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Tweak says, "I write in purple crayon."

Carol Danvers (cpt_marvel) wrote in snapthread,
@ 2019-08-29 18:19:00

Entry tags:

carol danvers (mcu), john constantine (vertigo)

Who: Carol Danvers/John Constantine
What: Make up or break up
When: Thursday Evening
Where: John's flat
Rating: TBD (lots of swearing)

This was a bad idea. She was pretty sure Constantine didn't want to talk after that last communication, and he was definitely not in the mood the last time they saw each other face-to-face. But Carol hated anything she couldn't be sure of. She wasn't one to linger on feelings, and she was definitely not patient. She had tried giving him some space, but now she needed to know. And so, she headed to his place and knocked on the door with the hope he would be home.

And maybe not with some random woman or guy- that would just make this way more awkward.

Standing in the doorway, she had her hands in her leather jacket, eyes staring at the ground and a nervous tension in her shoulders that wasn't something she usually carried. Carol looked on edge. Like she was dreading this interaction and impatient for it to be over at the same time.

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_constantine_
2019-08-31 03:02 am UTC (link)

Was it really a joke when his place was more put together than hers? Sure, it wasn't super well decorated or anything, but he'd gotten himself some furniture, was filling up a bookshelf and had ...stuff. Just household stuff. And there were no huge cracks in the walls, because he was living here.

Sorry didn't really cut it, but it wasn't like John didn't understand how that could work -- being sorry and apologizing didn't always mean forgiven, but it still meant that an effort was made and he could respect that. It was more than he'd done in some portions of his life. And John might have said so, except Carol just kept on going. Right up until she wasn't anymore.

And that admission? It was like being hit with a shock of cold when you'd been expecting balmy weather. John, usually so quick witted, had to stare in silence for a long moment -- digesting that little surprise tidbit and then contemplating it.

It was probably no surprise to anyone when he went and lit a cigarette, just for something to stall, something to do with his hands.

Love? Really?

"Wasn't a few weeks ago we had to sort out if there was feelings enough to consider putting in more of an effort than getting naked," He said after a beat -- and he didn't want to trail completely away from what'd brought this on in the first place, but it was probably just best to tackle one thing at a time.

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cpt_marvel
2019-08-31 05:26 am UTC (link)

Silence. She was mentally kicking herself over and over again for what she was saying, wondering if she should just walk out. It couldn't have been more awkward, right? Maybe she could quietly leave and then just...never see him again? Better that way.

"Yeah," a single word answer, still not looking at him. She should have just told him it was a slip of the tongue. It sort of was. She hadn't really thought about it, and when it came out like that, she really really wished she had. Because it wasn't something she ever said lightly, not a word she threw around in these situations. Fuck.

The silence that followed lasted a while. Her hands were deep in her pockets, and she was glad. She was surprised she hadn't burnt a hole straight through them. Did she love him? That was hard for her to answer. Because her instinct was yes, but her brain kept telling her it wasn't that easy. He was right. They'd just agreed to this. She was acting like those women who pissed her off- she wasn't supposed to get attached like this to anyone. Exclusive was one thing, but this? Fuck!

"You don't have to say anything like that back- I don't know where that came from," Carol stopped again. She still wasn't looking at him. "I can go if it's easier right now. I just wanted to apologize face to face. See if you were still willing to give us a shot."

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_constantine_
2019-08-31 10:04 pm UTC (link)

She didn't know where it'd come from? John wasn't even really sure what that meant -- did that make it not so then? Just something that slipped out because she was stressed, because she didn't like the idea of him leaving or--?

He didn't know. And that was a frustrating kind of feeling, wasn't it? He didn't know so all he was really getting from it was a sizable amount of confusion tinted with something that felt close to guilt.

