It's Interfering with the Cuddling... Characters: Remus, Severus Summary: Remus attempts to overcome his fears.
After days of being female, Severus had settled in and adjusted to having a new body. Severus had, in fact, grown accustomed to thinking in terms of "she" instead of "he" - of Severia instead of Severus. It seemed the sensible thing to do, especially if the change lasted longer... or was permanent. Although she still answered to "Severus" and hadn't insisted aloud that she be referred to as a female instead of a male, she was comfortable thinking of herself that way, and she had grown accustomed to doing things differently, everything from using the loo to having to wear a bra, but it wasn't all bad. The children had accepted her new state with relative ease, and life was going on as usual.
With one notable exception.
Severia unhooked her bra with a sigh of relief, slipped it off, and donned a modest flannel nightgown, one that obscured rather than revealed her attributes. She had far sexier lingerie, but she didn't want to make Remus uncomfortable by putting too much of her body on display, so she took pains not to appear overtly feminine.
During the day, it was easier to feel as if everything was normal. Remus was as affectionate and attentive as he usually was, and they both had their usual activities to keep them busy. Severia's magic was still weak, practically non-existent, but she was adjusting to that too. At night, however, the differences were clear. Rather than retiring to the privacy of their bedroom to indulge in love-making, they retired to the privacy of their bedroom to go to sleep. Oh, there was some cuddling. Remus didn't refuse to touch altogether. But it was all quite chaste, and Severia had accepted it as the new status quo, not asking Remus to stretch his boundaries farther than he was comfortable with. She knew this was difficult enough for Remus without adding pressure to the mix and straining their relationship on top of everything else.
Padding on bare feet into the bedroom, she climbed into bed and settled in, nestling against her pillow with a quiet sigh while she waited for Remus to join her.
Remus had taken to changing in the loo, feeling an unfathomable body modesty in front of Severus these days. Perhaps it was because he felt it would be cruel to tempt them both when he knew he couldn't follow through on any intimacy beyond cuddling. He couldn't look at Severus' body in its current state without feeling that sense of fear that had always enveloped him, and not for the first time, he berated his own weakness.
Slipping on his pajama bottoms, he shrugged into the shirt and buttoned it up before looking at his reflection in the mirror. He smiled at himself wanly, feeling as though he were the worst partner in the world to let Severus down, and then he sighed and opened the door, walking toward the bed to see Severus already there, covered up and ready to go to sleep.
"Hey," he said softly as he slipped between the sheets, scooting close enough that he could kiss Severus' cheek gently. He propped himself on one arm and looked down at his mate, missing keenly the joy of having Severus wrapped in his arms. "Well... good night, Severus. I love you."
Severia could see the pensive look in Remus' eyes, and she wished she could erase it, but she knew the only thing that could do that was if she spontaneously reverted to normal, boy bits and all. She cupped Remus' cheek in her palm and stroked it gently with her thumb.
"I know," she said quietly. "Good night, Remus."
Lying his close, able to only see Severus' face, drowning in the dark eyes of the man he loved without any of the complications of changed bodies or failing magic, Remus felt the familiar pull of attraction, the warmth spreading through his body almost as easily as it had before everything had gone pear shaped. It had only been a few days, but it felt longer, almost like a lifetime since he'd felt this way. He caught Severus' scent, and it wasn't quite right, too soft and sweet, but it was easy enough to ignore that little discrepancy. With a soft sound that was part inquiry and part groan, he closed the distance between them, claiming Severus' lips with restrained hunger.
Startled by the unexpected kiss, Severia froze for a moment - but only for a moment. Oh, yes, please, she thought as she parted her lips eagerly, moaning into the kiss. She didn't know what had prompted Remus to do this, but she wasn't about to question it, not when the last few days had been a sexual famine, exacerbated by the fact that while Remus didn't desire her like this, her desire remained undiminished, and everything about Remus that had always aroused her still aroused her, only now she couldn't act on it as she had before.
Remus was unsurprised by Severus' response, and he deepened the kiss, sliding one hand around the back of Severus' neck. It wasn't exactly as it had been before, but he shut out any thoughts of the differences and concentrated on the kiss, on the way their lips and tongues felt as they explored each other. He didn't think any further ahead than the kiss, either, didn't give himself the opportunity to worry and fret about what he couldn't respond to. He was kissing Severus, that was all, seeking a connection not just with this physical body, but with the man inside, the man whom he had loved for more years than he could count.
With a heartfelt groan, Severia yielded to the kiss and slid her hand up from Remus' cheek to tangle her fingers in his hair, wanting to strengthen the connection without making him feel trapped. It felt so good, and she had missed this so much, thus it was easy to surrender to the moment and give in to growing hunger as Remus deepened the kiss. It's still me in here, she thought fervently, wishing for a way to convey the message aloud without unsettling him. And I still want you.
Remus continued with the kiss, slow and deep, not seeking to advance things, or at least not quickly. This was the most connected he'd felt to Severus in days, the first time it felt normal and unforced. He wasn't dreading something more or fearing it; he was content to simply be, to feel Severus' lips against his, to forget the extra fullness to them in the pleasure of contact. He leaned into the tug of Severus' fingers in his hair, the familiarity of the gesture helping to distract him even more from any differences from what he was used to.
The familiarity, however, was what made it hard to not respond as he was used to doing, his body aching for increased contact. He made a sound of restless hunger against Severus' mouth, uncertain as to what to do, feeling like an untutored boy.
Severia nipped gently at Remus' bottom lip and pulled back, combing her fingers through Remus' hair. It was a risk, breaking the silence of the moment, but after all these years together, she knew how to read Remus, and she could sense his uncertainty.
