Even if you cannot hear my voice
Characters: Luna and Neville Summary: Luna and Neville talk about their fears.
After talking to Padma at the bookshop, Neville spent the next couple of days trying to think of the best way to approach the conversation with Luna. He didn't want to upset her if this change had been made with her heart behind it, but he doubted it. He wanted to somehow make it clear to her that while he loved her however she dressed and behaved, he had fallen in love with the bright and shiny Luna and that there was no need for her to change that. In the end he decided to just take the plunge. Luna would forgive him if he was making a total arse of himself, and hopefully, if he wasn't, she would realise that whatever it was that had made her think she should stop being herself wasn't all that important after all.
He returned home from work, and as was his habit had a quick shower and changed before seeking out the twins and Luna. He had changed into a pair of baggy shorts and the "World's Greatest Dad" t-shirt that Debi had sent him when the twins had been born. He was hoping that by wearing such casual and potentially geeky clothing (he adored the Harlock picture on the back) he would be setting an appropriate mood. So clad, he mounted the stairs to the attic, where he assumed Luna and the twins were as they hadn't been downstairs when he'd got home.
Luna was leaning against the attic window, looking out over the duck pond while the twins slept behind her. The surface of the pond rippled back and forth. Outside, the wind blew, and she could almost feel the air flowing over her face and flinging her hair about. Almost.
She rubbed her thumb along the edges of the open locket in her hands. She didn't need to look at it, having memorized the photographs years ago, but it helped sometimes, to have it out when everything felt too difficult.
Upon entering the room Neville saw that Luna was looking out of the window. The twins seemed to be asleep so he crept forward quietly on his bare feet. Nearing Luna, he could see that she was looking at her locket. "Hello," he murmured, wanting to give Luna some warning of his presence as she seemed wrapped up in her own thoughts, and gently placed his hands on her shoulders. Looking down over them he saw the pictures of Luna's mother that the locket contained. In the first photograph, she was caught in a loop of glancing down, adjusting the sleeve of her plain blue robes, and looking back up in time to smile. In the second, she didn't seem to mind that Luna had the sleeve of her dark green robes bunched in one fist while chasing after the end of her mother's plait with the other. He had forgotten the detail of these photos, and suddenly everything clicked into place. "Oh, Luna," he sighed, and he slid his arms further around her, drawing her back into his hug.
The edges of the locket dug into her fingers as she briefly tightened her grip. She must have spent more time staring out the window than she thought, if Neville was home already. She closed her eyes and relaxed against his solid body for a moment, collecting her thoughts before turning in his embrace and hugging him back. She rubbed her cheek against his chest and smiled as she realized which t-shirt he was wearing again. "'Oh, Luna' what? What did I do wrong this time?" she asked curiously.
Neville dipped his head to press his lips firmly against hers for a few heartbeats, then he withdrew and shook his head at her while his hands came up to cup her face. "You've done nothing wrong, but we need to have a talk." There he hesitated. "It's about your recent change. The clothes and the hair. I think I understand now, but can you tell me why you decided to pack all your stuff away?"
Luna couldn't look away with Neville holding her face, but she cringed away from the topic mentally. She'd hoped that Neville's lack of further questioning after the day he'd walked in on her packing things away meant that he understood how difficult it was for her, but now he was back to asking questions with obvious answers. If he didn't understand even after her partial but practical answer that day, she didn't know how to explain it so that he would. If he did understand, why was he dredging it up again? "Because I'm a mum now," she said helplessly. Did he think she didn't care about them enough to make changes? This was a different matter from defying anyone who laughed at the way she dressed or acted. "They deserve to have a perfect mum, and you deserve to have a perfect mum for your children."
Neville stroked his thumbs over her cheekbones. "Luna, they deserve to have you for their mum. You, with your bright robes and shiny earrings and - and I don't deserve much of anything, but I know what I want. And I want you. I want the Luna I fell in love with." He released her face and pulled her forward into the hug again. "I know you loved your mum," he said, fighting back the sorrow over his own recent bereavement - this was about Luna not him. "For you she was the perfect mum because she was herself. Gawain and Nimue's perfect mum wears earrings made out of paperclips and walks about with her hair in a glorious mess." Neville's voice became more emphatic as he talked about about her hair. Having it neatly plaited out of the way of his fingers had been driving him nuts. "Merlin, am I making any sense? I know that you're doing this for us, and I love you for it, but you don't have to, Luna."
