhaps Sirius wanted some help planning something special for Gaius - or an invitation because Sirius was impulsive, and perhaps he'd had a sudden urge to have a beer with Serenus because it had been so long since they'd seen one another. He had to read the letter twice for it to make sense, for him to read the words as they were rather than what he expected them to be.
"Damn," he whispered, shaking his head. "Damn, damn, damn."
He knew he ought not curse in front of the twins, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. The word reverberated in his head like a mantra of passive denial, and he bowed his head, the letter crumpled between his clasped hands as loss and regret washed over him.
Rising swiftly, he gathered up the twins despite their protests, and he held them close and tight, closing his eyes as he breathed in their sweet scent and felt the warmth of their solid little bodies in his arms.
"We always think we have all the time in the world," he murmured against Serafino's dark hair. "The truth is, there's never enough. Even if we live a hundred and fifty years, there's never enough time to love everyone the way we should."
As if sensing their father's distress, Serafino and Etienne nestled close and wrapped their plump arms around his neck, and he rocked them gently, releasing a shuddery sigh. His relationship with Sirius had always been tinged with "what if", and he had often regretted not being bolder, regretted the timing always seeming to be wrong between them. He didn't think kissing Sirius or even having slept with Sirius would have changed their ultimate destiny - Gaius was far more suited to Sirius' needs and personality than Serenus, and Tybalt was exactly the kind of man Serenus needed himself - but it might have been a pleasant detour indeed, and at least it would have left them both without regrets.
He also regretted not staying in touch better, but they had both had busy lives; he wouldn't take full responsibility for drifting apart, but he could have - should have - made time for a friend despite the hectic demands of family and work. He would do better with those who remained, particularly Harry, and he would get to know Faelan and look after him too, as Sirius requested. Haven's Loft was within walking distance, after all, and there was plenty of room for visitors at Azoth House, and Serenus liked having people in and out; it reminded him of village life when he was growing up, where all doors were open doors to family and friends alike.
But for now, he needed to talk to Gaius. Serenus had lost a friend, but Gaius had lost much more, and Serenus wanted to offer what comfort he could. He kissed the boys and returned them to their playpen, and then he went to the fireplace to call Haven's Loft.
The first storm of grief and anger had passed, leaving Gaius oddly numb. His lover was dead, gone back behind the Veil, and now there was just a big, empty hole in Gaius' life. For the first time in longer than he could remember, he had no idea what to do. Well, he did know what he should do, but he was oddly reluctant to make the Floo call to Serenus, as though by speaking the fact of Sirius' death to someone outside this house, he'd somehow make it real.
Standing alone in the library, staring at the walls, Gaius sighed and steeled himself to finally do what he must. He moved slowly toward the hearth, then jumped when the fireplace suddenly flared green and he saw Serenus' face looking out at him. He stared, his mouth dry, and it took him three tries before he managed to form a word, and that only a whisper. "Serenus?"
Serenus nodded, his heart wrenching when he saw the lost look in Gaius' eyes. He had no idea what he could say or do to help heal the wound; he knew from his own experience that little helped when the pain was so fresh and raw, but he could be there and listen or just hold Gaius - whatever Gaius needed.
"I know what happened," he said simply. "Do you want to come here, or do you want me to go through to you?"
The simple kindness and understanding in Serenus' eyes called to Gaius like a beacon, offering the comfort he knew he couldn't find here in this house. He and Harry and Faelan and Regulus could and would support each other; there was no doubt of that, but at the moment, Gaius desperately needed someone to hold him, and for that, he knew he needed one of the people he'd originally come to England to find. His brother.
"There, I'll come there," he said, feeling the ache in his soul reaching toward Serenus, yearning for the comfort he knew he would find. He reached out blindly toward the container of Floo powder, snatching up a clumsy pinch and tossing it into the flames. A moment later, he was stepping through, stumbling as his vision was blurred by tears, the tears he could not shed back at Haven's Loft. Reaching out blindly, he wrapped his arms around Serenus, burying his head in his tall brother's shoulder as the first sob wracked his body.
Serenus was there to catch Gaius as soon as he stepped through, and he enfolded Gaius in a tight embrace. Gently, he led Gaius to the sofa and drew him down, holding him close and stroking his back and hair soothingly. Serenus knew there was little he could say that would help, but he murmured words of love and reassurance, more than willing to hold Gaius until the tears had run their course.
Once he started crying, Gaius felt as though he couldn't stop, the combined grief and anger pouring out of him now that he was safe to let it go. He clung to Serenus, knowing that of all people in the universe, Serenus would understand, would not judge him or think less of him for giving in to the pain. He wasn't certain how long it lasted, but gradually, the tears slowed, his breathing lightening to sighed breaths. Serenus' soothing hands and the blessed calmness of his voice helped enormously, and at last, he shuddered, drawing in a deep breath and lifting his head to sniffle and give Serenus a weak, watery smile.