"Would you like more kisses?" she asked, deepening her voice so it sounded closer to normal. If that helped to keep the connection between them, she didn't mind the little illusion. "Or may I touch you?"
"Kiss me, yes, please...." Remus' voice was breathy, but he didn't open his eyes, keeping them closed as he pictured Severus in his mind, the deep purr of Severus' voice sending a little shudder of pleasure down his spine. He wasn't certain he was ready for touching, not yet; maybe when he was so drunk on Severus' kisses, he could no longer think.
Perhaps, Severia thought, a little aggression wouldn't go amiss. It was part of their dynamic, after all. With a soft growl, she captured Remus' face between her hands and drew him back down for another hot, hungry kiss, letting him feel her desire. She claimed his mouth in return and slipped her tongue between his lips, moaning anew at Remus' familiar, beloved taste.
Remus went into the kiss eagerly, wanting more, wanting his Severus. He loved this, feeling Severus' demanding mouth against his, calling to the wolf and making Remus forget everything but the pressure of Severus' lips and the way Severus sounded when he made those hungry sounds. He felt lost in it, forgetting that Severus wore the wrong body, and he wrapped his arms around Severus and pulled him closer, his own body aching to know the familiar lines and hard angles of Severus pressed against him.
Angles, unfortunately, that were now curves, and lines that had grown softer, giving against him instead of offering resistance. Remus was hard, aching, but there was no answering hardness against him - heat, yes, but the evidence of Severus' arousal was too subtle, and Remus' body instinctively tensed at the strangeness, for a split second interpreting the lack as disinterest and throwing him out of the moment. That was when he realized there were breasts pressed against him. Remus went completely still, eyes flying wide as he fought another instinct, one that would have him shy back violently and curl into a ball. He managed to not do that, but he did break away from the kiss with a gasp, unable to hide the fear and confusion in his eyes.
Disoriented by the abrupt end of a promising kiss, Severia stared at him in bewilderment. But she went from confused to sickened swiftly when she saw the look in Remus' eyes, which was more effective than a bucket of ice water in dowsing her arousal, and she immediately released him and drew back, averting her gaze.
"It was worth a try, I suppose," she murmured. "Now we know."
"Severus..." Remus groaned, closing his eyes as he sank back against the pillow, his face flushed with mortification. "I'm sorry, it's me; it's not you... you're perfect, no matter what body you wear, I'm just..." He opened his eyes, the amber depths full of apology. "Something's wrong with me, about women, I mean. It's just never really bothered me until now." Reaching out a hand, Remus brushed his fingers over Severus' cheek. "I'm so sorry, love. I wouldn't hurt you for the world. Maybe... maybe I can go to St. Mungo's, talk to the Healers, and maybe they can fix whatever is wrong with me."
"There isn't anything wrong," Severia replied. "You're a gay man who doesn't want to have sex with a woman. Your natural proclivities don't care that I used to be a man. I'm female now, and that is what is wrong and what needs to be fixed, not you."
"I still think I should be able to overcome it," Remus said, frowning in self-disgust. "Other men touch women all the time. There are even gay men who marry and have sex with women, despite their 'natural proclivities'. My response is not normal. I've always known that, but it never mattered before. It matters now, though; you matter to me, Severus. It shouldn't matter what parts you have. I know that's you in there, and I love and desire you."
"I know you love me, but obviously, you don't desire me like this," Severia replied, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "You don't like female parts. I have female parts now; ergo, your desire for me is not what it used to be. That is the reality we must deal with right now, and there is a simple solution. We don't force you to face something you have such a deep-seated dislike of."
Remus shook his head. "You're very kind to say that, but it's not the whole case. I have wolf parts once each month, and you don't desire me any less, do you? Oh, I know we've not really done anything, but your scent tells me enough, especially when I'm in wolf form." He gave a lop-sided smile, wishing he were different. "I don't even know why female bits seem to bother me so much. Maybe it would make more sense if I'd been bitten by a female werewolf, but that wasn't the case. The only thing that I can think of is the female Healers used to hold me down when I was a child and they were trying out some new 'cure' on me. But I would think I'm rational enough not to equate that with sex with women!"
"Fears are irrational by nature," Severia pointed out. "If your aversion to women has its basis in being held down by female Healers, I'm not certain going to St. Mungo's is the best idea. That setting might exacerbate your fears rather than settle them. Besides, the fact that I would willingly engage in intimacy with the wolf has no bearing on this situation. I am not afraid of the wolf, and even when I was, my fear was tempered by an equally strong fascination, never revulsion. It isn't the same thing at all."
Severus' words made Remus feel a bit better, but he knew that didn't help much with Severus' current predicament. He bit his lip, considering what he could do to fix that, to make certain that all Severus' needs were taken care of so that Severus didn't have to suffer unduly.
"Oh!" he gasped, looking Severus with a sudden smile. "You don't have to do without, you know, even if I can't seem to function. Serenus doesn't have any problem with females, right? I don't want you to be deprived, love. If you want and need to, I'm fine with you approaching Serenus. Hopefully, we'll get this solved quickly, but if not... well, I want you to be happy. No matter what it takes."
Severia clasped Remus' hand and squeezed it. "All right. Thank you." She released his hand and reached back to plump up her pillow, trying to ignore the ache of disappointment and unfulfilled arousal. "Now that we've come to a resolution, shall we go to sleep? It has been a rather long day."
Leaning forward, Remus kissed Severus on the lips, gently but with love. "You're welcome. I'm sorry I can't do this one thing for you. I wish I could, because I love you more than life itself. Good night, Severus - sweet dreams." With that, Remus lay back against his own pillow, wishing for a swift return of his mate to his true form.