"But I don't know what I'm doing and she did. She wanted me before I even existed, and she wasn't afraid of dropping me, and she knew things like Peppermint Imps being just as important as healing spells when you scrape your knees. She was happy staying home and creating spells instead of traipsing off on expeditions. She wouldn't have been afraid of doing something she wanted to, and she wouldn't have needed me to look after her if Dad had died instead. I have to be able to -- if something happens to you again -- " Luna clenched her fingers in Neville's t-shirt. "I have to -- I just have to -- " Tears stung in her eyes, but she willed them away.
He hated himself for upsetting Luna, but he knew that this needed to be resolved. Luna couldn't carry on trying to turn herself into her mother. "Maybe," he tried. "Maybe she knew those things because she remembered what her own mother had done? And I bet she was just as nervous when you arrived, she just never showed you, or you don't remember. I don't know, Luna. I - I tried to be like my parents and made myself miserable. It was only when I started to accept that I was different from them that I began to let myself be happy. Do you think your mum would be happy seeing you put away all the things that make you happy and make you you?"
Seeing Luna upset was throwing him into confusion and he was beginning to lose his grip on his original thoughts. He struggled to find his way back to his point. "Godric, Luna! You don't even have to be perfect," he said. "I mean, it would look odd if they had the perfect mother and then me for a dad! I can't even handle the idea of Apparating with the twins, and if you're afraid of dropping them I'm the one casting safety charms everywhere because I'm convinced that I'm going to drop them down the stairs, and all I can do is love them!" He kneaded at his forehead. "You're not alone, Luna," he said in a defeated tone. "Can't you turn to me instead of your mum?"
Luna wanted to argue that of course her mum hadn't been nervous, because her mum had been perfect, but Neville's question about her mum being happy with Luna putting her things away hit her like a slap in the face before she could. "I was alone, I was alone for months and you weren't there and it could happen again. And now you have the nursery and the aftermath of your curse, and I'm trying to give you enough time to deal with everything. Then you keep getting up with the twins at night on top of everything else you have to take care of, and I ought to be able to take care of all of that for you. You need me to be strong. I have to stay in control and that means that I have to know what I'm doing!" She managed to keep her voice even, but it was a struggle.
"Does changing your hair and wearing different clothes give you that strength, then?" Neville demanded. Her words had sent a chill through him as he had thought of all that she had suffered because of him. "I think any strength you have is there no matter what you're wearing. I - I'm sorry that I've put so much pressure on you." He ran his hands back through his hair. "Godric, I don't know what to do! I want to be able to look after you, Luna. That's why I get up with the twins. I see everything that you do for them all day, and I thought that would be a way in which I could help. And I like to do it, because I miss them, and sometimes during the week the most I see of them is when they cry in the night."
He looked down at her. He wanted to put his arms around her and shield her from everything, all her worries, all the stress and heartache. She had been coping with everything herself, and then helping him cope. "I don't need you to be strong," he told her. "I need you to be happy. I need you to love me enough and trust me enough that you don't have to carry everything on your own shoulders. I've leaned on you too much in the last year."
"You haven't put pressure on me," Luna said quietly, putting her hands on his shoulders. "I've been taking care of myself on my own for years. I wanted, want to take care of you. It makes me happy to. I love you." She gave his shoulders a small shake to punctuate her words.
Neville let her shake him. "So we both love each other," he said. "And we both want to take care of one another. Luna, can't you see that I can only think that I'm not holding up my side of the bargain? You felt that you needed to change the way you dressed and behaved to cope with being a mum. That doesn't seem right or fair. What can I do to make that better? I know I wasn't there for you before, but I am here now. Talk to me, please. If you really truly want things to stay as they are and want to keep all your old stuff boxed up, fine, but it has to be because you want it that way, not because you think it has to be that way."
