Love Put Me Wise... Characters: Remus, Severus, Serenus Summary: Serenus plays Agony Aunt, and Remus and Severia hope an evening out will help get things closer to normal.
"Good afternoon, sister." Serenus smiled mischievously as he peeked into Severia's workroom. He expected to find his twin slaving over a hot cauldron, but the flames were out, and Severia was sitting in a chair by the fireplace instead. "What, no bubbling and brewing?"
"I haven't enough magic to manage it properly," Severia replied, glancing over at him. "Everything I brew ends up botched, so I've given up trying."
She rose to her feet and moved to meet him, and Serenus noticed she was wearing her old clothes - black trousers, the black jacket with the endless row of buttons, and polished black half-boots. All masculine attire, nothing feminine in sight. He couldn't even discern the swell of breasts underneath the jacket.
"What's all this?" he asked, gesturing at Severia's attire. "I thought you would be wearing low-cut dresses with short skirts and running around, shouting, 'whee! I have breasts!'" At the quelling look Severia gave him, he grinned unrepentantly. "Well, maybe not shouting it aloud," he amended.
"I don't want to wear anything like that," Severia replied gruffly, looking away.
"Why not?" Serenus cupped her chin in his fingers and urged her to look directly at him. "What's wrong? Why are you covering up?"
Severia worked her jaw silently for a moment before replying. "Remus is uncomfortable with female anatomy."
"Uncomfortable...?" Serenus frowned, confused. "I know he's not bisexual, and I could understand if he's indifferent, but I don't understand why he would be uncomfortable."
"He's afraid of breasts," Severia stated flatly.
"Afraid..." Serenus blinked, trying to process this new information. "What, was he breast-fed too aggressively? Attacked by a roving band of wild breasts?"
"No, he was forcibly held down by female Healers and Mediwitches while they attempted to 'cure' him as a boy."
Chagrined, Serenus smiled sheepishly. "Oh... Sorry, I didn't realize. I suppose that would be rather traumatic. But surely he doesn't recoil at the sight of them. He sees women and their bosoms all the time!"
"Of course he sees them, but seeing is different from touching." Releasing a quiet sigh, Severia returned to her chair and sank down in it. "We did attempt intimacy recently, however."
"And it didn't go well." Serenus nodded his understanding. He regarded Severia silently for a moment, and then he moved to sit at her feet. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I know it must be difficult for both of you." He glanced up, giving her a questioning look. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, he can't bring himself to touch me, and nothing is going to change that until or unless I am able to revert to my old form." Severia grimaced and shook her head. "Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing when that will happen. Or even if it will."
"It will," Serenus replied staunchly. "One way or another, it will happen. I'm sure of it. In the meantime, surely you don't need to pretend you're male again. I know you don't want to upset Remus, but you do have dresses that aren't low cut."
"I do, yes, but I don't want to wear them." Severia frowned slightly. "I don't... I'm not... I simply don't want to put myself on display," she said, shaking her head.
Serenus sat back on his heels, regarding her speculatively. As comfortable and confident Severus had been in his designer dresses, Serenus had expected Severia to be a walking fashion plate, not trying to hide behind her old clothes. Her armor. Perhaps that was it, he thought. The self-confidence about his appearance that Severus had developed over the past few years had come from knowing Remus found him sexy and desirable, and if Remus didn't find Severia desirable, it could be shaking her self-confidence.
"That's all right," he said, reaching out to clasp her hand and offer a comforting squeeze. "Just do what you're comfortable with." He released her hand and slid his fingers up to stroke her forearm. "Anyway, I wanted to stop by and give you an update."
Severia perked up, her expression hopeful. "Have you found a way to get rid of the Mark?"
"It's possible," Serenus replied, curling his fingers around her forearm. "I've done similar work before, although never with something so old and deeply rooted. I might be able to get rid of it. At the least, I should be able to neutralize it enough that Voldemort can't use it against you or Regulus." He paused and raked his free hand through his hair.
Severia raised one eyebrow. "But...?"
He grimaced. "But it's difficult Work that requires a great deal of power. I'm not as depleted as you are, but I'm not up to full capacity either. I'm pretty sure I don't have the magical energy it would take to perform the Work once, much less twice."
