Severus Snape (ensnared_senses) wrote in snark_n_bark, @ 2008-04-07 15:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | complete, remus, severus |
What Did I Do *This* Time?
Characters: Severus, Remus
Summary: Severus needs some help to figure things out, and he's not thrilled with the answer either.
Notes: Immediately follows this scene.
Severus stood and stared at the door of his workroom for several minutes after Serenus slammed it shut behind himself, feeling equal parts annoyed and bewildered. He knew Serenus was angry with him, but he wasn't sure how they had gone from discussing why he hadn't recommended Serenus for inclusion in the Order to Serenus storming off and slamming doors, especially not so quickly.
Well, he wasn't going to get any work done after that, and with a grumbling sigh, he put the recipe book back in its place and went upstairs in search of Remus. Perhaps if he explained what happened, Remus could make sense of it for him. He didn't find Remus in the parlor, and so he went to Remus' study next, gratified to see light shining under the door that let him know Remus was inside.
With a cursory knock, he opened the door and walked in, stalking toward Remus' desk. "Serenus is angry with me, and I'm not entirely certain why," he announced without preamble.
Remus looked up as the door opened, smiling in welcome as Severus entered. He was a bit surprised at Severus' sudden announcement, but he sat back in his chair, taking off his reading glasses and tossing them on his desk. Rising to his feet, he took Severus' hand and drew him toward the sofa on the other side of the room. "I'm sorry to hear that. Why don't we sit down, and you can tell me what happened? Maybe I can help shed some light on it."
Severus let himself be led to the sofa and sat down beside Remus, curling up close. "He came to see me just now, and he wanted to know if I intended to recommend him to be in the Order as I had Tybalt. I said no, and that is when he started getting angry."
"I see." Remus wrapped an arm around Severus, holding him close and stroking his arm soothingly. "I would say it's likely Tybalt must have told him about the Order and about your recommending him, wouldn't you? Of course, we don't know how Tybalt presented it, but I think it's safe to say he could have been careful of Serenus' feelings. Perhaps he felt left out? What exactly did he say, and how did you respond?"
Leaning into the stroking, Severus thought back to the argument, trying to reconstruct the chain of events. "He wanted to know why I wouldn't recommend him, and I told him: he doesn't have experience with combat or planning strategy, and he doesn't have the proper mindset for this sort of thing."
Remus thought on that for a moment, believing he could see the crux of the problem. "I can see why you think that way, of course. It's true, at least about the combat. Not his fault, of course, since he was lucky enough not to grow up in a place which went through two wars in the space of less than twenty years. As to the mindset... I'm not sure, since he is a Snape, and I think he has definitely learned some very hard, painful lessons about the evil of mankind since he's been here." He kissed Severus' cheek. "However, I can imagine that hearing from his twin that he doesn't quite have what it takes could be a bit painful, as well. Not saying that you wanted to hurt his feelings at all, love, but sometimes just knowing that someone else, someone you love, doesn't have faith in your abilities can be difficult. It doesn't matter whether it's justified or not, either... it's just about feelings."
"Oh for God's sake," Severus grumbled. "It has nothing to do with whether I have faith in his abilities or not. He isn't experienced, and I don't want to go into a fight worrying about him doing something stupid like jumping in front of a curse again. I've seen him get himself seriously injured once." He thought back to that agonizing moment of watching Serenus crumple to the ground, to the eternal wait outside the hospital room, and he grimaced. "I have no desire to go through that again. Once was enough, and there isn't any need for him to be involved in this anyway, not with you, me, and Tybalt already in up to our necks."
Remus continued to rub Severus' arm, giving a soft sigh. "Yes, I understand that he doesn't need to be involved, but this particular fight is as much his as it is any of ours. The wars weren't his, but this most definitely is. I know you don't want him hurt. I don't, either, and I have no doubt at all that Tybalt doesn't want anything to happen to him. But he's a grown man, and if he wants to fight, he will, whether he is in the Order or not, and whether you like it or not. I know it may not make perfect sense that he would want you to believe that he could fight, but I'm fairly certain that's what is upsetting him. That's what faith is, isn't it? Believing in something even though all evidence points to something different?"
"Whether or not he could fight is beside the point." Severus sat up straight, raking his fingers through his hair, and he blew a frustrated sigh. "I don't want him to fight. The three of us - you, me, Tybalt - are different. You and I were dragged into both wars, and Tybalt chose to work in a profession where danger is part and parcel of the job description. Serenus was innocent until he came here, and enough bad things have happened to him." He shook his head, his mouth tightening with grim determination. "I don't want him being dragged further into the muck. I don't want him to become like me."