Luna could feel her control of the situation slipping away like a waxed string. "But I have to be able to take care of myself. I know you take care of me when you can, but you can't promise to be there, you can't, because it's not always up to you. When you need something, it just gets taken away from you, and if you love it it just makes it harder when it's gone. The only thing you can do is not hold onto anything, but it's too late. It's too late." She crumpled against Neville, her fingers spasming on his shoulders. "I love you and I need you and you're mine, and you love me and I'm yours and I think you need me too, and we both love the twins and they need us and they're ours, and that means that something's going to come in and tear it all apart. It's already happened once. Next time it might not be something I can stop, or it will cost too much to stop. I could have killed you, and I know you didn't understand what was happening, I know, but sometimes when I look at you I can still see the expression on your face just after -- "
Luna drew several deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself. The last thing she needed was for one of the twins to wake up now. "I don't know what to do. It's all so much, it's all so connected so it just takes one thing to make it all break down. I don't know how to stop it all from falling apart, but Mum would know, she could handle anything. If I'm more pragmatic like her, maybe it will start to make sense, maybe I won't lose you, maybe the twins won't hate me when they get old enough to know what loony means."
It was heart breaking watching Luna fall apart like this, especially as Neville had never really had to deal with it. Luna was always picking up his pieces, not the other way around. One thing was abundantly clear, this was a whole heap of trouble more than Luna thinking she should try and be like her mum. It was a lot messier than that.
Realising that they were pretty soon going to wake the twins and not wanting that interruption, Neville drew his arm tightly about Luna's shoulders. He was just going to lead her out of the room at first, but suddenly he thought that maybe this was one of those times when Luna needed to really see and feel how he was there for her now, even if she was terrified he might not be one day. He quickly swept his other arm under her knees and carried her from the room and down two flights of stairs. He didn't want to continue the conversation in the bedroom as that was their sanctuary from the world, and the living room was a lot closer to the kettle and the promise of some fortifying tea if it was needed later. He sat down on the sofa, not letting go of Luna apart from moving his arm out from under her legs so that she was sat on his lap with his arms hugging her against his chest. He held her like that in silence while he tried to think what to say next.
Luna rested her head on Neville's shoulder when he picked her up and hid her face against his neck. She wasn't sure what to expect now, now that she'd told him how lost she felt. He didn't seem upset with her yet, though, and she was tired, so tired, so she let him carry her and settle them on the sofa without resisting.
Neville lifted one hand and brushed it down her plait, wanted to give comfort physically while he tried to think of the words to fix this. He frowned at the feel of Luna's hair neatly in place. He knew that this wasn't about the hair and clothes anymore, but he needed to let her hair down. Without further preamble, Neville pulled out the tie at the end and began stroking out her hair with his fingers. He hoped that she would find the sensation as soothing as he did. Satisfied at last, he let out a sigh and tried to begin again, all the while holding her limp body and stroking her hair.
"So you're feeling out of your depth," he said quietly. "That everything's out of your control. I suppose that's only normal considering the year we've just had." He dropped a kiss on the top of her head and then leaned his cheek there. "I don't know what I can do to make you feel better about that, except hope that as time passes you won't be as afraid that something is going to come along and ruin what we have. And I guess you're right, one day something will bring this all to an end, whether it's next Tuesday or in eighty years' time. We've both experienced how the unexpected can tear your world apart."
He paused. He was stating the obvious and not saying anything that ran counter to her fears, but to say that nothing would happen would be a lie. He had no way of knowing or promising that, and while that didn't matter so much when one was being gallant, this wasn't really the time for reckless avowals.
"We know that," he continued, "but I think together we can cope with that. It's good, I think, that we're talking about this. Sometimes I think that we're both so busy trying to the protect each other that we don't let each other know when we need help. Mostly it's you picking up the pieces when I do it, I know that, and that's not me putting myself down or anything, I just know that I've had things happen recently that I've needed you to help me with. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but talking's good."
He stopped again and pulled his head back so he could look down at Luna. She was still slumped against him like a rag doll. He didn't like to see her looking so... defeated, but just because he didn't like it, didn't mean that he wouldn't accept it. She accepted him when he couldn't cope. It was about time that he began returning the favour.
"I suppose we cope with things in different ways," he thought aloud. "While I didn't have my parents, Gran was always there. I was allowed to be a cry baby. I - I think maybe you didn't get that opportunity once you lost your mother. You had your dad to look after. I - You didn't like to bother him with stuff did you? I always admired you at school for how you were able to ignore what other people said or did to you, but maybe, maybe it's not a good idea to do that all the time. Maybe, like I had to learn not to take everything to heart, sometimes you have to just let yourself cry?"