"Damn." Severia scowled and wrapped her arms around her midsection in a self-protective gesture.
"I'm sorry," Serenus said quietly. "We could try, if you like. I may have more reserves of energy than I think I do."
"No." Severia released a soft sigh. "No, there isn't any point in depleting your magic with something that may or may not work. It's simply another unwanted change I must live with," she added, a trace of bitterness in her voice.
Serenus fell silent for a moment, trying to think of something he could do or say to help. "I'm rather disappointed, you know," he said at last, keeping his voice light. "I was hoping to see you all tarted up. You're a lovely woman, and Remus isn't the only one who thinks you're sexy."
Severia glanced away for a moment, and then she turned back to him with a frank gaze. "Remus said it would be all right if I approached you to..."
"Satisfy your curiosity?" he asked, teasing lightly.
"My needs, actually," she replied. "But I suppose my curiosity as well. He wants me to be happy."
"He wouldn't be happy to see you like this," Serenus pointed out, reaching for her hand, hoping to reach Severia that way. He knew how much she disliked upsetting Remus, and if she wouldn't try to reclaim her confidence for her own sake, perhaps she would try for Remus'. "I know you don't want to upset him, but I think it would upset him more to see you hiding behind your old clothes as if you were ashamed or embarrassed than it would for him to see a bit of cleavage. He loves you, and I know he doesn't want to make you unhappy or hurt you, even indirectly. I imagine this has been hard on your self-confidence, but I would bet a hundred galleons that Remus would be devastated if he thought he had caused you any self-doubt."
"You're probably right," Severia murmured, turning her gaze down to their joined hands.
"Then will you go upstairs and change clothes?" Serenus asked encouragingly.
"Yes, I suppose so." Her tone was one of grudging reluctance, but Serenus took her agreement as a positive sign nonetheless.
"Would you like to satisfy your curiosity while you're at it?" he asked softly, bringing her hand to his lips and pressing a gentle kiss to the palm, but Severia shook her head.
"Not really," she replied. "But you could satisfy Remus in ways I cannot. If he needs you..."
"I'll see what I can do." Serenus leaned forward and offered a light but lingering kiss, not offended or particularly surprised by the refusal. "I'll go and talk to him now, and you go and change clothes, all right?" He rose and offered his hand to help Severia up, and she clasped it firmly and rose to her feet.
"All right," she said.
"Good." Serenus offered an encouraging smile before squeezing and releasing her hand. "I'll see you soon."
With that, Serenus left her workroom in the catacombs and headed back upstairs in search of Remus. He couldn't bring himself to leave without checking on Remus as well, not when it sounded as if Remus was having a difficult time too, and he wasn't certain whether Remus really had anyone he could talk to about it. If he remembered correctly, most of Remus' friends didn't like Severus and were unlikely to be sympathetic, but Serenus could offer a sympathetic listening ear if Remus needed one.
He knew Remus was likely to be in his office, writing, since it was well into the afternoon, and he went there first in hopes that Remus hadn't decided to deviate from his usual routine. Once there, he knocked on the door and then opened it just enough to let him poke his head in the room. Fortunately, he spotted Remus at his desk, and he smiled warmly.
"Can my favorite author take time from penning his latest masterpiece to chat with his biggest fan?"
Remus looked up from his manuscript, startled at first by Serenus' unexpected appearance, but then smiling warmly in welcome. He pushed back his chair and rose, crossing to take Serenus' hand and pull him into the office. "Yes, absolutely - I always have time for you!" he assured Serenus, wrapping arms around him and giving him a tight hug. "You've been visiting Severus, I take it? How did it go?"
Serenus wound his arms around Remus and returned the embrace affectionately. "Sh - ah - he seemed a little preoccupied, but I suppose with everything that's been going on, it's understandable. Mostly, I wanted to give him an update about the possibility of neutralizing the Dark Mark for him and Regulus. As I told him, I think it's possible, but it would require more magical mojo than I currently possess."
"Everything requires more magical mojo than any of us have right now," Remus replied, sighing as he leaned his head against Serenus' shoulder for a moment. Then he pulled back, and led Serenus over toward the leather sofa. "Here, let's sit down and talk about it. I appreciate what you're doing, trying to help Severus with the Dark Mark. I think he's more upset about that than about being a woman."