"I've soaked your shirt," he said, his voice sounding thick and hoarse even to his own ears. He swallowed hard, his throat raw and pained. "Thank you, Serenus. For being here."
"I wouldn't be anywhere else," Serenus replied, smoothing Gaius' hair back from his damp cheeks. "I'll be here as long as you need me." He fished a handkerchief out of his pocket and dried Gaius' eyes, then handed it over so Gaius could wipe his nose, and he resumed rubbing Gaius' back gently. "Are you going to be all right staying at Haven's Loft? I know Harry and Faelan are there, but if you'd rather be with family, you're welcome to stay here for a while. We have a guest room, and I know Tybalt wouldn't mind."
"Thank you," Gaius replied as he dabbed at his nose, sniffling again and not even caring that he no doubt looked a complete disaster. Something as practical as where he would sleep hadn't even occurred to him, and he looked at Serenus with wide, troubled eyes as his heart rejected the first option. "I don't want to go back to Haven's Loft," he added slowly, feeling guilty for the sudden aversion he felt to what, up until now, had been his home. "But Faelan and Harry... I don't want them to feel like I've abandoned them. I don't know what to do."
"Do what you want to do," Serenus replied, cupping Gaius' cheek in his palm and stroking it gently. "Do what you need to do. I'll help look after Harry and Faelan. No one is going to be left out or abandoned." He paused and swallowed hard, his own gaze faltering for a moment. "Sirius asked me to look after them," he said softly. "He sent me a letter. That's how I knew what happened."
Gaius sighed, leaning into the comfort of his brother's caress, and nodded soberly. "He sent us all letters. Harry and Faelan and Regulus and me. Others too, I'm sure, but those I know about." His dark eyes were haunted. "He went... without telling us. Without giving us a choice or letting us help. Harry and I were with Minerva last night, working on finding out what to do as a long term solution, and we think... Harry felt it. The Veil, we think. When Sirius went. Then we came home and went to bed without even knowing..." Tears welled up again. "I thought he was on a job, Serenus! I went home and slept in that bed thinking he was working, but he must have already been dead!"
"Which is exactly what he wanted you to think," Serenus said firmly, tightening his arms around Gaius. "Obviously, he didn't want to tell anyone what he intended because he knew what the reaction would be. He wanted to do it on his own terms." He sighed quietly and raked one hand through his hair. "On the one hand, I wish I could get my hands on him and shake him for doing this without telling anyone or looking for another solution. On the other..." He shrugged and shook his head, hating even to say the words. "It seems he was right. Perhaps he thought doing it this way would be easier than trying to say good-bye in person. Maybe he was trying to spare you the pain of watching him go. Whatever his reasons, you mustn't feel guilty for not realizing what was going on. Sirius may have been Sorted into Gryffindor, but he was born a Black, and as Regulus has often pointed out, Blacks generally get what they want."
Gaius shivered, his face draining of color. "That's just it, Serenus... right, wrong, he chose to leave. No one made him; he took the easy out. I have to wonder..." His voice dropped to a whisper, his head falling forward so that his hair obscured his face. "He left me, Serenus. I thought he loved me, loved Harry, but he didn't even try to find a way to stay with us. Instead he went with James and Lily, just as he's spent so much time with them lately. I wonder if, deep down, he wanted to go with them. If he loved them more than he loved me. Loved us."
"Going with them may have made it easier," Serenus said, pulling Gaius even closer. "But I don't think you or Harry have any reason to doubt that he loved you both. I think..." He hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "I think this may have been a typical Sirius gesture, you know? Rash, impulsive, and stupidly brave or bravely stupid. Take your pick. He did what he thought was the right thing - the fool-hardy Gryffindor in him compelled him to meet danger head-on, as Severus might say. He acted for the greater good, but based on what he wrote to me, I don't think it was easy for him to leave you behind."
Gaius shrugged; part of him accepted what Serenus was saying, but another part - the frightening, angry part that wanted to rail and scream and curse at Sirius for doing this to all of them - couldn't accept that Sirius hadn't tried to find a way to stay. His spine stiffened, though, and he lifted his head. "I suppose, in the end, why doesn't matter, does it? He's gone, and I shall have to deal with it, and help others deal with it." He winced, lifting a hand to rub at his face. "I always wondered if he'd leave me one day. I suppose my real shock is that he did it like this."