Did he like Carol? Yes, absolutely. She was a bloody mess of a person, but she was honest and she was clever and funny and had brilliant taste in music that nearly made up for her utilitarian living style. Did he love Carol? He didn't think so. He thought, perhaps, there was the workings of something there that could make it so, if they both put enough effort in. It wasn't a slight to her that it wasn't so yet. Neither of them were easy, not like that.

"I'm not asking you to leave," he said, staring at the end of his cigarette as it burned bright. "That'd be -- shitty. For both of us." There was no slipping out the back and never seeing each other again. Not in a place this small. "Whatcha think, then?" He asked instead. "What're you looking for here, Carol? Because y'can't say you love someone a few days after you went off an' drunk married your mate. Pretty sure y'can see how that's not a thing that's gonna work out for anyone involved. So? What do we fix?"

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cpt_marvel
2019-08-31 11:06 pm UTC (link)

"Uh-huh," Carol was pretty mortified. "Well, apparently I can say just that." She muttered, finally cracking a half-smile and looking up at him. "Honestly? I-I don't know where it came from or why it came out." That was a half-truth. There was something repressed that she wasn't going to admit, not even to herself.

So she let his question hang there for a good while before shrugging. "I don't know, John. Maybe it can't be fixed. Maybe we're wasting our time." She was good at sabotaging relationships, and this was a doozy. A double punch, actually. Carol would have laughed if she didn't feel so pathetic.

She needed a drink. "What I did was shitty. And what I just said....look, I don't know, alright?" She wasn't being honest but it was better to cut her losses and run rather than have them dwell on this. "We tried. We were better off casual."

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_constantine_
2019-09-01 12:13 am UTC (link)

Yeah. This was --

John didn't know what this was. But he could see an attempt at sabotage when one came up and this was most definitely what was going on here.

Funny, since he was normally the one to fuck things up beyond repair in relationships -- sometimes on accident and sometimes on purpose. They were both adults here, but he wasn't exactly more emotionally equipped to be carrying the weight for two of them. And if he was, he'd probably know better than to do so, wouldn't he?

In this instance, John didn't know what better off for either of them was. But Carol was obviously confused and edging toward that bitter sort of feeling one got when pressured one way or the other. And John didn't really want to be the recipient of that or the reason it was happening. It didn't matter if she was lying or not -- she was turning it into something that was less Catch 22 and more Fuck You.

"We tried," he echoed, and that bloody fucking sucked to do, it really did. He took a drag from his cigarette and then pulled up his emotional defenses, offering a crooked cocksure sort of smile. "Best we have our space then, innit."

Apparently, what happened in Vegas did not stay in Vegas.

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cpt_marvel
2019-09-01 12:21 am UTC (link)

Dark eyes stared at John for a second before nodding, her own face putting up that sort of emotionless shield that made her hard to read. The Kree had taught her that, at least. "Space is good."

She almost felt relieved at the idea. Running was good for her. Building those walls again and definitely not letting herself start to get this attached to anyone for a long time. Or ever. She even cracked the faintest hint of another smile.

"Guess I'll see you around?" Awkward as it was, Carol seemed a little more relaxed, even if there was something sad in how she was looking at him. Like she'd expected this. Maybe she'd even subconsciously orchestrated it, not that she'd ever take credit for being that clever.

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_constantine_
2019-09-01 12:46 am UTC (link)

That Carol looked a bit more relaxed was telling, frankly. The last time someone he'd loved -- really, truly loved -- had broken things off with him, he'd been devastated to the point of... well. There'd been some bad decisions. Something about homelessness and then a stint with a vampire. It wasn't something he cared to think on much these days.

Either way it didn't look like any of that was in the cards right now. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe they'd just been wasting time, after all. It was easy to do. There was a whole lot of time to waste in a place like this. Or maybe he was just making excuses for the whole situation so that he wouldn't have to feel like utter shit for having caught some feelings. Whichever. It didn't matter now.

"Yeah," he said in return. "Prob'ly so."

That didn't mean he wasn't going to have to find a new place to drink, though.

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