Serenus let himself be guided to the sofa, and he sat down, sliding one arm around Remus' shoulders and pulling him close. "I wouldn't be so sure about that. I got the impression that he's quite ready to return to his old body. It didn't seem to me that he's enjoying the change at all."
Remus went into the cuddle willingly, appreciating the closeness where he wasn't afraid of making a mistake or being betrayed by his own body. "That's my fault," he replied glumly, giving a helpless shrug. "I am trying to be supportive, really, and I know he's still Severus, still the man I love, but... there's just something about touching female parts that I'm just not rational about. It's not his fault, and I wish I knew how to get over this, but nothing has worked. It's pathological, I guess, and I am even more upset about the fact that I'm letting Severus down."
"I know." Serenus brushed a kiss to Remus' temple. "That's why I wanted to talk to you, too. This situation is rough on both of you, and I wasn't sure you had anyone who could offer a listening ear. If it's any consolation, Severus doesn't blame you. He told me about the trauma you suffered when you were a child, and I think he understands it isn't something you can help."
"I appreciate that, but... well, I feel like it's my fault." Remus raising a hand, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I feel like a failure, like I'm not being what Severus needs me to be. He's been there for me when I've been a slavering monster, and I can't even bear to touch a breast just to make him feel loved and desired? What kind of mate am I? When it comes down to it, I think he's really only uncomfortable about being a female because I'm uncomfortable with it."
Winding both arms around Remus, Serenus offered a comforting embrace and rubbed his back soothingly. "There isn't any point or need in assigning blame in this situation, and neither of you are a failure. I think the biggest problem here is that you both want each other to be happy and to make each other happy, and you both take it far too hard when you think you've let the other down in some way. Your fear is understandable, and it isn't something you can just snap out of because it's become inconvenient. Severus has his own issues, remember, and you haven't held them against him. Neither is he holding this issue against you."
"Yeah, I suppose." Remus gave a rather unsteady chuckle, relaxing into Serenus' embrace. "It's hard, when this has been the first time I feel as though I've let Severus down. Or I should say, the first time since we've been together. I suppose that's why I'm so sensitive about it. I let him down so often when we were young, then again during the war. I failed him again and again and so to do so again makes me feel horrible."
"You might talk to him about that," Serenus suggested, continuing to rub Remus' back gently. "But he didn't mention feeling as if you had failed him to me. I think maybe you're thinking more about the past than he is."
Remus nodded; his feelings on the matter were complex, to say the least. It went so far beyond a change in Severus' physical form, reminding Remus of all the times he'd not done right by Severus before, making him feel as though he was mucking things up again. "I'll talk to him, you're right. Thanks, Serenus. You always know what to say."
"I do my best." Serenus smiled and leaned over to kiss Remus' cheek, giving him a little squeeze, and then his smile widened to a teasing grin. "He told me you'd given him permission to 'explore' with me. That was generous of you!"
"Well... it's not as though you two are strangers to that," Remus replied with a soft chuckle, feeling better, at least a little bit. "Since I can't manage to, um, help him discover the delights of the form he's stuck in, it seemed only fair to let him have another opportunity." His expression became a bit more serious. "I hate having him deprived of anything he desires. I know that he is curious, he can't help it. And there is no one I trust more than you when it comes to Severus."
Warmed by Remus' words, Serenus hugged him tighter. "I appreciate that. So does he, although he did put me off. He gave me permission to take care of you, though, which I think proves my earlier point about the two of you wanting to do anything to make the other happy, even if it means passing me back and forth," he added, teasing gently.
"You should be flattered - the most wanted man in the neighborhood." It wasn't a joke. Not quite, at least; he did desire Serenus, but it wouldn't be right, not now and not in these circumstances. "But I'm fine, really. I think I'm too worried and upset about Severus to really have my heart in anything sensual. Who ever would have thought?"
Serenus reached out and gently tucked a stray lock of hair back from Remus' face. "I think there's a simple reason: you miss each other, and as fond as both of you are of me, it isn't the same. It's difficult to enjoy a side dish when you're being deprived of the main course."
"Now, you're no side dish!" Remus protested, giving Serenus a look of fond exasperation. "More like a dessert, or maybe an appetizer, depending on the way you look at it." Reaching up to Serenus' face, he touched Serenus' face with tender fingers. "I don't know what we'd do without you, Serenus. We love you, both of us. Remember how I told you that you're a part of us? That's still true. And I'm glad we have you."