Serenus gazed at Gaius in silence for a moment, his eyes full of sympathy and understanding. "I know how it feels to be left behind," he said at last, reaching out to comb his fingers through Gaius' hair. "It's awful, no matter how it happens or how much of an explanation you're given. There are always questions and doubts, and it's impossible not to wonder if you did - or didn't - do something that might have made a difference. At least you can say he left you for a greater purpose. I would hold on to that and let the rest go as much as you can." He leaned over and brushed a kiss against Gaius' cheek. "It gets better. Not quickly or easily, but it does get better."
"You do know, don't you?" Gaius said, lifting a hand to caress Serenus' cheek, remembering Serenus' pain over the loss of Ian. Their situations really were similar in a lot of ways, the shock and the pain and the loss, the self-doubts and the fear of what was to come. He wrapped his arms around Serenus again, holding him with all the strength in his body. "I'm so sorry, Serenus. I couldn't have imagined how much it hurt. I can't fathom how anyone would inflict this on someone they profess to love! Maybe someday I'll see the greater good, but right now... it's hard."
He went silent for a moment, drawing comfort from the unconditional, uncomplicated love he felt for Serenus and that he knew Serenus felt for him. It helped, but he knew that Serenus was right: it was going to take time. Perhaps a very long time. Lifting his head, he gave Serenus a lopsided smile. "As I recall, mein bruder, it took a certain tall, determined hunk of Auror and a cleansing ritual to help you get better. I know I can count on you for the ritual, but where is there another big, strong Auror to be had?"
Serenus laughed and gave Gaius a squeeze. "Well, maybe Tybalt can find one for you when you're ready. I hope we don't have to resort to cleansing rituals; I'd rather not see you sink as far down as I did, but you've got a disowning and a curse to endure before that happens." He grew somber again. "It is hard, I know, and it's going to be hard for a while. But you're strong, caro, and you'll get through this. You have me, Severus, Remus, and the children, and I imagine you have Harry and Faelan too. Sometimes romantic love doesn't conquer all, but the love of this family will never be broken, and you'll always have it to draw on."
"Thank you, Serenus - that means more than you know." Gaius sighed, relaxing against Serenus, feeling tired and drained. It had only been a couple of hours at most, but somehow the nightmare seemed to have been going on for days, and he knew it wasn't over yet. "If you don't mind, I think I will stay here, at least for a little while. I just... I can't sleep in that bed, I know I can't. I'd rather not have to face... that. Not yet." He gave a sobbing sort of chuckle. "Or face Severus. He always told me Sirius would break my heart, but I don't think he really wanted to be right."
"I know he didn't," Serenus replied softly, rubbing Gaius' back again. "As much as he disliked Sirius, he wanted you to be happy with your chosen partner. I'll be very surprised if you hear any 'I told you so's from him, so I don't think you need to worry about that." He nuzzled Gaius' temple gently. "At any rate, you're welcome to stay here as long as you like. Just bring whatever you want or need, and we'll get you settled in the guest room, all right?"
"I don't need anything, really," Gaius replied. He glanced past Serenus at the playpen where Etienne and Serafino had drifted off, cuddled against each other like peas in a pod. "I brought my pajamas with me, in a manner of speaking."
Gaius hugged Serenus tightly again, kissing his cheek with gratitude, then pulled back slowly. Then he changed into Schatten, butting his head against Serenus' chest affectionately. Grief receded, as did all human emotions when he became a cat, and it offered a welcome respite from the immediacy of the churning mixture of anger, grief, and guilt which plagued him. He purred, the sound not a loud buzz of happiness but sounding low and rusty, but a purr nonetheless.
Serenus stroked Schatten from head to tail and scratched under his chin and behind his ears, pleased to hear the purr. He knew changing into cat form wouldn't solve Gaius' problems, but it might offer a respite. He dropped a kiss between Schatten's delicate little ears and picked him up, snuggling him.
"Your idea of pajamas, I presume," he said, a trace of amusement in his voice. "Perhaps a nap, then? Would you like to have a little nap with the boys?"
The purr grew louder, which Serenus took as a sign of assent, and he rose to his feet and carried Schatten over to the playpen, depositing him in it carefully. "There you go. Rest well, caro."
Schatten nuzzled Serenus, giving a soft mew of agreement at the suggestion of being with his nephews. He loved all the little Snapes, both as Uncle Gaius and as Schatten the playmate, so he willingly went, moving with delicate grace to the feet of the sleeping boys. He purred louder, looking at Serenus with love, then curled up near his nephews, relaxing and inhaling their sweet scent. This was soothing, too, feeling close to the little bundles of life who also shared his blood, helping to ease the aching emptiness by filling it up with love for his family. Settling down, he tucked his nose under his tail, his blue eyes sliding closed as his human concerns receded further, allowing him relief at last.