"You want to protect him, to keep him safe." Remus smiled gently, nuzzling Serenus' cheek. "I know what you're trying to say, and I surely understand why you feel that way, love. You want to protect Cymbeline, Lysander, and Gaia as well, and rightfully so. The difference is that Serenus is a grown man, and what he decides to do is up to him, not to you. I think your desires are admirable, but unfortunately, he has every right to do as he feels he must. He's also a Snape, remember... and I've found them to be remarkably stubborn about doing what they wish to do - especially when they are told they can't do it."
Severus grumbled quietly, but he couldn't deny the stubbornness, and he knew Serenus had a right to make his own decisions, no matter how much Severus might want him to stay out of the whole mess. "What the devil do I do now, then?"
"Well, I think going to him and apologizing might be a start. And yes, I know, you didn't do anything wrong, other than be worried about your twin and want to protect him, but I think it's safe to say that Serenus' feelings were hurt in the process. Right or wrong, whether you meant to or not doesn't really matter. He's been hurt, and if you care about him, I think an apology might do a lot to make him feel less angry." Remus paused, then bit his lip. "The difficulty might be if he then asks if you've changed your mind, and you haven't. Perhaps if you apologize and explain that your feeling is to protect him, that you are scared of losing him because he is so important to you that you can't imagine your life without him?"
Severus stared at him, aghast. Apologize when he hadn't done anything? It was difficult enough to unbend and apologize when he had. Admit his feelings and lay himself bare? He had a difficult enough time doing so with Remus, whom he trusted and felt safe being vulnerable with. To open up and repeat everything he'd said to Serenus was a terrifying thought, and he'd almost rather let Serenus continue being angry with him. Anger was far easier to deal with than vulnerability.
"I don't see why I should have to spell it out," he said, his tone a little sulky. "After all this time, he ought to know already."
"Oh, Severus." Remus half turned, putting both his hands on Severus' shoulders and looking into his eyes. "I know you don't see why, but trust me, it's necessary. Sure, you think he ought to know, but don't you think it's rather obvious that he doesn't? At least not in this case, where his own feelings might be clouding his ability to read yours. It took me years to learn to read you completely, and even though Serenus is your twin, there are definitely differences between the two of you. I know you love him, I know just how deeply he matters to you, but in some ways, he doesn't know, can't possibly know the things you went through and how they affected you. I do, because I was there and could see most of it, but even I won't claim to have a perfect understanding. I just know that if you love him and want to smooth things over, you're going to have to talk to him and let him know. I'd hate to see this drive a wedge between the two of you."
Severus turned his gaze downward, his stomach churning. "I'll think about it," he muttered. He didn't want a wedge between them - again - either, but the thought of unburdening himself in such a way when Serenus was angry and perhaps not inclined to listen or be careful was unnerving. "Perhaps I'll talk to him when he's had some time to cool off."
Pulling Severus into his arms, Remus held him close, stroking his hair as he tried to offer comfort. "I know it's hard, love. Waiting a day or two is fine, but I wouldn't leave it any longer than that or he'll think you don't care about his feelings at all. If you want me to go with you, I will. Sometimes having a third person there can make it easier."
Severus leaned against Remus, although he wasn't relaxed, and he nodded. "That might be best. If all else fails, you can explain me to him better than I can."
"I'll do everything I can to help you, you know that." Remus smiled, holding Severus tightly. "I want you to be happy. And I don't think being distanced from your twin is going to make you happy."
"I suppose not." Severus sighed and rested his head on Remus' shoulder. Sometimes it seemed like life had been easier when he was holed up in his dungeon quarters and didn't have any emotional connections to anyone beyond surface level interaction. Much easier, since he hadn't had to worry about compromising or hurting someone's feelings or being hurt himself. He didn't regret leaving his solitude behind; the rewards far outweighed the problems, but at times like this, he just wanted to hole up again until it was safe to come out again. "Damned idiot," he muttered, grimacing again. "He had better appreciate this."
"I'm sure he will... someday." Remus lifted his head, lifting a hand to stroke Severus' cheek. "Well, if that's been resolved to your satisfaction for the time being, what else can I do to make you feel better? Perhaps a massage to relax you? Anything at all you desire, I shall endeavor to provide."
Winding his arms around Remus' waist, Severus shifted closer and pressed his nose against Remus' throat. "This is enough," he murmured, taking solace in the one place where he felt completely safe and understood.
"Then stay here for as long as you need. The world can stop for a while." Remus hummed softly, closing his eyes and settling into the cuddle. He felt certain that Severus would apologize, since he knew how much Serenus meant to him. He just hoped that he was right, and that Serenus really would understand once Severus explained. The alternative... well, that was just too horrible to contemplate.