Leaning into the touch, Serenus smiled affectionately at him. "I love both of you, too, and I'm here for you. Both of you. Severus is my twin, but you're important to me, too. If I can help, I will - gladly."
"Thank you. That means a lot to me. You're my family, and that's very special, you know." Remus smiled. "Maybe when all this is over you and Tybalt should come over, and we can all do a little family bonding, right? I think we deserve it, after all we've been through."
"I'd like that," Serenus replied, nodding. "I think Tybalt would, too. After everything that has happened lately, I think we definitely deserve it!"
"We're in agreement, then," Remus said, holding Serenus close for a moment. "Mmm... that's for later, though. Dare I say I hope you at least gave Severus a good cuddle? It helps, you know."
Serenus laughed quietly. "No, he didn't seem inclined to cuddle this time, but we had a nice talk. I'll see if he's more in the mood next time." He nuzzled Remus' cheek and kissed him lightly. "So - more cuddling for you or would you like me to go so you can talk to Severus?"
Remus returned the kiss, framing Serenus' face with his hands and pouring all his gratitude into the contact. Then he pulled back and placed his forehead against Serenus'. "I think I've had enough cuddling to tide me over, thank you. I should probably go talk to Severus now, though - he needs to know. It'll be better soon - I hope."
"I hope so too. I want all my favorite people to be happy." Serenus gave Remus another little squeeze before releasing him, and he rose to his feet. "If there's anything I can do, let me know, all right?"
"I will." Remus stood as well, craning up to give Serenus a swift kiss on the cheek. "And vice versa, of course. Hopefully you and Tybalt won't be going through any bizarre happenings, though. But if you do, you know where to find us."
"Indeed we do." Serenus smiled and returned the kiss, and then he stepped back. "Good luck! And stop blaming yourself," he added with a stern look and a wag of his finger before heading for the door.
Remus watched Serenus go, waving and smiling as he passed through the door. Then he drew in a deep breath, and crossed to the doorway himself; it was definitely time for him to talk to Severus. They had each other, and nothing would change that, no matter if one of them had breasts and the other wore fur from time to time.
After her talk with Serenus, Severia had gone upstairs to change clothes as he'd suggested, putting her old robes back in the wardrobe and picking out a conservative black dress instead, one that fit loosely and didn't draw too much attention to her curves. She didn't unbind her bosom, however, deciding it might make things easier for Remus if he wasn't confronted with unavoidable evidence of her change. She felt less comfortable and more exposed out of her armor, but she thought Serenus had a good point.
She had just finished dressing and styling her hair in a bun at the nape of her neck - "All I need is some tartan, and I'll be Minerva," she muttered to herself - when she heard footsteps in the corridor, and she went to the bedroom door to see if Serenus had come to check up on her.
Remus paused at the door, not wanting to barge in and disturb Severus. He was about to knock when the door opened, and he gave a startled laugh as he saw Severus on the other side, dressed in black, hair pulled back, and reminding Remus of a certain Halloween where they hadn't made it out of the Manor. The talk with Serenus had made him feel more grounded, especially since Serenus had been so adamant about Severus not blaming Remus for how he felt. Wanting to keep the mood light, Remus held out a hand. "Mon amor, you look divine. Were you going to ask me to waltz?"
The unexpected question and the levity behind it threw Severia off, and she stared at him for a moment, uncertain how to respond. "That wasn't my intent," she said at last, taking his hand hesitantly. "But we can if you like."
The hesitancy gave Remus a pang; had things really grown so strained between them? Well, they needed to remedy that, and so he nodded and led Severus back into the bedroom, closing the door behind them.
"We've not danced in too long," Remus said, pulling Severus into his arms, refusing to treat this any differently from the countless times they'd danced before. He began to move in the slow steps of the waltz, leading Severus easily. "No music, but I think we can do without. I wanted to talk to you, anyway, love. If you feel like it, that is."
Severia followed Remus' lead stiffly at first, but when it appeared the proximity wasn't bothering Remus, she began to relax a little. "I have already had one talk today, as I'm sure you know. I may as well have another," she said dryly. "What do you want to talk about?"