Luna pulled away from Neville's neck just enough to be able to speak without muffling her words. "I don't like crying. It makes my eyeballs feel like boiled onions." She opened her eyes and sighed, watching Neville's hair ruffle from her breath. "Besides, Dad said that Mum wouldn't want to see me cry. And Mum always said that you couldn't control other people's actions, but you could control the way you reacted to them. That's true," she said, her voice firming at the end, then continued more reluctantly. "I suppose you're right, that she wouldn't want me to change how I act, either, but I just don't... I don't know what to do."
She drew a deep, shuddery breath. "I'm scared, and I'm not brave like you."
Neville kissed her cheek. "I think you're brave," he told her. Personally he thought that she was a lot braver than he was, but again, this wasn't time for him to be getting down on himself. This was about Luna and making her feel better. What they needed was a solution.
"Sooo," he said, slowly, thinking it over carefully, "the changing your clothes thing didn't help any. What we need then is a new approach. That's the best thing to do, isn't it? Try different things until you find the one that works? First we need a proper list of the things scaring you."
Luna blinked at Neville's sudden organizational urges, but that did seem like an orderly way of going about things. She thought for a moment before replying. "I'm afraid that I'm not going to be a good mum, that I'll accidentally hurt one of the twins or not do something right to help them. I'm afraid they won't like me when they get older. I'm afraid that I won't be there for them enough. I'm afraid that you won't be there for us someday." She hesitated over the last fear she thought was relevant to this conversation -- she'd been dealing with the others just fine for years -- but Neville had said he wanted her to talk to him, and he was handling her fears calmly so far. "I'm afraid of getting married. Not of being married, I wouldn't leave you for anything except your own safety anyway and I already love you too much, but getting married." It sounded even more idiotic aloud than it did in her head.
"Like the ceremony?" Neville asked, the rest of her fears having to take a backseat for a moment while he clarified the last. Normally people were scared of the commitment marriage symbolised, but that obviously wasn't Luna's problem.
Luna had to take a moment to think that over as well. "I think so," she said slowly. "It's all so... formal. Final." She shook her head, though the movement was absorbed by Neville's shoulder. "Those aren't the right words. I don't think we have words for it. Language fails me sometimes. No one's thought to make the words I need."
Neville nodded. "Yes," he agreed. "Sometimes it's impossible to find the right word. I feel that way a lot when I look at you and the twins," he told her, deadly serious. "So, to go back to your fears, what can we do that will make you feel better about them? I don't think that you really need to worry about the twins not liking you when they're older - Nimue is already showing a tendency to take after you and both of them adore you. Maybe you can't see it, but they hang on your every word when you tell them stories. They're so interested in you, Luna. I guess that's intimidating, I know that I'm terrified that I'll do something wrong, that's why I put all the safety charms everywhere... I suppose this isn't really solving anything," he thought aloud.
"Ok, so you're afraid you're not going to be a good mum. Well, I think you already are a good mum. The twins are happy and healthy. You already told me tonight some of the things that your mum used to do for you, so you have some guidance there as well... I'm also scared that I won't be there for them enough. That's why I do things like get up at night for them. Does that bother you, by the way? Do you want me to stop doing it, or I suppose we can share it out more?"
"If you're doing it because you want to, I wouldn't want to take that away from you. I just worry that you're not getting enough sleep. How about you agree to wake me up if you're too tired?" Luna craned up and kissed Neville's cheek before settling comfortably against his chest again and considering the rest of what he'd said. It was true that Nimue seemed to have certain things in common with her -- hadn't she just been telling Padma the other day that she thought Nimue might sort into Ravenclaw? -- and Neville wouldn't lie about the twins showing interest in her stories. Luna chuckled weakly. "So you have enough charms up that they'll be all right if I drop them down the stairs?"
Neville nodded. "Enough to handle me tumbling down after them as well. I also got ahead of myself a bit and put wards around the duck pond to stop them toddling in there." His lips twitched slightly as he admitted to this safety measure. He had gone a bit mad that particular afternoon. "So, um, you're not alone in your fears." He took hold of one of Luna's hands and threaded their fingers. "We'll get through all of it together. Which I guess brings me to your fear that I won't always be here. There isn't really anything I can do about that one, except promise you that it's only going to be death that takes me away. I guess that's quite morbid, but, well, even in that event, I know that you will be all right. We have friends. The twins have godparents. And, the same goes for if I ever lose you. It... The thought of that terrifies me so much... But you're not going way," he affirmed, kissing her to confirm it to himself.