Continuing to dance, Remus smiled slightly. "I've had a talk, too, with the same person who came to visit you." His smile faded, his amber eyes turning earnest. "Serenus is concerned for us both, and he suggested that I talk to you about why my inability to respond has been so stressful for me. It's not just the issue of confronting my aversion to female anatomy. It has to do with my hatred of feeling like I'm letting you down again, the way I let you down for so many years."
Severia frowned, puzzled, and shook her head. "If you're talking about things such as the time you let your friends dangle me upside-down, that has no bearing on what is going on now. Even then, you were not letting me down, really. You let yourself down in failing to do what you knew was right. You allowed fear to overrule your ethics. This situation has nothing to do with ethics."
"Not ethics, no, but..." Remus drew in a deep breath, trying to marshal his thoughts so that he could explain it properly. "I'm not talking about any particular incident, really, but all of them, all those years where I didn't do what I should have done. I definitely was failing myself, but I was failing you, too. I loved you even back then, remember? I wanted to be close to you, and I let my fear not only get in the way of doing what was right because I was a prefect, but what was right because of how I felt about you. And now, this... it is the same, at least from my point of view. I love you, and I feel like I'm failing you because my fear is getting in the way of me responding the way I want to respond. I swore that I'd never fail you again, Severus, and it has been tearing me up to feel as though I'm going back on that because of this stupid phobia."
Severia stopped in her tracks, bringing the dance to a halt, and her frown deepened. "But it isn't the same thing," she repeated. "In the past, it was a conscious choice on your part. A fear based on wanting approval and acceptance is entirely different from a fear based on emotional trauma. It would be like asking me to overcome my dislike of casual socializing versus asking me to overcome my dislike of Black. The first, I could manage if I decided I wanted to do so. The second is impossible because my loathing has been too deep-seated for too long. But let me make it clear: I have not thought you have failed me in this matter."
Severus' words were a balm to Remus' soul. With a little sound that was half chuckle, half sob, he pulled Severus into his arms, not caring about breasts or anything else other than holding his mate close. "You don't know how much that means to me," he said, his voice muffled as he buried his face in the side of Severus' neck. "I want to make you happy. Your feelings are more important to me than anything, and it's been eating me up, worrying that you might think I was letting you down again. You're my life, my love, my soul. I'd rather die than ever have you think that I don't love you or desire you, my mate."
"I know you love me," Severia replied, resting her hands lightly on Remus' shoulders, tensing a little at the embrace. She had bound her bosom until she was practically flat-chested, but as close as he was, Remus might be able to feel the slight swell nonetheless, and she internally braced for the moment when he realized what he was pressed against and recoiled again. "I understand your fear, and I do not blame you for it. You needn't worry that I am resentful or angry with you."
Remus could feel the tension in Severus' body, and he sighed. "You can relax, Severus. I'm not going to pull away. I can hug you, you know, without getting the heebie jeebies." He lifted his head, giving Severus a sad, lopsided smile. "I'm glad you don't blame me, but I still am going to make all of this up to you, somehow. You've been so put upon, and I can't stand seeing you in distress."
"I'm not in distress." Severia breathed deeply and released it slowly, trying to ease some of her tension. "I simply don't want to see you look at me the way you did the other night again, even if it means not touching you." She tightened her hands on his shoulders briefly. "But I didn't say that to give you another reason to flagellate yourself," she added sternly. "As I said, I understand why you are so afraid, and I am not upset with you. I simply think we ought to be careful not to do things that might make either one of us uncomfortable."
"Right." Remus sighed, leaning his head against Severus' shoulder again. "I just want everything back to normal. We've been through so much, and I love our life. I wish I had enough magic left to make this all go away. Or take you away somewhere. Italy, perhaps. Or Malaga. Anywhere but England."
"Going away wouldn't solve our problems. We would take them with us," Severia replied in her familiar pragmatic way. "I want everything back to normal as well. If I could transform back, I would, but I cannot, little as I may like being stuck this way. Until I am able to fix my mistake, we will simply have to make the best of things."