"If it does happen, I'll be watching all of you and waiting for you," Luna said after the kiss ended. "It's not the dying I'm afraid of, for either of us, it's living without you."
Neville thought of what had happened when his parents had died, how both Luna and Nimue had been aware of their spirits departing. He knew that ghosts were real, and while he didn't really want to end up tied to the land of the living in the tragic way those apparitions were, he thought that there must be some other way. "Even if I die," he replied, "I'm not gonna want to miss a moment of the twins growing up. And I'll never get tired of seeing your face. I'd be with you, watching, loving you."
Luna slid her arms around Neville and held him tightly. She felt like a weight had lifted from around her neck, knowing that even if Neville left them he wouldn't really leave them. "Thank you," she said, hearing the waver in her voice and for once not attempting to check it. "I love you."
"I love you, too," Neville replied. "So very much. Which is why I want to marry you. You said that it's not being married that scares you, it's getting married that's the problem? Hmm." He gnawed on his bottom lip, trying to think of a way around this. He could sympathise slightly, he thought. The idea of having a wedding like Zach and Debi's was pretty scary. All those people watching and talking about the ceremony for hours afterwards. He knew that Luna's feelings on the matter were a little more complicated than that, but maybe that would help... "You know, I don't think I would want a big wedding like Debi and Zach had," he told her. "What if... What if I suprise you?" he asked in a rush.
Luna sat up and looked at Neville, her eyebrows raised in confusion. "Surprise me?"
"Yes!" Neville said, warming quickly to his idea. "What if we don't plan it or anything? What if I just surprise you one day? Then you don't have to worry about it so much. I mean, you'll know that we'll be getting married at some point, but you won't have to worry about how it's going to happen. Unless that's actually more scary, not knowing what's going to happen?"
Surprises were always fun when they were good surprises, and being married to Neville was a good thing. It wouldn't be as if she had no idea what was going to happen; as he said, she'd know they'd be getting married at some point, but she wouldn't be watching the days tick by to an inevitable conclusion. "It would be like every day is a wrapped box and one of them will have a surprise inside. That's brilliant, Neville," she said, her enthusiasm growing with every word. She hugged him again. "I guess this means you didn't change your mind after all. I was beginning to wonder. You didn't talk about it, after."
"Well, I was afraid, too," he replied. "I was afraid of pushing my luck. I already had you and the twins, after all." He brushed his lips against her ear as he whispered, "I look forward to surprising you, then. Of course, I might have to practice and surprise you with other things." He planted a firmer kiss against her cheek and then grinned at her.
Luna grinned back, feeling lighter than she had in some time. She didn't fool herself into thinking that everything was perfect now and that they wouldn't stumble upon other problems, or even the same ones, again, but Neville hadn't judged her or told her that her fears were stupid or fallen apart himself, not that the first two were very likely from Neville anyway. She could talk to him about those issues in the future, whatever came to pass. She turned in his lap, facing him, and slipped her hands under his shirt. "So, do you have any surprises for me today?" she asked as she ran her hands down his chest and stomach, then hooked her fingers on the waistband of his shorts.
If Luna getting horny on him wasn't a sign that he had succeeded in cheering her up, Neville didn't know what was. He knew that life was never so neat as to resolve all its problems with one talk, but for now Luna seemed happier, and if he had coped this time, he could do it again, and again, and as many times as Luna needed him to in the future.
"Mmm," he hummed. "I'm not sure how much of a surprise it'll be, seeing as you've seen it so many times already..." He gave Luna a wicked smile. "But I suppose practice has to start somewhere..." Grabbing hold of her, he stood up and tossed her over his shoulder in an action that impressed him because he managed to stay upright. Not pausing, he strode towards the stairs.
"Do you think the twins will be nice enough to stay asleep for another hour?" he asked Luna as he carried her to their bedroom, his thoughts skipping ahead to something he had read in the romance novel he had bought from Haven Books. He would have to remember he owed Padma a pot plant or two.