"You didn't make a mistake," Remus said firmly. "You did a perfectly reasonable transformation given the circumstances, and you couldn't have known that your magic would suffer a sudden weakening. Tell you what, you don't blame me, and I don't blame you, and you're right, we should make the best of things. So, for the time being, let's try to be as normal as we can, all right? I might have a problem with, um, sex, but I don't have a problem hugging you or cuddling you. So if you'll relax, so will I, and we'll just support each other through this."
"I will try to relax," Severia replied. It would be difficult, she knew, now that her old defensive tactics had risen anew, urging her to cover up and keep her distance; being looked at or touched was uncomfortable for her, and while she knew on an intellectual level that she had no reason to feel that way, she had her own deep-rooted issues to deal with. But if she didn't try to ignore and move past her self-protective instincts, she would end up making the situation worse for them both, and that was the last thing she wanted to do.
She drew in a deep breath and released it slowly, and she forced herself to relax her shoulders, trying to relieve the tense hunch. "Right. So. What shall we do now?"
Remus rubbed his hands over Severus' back. "Why don't we spend some time together, just you and me, away from the children? No, I"m not talking about running away from our problems, but just going out and spending an evening together. Dinner, maybe dancing? As you'll recall, I had no problem with either of those with you in this form on the night of the fashion show, right? You're still my Severus, and I assume you still like doing the same things? A nice meal out in Muggle London, dancing at a hotel, perhaps a drink? I still want to show you off. That certainly hasn't changed! We can be ourselves that way, without the pressure of feeling like either of us has to do something we don't wish to do. We can just be us. I love you for many, many more things than sex, my darling. Let's enjoy those things."
"All right," Severia replied, stepping away from Remus and moving toward the wardrobe to see if she had any evening wear that wasn't low cut, sleeveless, or too form-fitting. Privately, she wondered how well it would work, considering "being herself" under normal circumstances meant spending their evening out teasing Remus with flirtation and seductive caresses in an attempt to drive him mad before they made it home; she would have to stifle that part of herself and focus on treating Remus as nothing more than a friend. Still, Remus was making an effort to bring back some normalcy, and going out would be better than spending another evening dreading bedtime. "Perhaps the change of scenery will do us good," she said aloud.
"I suspect it will," Remus said, following Severus to the wardrobe. "Pass me my blue suit, would you please?"
He could tell that Severus was still withdrawn, and he wished he knew what he could do to make it better. This whole situation was something he could never have imagined in his wildest nightmares, and he wanted nothing more than to have their lives back to normal once again. Either that, or for his stupid phobia to go away. Maybe a few drinks would help him relax enough to not care about it any longer.
Removing the blue suit from the wardrobe, Severia handed it to Remus and then selected a conservative black dress with a long skirt and a high collar for herself. "You can change in here, if you like," she said as she selected a pair of shoes. "I'll take the bathroom since I need to put on some cosmetics."
With that, she strode to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She changed dresses quickly and slipped on the shoes, and then she applied some light make-up in more neutral colors rather than the dramatic darker colors she usually preferred; she hadn't been bothering to wear any cosmetics of late, but she supposed she ought to put on a little since they were going out. She opted not to style her hair differently, deciding the bun would do well enough.
When she considered herself presentable, she emerged from the bathroom and went to the dresser, debating whether she wanted to wear any jewelry; in the end, she put on a pair of pearl earrings, deciding to keep it simple.
"I am ready when you are," she said, turning to face Remus.
Remus had changed quickly into his suit, and he was knotting his tie when Severus re-entered the bedroom. He smiled widely, then crossed to take one of Severus' hands, bowing over it and pressing his lips not to the back, but into Severus' palm. "And you look as gorgeous as ever, love. Let's go. I want to show you off."
Severia lowered her gaze shyly rather than coyly - she didn't feel gorgeous - a blush staining her cheeks at the compliment, and she forcibly repressed a shiver at the feel of Remus' lips against her palm. That, she thought, was the frustrating thing: Remus might be repulsed by her female form, but she still desired him as much as she ever had.
She reminded herself sternly that they were meant to be relaxing and behaving normally. Well, as normally as possible, at any rate. And that, she knew, wouldn't be possible if she didn't let down her guard a little; Remus was making an obvious effort, and she could do no less. Thus she drew in a deep breath and linked her arm through Remus' as she would have done under normal circumstances.
"Right," she said, bracing herself for whatever the evening had in store. "Let's go."